Taking sides with whatever or whoever upsets you

[Unbroken1]

I have posted elsewhere here about this but this is a bone that I can't seem to stop chewing on. iMy uNPD ex wife (covert/communal) had an infuriating way to provoke me, and that was whenever I had a conflict with someone else, or an unsatisfactory or upsetting outcome (not getting a project awarded by a client, for example), or expressed unhappiness or discontent with a situation, she would use a tactic that was incredibly invalidating, and that was to blame me for the situation and to always side with the other. Every. Single. Time. Usually in a smug, condescending, and if she thought I was making her look bad to others, toxic shaming manner. Sometimes with a side of Duper's Delight and a twinkle in her eye.

This behavior also showed up in other ways: assuming the films her BFF liked would be better than the ones I suggested, becoming besties with and triangulating me with someone who abused my friendship by screwing me in a business deal, and so on.

Seven years after the divorce, the heat of the pain and rage I feel about this has hardly diminished and I am really struggling to trust myself and my judgement. I know this aspect of our relationship also is evidence of how I was gaslit by my parents, so now my life seems to be filled with self-doubt about pretty much anything I do for myself.

I wonder if anyone else here has experienced this uniquely malicious, covertly sadistic type of treatment from a relationship partner?

[easterncappy]

My parents did this a lot to me. My mom was a bit more into the mind games version of this, but my dad wasn't as intelligent with his manipulation and made it very obvious that he was just siding with someone who hurt me because he could. They'd tell me that random bad things that happened to me were "the universe" punishing me for perceived transgressions from years ago. They sided with grown men who groomed and abused me when I was a teenager - pretty much with every conflict I had in a relationship was my fault to them, just because it could be. My dad would say "that poor boy... think of everything you did to him..." about a man who stole money from me to send to random people on the internet. My mom once sided with a mentally ill woman who followed me around a store making fun of my weight... I remember crying to someone on the phone for hours about this, I cried so hard that I could barely breathe because it just hurt so much that my own mom could do that, I didn't even care about what the stranger said, just that my mom took her side. She was visibly overjoyed to see me crying about it, but rewrote the story after she realized that a lot of other people thought she was the bad guy when I told them.

It's only happened to me once in the context of a chosen relationship, and that was a very short-lived chosen relationship. I had an icky feeling about the guy in general, but man, my parents adored him (until they lost a bit of money due to him - the only thing that could ever make them stop siding with someone who treated me poorly). I told him about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, and his response was "oh, come on... he was probably really drunk when it happened... I bet he doesn't even remember it! Probably didn't even know what he was doing!". I know you asked about chosen relationships, but it seems like when you're raised by PD's you attract a lot of them too, it's very connected... they can tell you're vulnerable and might put up with their crap easier. Until you get Out of the FOG and work on your self-esteem, then they're repulsed by you and you can smell them from a mile away anyway.

They do it just because they can. It's such an easy way to make you feel bad about yourself, it requires very little effort from them. They get off on your anger and sadness. To some degree, they think that if they keep you miserable, too miserable to function like a normal person, you'll be less likely to leave. And they're sort of right - the levels of depression and anxiety that my parents caused kept me from getting on my own two feet for a long time. Many people in chosen relationships with people like this feel so down that they might not feel "good enough" to leave for a very long time, or ever.

[Lauren17]

What you describe formed the basis of a 25 year marriage with stbx uNPDh.
Early in the marriage, his mother visited often.  She was full of manipulations, crossed boundaries, played stupid, was easily offended.  All of these behaviors were carefully and subtly attributed to me. 
"If you'd given me those directions, I would have done the same thing as Mom.  That was very confusing"
"Lauren, Mom can sense you don't like her and that's why she does these things.:

I had a work-friend who I now believe was a grandiose narc.  When I was promoted over him, he commenced a years-long abuse campaign. He spread rumors about me, withheld information needed to do my job, etc.  When I tried to talk to uNPDh about it, I was told,  "His feelings are hurt.  Think of what he's telling his spouse right now"  or "He thinks he's doing the right thing" or (my favorite) "Be careful, Lauren, in years to come, you'll look back on your actions here and be filled with shame."

I believed all of those things. I took them as truth for years.  As my T said, "Why wouldn't you? This person promised to love and cherish you."

I'm still struggling with letting go of his voice in my head, constantly invalidating my opinions and actions.
And I'm trying to acknowledge the anger.  I'm trying to put this emotional abuse in the past and realize it's no longer in my present.

