Trauma bonded

[Pepin]

I am finally able to admit today that I am trauma bonded with my husband.  Obviously I've been in denial for years about it - while pointing my finger exclusively at CN MIL who finally passed earlier this year.  From the time CN MIL was actively in our lives after we moved closer to her, DH changed into a man I didn't know anymore.  As the years waned on, I desperately kept hoping that DH would see the dysfunction and snap out of it.  He became more enmeshed and any discussion about CN MIL was promptly and angrily shut down.  He didn't want my advice; he didn't like my boundaries and took offense to many of them.  This is a man who pledged himself to me to become a married unit.  He made it clear that I was his priority.

I've posted a lot over the years why it is that I stayed in my marriage.  For the kids.  Because if I didn't, then they be subject more to CN MIL.  Over time they grew wary of her and didn't let her get close -- because they saw how CN MIL was taking their father away from them and me. 

I am trying to be patient with DH...he was technically abused, too.  He was abused the most actually of all his siblings.  It is twisted that he doesn't see it because he feels that financially inheriting was the reward.     And I get it.  Because he grew up poor and money means everything -- and is another trauma in itself.  *sigh*  But....there are so many things wrong with this.

Some days I feel like we are making progress....and other days I feel hurt and confused again.  I worry all the time that DH is not being honest with me.  He is skilled at twisting the truth....which he did often for his mother when making excuses for her. 

I miss the man I married.  That man wasn't a liar as far as I knew.  Or maybe I missed that. I am sorry that I could not stand in solidarity with him with regards to his mother and how she wanted things.  I am sure he feels burned about that.  And I feel burned that he promised me that I was his #1 and that nothing would get in the way.....and it did.  I don't know why I keep hoping that he will understand the dysfunction and apologize....I keep hoping that each day he will maybe figure it out.  Sometimes I just want to yell out loud, what happened to us?  What did I do to push you away?  Why don't you love me like you used to...

I remember a while back someone telling me that the fact that DH sleeps under the same roof and share a home with me is an indication that he chooses me.  I cannot agree.  When we would get together with CN MIL - anywhere, even our home -- I suddenly became invisible.  It was as if I didn't exist.....that is how powerful CN MIL was over DH.  He thought about and worried about her all the time. 

Don't know what the time table on all of this is after the death of a narcissist....and while I am generally doing better in some areas, I am still struggling. 

[notrightinthehead]

Pepin, if I remember correctly, you came from a dysfunctional family. Maybe your red flag detector was not working well and your husband was always what he is now. He was just love bombing you in the early courtship.
You clearly love him and maybe you are and have been gaslighting yourself to be able to remain in this marriage. I urge you to remove your focus from others and get to know yourself. Reflect more on your own behaviour, thoughts, feelings. If you start your own healing work, maybe your marriage will change too.

[bloomie]

Pepin - I hear the hurt and confusion in your post. The sense of betrayal and possible fear to hope anything will change or that your DH will see the damage his choices are/have done to the once strong and loving connection you shared. I am so sorry.

It is interesting that you bring up bonding. Recently, my own DH and I started working through a book that was recommended here. It is called Attached. And it explores adult attachment styles. Even if it is just you who may want to better understand your own and your H's attachment style, learning and understanding why my own and my H's way of attaching has made some of my own behaviors and his make a bit more sense.

We have a great book review of this that may further explain the value of it and it is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=75348.msg658389#msg658389

Another thing I have started doing is a daily writing exercise that I learned about from The Crappy Childhood Fairy that takes me through my fears and my resentments. Free resource is found here: https://courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/daily-practice

I find all of  The Crappy Childhood Fairy's vids to be really helpful, compassionate, practical, and valuable. It is a way, as notrightinthehead suggested, to spend some time working through this for yourself and sweeping the floors of those fears you are living with so that you can truly heal and see what is going on and what you want for yourself.

Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairy

I am thankful you keep sharing. Sending you strength!!

[escapingman]

I can relate Pepin.

I used to blame my uNPDmil for everything, she was responsible for a lot, but I also let her take the blame for my uNPDstbxw behaviour. I can see it now when looking back, I desperately wanted it to be MIL that was the problem. When uNPDstbxw and uNPDmil fell out and I was left with uNPDstbxw on my own I could not pretend anymore. After years I eventually let go and I am now going through a divorce. The sickening thing is that uNPDstbxw has now moved back in with uNPDmil.

It's all in our minds Pepin, we see what we want to see. But we need to see the truth. It hurts. But we have to.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to much of what you have written.

I eventually came to recognize that the man I married was in part a false identity that my pdh had presented to me.  I realized that the deep love we shared was on his part him reflecting narcissistic self love at being loved by me.  Having my attention and being the desire of my heart and love gave him great self love that he reflected.  Alot of the love bombing was the result of him wanting more of a powerful drug.

