When the family web is just too toxic

[Mintstripes]

Isn't it a shame when the family "web" is comprised of PDs, flying monkeys, and other bad actors?

In my FOO and extended family, there's literally no one I can really salvage at this point. Years ago, I lost an aunt and uncle (who I previously hoped I could get closer to in adulthood) to the flying monkey brainwashing. They were no longer safe once they proved to me where their loyalties lie (ie: with my parents). They wrote a long email with all the typical FM talking points: "they did their best", "they should be grandparents", "they miss you". Not once did they ask about or consider my perspective or experiences.

Cousins: forget about it. We were never close and I don't trust a single one of them for similar reasons.

I have another set of relatives overseas. They are elderly and we speak every now and then. I think that as they are getting older, they are falling into the flying monkey trap as well. They have made it clear that they think I should reconcile with enabler mother and "let her be a grandmother" (it's always about their wants, isn't it?). I don't discuss the subject with them and talk about neutral and grey rock type things.

Sadly, because of this I have decided not to tell them that I am pregnant with my second child. I know they won't understand or support me for choosing to have a baby on my own. I can just hear it now: "But the poor baby won't have a father! Why would you do this? Why can't you get married again? How will you explain this to your children? WHO's the FATHER?!" (Spoiler: it's a donor and I'm a lesbian but I won't be having those conversations either).

Also, I KNOW that the news of a new baby will intensify their opinions on reconciliation with my mother. Once again, it will be all about her needs and wants, her "right" to be a grandmother, based on their worldview and biases as grandparents themselves.

Part of me feels guilty (hello remnants of the FOG) for hiding my baby. But then I remind myself that I am protecting the family that I have built/am building. Something that was never done for me! I am strong in my resolve.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think such an event can definitely make you start assessing current status of things. It can provide you with reaffirmed clarity on staying the current course, or to redirect. I agree that most of what we tend to hear is how we are to meet the needs of others. They want to be grandparents to your child, they miss you, they want to share in your life, etc. Yes, I bet they do.   
I just do not believe that what other people need of you should be the driver of your actions. When you get to a point where allowing certain people close to you has been hurtful, it is alright to pull back and instill boundaries. It is a healthy step, and especially so when you have impressionable young ones to consider. You get to decide who you allow into your life. Nobody needs to understand it. This is something you do for you. 
I usually think that when you feel safe, secure and calm in your life that it must be a good indicator you are on a healthy path. I am glad to see you are strong in your resolve.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Solidarity, sister. I too have no one left in the FOO. When it all blew up with my parents, everyone was loud and clear concerned about them, not me. As it always has been, but I was gobsmacked by it all at the time.

I too have "hidden" children. They didn't love the first ones, so the youngest certainly aren't missing anything is my thought. When you feel guilty you are thinking about your parents, same as those who would-be flying monkeys. You are responsible for you and your children much more than to your parents. So think about you and kids and it quickly becomes clear, doesn't it? Kids first! Truly, that simple idea has gotten me out of many, many a mess.

Sadly, I am also NC with my ILs, although my DH remains in tenuous vvvlc. I never went NC with the extended family, but they dropped us like a rock rather than not act as go-betweens as we asked. The same people who showered us with baby gifts and congratulations while we remained in the FOG had absolutely nothing to say to us, even on the births of our other children. You may be saving yourself a lot of grief, which can only help you be a good mother.

I hope you have the best possible IRL community as you give birth and for raising your children. Not looking for it where you now know it can't be found is a good start.

[AlisonWonder]

It sure is sad.  I am reconnecting with my extended family and taking stock by email.  So far, it's still a mess. Generally they enthuse and then quickly stop replying.

No-one in your family seems to ask themselves, why would a woman who is at a time of needing support and help with her child  not want to be in touch with her parents?
Do they think you are bad, or mad?    Either way, whining and persuading is a weird response for them to make.  I don't try and persuade my dog to bark, she is right into it all by herself, because she is normal and was raised normal.

