Inside a black hole

[escapingman]

I felt quite strong after watching the Richard Grannon videos, so decided to listen to a couple of the recordings to see if I could find anything to use. I did, which might be helpful in proving parental alienation. But the more important thing, I felt OK listening to it. It validated everything I am doing and that I am not the crazy one, STBX is. In one of the clips STBX shouted at me and the kids, then slammed the door and went out. I instinctively looked out to watch her walk off, but she wasn't there, it was a recording. I just calmed down and thought, she is not there anymore. You are safe. And now I feel so incredible calm.

[hhaw]

The calm comes and goes, EM.

It's the same with the anxiety....... eventually it eases up and focus returns.  You do what you can to improve your case and move toward the exit door.

Trust you're doing your best and it will be good enough.

[escapingman]

Just realised, I must have recorded almost my entire life with STBX and the kids for the last 2 years. That could be used as a hell of a study of Narc behaviour. With all this material, where I don't need to rely on memory I can share my story when all this is over. Obviously not sharing the recordings but the transcripts.

[escapingman]

Continuing working on myself and looking back, I can see why I ended up like I did. My parents never paid any interest in me or what I was up to, I was never praised nor reprimanded. I really was on my own emotionally, I had a stable home with food and clothes, but no giving me structures or feedback. I remember when I was around 18, I was studying electronics and signals, one of the courses was installing a satellite dish and connect it and program everything. One day I came home from school and I found a satellite dish on the wall of the house as my parents had gone down the shop and just bought one off the shelf. Another example is that we built a computer from scratch in another course, when they decided they wanted a computer they went down to the shop and bought the previous version and so paid over the odds for dated technology, but again no idea or care for that I was an expert in the area. This hurt me a lot. After this I moved away for uni and never told them anything again.

[escapingman]

Just need to add to my previous post. I was always reprimanded if upsetting my mother, when a child she just outright shout at me. As an adult she goes into a sullen silence showing her discust towards me.

[SonofThunder]

Continuing working on myself and looking back, I can see why I ended up like I did. My parents never paid any interest in me or what I was up to, I was never praised nor reprimanded. I really was on my own emotionally, I had a stable home with food and clothes, but no giving me structures or feedback. I remember when I was around 18, I was studying electronics and signals, one of the courses was installing a satellite dish and connect it and program everything. One day I came home from school and I found a satellite dish on the wall of the house as my parents had gone down the shop and just bought one off the shelf. Another example is that we built a computer from scratch in another course, when they decided they wanted a computer they went down to the shop and bought the previous version and so paid over the odds for dated technology, but again no idea or care for that I was an expert in the area. This hurt me a lot. After this I moved away for uni and never told them anything again.

I am so sorry you were treated that way.  You mention being the invisible child, and in a way, your parents going out of their way to directly go around your knowledge and advice (sat-dish and cpu) is similar to the experience of the IDD's 'discard' stage, which is a very intentional and noticeable invisibleness. That must have been quite an emotional trigger of your youthful experiences, to go through the discard stage with your stbx.

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks SoT, there are so many flashbacks from the past coming up now when I am starting to heal. The thing is that had I not met STBX or someone like her I would still be in the FOG with my FOO, she must have been sent to wake me up - although it took almost 20 years.

[JustKeepTrying]

Flashbacks are hard as hell.  They come out of nowhere and they are sneaky and IMO the nighttime is worst - that time before sleep when your brain spins.

I hope that you have a T and they have a background in trauma and PTSD.

There are many tools to work your way through this - for me, I journal nightly but I do it differently - I do a total brain dump where I don't self monitor what I write.  It really helps purge as well as make connections that I didn't see before.

Find something that works for you - even it's just posting here - and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We got you!

[SonofThunder]

Thanks SoT, there are so many flashbacks from the past coming up now when I am starting to heal. The thing is that had I not met STBX or someone like her I would still be in the FOG with my FOO, she must have been sent to wake me up - although it took almost 20 years.

Same. Therefore although it has was so many decades of emotional abuse, being Out of the FOG regarding my uPDstbx, my FOO and my own contributing caretaking nature, is marvelous to fully understand and therefore move forward.

SoT

[escapingman]

The more I am looking at myself in the mirror the more I can see what has been wrong all my life. My FOO has really held me back and conditioned me to never put myself and my needs first. Even now going through this horrible split with STBX they show displeasure with me for not doing as they want. I live in Europe, the furthest away from here is New Zeeland, I almost feel an urge to move there just to get as far away from both STBX and her family and my FOO. If it wouldn't for the children I would already be on my way (obviously not possible with work permits, VISA etc but you get my point).

I need to break free from these chains.

[JustKeepTrying]

EM

I sympathize with that sentiment of breaking free on an almost cellular level.  Like a compulsion to run as far and as fast as I can.

That's all trauma and a normal response.

Learn to ground yourself - look it up - and learn to be in the moment if only for a fraction of time - it really helps pull me back - meditation and grounding techniques keep me from loosing it.  I stand in the grass - use all my senses to feel the world around you - and I do this for a couple of minutes - and it helps keep me grounded in the present.

