VLC with uNMIL, she is starting to send greeting cards to my kids regularly

[Breakthrough]

UNMIL is very manipulative and works guilt a lot.  Since my husband is used to this and ignores her, she targeted me for many years. This led to me going VLC.  I can't got NC bc my husband wants a relationship, the only time I talk to her is when I see her in person, they live a 1.5-2 hr flight away so this is not often anymore, thankfully.  She's recently taken to sending cards, which is fine, except I worry she'll start trying to manipulate them.  She still tried to do that to me the last time we saw them.  Kept following me around trying to guilt me into visiting.  I said you need to speak to your son, she kept guilting me, basically saying if he doesn't visit with the kids, it's my fault (not those exact words, but that is what she said, he won't come if you don't organize it, um, tough beans, he's an adult, I didn't say that, just eventually walked away).  I don't have an issue with them spending time with my kids, but I don't want to be around her. That's the part she doesn't quite get.  I don't want to stay in her home because I don't feel welcome or comfortable there.  She's now taken to sending cards, which is fine as long as she's not pulling any manipulative stuff in there.  Husband told me he would read them first but didn't, so this time I did and they are benign, thankfully.  I am going to continue to screen these cards though, I just don't trust her.  One also sprayed some white powder when I opened it, I think the glue was toxic, she buys very cheap things and is proud of this (think lead filled junk from the dollar store for my babies, I like the dollar store but there are things you just don't buy there, baby stuff is one).  I am glad I opened it first, the powder was in the air, I breathed it in and it got it my mouth, tastes bitter.  I don't want my child exposed to this, and I feel a little gross now, but hopefully it's not too bad.  Ugh, I honestly would cut contact with her completely if I could, but VLC has been working well, and I am grateful for this.  I am also grateful I have gotten better at setting boundaries with her and my husband. 

[moglow]

if he doesn't visit with the kids, it's my fault (not those exact words, but that is what she said, he won't come if you don't organize it, um, tough beans, he's an adult

You'd think she'd buy a clue - if her own son isn't visiting etc it's because he chooses not to. Clearly her guilt trips aren't working on him so she's got to try another angle? The "wife's role" is to make this happen? THIS is what happens when the wife is also not interested.   

My mother blames others - me or her daughters in law mainly - when her sons don't make the effort. BIG CLUE: If you're having to manipulate or lie your way into having your sons visit or call, that's on YOU, not them or anyone else!

Breathe - outside. Away from that gunk filled envelope and its contents. This is not your stuff!

[Cat of the Canals]

I think you've got the right idea with screening the cards. I'd do the same, if I had kids. Thankfully, my PDmil generally sticks to flowery lovebombing with her cards.

[Breakthrough]

Mglow, MIL is absolutely clueless.  She isn't very bright, which being coupled with being a narcissist is a terrible combination.  She has started to make some effort, she used to be ordering me around to get her stuff and make her food (when my babies were tiny and I was exhausted), I put up with that for way too long. Now she has it fixed in her head to be helpful in order to get invited back more (her helpfulness as you can imagine is not always that helpful).  This last time she visited it was, she brought 2 meals and they were delicious.  I appreciate that she was trying and thanked her.  I wish she was just a bit brighter, because she just ends up shooting herself in the foot with even her own son, who avoided her most of the visit (dumping his parents on me, which he knows I don't like).  I do think she is a good person in the ways she can be.  She is however very manipulative and not a healthy person for me to be around.  I do ask my husband, hey do you want to go visit them with the kids on your own?  (I don't have the time to do it anymore, I work far too much) But he refuses.  I have taken my kids by myself to family, and he is perfectly capable of doing the same.  He just refuses, and his mom tries to make his refusal somehow my fault, instead of leaving well enough alone.  It really doesn't win her any favour with me, especially since I would probably encourage him to see his parents more or invite them more again if she stopped trying to guilt me, instead she does what she wants and it leaves both of us feeling too busy to bother with her, since she just brings more stress into our life and conflict into our marriage.  I am just glad my husband finally sees after many years just how destructive she was to our relationship, hence the firm boundaries. 

Cat, yes she was just flowery love bombing as well, but I will still screen anything she sends to my kids, because as I mentioned, she doesn't have the best judgement (example being the toxic glue card, yuck).  I am also going to get better at immediately disposing of the garbage toys she brings my kids as soon as she leaves, we are usually dealing with junk from what she brought for months after she leaves.  I used to feel so guilty, but our disaster our house is affecting my mental health, so once we get it sorted, it's never going to allowed to get in that state again.