Recording Arguments

[Frustrated Guy]

I am conflicted here. My Covert Narc-Sis inflicts her abuse when others aren't present. It is a repeating pattern/cycle that is extremely predictable. The thing is when it occurs I feel as though others don't believe the severity, gravity, or insanity of the arguments or downplay them bc they are concerned that my narc-sis cant effectively manage her problems/mental state. I am gaslit by the Narc-sis frequently, insisting things were said by her or me which I dont believe are correct. I have the honesty to acknowledge I am not perfect and may misremember things but she is consistently absolute in her positions and recollections that mismatch mine.

In an effort to protect myself and my sanity I have begun recording conflicts when they occur using the memo feature on my apple watch. I have these to confirm to myself my position, help me maintain my cool, and shape my future responses. The thing is, its still even more infuriating that she can perpetrate this abuse right under the nose of family and friends who have no idea and who she treats completely differently. I know I cant share the recordings with anyone due to the nature they were obtained.

I am honestly fine with limited interactions with her. Long and short I dont need her support and attention (normal healthy Adult brother sister stuff). In other posts, I share that I operate my family business together with her and currently cannot (or choose not to) completely sever ties as that would have significant financial ramifications on myself and also our parents.

I just can't stay out of her way. I guess I am just curious if others have recorded these interactions. Next time there is an argument instead of being covert about the recording I intend to let her know I am recording the interaction just to make sure we both manage ourselves appropriately and can accurately remember the exchange (however I am sure in the moment that would only serve to ratchet up tensions) just not sure what the right call is.

[Starboard Song]

Let me be first on the scene to say it: in some places it is illegal to covertly record a conversation. That said, this is not a place to give or receive legal advice, so let's please all lay off that angle and trust you can figure all that out on your own. If you are triyng to document or prove things, that is a legal question for an attorney and not for any of us.

**

Can you imagine saying to a friend "as we begin, I need to inform you that I am recording this conversation"? They'd be offended. I mean, I would be. So of course a toxic or disordered person will be.

I felt that saying "I am recording this" was just too hostile in an already hot situation. So I personally didn't record interactions, but immediately took specific, bulleted notes within moments after a conversation. This is more than sufficient to prevent gaslighting and preserve the truth for you. I found it very helpful to write down exactly what was said right then. Recording was never necessary.

I recommend documenting impressions in your own contemporaneous notes.

[Empie2204]

I agree with Starboard Song about recording conversations'  legal consequences and justification.

However, I here confess that I did it once. The purpose of my recording was light years far from using it as any kind of action against anybody.

I was awaiting one painful conversation, and I knew I would be too emotionally affected by it, so I decided to record it on my smartphone (in my bag). I intended to listen to it afterward to analyze my reactions and the contents discussed.

I could not force myself to listen to it until 4 or 5 days after it had happened. While listening I felt bad because it was the first time I could hear my PD at a time and space distance. The recording was my private clear evidence of him showing genuine PD traits. That meant the dispersion of doubts that were always present after previous arguments. It was, so to say, one of the stages of my long-lasting education.

I know it was not fair of me to do it but I never mentioned that to anyone let alone to my PD. It would be useless. I listened to my recording twice, and after that I deleted it.

[Starboard Song]

I here confess that I did it once.

Ok, ok, ok. I did it once, too. When a conversation was doing to last a long time. I, too, listened later and deleted it.

[Empie2204]

So, I guess, there was no harm done. And it served a just cause. 🤐

[nanotech]

It's that feeling they have of your being a sitting target? Phonecalls fall into this category, as do car journeys with just them. Any time where they are sure no one else can hear.
While we are speaking to them we are often like rabbits caught in the headlights. I think this is why recording and playing back is helpful. I haven't done it yet but I can see how it would allow time for me to come out of child mode and settle back into adult mode. This is the time and space distance you speak about. It enables neutrality. It helps us to respond rationally, rather that emotionally.

Another ploy-If you have someone with you when you call, putting them on speakerphone and telling them, is a good counter  it's one I've used.
Also, any time my dad has left me one of his self- pitying, rambling voicemails ( always forcing himself to cough as if he's ill)  I've listened to it a few times, and analysed his reaction to my not being immediately available. He usually tries to guess what I'm doing! He goes through, one by one, all of  the things I might be doing! His preferred reasons are that I am ' busy with the children/ grandchildren, then he moves on to hobbies I have.  He really dislikes the fact that I have hobbies. The hobby excuse is always the last to be mentioned, tagged on the end as his voice tails off in full victim mode.  It's as if he has to remind himself that I actually have a life.  I think the sinister implication  is,  ' You better be doing something VERY  important if you're not picking up for my call. Even if you are, I''m unhappy. And if it's because you are prioritising a hobby, I'm VERY unhappy."

What I wouldn't give to hear,
' Hi! Sorry I missed you! Hope you're well!  I'll try later!'

Which is what he gets from me!