[SonofThunder]

EM

I sympathize with that sentiment of breaking free on an almost cellular level.  Like a compulsion to run as far and as fast as I can.

That's all trauma and a normal response.

Learn to ground yourself - look it up - and learn to be in the moment if only for a fraction of time - it really helps pull me back - meditation and grounding techniques keep me from loosing it.  I stand in the grass - use all my senses to feel the world around you - and I do this for a couple of minutes - and it helps keep me grounded in the present.

EM,

I will suggest that unless you can successfully go full NC, 24/7 from your FOO, from where you live now, it wont matter where in the world you live. 

Therefore if you ever desire to go full NC, practice and successfully manage that from your current location.  Once you have mastered the full NC (as they will try and pry that door open from any possible method), then you can choose a destination not based on the FOO's proximity to your location, but from where in the world you want to live...for YOU.  They should be a zero factor in that equation. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks JKT and SoT,

Of course you are right, I suppose the problem if I lived in NZ would be that they would come and stay and expect even more hospitality and caretaking.

I don't think I am ready mentally to go NC with them, but I have maintained low contact, maybe very low contact is my desired goal. It generally works out better when they come to me and are one at a time, but when I go back to home town it all falls apart with me expecting to please and see everyone including extended family I have zero contact with normally. It's like I am carted round like a rare animal that they need to show and say "Look who is home". Huh, gives me shivers. At least STBX opened my eyes about this and taught me to stand up against them, that is something I will forever be grateful to her for.

[mary_poppins]

escaping man,

If it makes you feel better, we are all into a black hole. We all here need to grieve the horrible childhoods we had being raised by unsafe people. When you say, black hole, for me it means 'depression'. I was thinking lately how deep my depression must be that even a simple act of quitting coffee can make me not want to wake up in the morning because life's too hard.

Facing the reality is incredibly HARD. Not many people on this planet can face their pain. Why do you think the alcohol/beverage business is doing so well? Ha ha. People live off their addictions and if you tell me there are some out there without being addicted to something, I won't believe you.
Everyone I have ever known had some form of addiction or compulsion. And that's because life is hard and facing the truth sucks.

But as I said in a previous reply to you, it gets much easier in physical or virtual (depends where u live) support groups. Meeting these people every week and exchanging opinions, thoughts and doing the much needed 'verbal ventilation' like Pete Walker talked about in his book is important to recovery. Community helps you recover (this forum is also fantastic, it has saved my ass several times), being alone doesn't.

And take one day at a time. If facing the truth hurts today, try again tomorrow. Do it slowly, write about it in your journal. I have over 20 notebooks with notes about how horrible my mother is and how much I hate her. Pete Walker said until you face your true feelings for your parents (or those who abused you), there is little hope for recovery. I really like to 'punish' my mother by inventing all kind of bad words for her and writing them down in my journal. She is a monster, a gargoyle, a dragon with 5 heads, a pathetic ghost, a witch, a demon and so on. I enjoy writing this way about her because it truly fits her. Indeed, my mother has no human qualities. She has zero empathy and compassion. It is frightening but that's how it is.

[mary_poppins]

BTW, what does STBX mean?

[escapingman]

mary poppins, thanks for your post.

First, STBX means Soon To Be X although she is already an Ex but not in legal terms as the divorce is not final.

I never realised my FOO (family of origin) was bad until very recently, I always felt it was off but never accepted it. This thing with realising my FOO is toxic at the same time as getting free from STBX has knocked me for six. I have kind of being in the middle between them and now I am dropping both sides and now I am alone. I have had my share fair of addictions, I will share this when I am ready for it, but I know why.

Thanks Mary for replying, it means a lot.

[JustKeepTrying]

As I go through therapy, I have begun to make connections from childhood to today - what has informed my choices and started the trauma.  My sister is definately a narc; my brother abusive and my father absent and my mom barely coping. 

It all sucks.

That realization that this family I thought was a solid catholic one was the hardest dream to lose.  Almost as hard as the realization that I had a great marriage.

I was in a very dark hole very recently, and it has taken every ounce of my being to pull myself out, with lots and lots of help.

You are reaching out - connecting with us here - and asking for help - advice and guidance and in that vulnerability is courage.  You can do this!

[escapingman]

I am currently not going to therapy, I might rethink this. But, I felt when I went that although it was good to speak to someone and get validation on the abuse that I was educating the therapist. Now I have come miles from where I was when in therapy and feel I am not sure I want to risk talking to someone who know less than me about what to do. I know what to do, it's just hard work to put all that theory into practice. If I could find a therapist with experience of emotional abuse that could swing it, but how do I find one?

[Associate of Daniel]

I have not found therapy to be helpful regarding practical application for how to deal with uNPD exH and his uNPD wife.  However it has been helpful from time to time, just to lay everything out to a complete stranger who has no connection with any of the parties.  It helps me to process the history and current situations.

Out of the FOG has definitely been the most helpful resource.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

I went through a lot of therapists before I found the right one.  I looked specifically for a therapist with experience with trauma/abuse.  I think those therapists have the most experience with it and the tools they offered were spot on.  PTSD experience was valuable for me as well.  My current T is retiring next months so I am looking again and this time I am finding far more T's with trauma and PTSD than before.