Will I ever like myself? Probably not.

Pepin · October 17, 2022, 04:46:16 PM

Possibly triggering....

I have been having a very hard time lately with accepting myself as I am. I just don't feel good - and in reality, I don't even know what "good" feels like anymore. My head is routinely filled with thoughts that I am dumb and ugly. And of course this stems from childhood and also my married life. There was no room for imperfection when I was younger....even though I wasn't good at many things. I was set up to fail so that NF could berate me. He needed to unleash his anger somehow and rather than getting a hobby or something else meaningful, he turned on me. I was constantly told that I was dumb. And I believed it. I looked in the mirror and saw someone staring back at me that was dumb - because I made mistakes and got yelled at when I was only learning. I didn't do anything dangerous -- I wasn't academically gifted and I bring no talent of any kind to the table. The environment in which I was raised however would settle for no less than that.

As for being ugly...well....that is rather complex. There is too much to explain. Obviously I hate that I have NF's features and there is only so much make up can do. I've never been told that I was pretty. Ever. And I hear all the time about others: she's so pretty!

I don't know how to contend with this but I fear that it will keep me drowning further and further in my contempt for myself. I actually almost drowned 2x because my mother was busy with my siblings -- even she didn't care for me. I don't think as a new mother she knew what to do with me. And she corrected herself when my siblings were born. She loved them so much. She abandoned me for them...she dressed them up real cute and gave them all her attention.

I don't know how to move on from this. These horrible feelings about myself cycle nonstop. Of course I am very critical about myself -- because the world has been critical towards me. It's a hard place to live.

SonofThunder · October 17, 2022, 09:00:30 PM

Hi Pepin,

Im sorry you are having a hard time lately and that the feelings cycle like they do. Im so sorry your childhood was so crappy and that your in-laws have plagued your marriage. I will be keeping you in thoughts and prayer for lifted spirits toward yourself.

When I feel like im trending lower than normal, i like to daydream, and I keep my daydreams realistic to my current financial status and physical/mental capability. You are a middle aged woman and therefore hopefully as much time ahead as there has been behind, and thats a fantastic opportunity to make your daydreams happen in the second half of the game of life!! So many teams go into the locker room in a half-time deficit, motivate themselves using what they learned in the first half, and then come out blazing into victory. Its time for team-Pepin to come out of the locker room and shock the crap out of the other team in the second half. 🏆👊

You have been here for years like me, and you well know you cant control others, but only yourself. So, being realistic to your own current financial, physical and mental capabilities: Consider in a positive, anticipating daydreaming fashion, what you would stop, start, or modify about your current life and also yourself, steadily starting now and going over the next 5 years. How about 10 years? These should be things that you could actually do, and nobody else's opinion (husband, children, others) matter at all.

Also, for possible additional positive consideration fun:

I know you are married, but there was a period before marriage, where all your attributes attracted your husband. Therefore I already know that Pepin's a head-turner and a heart-winner. For fun, lets say you woke up tomorrow having been transported to another time dimension and your husband did not. You both found yourself in your own dimension without a life-partner, and the only way to find a new partner was a profile on a dating app. What positive attributes would you list about yourself on your profile?

SoT

JustKeepTrying · October 17, 2022, 10:05:22 PM

Pepin,

I was raised in a literal family of multiple doctorate stem geniuses - graduating early and doing all kind of world changing stuff. Therefore my simple grades of A's and B's were unimpressive. I felt dumb my whole life until recently. I did some free tutoring via zoom over the pandemic for friends kids - and I found myself feeling smarter and more confident. Am I as smart as my Sheldon like family - no - but I'm no Algernon either.

I have a lot scars from multiple surgeries. I limp and I'm overweight - but recently with my T's encouragement I have been talking to myself in the mirror. I hung up affirmations and wrote in colored glass marker - I AM ENOUGH. I read it everyday and try to believe it. Lately though, I have been dressing for myself - wearing what makes me feel pretty and sexy - and spending a little more time on myself - doing what I like - like scented body scrubs that help ground me and feel soft at the same time. I take a few extra minutes and blow out my hair so it's a little shinier even if those wrinkles are still there - that hair looks good. It's made feel better about myself.

There are days it's hard. Days of deep depression and darkness - when those voices cycle in my head and it's hard to block them. But there are tricks - like snapping a rubberband when they start (distraction and reset); drinking a sip of water (that resets the brain); do a daily journal dump and free write to allow old and new thoughts to come forward and dump them completely out (like a mini self therapy session); write out what is good and bad and be realistic - like a fierce moral inventory with complete honesty - but include the good as well.

But know this, really know this deep down, you are an amazing friend here on Out of the FOG - you have counseled me in the past and I have grown in knowing you. You are a gentle and courageous spirit. I am better for your friendship.

