Processing a metric ton

[Liketheducks]

My previously abusive, likely NPD father....who recently reached out...and apologized....and has been messaging with lots of boundaries on my part....has had a massive stroke.   No one is asking or expecting me to step in and do anything.   And, I'm not sure what I should be doing.   It will be a very long haul for him.   One that he may not survive.    His wife has been graciously and tentatively giving me updates.   It is a special kind of weird speaking with a new step mother, whom you've never met.    She's maybe 8 years old than me.    I'm glad that they seem to have brought each other some peace and happiness.   

Meanwhile, my mom...is totally using this as an excuse to push....the "you must fix our relationship" (the one between mom and I....as I erected boundaries that she's not fond of) narrative.   She's fine, BTW.   

[easterncappy]

My previously abusive, likely NPD father....who recently reached out...and apologized....and has been messaging with lots of boundaries on my part....has had a massive stroke.   No one is asking or expecting me to step in and do anything.   And, I'm not sure what I should be doing.   It will be a very long haul for him.   One that he may not survive.    His wife has been graciously and tentatively giving me updates.   It is a special kind of weird speaking with a new step mother, whom you've never met.    She's maybe 8 years old than me.    I'm glad that they seem to have brought each other some peace and happiness.   

Meanwhile, my mom...is totally using this as an excuse to push....the "you must fix our relationship" (the one between mom and I....as I erected boundaries that she's not fond of) narrative.   She's fine, BTW.   

If you want to, and if you think it's worth it to you, you're free to comfort him in this situation. However, I'm of the view that after 18 years old, your relationship with your parents is like any other relationship in life - you leave if they start being abusive. They don't get a special pass because they're your parents, or even because they're dying (I'm so sorry for how mean that sounds but it's true).

The problem is, a lot of PD's "in remission" slip up constantly. It's up to you where you draw the line. It's hard to tell if they're even being genuine. My husband's mom has God knows what PD and she's done the whole apologizing and boundaries routine, except whenever things get rough, she reverts back to her insane abusive behavior. My husband can only handle speaking to her every once in a while... I've never heard of a PD getting entirely "better". And forget about "making up for" a lost childhood, or ever getting to the point of having a "normal parent/child relationship". The best you can hope for with someone like this is forgiveness, talking it out, seeing if they're for real, and if they're for real... you get to have a neutral relationship with another adult.

I know some of this might sound short or cold, but it's true. It's good of you to want to comfort a sick and possibly dying man. If he's for real, that's great. If he reverts to any abusive behavior at all, you're not obligated to stick around. Proceed with caution and keep in mind that he's old enough to make his own decisions, one of which is whether or not he spends his last days or years around family, which depends on how he treats the people around him... it's in his control.

As for your mom, I wouldn't even touch that one. The "you have to" thing rubs me the wrong way. Does she show any remorse at all? Has she taken any responsibility at all? If not, don't bother.

[Cat of the Canals]

As for your mom, I wouldn't even touch that one. The "you have to" thing rubs me the wrong way. Does she show any remorse at all? Has she taken any responsibility at all? If not, don't bother.

and I'd add, how lovely that she's making your father's illness about her. She must sense that you're in a potentially vulnerable place emotionally and decided now was a great time to swoop in and try to manipulate you into playing the rugsweeping game. Arg.

[Liketheducks]

Funnily enough, when I first heard about Dad...my first response was to verify what was actually happening.   I seriously told a friend that it wasn't beneath my dad to fabricate the illness in the past.    He wasn't this time.   And, thankfully, he's making positive progress.   Though it will be a long road.  I didn't have to jump in and fix anything.   

My mom....yep, I just let that one slide.   I'm open to fixing things.   But, like in the situation with my dad....I need different input to provide different results....with boundaries.

[moglow]

how lovely that she's making your father's illness about her. She must sense that you're in a potentially vulnerable place emotionally and decided now was a great time to swoop in and try to manipulate you into playing the rugsweeping game. Arg.

Ha! Yes to all that.

Meanwhile, my mom...is totally using this as an excuse to push....the "you must fix our relationship" (the one between mom and I...)

She'd need to define "fix" and actually put forth some personal effort at addressing whatever needs fixing, for it to hold water with me. I'm guessing that means complete capitulation and kowtowing to whatever she feels is reasonable? Mine liked the "we may not have much time left, considering my age" argument. Well no, we don't. But you've shown little/no interest all this time, so my job here is what, exactly?

I'm glad Dad is making progress. 

[NarcKiddo]

You're obviously aware you have to keep your guard up with PD people. But there is a spectrum and I think some PD people have some capacity to recognise and change some of their behaviour. I don't think it will ever be fixed in the way we would like and you have to protect yourself first and foremost. From what you write it seems to me that maybe your father's wife has helped him with some aspects of his behaviour and it certainly sounds as though she is being reasonable and respectful. So that is a plus. I'm glad to hear you've had no pressure put on you to do anything and I don't think there is anything you need feel obliged to do or say. I'm glad he's making progress.

Your mother seems to be making it abundantly clear just why we have to keep our guard up with PD people.

[Liketheducks]

I am recognizing the spectrum.   No illusion here that my father has suddenly become the "Daddy" I deserved.   But, I'm grateful for where we are now.   I know that I have to drive the boundary train for myself with him AND mom. 

Yes, Mom's version of "fixing" is complete capitulation.   Honestly, I'm not sure that would be enough.   

[moglow]

Heard. Mine had a strong tendency to move goalposts on a whim. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you'd get whacked with a new one. All my life I did everything I knew to comply and get along, did nothing but melt me down. Life's simpler now with her steering clear, and I'm grateful.

[Liketheducks]

And, gulp.... Step mother I've never met is actually my age.   She's been very gracious.  Just.... Wow