I understand that I was also acting largely due to my own brain chemistry.  The difference is the fact that I loved him specifically and that I could have been replaced easily. 

My H was an A#1 momma's boy. She was a grandious Narc.  When she passed he seemed to take it better than I ever thought possible.  Over time I realized how much he was changing and it turns out that part of his "character"was an act he put on for his mother.  Without her to try to please by being a "good boy" he seems not to have such a decent core character after all. 

I have found that he lied to me for decades on important topics even.  He later broke our trust on financial things and sold my kids belongings to buy things he thought we should own instead.  I had to take guardianship of him just to protect our assets and to keep him from being taken advantage of. 

I am not sore I am bonded in any given way to him anymore.  I see after him but am no longer connected as a wife and partner.  He is a ward. 

Those mommy traumas can run deep, very deep.  That you had to put up boundaries and they caused him to choose her is very familiar.

[Pepin]

Pepin, if I remember correctly, you came from a dysfunctional family. Maybe your red flag detector was not working well and your husband was always what he is now. He was just love bombing you in the early courtship.
You clearly love him and maybe you are and have been gaslighting yourself to be able to remain in this marriage. I urge you to remove your focus from others and get to know yourself. Reflect more on your own behaviour, thoughts, feelings. If you start your own healing work, maybe your marriage will change too.

This is entirely possible...that I missed some red flags.  I'm just still very confused because he was clearly in my camp when we married.  There were a few times in the beginning when his parents flat out ignored me (outrageously immature) in the company of other people -- but DH apologized for that and made it clear to his parents that he didn't approve of their behavior.  It may have been because they were hoping he would drop me and move on....but he of course did not.  He stood his ground.  Looking back, our relationship was tight.  The only thing I can think of is that we met when DH was living far from home.  He flew across the country for college, grad school and then work (when we met) against his parents wishes -- I mean, how were they going to survive without him?!  He was gone for many years and clearly they were ok.  Moving closer to them after meeting and marrying me perhaps triggered the pre college situation of parentification.  I couldn't have seen that as I was not in his life before he left for college.  And little by little, with the chaos of married life and kids, he just slipped back into being their caregiver again.  I don't know how else to explain it to myself...I feel that he wanted for them what he had for himself, me and our kids -- but it was too much to juggle and someone had to pay the price.....that would be me and our children.  He paid as well...when it got too deep.  His mother clearly drowned him and it is obvious now how my husband clearly lacks a sense of self.  It makes me very sad...this wasn't the man I dated and married and I miss that man so, so much.  I wish our adult children could see what I initially saw in my husband.  All they see is a man who succumbed to his mother and held his wife at arms length. 

[Pepin]

Pepin - I hear the hurt and confusion in your post. The sense of betrayal and possible fear to hope anything will change or that your DH will see the damage his choices are/have done to the once strong and loving connection you shared. I am so sorry.

It is interesting that you bring up bonding. Recently, my own DH and I started working through a book that was recommended here. It is called Attached. And it explores adult attachment styles. Even if it is just you who may want to better understand your own and your H's attachment style, learning and understanding why my own and my H's way of attaching has made some of my own behaviors and his make a bit more sense.

We have a great book review of this that may further explain the value of it and it is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=75348.msg658389#msg658389

Another thing I have started doing is a daily writing exercise that I learned about from The Crappy Childhood Fairy that takes me through my fears and my resentments. Free resource is found here: https://courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/daily-practice

I find all of  The Crappy Childhood Fairy's vids to be really helpful, compassionate, practical, and valuable. It is a way, as notrightinthehead suggested, to spend some time working through this for yourself and sweeping the floors of those fears you are living with so that you can truly heal and see what is going on and what you want for yourself.

Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairy

I am thankful you keep sharing. Sending you strength!!

I will look into that book.  And yes, I follow The Crappy Childhood Fairy -- actually just the other day listened to a podcast and was massively triggered and had to stop.  I wish I could get DH to listen to her.  It was actually during one of her podcasts with Patrick Teahan where I finally understood that DH also suffers from CPTSD.  We both have CPTSD.  Patrick is absolutely amazing....also wish DH could listen to all his podcasts and Tik Toks.  But I know DH is not in that head space yet....and I can already predict all the excuses that he will conjure up to defend himself as to why he behaved the way that he did for the last number of years.  He just loves to makes excuses for CN MIL as if she is a helpless waif - which technically, she was or at least that was the game she played because he also said that she used to be so sharp!  I seriously thought it was some sort of cognitive aging thing going on but heck no....she knew exactly what she was doing.  Her passing and the way she handled her estate said it all.  But the fact that DH complied with her end of life wishes.....that is where I am extremely upset.  Just shaking my head....

[Pepin]

I can relate Pepin.