Srcyu · October 18, 2022, 02:04:16 AM

You've been surrounded by bullies your whole life, like so many of us have.
Your inner core is wounded.
You do bring 'something' to the table. You bring yourself who is articulate and insightful and kind.
You may see your NF features in the mirror but the character and expression in your eyes will be totally different.

Dealing with two vile men has left you feeling emotionally weak. But they are weak too.
You are a far better person than them - always were and always will be.

notrightinthehead · October 18, 2022, 02:36:56 AM

Welcome to the world of the dumb and ugly! A few years ago I googled "How to love myself" . Two pages of what I found still are stuck on my wall above my work space. It"s possible to learn to like yourself much better. And not for anything you have achieved or have as an attribute. Just because you are here and you are human.
There are exercises that felt funny in the beginning, like giving myself a compliment when I saw myself in the mirror. Now that's easy and comes naturally. There are affirmations and meditations, search for "self love" on YouTube. Listen to one or several you like every day. Or more often.
You could throw all your energy into learning to love yourself. Nobody taught you up to now, and if anybody tried, they were not successful. But you can learn. You can change. Find what works for you, what you can tolerate. Start being kind to yourself, stop telling yourself these negative messages and fight as hard as you can to balance them out with some kind, loving, supportive messages that you give to yourself.

NarcKiddo · October 18, 2022, 07:11:03 AM

You were not nurtured and now you need to nurture yourself.

I like JustKeepTrying's approach of doing a bit of pampering and I do that myself. I used to wear a lot of make up and wanted to look good for other people but now I do stuff for myself. My husband laughs at the number of lotions and potions I have in the bathroom. But these days I don't use them to try to fight off ageing or make myself look better. I use them because I enjoy using them. I buy creams because I love the smell, of them, and the feel of them. I apply them gently and nicely. If they improve my looks, all well and good, but I'm doing it all for me.

Hugs. You absolutely have talents. You just don't know what they are. Give yourself some love and you may well discover them sooner than you think.

escapingman · October 18, 2022, 10:00:09 AM

I feel for you Pepin, and I get it. I feel awful about myself and hate looking at myself in the mirror, all I can think of is all the words from STBX about how useless I am and how no one else would have me. But I got to remember that she picked me and she did say that I am not ugly many times as she obviously wanted someone to look good on her side. But even knowing that all I can hear in my head is that I am useless so I hate looking at me in the mirror, I have even grown a beard that has altered how I look which actually feels good. STBX hated beards, she would shout at me if I didn't shave for a few days.

For me the insecurities definitely comes from my childhood, as far as I can remember my parents never once told me that they loved me or that I looked good. I remember when I was about 15 and was terrified of asking any girls out of fear of rejection, I asked one girl on my street if I was ugly or handsome. I genuinely didn't know how other people looked at me, she told me I was pretty and then she held my hand whilst we were walking for 5 minutes or so. That was probably my happiest moment in my childhood, I felt so good.

Come on Pepin, pamper yourself, treat yourself, you are amazing, you have a beautiful soul and I am sure that is shining through and that anyone looking at you can see it.

hhaw · October 18, 2022, 11:00:02 AM

((Pepin)) you can process the pain and trauma out if your Nervouse and Limbic systems.

Neuroplasticity means your brain can change your entire life with mindfulness practice, acceptance, dropping judgment, embracing curiosity and releasing expectation.

Replacing the software your parents installed in your childhood will lead to your remembering the perfect little child you were born to be.

In the meantime, I invite you to embrace yourself with tsunamis if self compassion.....
like you're tending to a young child, P.

It won't be perfect. You'll notice forgetting and have the choice to extend compassion again.....its a process. There's no pass or fail. Only returning to noticing your inner world, getting curious about it....accrpting what comes up, bc THIS discomfort is the messenger asking for attention.

You're already attuned to your inner thoughts. That's huge.

Dropping judgment, seeing where those thoughts take you.....usually to things behind them....to causes and conditions requiring attention.

My T calls this sitting in awareness without judgment.

It's possible to change your unconscious belief systems, but first you have to notice and bring them into awareness.

A goid trauma informed T can help you move through healing trauma more quickly. There's info and tools available to you.

I believe you'll seek out ways that make sense to you.

Pepin · October 18, 2022, 01:19:05 PM

Thank you all for your replies...it truly means a lot to me. I woke up this morning feeling a little better (after crying myself through brushing my teeth and washing my face before bed) and attended to some self care -- that I shower, get dressed, apply make up and do my hair every day. No exceptions. I also did some organizing, which for me is therapeutic. I also did some internal organizing as we have a family situation that will need my attention soon. I have a plan and also that I can be available and help. That made me feel good. And then I started organizing a few things at home and paid some bills. These tasks do keep me grounded and I am so grateful for them. I love to organize when it is helpful for myself and others -- it is like what I envision artists feel when they work on and finish a piece.

