Worst boundary crossed?

[bee well]

Mnnn..That's a hard one. So many boundaries broken. One that comes to mind is MIL going into my suitcase. Opening the door to the guestroom without knocking. Looking into the room when we were sleeping at night..:I won't get started on my FOO.

[Spring Butterfly]

But I just know that all manner of FOG will be unleashed if I try not to stay over at my mother's house for the annual visit she demands (husband is never invited to that) and so far have not had the guts to set the boundary. She only lives half an hour away so it is perfectly reasonable for me not to stay the night.

Exactly - this is what FOG is designed to do, it's a no win situation. We choose to sacrifice ourself on the alter of their ego or we choose to have venom spewed on top of every hoover in the book. It's a tough choice we make every single time. Every time we choose we choose them or us.

(husband is never invited to that)

this became unacceptable for both sets of family. If in-laws couldn't be nice to me, DH said they wouldn't see him. I had stopped going for years and we decided to unite. They were all too happy to have him without me and I was left alone. For my family DH and I agreed the moment uPDm or EnF crossed our stated wishes I would state the interaction was over as DH walked away. A few times what this looked like was just me walking away from them. My freeze response often leaves me speechless so I just walk away. It's good enough.

Thank you for mentioning it - and it is interesting that your family made a fuss about that one.

fuss is putting is mildly

We had to take a hard look at things. Letting both sets of parents step between us nearly cost us our marriage countless times. We chose us.

Others who are stuck in their own wounding will heal in their own time if they choose. In the meantime, I am here to live my own life, not to live what others dictate to me.

[escapingman]

What I have learned about boundaries, thanks in part to this wonderful support community, is that a real boundary is fully within our control.

As children we didn't have the choices we have now. I'm not talking about situations where human rights have been stripped or one is physically overpowered. I'm talking about normal everyday life, our life in the FOG, our life interacting with people who attempt to cross boundaries.

In reality we have free will and choose. FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) is designed to take away our perception of having a choice. You have complete control.

A boundary is not a rule. A boundary is action we decide to take when our wishes and preferences are not honored. A real boundary is rock solid and cannot be crossed because we take the action we have stated we would take.

Before you scoff, I grew up with zero boundaries. I lived in fear of setting a boundary. My whole being was programmed to avoid conflict.

Real boundaries sound like
"if you want to continue on this topic I'll have to end this conversation"
"if you want to listen to the music that loud I'll be leaving to go for a walk"
"I'd rather not talk about it"
"I won't be staying over your house for our visit" (we did this multiple times with family, no they didn't like it, yes they created LOTS of FOG, we went home)
"we will meet you at the restaurant and will not be driving together this time"
"we will pay for our own meal or else we will decline the invitation"
and the list goes on and on.

There is no way someone cannot honor a real boundary because it is simply a statement of action we take and choices we make. I reached a point where I didn't care anymore about how much chaos and drama my statements created. That point came when I hit a wall so hard it nearly cost my life. I realized as I recovered it was my life or theirs and I was far enough into my life to start living my own life and ignore the FOG.

Please know I share this from the depths of my heart and soul. Please check the toolbox topic on boundaries and medium chill. Do not give in to Fear Obligation or Guilt. Choose to live your life. That is how we get Out of the FOG - we are no longer controlled by Fear Obligation Guilt.

This is an amazing piece of text, thanks for sharing.

I never had any boundaries with my FOO so they walked all over me. Now I have boundaries with them and we keep falling out as they don't respect them.

[JustKat]

Wow, it sounds like the bathroom boundary violations affected most of us. When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to ever lock the bathroom door. As a teen, I started locking it because I was at an age where I wanted privacy. Nmother claimed that I was locking the door because I was doing drugs in there and insisted that it always remain unlocked. Sometimes I'd be on the toilet and would hear the doorknob turning, her checking to make sure it was unlocked. If I did lock the door she'd pound on it and scream at me, demanding to know what I was "up to."

The other boundary violation that really affected me was my mother reading the diary I kept as a teenager. I had one of those diaries with a little lock on it, never realising how easy it was to pick that lock. One day she mentioned something that I had written in my diary so I suspected she was reading it. The next day I wrote a fake entry about a fake friend using a fake name. A few days later, she mentioned the friend by name, and I knew she had been reading the diary. After that I realised I had zero privacy in my life. There was nothing that I could hide from her. I was afraid to even keep things in my school locker because I knew she could call the school and have them search it.

When I got my first apartment I felt like I was in heaven. I was so poor and my apartment was a dump, but no one was going through my possessions. No one was watching me bathe. I had this tiny little studio apartment with filthy carpet and no working appliances and thought I was the luckiest woman on earth.

[littlelimabean]

When I was younger, all the things I loved would go missing or would be deformed.

Like my accounts might be deleted out of nowhere. My art projects would be thrown away. Or my teddy bears would go missing or their eyes would be gouged out.

However, there was one instance where six years of diary entries went missing. They were all thrown away.

I found out my mother did all those things.

She would sign me up for things I didn't consent to as well.

[Liketheducks]

Reading my diary as a teen.   She claimed it "fell" open.   It did not.   She read through its entirety.

Run of the mill cyber stalking on social media.   Occasionally, I'll get a flying monkey message from someone who needs to let me know that they can't stand the way I look happy on Facebook when I've treated my mother so badly..... I have to block these folks.

But, in the last few weeks, she also joined Strava.   Strava is a social media site for athletes to log workouts and receive kudos from other athletes.....miles completed, routes where you've earned a personal record, etc.   I'm a triathlete.   I do Ironman races.   Strava??   This is a very NICHE site.   My mom is a 74 yr chain smoker who does not exercise.   She visited her home town and a mutual friend who IS an athlete must have told her about it.   Luckily, I locked that down long ago so she can't see anything I do.   But, really??    Strava?     

[BuzzyBee]

This post brings up alot for me, as my privacy was often violated during bathing... I also was not allowed to shut my door to my room, I was told I needed to be watched at all times. Hand written notes in my school years that I received (didn't write) were sifted through and used against me as "evidence" I was hanging out with the wrong crowd and totally taken out of context (like movie quotes she thought were real). I was thrown out of the house for miniscule things like this repeatedly while GC brother never was. She took great pleasure in discarding me to my dad. I felt emptier each time. They passed me back and forth in my teen years, because neither could be a parent. They made it abundantly clear that I was barely tolerated, not loved. I could not speak up for myself, they all were against me. It was difficult... I look back and realize how horrible it was and how strong I had to be to go through what I did. I think we all are and it's incredibly brave to share these things.

[Jolie40]

when child was young, I rarely got a sitter
however, one time husband was out of town & I needed a break/needed to get groceries, etc

so wouldn't you know that same day is when PD parent decides to stop by unannounced
according to sitter, PD parent banged on the door & windows, hollering "I want to see grandkid"
she wouldn't let up & sitter opened door & let her in

by the way, she never told me she came over when sitter was here
then years later, she said "I would never come over uninvited!"

she didn't know that I knew