What was the 'last straw'?

[Starboard Song]

I think the two patterns I see people share are either the slow accumulation of experience up to a last straw event, or a slow accumulation of experience up to a sudden crisis.

The last straw people have probably tried brief spurts of NC, or have talked about it, and have had recurring, low-level crises for a long time. The crisis people may never have realized how very wrong their situation was, and it all came crashing down at once.

We are members of Team Sudden Crisis. We'd had low-level problems for about 12 years. We'd been blamed and shamed for little things. We'd been at the whip end of Silent Treats from time to time. But we both still felt like we were just dealing with thorny people, and it was ours to manage. When the crisis hit, it was a perfect storm: an issue that we could not back down from and that my MIL could not abide.

We went from feeling quite good about them, to them declaring permanent NC (as punishment) within 2 months. And 4 months after that we returned the favor: accepting their NC in earnest and never looking back. Now, we've looked back in many ways. We've had two formal sit downs to hear them out since then. And I left two voicemail messages back in the day, explaining my standards. But we've never replied to a single card, gift or letter since, nor otherwise engaged in the littlest way, beyond those I just listed.

It is so hard. But NC can be the least bad way forward in a hard place. And then it is the noble route.

[Janeite V]

I went through a very long phase of attempting medium chill or grey rock (not knowing the term for it back then). Every now and then I would try to test the waters with a friendly attempt at conversation, knowing almost exactly how it would go down. Every time despite knowing this I found myself very shocked at the level of hostility and how quickly and specifically it would come out. Each time it would confirm for me that the simmering hostility that couldn't wait to be let out was real.

I don't remember the last time I attempted this. Once I stopped entirely the narc started targeting other people much more and became much more overt. Now I see other people going through the exact phase I did - I can hear the slight pleading in their voice as they try to test the waters again, and I think that to the narcissist, rather than being embarrassed and horrified at it, must get a rush of power from it.

[easterncappy]

The "last straw" for realizing I can't have a normal relationship with her:

I've posted about it before, but I'll try to write a condensed version. Lots of people whose mom and dad are both PD grow up thinking their mom is a fellow innocent victim of their abusive dad - exactly what I did for a long time. So, I confronted my mom about the abuse (I could have been 17 or 18?). I was expecting support... after all, she cried in my room about him so many times, she must have known he was a bad guy, but probably didn't know the extent to which he was a bad guy. She sympathized with me for a little bit and then something clicked in her brain - she started berating and victim blaming me instead. It was somehow my fault that he did all of those things to me... that's when I knew she was completely devoid of a moral compass, acting like men can't help but molest little girls and like little girls could ever be responsible for such a thing.

That day, she effectively told me "you don't matter, you will never matter, how dare you question our perfect family, go back to playing your role". She thought she was going to get me back in line with her. I doubt that she even remembers this conversation, but I shed a lot of tears over it and she wonders what happened to our "perfect relationship... I mean, we were best friends!". Then I realized that I distinctly remember running to my mom as a kid after some of the abuse, and all she did was "talk to him about it and he said he wouldn't do it again, okay?"... all of the phone calls of me crying to her as a slightly older kid, begging her to do something about my dad going in my room drunk. She knew. She always knew. She never cared.

The "last straw" for realizing I need to go VLC or NC:

I'm already not talking to my dad because... duh? I'm 9 months pregnant as we speak. This happened a couple of weeks ago, also posted about it. I've been telling my mom for years, even before I had any idea that I'd ever be married or have children of my own, that her disgusting husband is to never come near any children I may have in the future. She must have thought I was just being a dramatic, rebellious teenager, because I heard "we're gonna come to the hospital when you're in labor", "we're excited to be grandparents", "your dad is going to be such a great grandfather - he'll crawl around with the kids and play with them and build things for them!" (even if he wasn't a child molester - he literally never bothered to play with me as a kid, why would he want to play with my kids?), "when can we come over after the hospital sends you home?", "can we come over when your husband isn't around?" (they hate my husband because he's the first man I've been with who didn't take my parents' side in everything and unlike them he'd do anything to protect his child from bad people)...

Eventually, I broke and told her "why do you think he's allowed near my baby? Haven't we talked about this? What did you think I meant all of the years I've been telling you that he's not allowed near my children?". She looked at me like I was going crazy and went "er... well, as long as you and I still have a good relationship!", implying both that she had no responsibility for what happened, and that we can somehow have a good relationship (or ever had one) despite her allowing all of that to happen. Sick woman. I knew she was rotten but posting about it here helped me figure out just how rotten she was - I didn't want to see it.

[olivegirl]

My uBpd mother is mostly Queen/Witch.  My father is def King/Fisherman.  The last straw was my mother's act of darvo.

I called my parents and my father picked up the phone and started berating me for verbally bullying my mother regularly on all of my phone calls (I was trying to stay VVLC and do medium chill with my aging parents).