That being said...while I was on them before in the past, I think I am going to reach out to my MD for anti depressants. My younger self swore never to touch them again but I'm at an impasse....and while it is important for me to feel my emotions rather than having a drug butter them up, I feel that this would be appropriate at this time. And I remember how difficult it was to quit anti depressants.....but what else can I do? I need to be the best version of myself in order to make good decisions and keep myself safe. I am tired of internally beating myself up because of others. I'm tired of worrying about the boundaries I set and stressing about which boundaries are the most helpful. This is for me.

SonofThunder · October 18, 2022, 02:02:08 PM

Quote from: Pepin on October 18, 2022, 01:19:05 PM
Thank you all for your replies...it truly means a lot to me. I woke up this morning feeling a little better (after crying myself through brushing my teeth and washing my face before bed) and attended to some self care -- that I shower, get dressed, apply make up and do my hair every day. No exceptions. I also did some organizing, which for me is therapeutic. I also did some internal organizing as we have a family situation that will need my attention soon. I have a plan and also that I can be available and help. That made me feel good. And then I started organizing a few things at home and paid some bills. These tasks do keep me grounded and I am so grateful for them. I love to organize when it is helpful for myself and others -- it is like what I envision artists feel when they work on and finish a piece.

That being said...while I was on them before in the past, I think I am going to reach out to my MD for anti depressants. My younger self swore never to touch them again but I'm at an impasse....and while it is important for me to feel my emotions rather than having a drug butter them up, I feel that this would be appropriate at this time. And I remember how difficult it was to quit anti depressants.....but what else can I do? I need to be the best version of myself in order to make good decisions and keep myself safe. I am tired of internally beating myself up because of others. I'm tired of worrying about the boundaries I set and stressing about which boundaries are the most helpful. This is for me.

Nice to read an optimistic and proactive update to your original post! Best wishes to you Pepin!

SoT

Call Me Cordelia · October 18, 2022, 05:34:43 PM

I hear you on so much of this, Pepin.

I got off of anti-depressants about a year ago. It really did work for me to take the edge off the emotions and loud inner critic so I could learn some other skills to take care of myself better. I was giving myself an advantage to make learning not so hard. Quitting was hard but not so hard as trying bootstrap myself through the early days of NC without them would likely have been. We use the right tools for the job at hand, and it's always going to be a judgment call. You and your T and doctor have the best judgment here!

P.S. Organizing is an art form!

Jolie40 · November 15, 2022, 09:17:24 AM

I don't know if you can talk with your husband or not
however, if you can ask him to think back & write you a letter about why he married you

during the pandemic, I suddenly felt like husband did not love me
I know it was triggered by PD parent/enabler & siblings as it was a chaotic year with the lot of them

husband wrote me a letter about how he did love me & that when he met me, how he couldn't stop thinking about me.....I cry every time when reading the letter cause I know he loves me

like you, I was never told that "I'm beautiful"
GC was beautiful & still is with a beautiful face, teeth, hair so PD parent doted on her!

I'm losing my hair for some reason & wear a hat almost constantly to hide my thin hair
bought a wig & wear when leaving house sometimes....it is tough to look at myself cause only 10 years ago, I had a full head of hair.....but life goes on & I must deal with it

ask for that letter!

djcleo · May 28, 2023, 09:23:59 PM

Pepin,

I once read a book that encouraged me to write down stuff about myself I didn't like. Then to ask a close friend their honest opinion of me. It was incredibly scary. But my friend confirmed the very best things and added to that list. I was so humbled and grateful.

Do I still struggle? Absolutely, but I find myself slightly healthier than I used to be. I also use an app called finch and load in CBT type tasks.

Maybe these things might be a small piece for you.

1footouttadefog · May 30, 2023, 09:17:09 AM

Note I have seen none of youso this is not directed toward anyone appearance.

As a kid I was always perplexed by the concept of beauty. I could never understand why the kids who were the most fascinating, smart, clever, brave, funny, unique, were not as popular as the "pretty" kids. I found alot of the pretty kids to be dull. There were few who had only looks to rely on fortunately and there were a couple who had seeming everything but by others standards.

I have always found that the more ai know someone the more attractive they become. Because I like them for who they are and their unique looks are part of the package regardless of where they fit on the looks spectrum.

I always had elderly friends in my life and balness, gray hair and wrinkles have never been ugly to me either. Has helped alot the past few years, LOL.

Even if you are not as "pretty" as some others, you are beautiful. Others out there will see that with their eyes and hearts.

I hope you are soon somehow able to cast off the negative messages about yourself and enjoy being your beautiful self.

IMO, being pretty is to some extent a toss of the genetic yatze cup. Being a beautiful person is a choice. Feeling like the beautiful person you are can be hard. Take care of yourself holistically, you deserve it.