What did Jesus do?

[Associate of Daniel]

I really loathe the fact that in order to protect myself, and by extension my ds15, I have come to ignore his uNPD father and uNPD smother.  I ignore email content that is not about specific arrangements for ds.  I don't say anything to them on the (thankfully now rare) occasions when I'm in their presence.  I don't look at them or go near them.

These two are the only people in my life that I behave this way with.  They are the only two people in my life that I have any issues or difficulties with.

I don't like the person I am around them or when dealing with them.  It is not a true portrayal of my character.  And more importantly, it is not a true portrayal of a christian, which I profess to be.

I behave this way only to protect myself and ds.  I hold no grudge against the unpds and I don't hate them.  They are just not safe people for me to have anything to do with.

Since May, ds15's uNPD smother has been fishing for attention.  I have ignored almost all of her attempts.  I suspect that the emails that I have received from uNPD exH have (as is often the case) been written by her, perhaps without his knowledge.

I have been trying to remember correctly how Jesus dealt with these types of people.  I don't recall any occasion where he ignored them.  He usually had a succinct statement for them and that was that.  I'm not as smart as Him, to be able to do the same!

Does anyone know of any occasions when Jesus ignored these types of people? (Apart from during the lead up to His crucifixion when He ignored all of the false accusations, a practise that I first took up when uNPD exH first left 10 years ago.)

Lately the uNPDs are stating that our families should attend occasions, such as school functions, together, to show that we can all get along for Ds's sake.

Until now, I've not really spoken with ds about the fact that I (and my family) will not have anything to do with his uNPD father or uNPD smother.  I'm not sure what to say to him about it.

I'd like to say that I don't consider them to be safe people for me to be around.  But I don't think that would be a good idea.  And I don't know how to explain my ignoring them and their emails.

Does anyone have any experience with this, or any ideas?

AOD

[moglow]

I'm not sure of any biblical references to situations like this other than basically "do unto others." Pretending a unified front sounds all well and good until you know it's nothing of the sort. Their determination of "shoulds" aren't yours and don't have to be. That's their stuff. All those emails? Also not your stuff. Your only connection is DS.

I'd suggest you don't hide who you are or pretend to be someone you're not, but don't feed into their dysfunction either. I'm working harder at "grocery store polite" for those type of situations - be pleasant and be gone. Surface polite, minimal conversation, nothing personal. Whenever possible plan ahead to sit with friends/other parents for conversation and distraction during events.

It's not easy, I know. How old is DS? Is he of an age where you can you tell him that based on past interactions, you choose to not have a "relationship" with them?

[SonofThunder]

Hello AoD,

You wrote:

"I'd like to say that I don't consider them to be safe people for me to be around.  But I don't think that would be a good idea.  And I don't know how to explain my ignoring them and their emails."

I believe you may be discussing two important factors that are similar but may be approached from different perspectives. 

A: preventative self-protection (preplanned) boundaries on our own future actions/reactions. 

B: active detouring around any human's actions/reactions that are in conflict with A. 

I believe Jesus is very God.  Since I believe this, I therefore believe the OT and the NT books are both 'what Jesus would do'.  Sometimes through advanced teaching from God (A) and sometimes found through Jesus' own actions/reactions (B) and sometimes through the actions/reactions of others who are being obedient to God or Jesus' teaching (B).

With that stated, I believe the examples in the Bible are many, that show/teach both A and B to be beneficial.  I always keep in mind that although I may not be able/refuse to handle the actions and reactions of other people (and definitely do not control them, but only myself), that Jesus can surely handle their actions and reactions. Therefore I am comfortable protecting myself with my boundaries, passing along the responsibility to Jesus. 

1 Corinthians 5:11
2 Thessalonians 3:6
2 Thessalonians 3:14
Proverbs 20:19
2 John 1:10
2 Timothy 3:1-5
Titus 3:10

Every occasion Jesus 'slipped away' supernaturally from humans trying to harm him when his pre-planned time to be harmed had not yet arrived .  #jesusownboundaries

Regarding who we consider as our friends:

1 Corinthians 15:33
Proverbs 13:20
Proverbs 22: 24–25
James 4:4

Not sure if any of this is helpful, but happy to think along with you. 

Sorry you experience these things from those two people, and I would do the same thing you were doing as well, in self protective boundaries. 

My explanation to another person as to why I detour is that I find interaction with certain people to be very draining on my emotional and physical energy, therefore I choose to preserve my energy.

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you, Moglow and SoT, for your replies.

I would like to believe that normal, polite, surface conversations with my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife would be possible.  However, I have never found that to be the case.

Last time I stopped to say hello to her several years ago, she yelled at me in front of a large number of people, while my ds sat on her lap.  There had been a few other run ins in the same venue over a few years prior to that.

The last "conversation" I had with her was nearly 3 years ago, after which I researched restraining orders and looked up local police phone numbers, it was that ridiculous.

She has a way of making a statement that stops a conversation in its tracks.  I'm often completely floored at what comes out of her mouth and I have no idea of what to say in response.

She is extraordinarily rude and passive aggressive. She very often interrupts, LOUDLY, and demands attention.

