Trying to reset

[Ziggy52]

I got something in the mail from my parents again the other day. It's been about 10 years since I've said anything or responded to them in any way. I wish I was immune to them. My life without them is good. I'm happy, and have so much that I look forward to. But when I see something from them, it STILL takes me down. That initial dread at seeing their names and address on the envelope; trying to decide if I should drop it in the trash, or open it to see if anything has changed. Wondering what the motivation was for them to send it.

I've thought about trying to block mail from them, but the drama kick-back would make things so much worse. I've blocked them in every other way possible.

Each time, whether I open it or not, I have to reprocess everything, again, always eventually coming back to the same conclusions;
-I can't trust them. NC is for my safety and mental health. I am justified.
-There is no way to reconnect with them. They have blamed me for being "full of hate," and I still don't even know what led up to it.
-I don't want to reconnect with them. I feel physically ill when I give it much serious thought.
-The situation is unlikely to change. But I still sometimes imagine it could.

It can take days.

Maybe this time it's hit harder because of a family crisis. My brother was hurt in a car accident a few weeks ago, and it was made abundantly clear that I'm not considered family by my other siblings. My brother and I were doing okay. When he finally gets to come home, will we still be okay?

I had a dream about my mom again for the first time in a long time. I was back in high school, and the office attendant gave me a note saying my mom was waiting to talk to me in the office. I tried to hide, but she found me. She told me that nothing I thought happened ever did.

I'm trying to let go, but crap! I'm so tired of not knowing. Of wondering who's going to drop me next. Will it be something I said without realizing? Will it be something I did without realizing? Will it be because they are protecting my mom? AITAH, lol?

[moglow]

Can you contact your brother directly, would that help set your mind at ease at all? Barring that, Remind yourself what you said above:

-I can't trust them. NC is for my safety and mental health. I am justified.
-There is no way to reconnect with them. They have blamed me for being "full of hate," and I still don't even know what led up to it.
-I don't want to reconnect with them. I feel physically ill when I give it much serious thought.
-The situation is unlikely to change. But I still sometimes imagine it could.

Remove yourself from the idea that you have to justify anything. You don't. Their ideas of blame is all on them, not your stuff at all. Any ideas that "something will change" - without any hard work and consistent effort on everyone's part - are yours [or rather that small child inside who knows this thing isn't right but has no means of changing it]. There is NOTHING wrong with refusing to reconnect with toxic people. Nothing. You know what you get if you try? More of what they know, who they are. A whole load of toxins you don't want or need in your life - because that's what they know.

[Ziggy52]

Thanks, Moglow. I've been revisiting the toolbox, reading and re-reading posts on the forum. It's helping. 

I did text my brother a few days ago. DH also texted him the same day. DH got a response, I didn't. Brother has so many broken bones and injuries. I'm trying not to read into it, it can't be easy for him. But, admittedly, I'm afraid to try again. If he doesn't answer again, I'll feel bad about being rejected, if he does answer, I'll feel bad about having doubted; once again, it will be me, "having made it into something it's not."

[helpneeded]

I relate to what you said about your dream. You tried to hide. She found you and said nothing happened the way you remember it.

My mother was on a serious gaslighting trip since I have been an adult (and when I was a child, too, I am sure, but these adult memories I can access easily). Example - my father had very serious cancer when I was a teen, low chance of surviving, and she told me 20 years later that it had been minor and no big deal  and also she let me know that she had also told my friends from that era that I had made it all up!

The last time I saw her, I told for my in laws an oft-repeated story about my mom that is overall funny in the telling, and shows her as a frazzled mom of 3 (but also shows that we were terrified of her, I realize now, but my intent was not to embarrass her).

Even though the story has been told 100x, this time she was getting agitated, I guess because her hold on me had evaporated and she knew it. At the end, she said something like, "Your memories are not trustworthy, and could be imagined, it's a psychological fact, and I have a book about it that I will lend you." This, despite the story being well established lore.

The messages to me in that were layered, too personally complicated to explain, but the parts for you are: No one will believe you, I know better than you, if you come up with new stories you will not be believed,  you are defective in memory and otherwise, etc. That is her FEAR. She is afraid of being found out for what she really is, and willing to sacrifice you on the altar to preserve her own version of the past, in which she is a lovely mom. Your existence, frightfully, endangers this vision of herself.

The fact that you feel physically ill when you think of them means you have trauma. Your mom's behavior suggests major toxicity. It's not you, it's them. I hope your brother pulls through all right. And I hope this post is helpful in some way -- I really related to what you wrote.

[Ziggy52]

Help needed,

Thanks so much for your sharing and validation. The beginning of your comment  mentioning that "The messages to me in that were layered, too personally complicated to explain" is exactly what I deal with in these interactions with family. So much back story and emotion to go with it. So many potential consequences behind everything.

And also the main point of that part of your text; "No one will believe you, I know better than you, if you come up with new stories you will not be believed,  you are defective in memory and otherwise, etc. That is her FEAR. She is afraid of being found out for what she really is, and willing to sacrifice you on the altar to preserve her own version of the past, in which she is a lovely mom. Your existence, frightfully, endangers this vision of herself."

So true!! (My mom would also say "if my reaction seems over the top, it's because of what you did to me!") Once we reached the tipping point, they were done with me. It didn't take long. Everything became about my children, and how I was depriving them of their grandparents.

I was also told more than once, "That's not true, and you know it!" Mom told DH I was "mental," and asked him to sneak our children to them for visits behind my back. (He didn't comply, which put him on the chopping block as well.) They deny everything. In their words, they've "shown nothing but unconditional love and support," and "have no idea what is wrong" with me. To make those statements, after everything, and even after sending an email declaring they were "disowning" me, "legally"—where does one even go from there??

I knew very young my mom struggled. I became incredibly protective of her emotions, not just within the family, but to anyone outside who dared mention her odd or negative behavior. I didn't realize how much I was affected until I was Out of the FOG.

Much of how I've dealt with things is from trauma. I have suffered symptoms of C-ptsd and have worked with a therapist. It reached a point where there was so little to discuss, I decided to pause it. I've reached out again. I clearly need a "tune up!"

Brother is doing better. He's no longer in ICU.

For some reason, while I've been able to before, I can't access the hugging icon, but thanks again to you and Moglow —(hug icon goes here)