Then it clicked that all of the previous phone calls, my mother would say after 2 minutes "I gotta get off the phone, I don't feel well, I have got to go.  Call me later."

My Bpd mother has a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety, Depression and often complains of headaches and stomach issues so I thought I was being so successful at my info dieting that she gave up.

Oh noooooooo! 

She pretended that I was verbally denigrating on the phone when I called to check on her health!!!!!!!!!!!

So of course while my clueless father is inquiring while I am bullying my ailing mother, my mother the actress is freaking out in the background and harshly instructing my father to get off the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep in mind, I am fighting cancer and I have been the target of her smear campaigns and she gaslights me like I am paranoid.  I had just generously sent her some personal care gifts because she had been depressed and I thought by cheering her up that she would be less inclined to act out (I know, magical thinking.)

Here she is, crying to my father, that I am bullying her!!!!!!!!

She wants me to confront her, she wants to hear my anguish, my outrage, my confusion.

I decided right then and there not to take the bait and give her that fuel because it just feeds her.

I excused myself from the phone call and didn't say a word to my father who obviously felt like the white knight protecting his wife from his horrible daughter.

I blocked my parents on everything. 

Of course they contact my sister asking "Why????????  What did we do now?????????"

My sister decided to go VVVLC with them as well.

I tried boundaries like medium chill, info diet.  The only way to get out with my sanity in tact is NC.

[Liketheducks]

With my dad......and we've since been able to cobble together a heavily boundaried relationship.....it was simple.   I moved out and just stopped calling.   He never reached out to me.   He was heavily into drinking and drugging.....AND his marriage to my mom was falling apart.    He had pointed a gun at me while I was a senior in high school.   I made it clear that I didn't feel safe around him (ObvS!)

My mom was more complicated.   I had her pegged as my "stable" parent.   When she moved in with us, it became obvious that this was not at all true.   In fact, I could see her half of the dysfunction in their marriage when she moved in.   After a number of chaotic events, things that I had carefully managed to avoid before she moved in, there was a blow up at Christmas.   She gave me, my husband, and her only grandson the silent treatment on what should have been a beautiful family day - but for her sulking and generally making everyone feel uncomfortable.   It was a few days later that, I called her....I had had to go out of town.   I was in a place where I would do all the recovering after a chaotic event or disagreement.   I said, can we talk.....and her response was a very angry "Speak!"  as if I was a dog.  Something in me snapped.    It was then, that I said, "this living together isn't working out.  I have 3 rental properties that are currently open, you're welcome to any one of them free of charge.....clearly, you're unhappy living with us....and ultimately, I really want you to be happy".    She left that day telling all of my family that I kicked her out and made her homeless.   She's still, on the brief occasions that we do interact, urging me to fix our relationship.      She's since burned bridges with each of my siblings - but I'm still the scapegoat.   

[donutmoonpanda]

With uNPD dad, I always wanted NC. I ran away from home when I was a teen. Then the flying monkeys got me to mend our relationship. There was always a lot of financial entanglement that he definitely manufactured to keep all his children under his control. I'd be walking away from a family trust and presumably a large inheritance. It wasn't until I was seeing a therapist in my 30s that I finally began talking about the sexual abuse I experienced, and working through that naturally led to me going NC. Yeah, I'm definitely disinherited.

With uNPD mom, it was more complicated. She was less obviously a bad parent. The neglectful one. (The squeaky wheel always gets the grease.) One Christmas she was drunk and walking around my holiday party ignoring my niece. This toddler wanted my mom's attention and she couldn't be bothered to pay any attention to her for longer than a second. And then she'd have to steal the show and take attention away from the toddler. I was flashing back to childhood. Then she started telling stories about what a difficult child I had been. I was a totally parentified straight-A student who was seen and never heard. But there she was, lying and scapegoating me just like she did when she was married to my dad. That's when I realized things were never different and would never be different.

I had accepted the fact that she'd never take responsibility for the abuse that I suffered that she KNEW about and never did anything to stop, that she'd never admit to encouraging some of that violence and using me as a human shield, that she'd outright lie about the things she witnessed and participated in, and would never apologize for any of it. But, at least, I thought she was sorry. That can't be true when she's lying, disrespecting me, scapegoating me, using me as a pawn to get the kind of attention she wants. I came to realize she's done all these unloving things because she doesn't love me. I was sick for several days after this, my stomach was a total wreck, just smelling any food made me sick to my stomach. All because I knew what I had to do.

I thought I had one good parent and one bad one. I had two bad parents. And I'm NC with both of them. I had it easy on both accounts because neither of them ever tried to contact me again. It's like they knew it was coming. But really they never reach out because they don't even want to talk about mending the relationship, they don't want to hear about it, they don't even want to feign interest. They can't stoop to that level! That's how abysmal they truly are.