I hope something good comes out of this for you.

Isn't it a shame when the family "web" is comprised of PDs, flying monkeys, and other bad actors?

In my FOO and extended family, there's literally no one I can really salvage at this point. Years ago, I lost an aunt and uncle (who I previously hoped I could get closer to in adulthood) to the flying monkey brainwashing. They were no longer safe once they proved to me where their loyalties lie (ie: with my parents). They wrote a long email with all the typical FM talking points: "they did their best", "they should be grandparents", "they miss you". Not once did they ask about or consider my perspective or experiences.

Cousins: forget about it. We were never close and I don't trust a single one of them for similar reasons.

I have another set of relatives overseas. They are elderly and we speak every now and then. I think that as they are getting older, they are falling into the flying monkey trap as well. They have made it clear that they think I should reconcile with enabler mother and "let her be a grandmother" (it's always about their wants, isn't it?). I don't discuss the subject with them and talk about neutral and grey rock type things.

Sadly, because of this I have decided not to tell them that I am pregnant with my second child. I know they won't understand or support me for choosing to have a baby on my own. I can just hear it now: "But the poor baby won't have a father! Why would you do this? Why can't you get married again? How will you explain this to your children? WHO's the FATHER?!" (Spoiler: it's a donor and I'm a lesbian but I won't be having those conversations either).

Also, I KNOW that the news of a new baby will intensify their opinions on reconciliation with my mother. Once again, it will be all about her needs and wants, her "right" to be a grandmother, based on their worldview and biases as grandparents themselves.

Part of me feels guilty (hello remnants of the FOG) for hiding my baby. But then I remind myself that I am protecting the family that I have built/am building. Something that was never done for me! I am strong in my resolve.

[treesgrowslowly]

From what I have read (and lived), it is because they don't / can't / won't stand up to the main abuser / manipulator / PD in the family web. They believe they can still have family things, even in their tangled web of dysfunction and drama and hurt feelings and traumas. Lot's of FM's in my family, and enablers. Just not willing to confront reality. Denial is so powerful. Some people spend their entire life in denial.

Those of us who know better, we free ourselves from the web.

And it is very sad that there are so many families who have a tangled web.

Trees

[bee well]

Yep, Trees, that's just it.

[sandpiper]

It's rough, but you are doing the right thing to protect your child.
Just a word from the wise, I got burned as a child by the horror of 'grandparents rights' so do your legal homework and make sure that wherever you choose to raise your family, it's not in a state where your PD parents can demand court-ordered access. If I could travel back in time and warn my father about that it would be 'Get the hell out of dodge before they serve the papers.'

[Srcyu]

That is it all in a nutshell - they do not consider our perspective or experiences.
They just don't,
Your sentence has hit me smack in face. I've never known it to be put so simply.

I have relatives living literally on the other side of the world. We visited that country once and didn't bother looking for a bunch of relative strangers.

[JustKat]

Hi Mintstripes,

Yep! I'm in the same place. My Nmother and father are both gone now, but they managed to turn everyone against me before they died. As you said, there are no relationships that can be salvaged at this point.

It's a weird place to be, living a life without family because they're all too toxic or too risky to make contact with. I've actually lied to doctors who have asked for my family medical history. I don't know how to tell them that I don't know my own family's health history, so I lie and tell them I was adopted.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I completely understand your decision to keep it a secret. I never had children myself, but when I was thinking about it I spent a lot of time talking to my therapist. She told me if I did decide to get pregnant it would be wise to keep my child away from my FOO. She strongly advised me to keep a potential pregnancy a secret, so I totally understand your decision to do exactly that. You're doing what your own mother wouldn't do for you. You're loving and caring for your children and taking the necessary steps to keep them safe.

[Jolie40]

Congratulations on your baby! 

this is a joyous time so have fun shopping & preparing for the little one