Confused, Frustrated and Feeling Alone in my Family

[BambiFringe81]

So recently I was finally able to listen to the hints my therapist has been dropping for years every time I brought up my (undiagnosed) PD sister and parents. My sister sent me several odd text messages. For context: they were vague but basically had to do with her job and believing she was being followed by a malevolent spirit there. She tried to facetime me several times in a row but I was in a meeting. When I was done less than 10 minutes later, she refused to answer the phone.  I have been concerned about her mental state and substance abuse for years, but since we live many states apart I only get to see her a few times a year and i have been writing off any of her odd or hurtful behavior I see in person due to alcohol over-comsumption or a bad break-up she went through... then a bad friend break-up she went through... then another... and now most recently a very mutually-toxic relationship with a guy who means well but also drinks way too much.

Long story short, I got worried when she didn't answer after several calls. She doesn't have a history that I know of of self harm, but she has been talking a lot about her "eating disorder coming back" (I never knew she had one), and being hard to communicate with in a seemingly intentional way whenever we do get on the phone. She usually calls me to dump emotionally and in the last year, on the advice of my therapist, I check in with MYSELF before I answer/allow myself to be pulled in to the never-ending theatrics and negativity. So now I answer the calls maybe half the time and try to just keep it on text.

Anyway, her boyfriend answers bc (As he always tells me) I "am the only one who can calm her down" and apparently she was very upset, locked herself in the bedroom. He says, "Okay, she's gonna be mad I answered but I don't care she's really upset and she's always way better after she talks to you." He brings the phone in the room and a screaming match between the two of them begins. Eventually, she takes my call and she's using a weird low, slow voice and giving me one-word answers to my very basic questions, like "How are you feeling?", etc. She's always been very stubborn and has flipped out on me and said every mean name in the book to me over the years, but I have always chalked it up to her being a "hothead" and us being so close, she feels it's "safe" to take her anger out on me. Finally after a few minutes of getting nowhere, I ask: "Are you on something? What's going on?" She got very offended I would even ask, so I said: "You know you're not using your real voice right now, right?" She didn't answer, so I said, "You sound a little slow." Which I meant the CADENCE of her speech but she took as another rude comment. I ignored the attempt to derail (thank you to my therapist who taught me how to spot these!) and said, "You sent me some very vague texts that made me worried you're not in a good place. So I am calling to try to help you. Do you want my help?" And she begrudgingly agreed to stay on the phone with me to explain her mood. Nothing made sense and instead of engaging with the strange delusions, I tried to steer our conversation towards ways to self-soothe that don't involve alcohol. I was on speaker and her boyfriend was actually being very sweet (definitely not their usual dynamic) and adding in his own helpful thoughts ("hey, that's a great idea BambiFringe81! We should go to the beach to watch the sunset when you're done talking" etc.) to which every single one my sister would flip out at him over and cut off anything he said by accusing him of interrupting her and making excuses as to why none of our ideas would ever work. I did finally feel like she was in a non-scary-to-me-place and we said good-bye. I was so worried and wasn't sure what to do, but highly suspected she was having a manic episode (she's never had one to my knowledge).

About an hour later her boyfriend texted me saying he's really worried, she's been in this state of mind a week and a half, he's tried to help in any way he can but she screams at him and he doesn't know what to do. He admitted they have a toxic dynamic but that this was something different and he was worried, and very worried that she would find out he texted me and raise hell. Also that he had reached out to my parents days ago but they are in denial that she has any problems. I said, "if she's still this way this weekend let's talk on the phone." I spent most of the weekend crippled with anxiety and trying to figure out a way to feasibly get to her in person if need be (which is extremely hard because I have multiple pets and my husband and I both travel for work, and I am starting a new contract-job in my city this week, which requires several in-person security clearances that need to be met before I can begin). Boyfriend never called this weekend and she sent me some overly chipper "EVERYTHING IS GREAT SORRY I WORRIED YOU" texts that were so obviously not really what was going on. So, while still worried, since I have so much going on, I figured the storm had passed.

Well, I was wrong.