UNPD exH, on the other hand, doesn't say boo in person. He is very nervous and and quiet. However, he lets it all out via email. (Thankfully.)

Smalltalk (which I really don't like anyway) is impossible with both of them.

Ds15 attended an event with his uNPD father last night.  His father had been pressing me and my family to attend, to show that the 2 families could get along together "for ds's sake."

Whilst ds had a connection with others involved in the event, he had no part in it, so I and my family didn't attend.

When I told ds that his dad had wanted us to go, and is wanting us to do other things together, the look of horror on ds's face was enough of an answer to me. He practically begged me not to.

I don't know if UNPD exH is telling ds that I ignore emails or not.  I'm sure it will come soon though, and I'm still trying to come up with a response.

A variation on SoT's suggestion about them being draining on emotional and physical energy might be the way to go.

Doing unto others... I agree.  Funny thing in this situation I actually do... do to the upds what I'd like them to do to me.  I ignore them.

I wish they'd ignore me. I wish they'd leave me alone.   I wish they (probably it's mainly her) would just go away and leave ds and me in peace.

But they are in my life for a reason, and only a season.  Thankfully (hopefully) that season will only be for a few more years.

AOD

[square]

"I respond to everything that needs a response."

[SonofThunder]

AoD,

Rather than trying to find a specific verse that addresses, "how would Jesus have spoken to a PD person in his life", I think we should look at the general theme of what was Jesus like as a person. A few thoughts that come to mind for me...

- He was compassionate, gracious and loving to those who were hurting and in need.
- He gravitated toward the marginalized, the oppressed, the outcast and those who were considered "less than" in society
- He came down on people who were hypocritical, overly-religious for religious sake, and thought themselves better than other people
- He was humble
- He was kind, but also not afraid to stand up for Himself and His Father if they were being disparaged or misused. He was not a doormat.
- He knew the importance of self-care, and withdrew when he needed to

Jesus was not formulaic. By that I mean, he didn't always do things the same way. I hate it when people try to make a formula out of Jesus' words or behavior, because in many ways he was unpredictable. Miracle? One time he uses mud, another he speaks a word, a third time he touches someone. There is no formula to it, so why do we try to make formulas about how Jesus would respond to people? Humans are messy, life is messy, it's not black-and-white, and Jesus understood the nuances and complexities of life and was willing to respond accordingly. (Side Note: With that said, God is not unpredictable in His Character. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, which should provide us great comfort.)

With all that in mind, I think it's safe to say that Jesus would have deep compassion for you and your situation, and He would not be upset that you are choosing a path of ignoring and low contact and quiet withdrawal. He knows your heart, and He knows the hearts of uNPD father and uNPD smother. He is not a fan of hypocrites and "whitewashed tombs." I am not saying that those to individuals are that (I don't know them so I couldn't say), but again, He knows their hearts and they will be judged accordingly in eternity.

I also think that we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves to act just as Jesus would. Yes of course there's the WWJD movement, and it's good to think about what Jesus would do in a given situation, because that will probably make us do better. BUT, Jesus is full of grace and forgiveness, and He knows what it's like for us to struggle. He's not going to expect perfection from us, nor should we expect it from ourselves.

I would hang my hat on a few of the Beatitudes in this case, and give yourself compassion that you are the one being hurt, and your chosen response is acceptable.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

You said you "loath the fact that you ignore them." What is your motivation for ignoring? Is it to be mean and cruel and spite them? I'm guessing not. Is it to protect yourself, your emotional health, your sanity, and your independence as an adult? Probably so. Assuming it's the latter, I think that is perfectly alright. It's not "unchristian" to take care of yourself and protect yourself from further abuse and harm. That's one of the great damaging things that I think has happened in modern Evangelical Christianity, that somehow we're told that we have to lie down and take whatever comes our way in the name of being a Christian. But that is not how Jesus was! He was not a doormat. He stood up for himself against his oppressors. People like to take one or two verses out of context to make the claim we should take anything under the guise of "turning the other cheek", but rather than take one verse out of context, we have to look at the overarching narrative of Scripture (as well as the cultural context where things were said).

One more thing: There WERE times Jesus stayed silent.

Isaiah 42:2 - He will not shout or cry out, or raise his voice in the streets.
Isaiah 53:7 - He did not open his mouth
Acts 8:32 - He did not open his mouth
Matthew 15:23 - Jesus did not answer a word
Matthew 26:63 - Jesus kept silent
Matthew 27:12 - He did not answer.

Again, He was not formulaic, so I'm not saying this is a formula you can follow...but you can't say silence is "unchristian" if Jesus did it himself. But he was silent with intentionality, as you are as well imo .

Blessings on you, AoD. I hope you can give yourself grace and compassion, and remember that He loves you just the way you are.

Great reply user! 

[Associate of Daniel]

Indeed, user. An excellent post.  Thank-you.

I've never been comfortable with the WWJD thing.  That's why I specifically titled the op as What Did Jesus Do?, as I know that He did actually deal with such people.

I guess I'm trying to find a way to be comfortable with my actions around the uNPDs.  I don't know though, if that is an impossible goal.

And really, should we ever be comfortable acting in such a way?

AOD