Reaching wit's end with partner's financially toxic mother

[Finb]

To be clear, my MIL is a single mother who still has 4 children living at home in Los Angeles. And she was laid off recently. So she's not doing well financially.

But... she also has a history of spending frivolously and making my partner pay the bill. Right after she got laid off, she threw a big dinner for the whole family. She just bought her daughter the most expensive iPhone and a new Apple watch. This kind of behavior goes a long way back.

All the while my partner is paying her rent and cell phone bill, neither of which are cheap. My partner is literally broke. Their mother has basically taken all of their money. And it's reaching a point where it's also draining my finances because I'm having to support them financially. And with the economy in the state it's in, I'm really not happy about the amount of money that's going to her.

It's a tough situation because homelessness is definitely a very real possibility for their family. But I do think their mother could do a better job of making ends meet if she wasn't constantly spending money.

But this situation is really getting to my partner. Their mental health is literally hanging by a thread because of this, and they are beginning to talk about suicide. And I think they mean it too. So it's kind of tough for me to just put my foot down and say "no more".

I'm really stuck here, and I'm not really sure what to do. Any advice?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found an amazing place full of information and support.
It sounds that your partner 's behaviour is negatively affecting you. You also seem to feel sorry for your partner and the burden his mother places on him.
Let me state here - you cannot change your partner. However they behave, that's their choice. You can only change yourself. Now, it seems that you are enabling your partner's financially ruinous behaviour. As long as you keep financing them, they can continue financing their family of origin. That is your choice. Do you want to continue? Are you prepared for the possibility that eventually a part of your income goes to maintain their mothers lifestyle? Are you open to your partner about the concerns you have?
What can you do to change your situation? How can you protect yourself? And that is the big question- how to set boundaries and protect yourself. Don't wait for your partner to change. What can you change? How can you make your life better?
Check out the Toolbox for strategies to use. See you around on the boards.

[bloomie]

Finb - Hi and welcome. Your mil's choices have to be very hard to bear witness to. The possibly engrained response and choice in your partner to rescue her and bail her out at their own expense has to be even more worrisome and painful to see taking place. It is sad when a family dynamic is this unhealthy.

Something that has been helpful and clarifying for me to learn about is the drama cycle and to challenge myself to discern if I am at any time taking one of the roles in a unhealthy cycle of victim, rescuer, persecutor. (also called the Karpman Triangle) Here is a link to an article that I find explains this social interaction between people that can cycle on for years and we can unwittingly, from all good intentions find ourselves a part of.
https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/

Would your partner be willing to see a therapist or spiritual advisor to get some perspective and support as this seems to be gravely threatening their mental health?

From what you describe, this is a long term and complicated scenario in your partner's family of origin and navigating it has to be tricky. I have learned that if I am double minded in my own decisions - eg., helping financially when I don't agree and/or it is threatening my own stability - it is not truly helping anyone in the long term and can add another dimension of tacit uncertainty to the situation.

With my own partner who once had a very hard time setting limits with his mother and sibling to the very great detriment of his mental health, I had to first put on my own oxygen mask and step away from what was, and still can be, a very toxic and unhealthy dynamic. When I took up the mantra that we have here: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it (3 C's) and focused on the only thing I ever can control or change which is myself I began to live freely and more at peace in time and my partner witnessed that and wanted it for himself. It opened up possibilities for my partner he never considered and he saw what hard inner work and loving, kind, and consistent boundaries can bring about.

I wish you much wisdom and strength as you find the best way forward in this. I hope you will keep coming back and sharing here. It has been such a help and support for me in my own healing journey!

[Poison Ivy]