Today, my parents call and tell me she's been admitted to the ICU. Her boyfriend called them this morning to let them know. I won't post the details here bc they are ultimately not important. It wasn't a suicide attempt but it is highly concerning and she will be in there for at least a week. I told my parents we need to go there but because of work (and also I just can't deal with the circus of all of them together especially in high stress environments) I couldn't get there for another week or so and they should go ASAP. My dad agreed but then also spent most of the call hyper-focused on the fact that my sister "chose to move far away and I told her not to" and all of the things in her life that he doesn't approve of. DON'T GET ME WRONG I DON'T APPROVE EITHER but like, your ADULT CHILD is in the ICU I don't think whether you can now say, "haha, told ya so" is important now. There's so much more there but I'm trying to stay on the topic of this one specific incident.

I have basically spent all of today sobbing (not something I do often), thinking about the fact that she is in serious danger with her physical and mental health. I feel helpless. I feel like a bad sister and a bad human and like I have failed her and my parents because I couldn't keep her safe and figure out what the problem was (she refuses to go to therapy or try to get a diagnosis, saying everything from she can't afford it to she's just eccentric there is nothing really wrong), when it's been so obvious there has been a problem for YEARS.

I don't even know if any of this is necessary information. I'm basically just typing all of this out to help myself process a little bit and maybe have it be seen by people who have been through something similar and will be able to give me some advice because I am truly at a LOSS in a way I have never been before. I don't know how to go forward. I don't know how to help her or my parents and I feel like it is up to me to fix everything and make everyone okay.

TBH, I will never go NC with her or my parents (who my therapist suspects may also have some form of PD) because our childhood was weird and traumatic and I was the "Parent" in our family and even though I know that's not fair of my parents to have done/do to me, how do you let someone who you are their only life raft in the world drown? I'm not judging anyone who has gone NC, we all have to do what we feel is right for ourselves. I personally couldn't do that to her.

ADVICE? THOUGHTS? I love my sister and my parents even though they are messed up, they're what I've got. But as my husband has been saying for years, and now I finally feel it myself: I cannot keep living my life this way. My best friend knows my family too and says I "need to figure out how to take off the weighted vest" An apt metaphor, but how do I do it without going NC?

[notrightinthehead]

Boundaries! Steel wall, sky high boundaries!
Welcome! You have found a place of people who understand and share your experiences. There is a lot of information and support here. Please check out the Toolbox for strategies when dealing with your family.
The book on boundaries I read was by Townsend and Cloud it has a christian background, but you can skip the Bible paragraphs. It has excellent examples how to implement boundaries. Important to know is that boundaries are agreements with yourself which behaviour you will and will not tolerate and what you will do when boundaries are crossed. There is also plenty of information on boundaries on YouTube.
So glad to read that you have a therapist who gets you and that you have a supportive husband. Well done! Many of us choose a dysfunctional partner, just because that's our comfortable 'normal' when coming from a dysfunctional family.  So well done to you!

[treesgrowslowly]

I agree fully with what notrightinthehead wrote.

Longer term (like over the next months), exploring boundaries with your therapist is going to help you to manage your role in your family.

Right not from what you wrote it sounds like you are the one who feels and expresses some of the repressed emotions of the people around you. Do you think that is what is going on? You had a parent who expressed judgemental and shaming emotions towards your sister "I told her so" and you went home and expressed all of the grief and sadness you feel. You might be carrying all of the unexpressed emotions of the people around you...leading to entire days spent trying to process valid emotions around how it feels to have a family member in the hospital with a scary condition.

A lot of us here grew up in families where we were just not taught that our empathy was a gift. Those of us with a lot of empathy, can end up feeling really alone in our family of origin, because we are the ones who can feel and express certain emotions like sadness and grief.

For those who don't want to go NC and have a lot of responsibilities in their family of origin, boundaries become the daily practice, but those develop over time. Your therapist likely will be quite helpful to you over the next while, to discuss how much of your time and effort you want to give to family members, and how you want to establish more boundaries in your life in the future.

It is very good that there are people in your life who see the toll it is taking on you, because it sounds to me like you are trying to carry and hold on to and process a lot of the emotions that you feel, but also the emotions that other people around you are not expressing. This can lead to caregiver burnout.

I think there is a way to eventually express boundaries to your family members - I think it is valuable to work with a therapist who understands what are the likely reactions going to be from your family members when you put some limits around your time and effort. That way you can be prepared for their reactions to your changes.

Trees