[Almasmalmas]

I wonder if anyone else here has experienced this uniquely malicious, covertly sadistic type of treatment from a relationship partner?

Not from a romantic partner, but my mother and sister both do this. My mother was always been especially invalidating towards me.. For example, I was bullied in school and chose to tell Mother about it. She had/has the ability to make me feel like the most worthless pos. She usually says something on the lines of "Well what did you do to her (my bully)? to make her do/say that to you?"  "Maybe youre imagining it all. You can be real mean too." NOTE: Once she actually called me a Nazi which warms my heart to this day. You can imagine what this kind of talk does to a child. In adulthood I hear the same crap every time I seek support from them. I don't seek it anymore. I finally came to my senses. My "mother" (aka the woman who gave birth to me) and my "sister" (aka the person assigned as my sibling at birth) say the same things to me. Such as these:
* Are you sure you understood them correctly? You tend to take things the wrong way
* Dont make a problem out of this TOO (making it clear to me that I ALWAYS over-react and imagine things)
* I  bet you sounded hostile when you talked to them.
* Well everyone has problems
* Youre fine. Whats the issue?
* Don't start arguing with them too/again
* maybe its the way you express yourself to people
* You'll just make it worse if you say something to them
* I don't like it when you make assumption about other peoples motives.
* I'm sure they never intended to hurt you.
Even typing this makes me so angry.. I'm so tired and beaten down by it all.
So yeah. I'm in my mid-thirties and I still feel like I'm the problem in every  single conflict situation. Even if someone has committed a SA against me while I've been unconscious (this unfortunately happened) and every time someone has treated me poorly. I have been conditioned into submission and to stay quiet. Its a sinister form of emotional abuse and the invalidation is soul crushing..

Take care, you <3

[Boat Babe]

In all your stories it's the sheer malice that's breathtaking. And coming from a fucking parent or spouse. Hugs and healing to you all

[easterncappy]

* Are you sure you understood them correctly? You tend to take things the wrong way
* Dont make a problem out of this TOO (making it clear to me that I ALWAYS over-react and imagine things)
* I  bet you sounded hostile when you talked to them.
* Well everyone has problems
* Youre fine. Whats the issue?
* Don't start arguing with them too/again
* maybe its the way you express yourself to people
* You'll just make it worse if you say something to them
* I don't like it when you make assumption about other peoples motives.
* I'm sure they never intended to hurt you.

I swear to God they are all reading the same manual. Ain't no way this is a coincidence. My mom seemed allergic to the idea of me standing up for myself or seeking justice for being wronged, even if it was for something "small" like being bullied in school. It was always my fault and I was always dramatic. And man - those phrases are so familiar. I've heard most of them hundreds of times.

They're so uncreative. Bleh.

[olivegirl]

My toxic parents actually criticized and humiliated me to my in-laws in front of me:

My mother remarked while my father nodded his head,  "Olivegirl is a control freak!  Say goodbye to your son.  She's gonna be the boss now."

When I expressed my hurt to my parents over this betrayal, they scoffed:  Just joking olivegirl.  Don't be so sensitive."

Ok.  It gets worse. 

My in-laws invited my parents out again. 

I called my parents and begged them not to go because the previous meetup caused a lot of unnecessary friction between my in-laws and me.  I was imploring her.  "Please mom, please."

My mother laughed and sadistic cackled:
"Oh it's normal for in-laws to despise their daughter-in-law!!  Just obey her and it will be fine."

My husband and I refused to attend the dinner.  Trying to assert a boundary.

My parents went anyway to dine with the in-laws.  Again and again behind my back.

Annnnnnd my relationship with my in-laws worsened because somehow my mother-in-law got this idea that I was plotting to push her out and turn her only son against her.

My husband and my relationship with his parents rapidly deteriorated.  My mil was insistent she "knew how Olivegirl really is."

My mother and father remarked, "well your in-laws enjoy our company so we will
continue to see them.  They have a problem with you Olivegirl, not us."

My mother loves seeing me squirm in the hot seat, hearing my anguish.  When I told her she was causing marital problems for me,  all it did was coerce her to continue seeing my in-laws.  Clearly my mother enjoyed seeing me in pain and causing that pain.   My father had zero empathy for me.

My mother has a lot of anger and resentment in her marriage and my happiness triggered her.  To ease her personal suffering, she set out to cause damage in my marriage.  She once remarked that my husband and I are likely arguing and that "looks like the honeymoon is over for Olivegirl."