I used to blame my uNPDmil for everything, she was responsible for a lot, but I also let her take the blame for my uNPDstbxw behaviour. I can see it now when looking back, I desperately wanted it to be MIL that was the problem. When uNPDstbxw and uNPDmil fell out and I was left with uNPDstbxw on my own I could not pretend anymore. After years I eventually let go and I am now going through a divorce. The sickening thing is that uNPDstbxw has now moved back in with uNPDmil.

It's all in our minds Pepin, we see what we want to see. But we need to see the truth. It hurts. But we have to.

I totally get what you are saying.  And that's the thing that really has me standing upside down...my DH has not taken any responsibility for his own behavior in all of this.  He blamed and excused her, too.  I just don't get it.  I feel like he did nearly a complete 180 of who he used to be.  And then I'm wondering, why the h*** did he ask me to marry him then?  Well, that's unfair considering that he probably had no idea things would end up like they have.  Doesn't seem to have any remorse yet....worries me that he is perhaps incapable of self reflection?  No doubt that if I had stepped out of the marriage that he would live under the same roof as mommy dearest.  Or would he?  Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud at the moment with that last bit...  If he lived with his mom, his friends would never let him hear the end of it.  That would be embarrassing, not heroic.  So why was it so important that he play super hero to her while living with me?  How could he not see how I would react to that?  How is that honoring one's marriage?  How is that being a husband and father?  I seriously feel like sometimes he is hiding something from me about her or his family.  I have no idea what it could be.  Its been terribly quiet since she died....no mention at all.  Don't most people talk about a loved one that has passed?  Not if it was a CN that destroyed a whole family with her awful behavior.  They didn't see it-- but they all played their parts well, exactly the way she wanted them to.     

[Pepin]

The difference is the fact that I loved him specifically and that I could have been replaced easily. 

My H was an A#1 momma's boy. She was a grandious Narc.  When she passed he seemed to take it better than I ever thought possible.  Over time I realized how much he was changing and it turns out that part of his "character"was an act he put on for his mother.  Without her to try to please by being a "good boy" he seems not to have such a decent core character after all. 

I have found that he lied to me for decades on important topics even. 

*sigh* I often felt replaceable.  But.  Then I realized that that was silly...because CN MIL could NOT do all the things that I do.  In the grand scheme of things, she had no leg up on me other than that she birthed a son, my husband.  Every category, I surpass her.  The only area where she wins is by being a cruel and calculating human being.  Too much to list....but the way I care for our home, the yard, our children, what we eat and how we eat, being present, just in general caring about people around us and those that we engage with -- these are all things that I am greatly proud of that I do that she struggled/refused to do.  His mother could never do what I bring to the table - and I know she loathed me for that. 

I worry about DH and his reaction to her death.  He told me that he had already prepared himself and was ok when it happened.  Took a bunch of trips with friends and basically has been pretty chill....but also annoying as hell, too.  Seems to have some kind of comprehension issue or something and I wonder if it is because he was so used to juggling her and all of her stuff.  We've been doing more things together -- kind of like how we should have been doing all along!  But yeah, back then, weekends were CN MIL time, not family and wifey time.  He's also been a bit clingy and that honestly is causing me to grind my teeth because he is always in my way.  I've gotten used to just doing things on my own without him and now I have to find some kind of middle ground.  And....he asks lots of dumb questions-- kind of like his mother used to do.  Like, he knows the answer but just wants to hear himself talk.  And I have to take a deep breath and be calm when I reply when inside I want to scream.

As I pondered in an earlier reply, I am worried that DH has been and is being dishonest with me.  I don't know what it is....something about his past/family.  I also sense that he is not being truthful about some of the things he does that I don't know about --- but see, I actually do know about some things that he does and he doesn't know that I know....  I can't quite come out with that yet but all I can say is that it is behavior that is directly related to being a mother enmeshed son.  And that is highly unsettling to me.....and a possible red flag that my younger self dating DH, overlooked.  And that is where I am stuck.....because it's just bad.    He claims that he lives with integrity and I'm like nah.....that's a flat out lie.  He was a willing participant to being used by CN MIL like a pawn to bust up his FOO.     

[notrightinthehead]

Pepin, if you read your posts above again you might find that they're all about him and his mother and more about him and his mother and again husband and MIL and the many ways they have not met your expectations. Could it be that you believe that if only he would change you would be happy? You have been on this forum long enough to know that this is a fallacy.  You have watched YouTube videos, you mentioned the crappy childhood fairy.  She repeatedly states that looking at others for change/salvation keeps you stuck in the victim role and prevents healing. The only person you can change is you. The only person who needs to change is you, because the others are taking care of themselves and they seem to be content. When will you begin to be kind to yourself and give yourself at least as much attention as you give to them? When will you begin to make Pepin the most important person in your life?