Fear of alienation is crippling / coping with PD normal public persona

[rockandhardplace]

I've just come back from a trip with UPDh and our 3 kids and his whole family. We still live in the same house, shared finances, together to the outside world. We've slept in separate bedrooms for years and literally only speak to each other when absolutely necessary. I went on the trip as I didn't feel comfortable with him taking my 3 kids out of the country without me. During the trip his family were normal / friendly to me. His mum knows and his sil but I don't know what others know. I guess noone would comment on someone elses relationship issues? Everyone acted like everything was normal. I was included in family outings, photos etc. It actually made me feel more sad - there are some issues with many of them, but my family live so far away and my parents are in bad health. This was the first time we'd seen family on either side since 2019. So it made me feel sad seeing the happy families / couples together in contrast to my insanely dysfunctional one, mad that his family are all so healthy and he got to see them when I've not seen mine in longer and weirdly sad cus I like some of them and yet this has to be the last time we are all together.

Of course UPDh was putting on the normal person act. His mask slips occasionally with him losing patience with his brother or shouting at his mum. But I think they all see this as just the way he is and I should just shut up and put up. Some of them do know a bit about the extent of the verbal and emotional abuse (his mum, sil), but it again demonstrates how for some PD's their abusive behaviour is only experienced by a small number of people. Maybe a spouse or kids. Will he transfer this to my kids when I leave him?? But the things you read about their jeklyl and hyde personality is so true. People just think he's a nice guy. Sometimes aggressive in his opinions, but friendly, helpful and dedicated to his children. They see the mask. The facade he portrays. The only reason he wanted me to go on that trip was to keep up the facade of us being a normal family. When we'd arrange to meet up, his family would be really relaxed about time - come over about 9... little did they see him shouting at us to be ready in time to get there at exactly 9 or whatever. I wonder did anyone notice that I was never included in any decision-making about where to go / things to do etc?i wonder did my kids notice that when I'm around other people I'm spoken to, I have things to say, I'm listened to? I had to miss one of the early outings as I was jetlagged and didn't wake up early enough and was last into the bathroom. So he just packed them up into the car and I made an excuse not to go rather than him going ballistic waiting for me. I wonder did my kids notice that? I'm thinking not. They have grown up with him belittling me and denigrating me and me going along with things to avoid being abused.
So now this trip is over I have to follow through on my plan to leave him. I can't bare being around him. I hate that my children are growing up not knowing how dysfunctional this situation is. But I am so scared he will manage to alienate them from me. He caused major issues between me and my eldest. There is so much work to repair our relationship. If I stay I could work on that but she could then reject me anyways for not leaving sooner, or just go off to college somewhere far away and let him buy her and believe his lies about what happened. And now my son is hot/cold towards me. On the trip he was back to his old happy self and I think that was in part by seeing other people treat me like a human being not an annoyance. He's 14. Such a vulnerable age. He likes his technology and could be bought. I was a stay-at-home parent and now finishing off a new degree I won't have anything like the funds his dad has.
Not sure point of this post, just feeling as stuck now as I did before the trip. I love my kids so much. I think I could actually live like this to keep them around if I didn't know that growing up like this is so damaging to them. between a rock and a hard place. That's me.

[notrightinthehead]

I wonder if all this worry helps you to improve your life. You have chosen a path for yourself. You have sacrificed your time and energy on bringing up your kids. You put your own life on hold for their benefit. Now that they need you less, you have chosen to make a life for yourself again. In a few years they will start their own lives, and they will not need much of your input anymore. They probably will be happy if you have made a good life for yourself and they don't have to worry about you.
I wonder if all this worry about alienation keeps you from following your chosen path with all your energy and dedication. You clearly love your children. You probably show them that you love them. You probably treat them with kindness. Now you can show them that you are a person who takes care of her own life, works for what she wants, and respects herself and earns respect through her achievements.

[bat123]

Hi, Rock!  I'm in a very similar situation.  My uNPD spouse can be very charming, charismatic, and engaging.  People might think he's a bit opinionated or bossy at times, but most people like him.  Most people would be shocked if they knew how abusive he can be at home, mostly toward me.  I've been thinking of leaving for a while now.  I have three kids, two are grown and the youngest still in high school.  It tears me up inside to think of splitting our family up.  I'm realizing now how tied up my identity is with this idea of a strong family unit.  My husband can degrade me terribly, but yet we still put on our happy faces and go on a family trip or to a dinner with friends.  We travel a lot, and go to a lot of events.    I find myself thinking that I just have to get through one more trip or obligation, and then I will leave.  But it's so hard.

[Kat54]

Rockandhardplace, You are describing exactly my ex. Charming, everyone loved him. I was even told how lucky I was to have someone as nice as him. Jeckyl and Hyde for sure, I used to say to myself. Completely different guy after he walked into the door. Dinner was always very tension filled, him yelling at me or the kids. He said that's how he got his point across. Very controlling. 

You know what, I waited a bit also, worried about my kids and splitting up our family. Daughter was a senior in college and son was home working for his dad when I finally got up the courage after 4 years of trying to leave.

Your kids are way more in tune than you think. My son was upset but understood and even said that we have been miserable the last few years, he could plainly see.
My biggest guilt is maybe I should of left sooner to spare them the abuse they also endured. He was more physical with them. Not hitting but more arm twisting, hair pulling. Not to make it sound any better. The last straw was when he got into a physical confrontation with our son. It was a rolling on the floor brawl... over a hat he didn't want him to wear. His father didn't like it and wanted him to wear something different.
Son left with his girlfriend, who by the way was so freaked out. The next day he returns wearing the hat his father wanted him to wear, controlling him. It broke my heart.

So the scars are already there by the time I left. What I'm saying is, you have to pick which scar will be worse. Leaving when they are young and impressionable or staying and seeing the abuse. I wish I left sooner when they were young. My biggest regret for sure. Daughter has no self esteem and I worry about her getting into a relationship that will be abusive. My son is a good young man but he has maybe fleas, not his fathers anger but can be verbally abusive at times. I think though my influence has made them rise above what they saw and went through. Time will tell and I'll always be supportive. That's all you can do.

Stay strong and Good luck to you.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I completely understand how you feel. 

In my experience, the fear of "alienation" will never go away, even if you stay.  As you and your children get older, your relationships with them will evolve - maybe for the better, maybe not. 

All you can do is be the best parent you can - I try not to make decision based on fear, but it's hard.

For me, I believe that I have a more authentic relationship with my son since we moved out.  It's very difficult, but I can be the parent I want to be now.  Before, his father treated parenting like a competition - who disciplined better, was more fun, etc....  stressful.

I am struggling with parenting right now - but it's my struggle.  I'm making mistakes (yup, I think I cross the line at times about sharing what I expect from his PD dad) but I am enjoying doing it all my own way now.