My parents insisted they behaved and that it's all my paranoia and that nothing unkind was said. 

Soon thereafter, husband and I became estranged from his parents with them choosing to cut us from their lives.  I was exhausted from defending myself but mil was insistent she knew what Olivegirl was thinking! 

My parents feigned confusion and feigned ignorance for their contribution.

I would have gone no contact with my parents right then and there too.  But I was terrified that my young marriage would not survive going no contact simultaneously with both sets of parents.

So I vowed to utilize strong boundaries, info diet.  My marriage survived 20 years later, but I am currently finally NC with my parents.

And I am still triggered after all these years with intense pain from the betrayal.  I told myself that I accept my parents' denial but I see that it's mostly magical thinking.

I get very enraged and very sad too. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Yes my PDx usually felt I needed to be taken down a few notches (as well as have my wings clipped regularly).  He "needed" me to be more insecure than he was, I believe.

He had all the grandiose talk and ideas about himself and literally scoffed at the idea I might be viewed as an equal, "I'm ONE HUNDRED times more competent than you!"   

But I was onto the fact that it was a house of cards and at the core he was filled with shame and fear, though I never expressed that or tried to make him feel exposed.  I didn't want him to feel worse.  I wanted him to feel better about himself so he could be happy and start healing. I knew he was very wounded.   Not that he showed his vulnerability, except rarely.  He was mostly snobbish, domineering, blustery, entitled, too good for everyone around him.  (Though when he wasn't activated he could also be very sweet, playful and affectionate.)

Whenever he was in the devaluing stage, which became so much more prevalent over time, I had to be shown up in any way possible.  "How are you deficient? Let me count the ways."  I thought I could pick a decent movie?  Suggest *any* activity for us that was worthy of exploring, ever?   Do any job, large or small, adequately?   He was able to sink it closer to home by commenting on other women who were younger, beautiful and had the right body type, which happened to be unlike mine.   (He was an artist and just appreciated beauty and form -- nothing for me to oversensitive about.)   I hated that. 

That he wasn't happy enough was obviously my fault.  If I were the right kind of partner, he would be happy, period. He tried to bully me into completely giving myself up and submitting to him.  It only half worked, so I became an adversary to be conquered and any advantage gained by any means was fair enough. I deserved any pain that came my way, and probably worse. 

There were all kinds of incredibly distorted stories about how I had failed him and I was kind of a monster.  And if I said "Wow, my view of reality is just waaaay different from yours," he'd become enraged because he'd been told that all his life and he didn't like to hear it.  His distorted thinking did not even allow him to make the easy and obvious conclusion that if everyone is saying this to him, maybe that says something about him, rather than just people are mean to be saying it.

I started learning about PD's while with him and realized more and more what he (and I) were dealing with.  Since I mostly saw through it all and mostly didn't take it personally, I thought it didn't affect me.  Wrong.  Very wrong.  Thank goodness I began working with a Trauma T.

Looking back, sometimes I'm outraged; sometimes I'm terribly sad.  Sometimes I'm just grateful I got out.  That was a hard, hard thing to accomplish.

[Preamble]

Thank you for posting this, oh yes indeed my uPDM did this.  I always thought it was odd but now I see it was the default.

I have posted elsewhere here about this but this is a bone that I can't seem to stop chewing on. iMy uNPD ex wife (covert/communal) had an infuriating way to provoke me, and that was whenever I had a conflict with someone else, or an unsatisfactory or upsetting outcome (not getting a project awarded by a client, for example), or expressed unhappiness or discontent with a situation, she would use a tactic that was incredibly invalidating, and that was to blame me for the situation and to always side with the other. Every. Single. Time. Usually in a smug, condescending, and if she thought I was making her look bad to others, toxic shaming manner. Sometimes with a side of Duper's Delight and a twinkle in her eye.

This behavior also showed up in other ways: assuming the films her BFF liked would be better than the ones I suggested, becoming besties with and triangulating me with someone who abused my friendship by screwing me in a business deal, and so on.

Seven years after the divorce, the heat of the pain and rage I feel about this has hardly diminished and I am really struggling to trust myself and my judgement. I know this aspect of our relationship also is evidence of how I was gaslit by my parents, so now my life seems to be filled with self-doubt about pretty much anything I do for myself.

I wonder if anyone else here has experienced this uniquely malicious, covertly sadistic type of treatment from a relationship partner?