Filed for divorce last week, chaos ensued

Whoops · October 18, 2022, 02:29:29 AM

I said my hello on the Welcome Mat in mid July after finding out my NPDH had started an affair as we were approaching our 34th wedding anniversary. We have 3 adult kids one of whom I spent about 6 years working hard to get well from a life-threatening illness. I have also always worked at a demanding professional job. NPDH started a relationship behind my back with a 20 year younger, childless bike tour guide , i.e. unemployed woman ,in a couple of months when I was taking care of my dying father and my two very elderly and ill moms (stepmom and mom). He also spent behind my back about $8,000 on sports equipment to play with her while I was taking care of my dad and very distracted.

I filed for divorce last week, as fast as I could get into the courthouse, when I found out that he had moved in with his young bike friend. I was furious that he was forcing me to be a third wheel (good pun, hunh ?) to his adultery and I feel his actions are both insulting and immoral . I feel better after filing that I have made my statement publicly and to our children that I do not accept or condone his adultery.

But, of course, NPDH has gone wild since then. I am sure he intended to hide his girlfriend for a while to pretend he didn't leave me for her. This busted that plan up, plus he doubtless needs to show he is in charge/throw his weight around. So he began doing things like taking away everything of value outside our house -- I had changed the locks once I filed as he kept just coming in and taking things away and coming in without being invited in. And he has tried through his lawyer to cut me off from our shared credit cards, saying they are his as he is the main account holder. Well, every single utility or credit card we have has his name on it over the whole course of our marriage. So he is changing passwords so I can't see things, not responding to straightforward questions about financial support for our youngest child, etc. He has been openly hostile in his texts to me-- a bad idea made even worse by the fact that he holds a publicly visible job-- At one point he threatened to call the cops on me if I went to his home with our van to pick up my grandma's table from there. And he has repeatedly demanded that I give him our bed that we bought 20 years ago!!! Gross.

In other words, he had been just nasty. It is also possible he has hidden money as the first thing he took out of the house when he left was our financial records. And he handled all of our finances and never let me see where he stored records and forbade me to open financial letters that came in the mail, claiming I didn't open the envelopes neatly enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight he sent me a totally reasonable text after I asked him Saturday night if he had changed passwords. In other words, he waited a couple days to respond for no reason, except to keep me confused and upset. Now the reasonable. Have I felt that swing before? OMG yes I have. That is his pattern and even now, I feel the brain fog descending a bit. Now there is a fascinating thing: I can now physically feel in my brain when he gaslights or manipulates me. It feels like a fuzz or light buzz in my thinking area. I think I didn't notice it before we split because it was happening all the time.

So, here are a few things about all this: his terrible and mean behavior has finally wiped out my feelings of intense loss and missing him that were overwhelming me when all this happened and we separated. So that is a HUGE silver lining. But I am so stressed by the chaos, the gaslighting, and the financial worries that I think I need to take a leave from work. I know enough to be aware that chaos in divorce is the narc's specialty. I am hoping fear of public exposure or his lawyer will rein him in, but we shall see.

I am also struck by the concept of "discard." I had seen him discard all of his long-time friends if they weren't people he could bicycle with, and even not seem to feel much grief when his mother died a few years back. So I kind of expected I would become just the last phase of his life with very little emotional attachment. That guess seems to be true. Any insights on this phenomenon are appreciated. Also he is enraged as his lawyer has told him I will get half his pension. I told him a few years back that every retirement fund we both hold is both of ours. He refused to believe me, but lo, so it is. So he is projecting his shame over cheating and how people who find out are responding to him as rage at me. And he is furious that he will have to share "his money" with me.

I am weighing whether to go out on leave for a while to try to recoup my balance. Two very good friends at work told me today they think I need to do that, that I am too fragile to work and am not showing the good judgment I usually have. I would get paid leave if I do that, but I have worked through every single hardship in my life, including my dad and stepdad's deaths and helping my child through their illness. It feels like such a weakness not to be able to keep working now. But I am pretty sure that if those friends tell me I am no longer good to go, they know what they are saying. It is like getting two yellow cards in soccer..... it's time to sit on the bench.

All thought and insights are appreciated!

SonofThunder · October 18, 2022, 08:18:06 AM

Hi Whoops,

I am so very sorry that you experience all this from your stbxH. At the same time, you seem to have tremendous insight, clarity and wisdom, staying at least one-step ahead at all times. You are not alone in your experiences. There are so many other ladies here, who, throughout decades of marriage, have experienced the IDD (idealize, devalue, discard) cycles from their husband, and then the ultimate 'discard' of an affair.

There is a lot of discussion here on the forum about discard, but I simply want to point you to Dr. Ramani's video series. This particular video in the series speaks about discard, and I also recommend you view the other videos in this Dr Ramani's series on understanding the terms/traits/experiences. Below is a link to a the video on discard.

https://youtu.be/Oik4IsgQ4uk

SoT

Whoops · October 19, 2022, 01:32:30 AM

Thank you SoT! I appreciate your help in me starting to learn more. I hadn't heard about that cycle and am going to watch the video now. It softens the blows to hear it is... predictable and patterned.

Whoops · October 19, 2022, 02:08:37 AM

WOW. I watched the video. I sensed so many pieces of that over many, many years and was gargantually stumped by the avoidance of intimacy -- I often thought, "you don't get points for being distant and avoiding intimacy with your wife," not knowing he in fact did-- and finally light is being shed. Understanding discard is critical just now-- but understanding the whole cycle is so mind expanding and maybe even calming. I will watch more of Dr Ramani's videos now. Better pace myself. Too much mind blowing at once could be bad.

SonofThunder · October 19, 2022, 06:42:40 AM

Quote from: Whoops on October 19, 2022, 02:08:37 AM
WOW. I watched the video. I sensed so many pieces of that over many, many years and was gargantually stumped by the avoidance of intimacy -- I often thought, "you don't get points for being distant and avoiding intimacy with your wife," not knowing he in fact did-- and finally light is being shed. Understanding discard is critical just now-- but understanding the whole cycle is so mind expanding and maybe even calming. I will watch more of Dr Ramani's videos now. Better pace myself. Too much mind blowing at once could be bad.

Hi Whoops,

Glad you found that video enlightening. I recommend you watch Dr Ramani's entire series of those terminology videos. It will not only teach you the patterns of your past relationship experiences, but also of the present and future, as PD's are predictable in their behaviors.

Remember also that the IDD cycle (idealize, devaluation and discard) is a 'foundational' part of an experience with a PD, as PD's emotionally feed off of their continual host. PD's need to devalue you with criticism, insults, questioning, confusion and belittlement in order to have you ask them "why" so they can tell you what YOU need to do (always more or more+different than the last time around).

When we are in the FOG (fear,obligation, guilt), we attempt to meet their demands to bring an end to the devaluation stage and when we do comply, they once again toss us the bone of idealization as a morsel of reward for our compliance. That desire of them to bring us back to the cycle's beginning through manipulation is also called 'hoovering', which is aptly named after a vacuum cleaner, as the PD sucks us back to the beginning once again.

If devalue does not breed the compliance, the PD will begin to combine the addition of discard with devaluation as a deeper punishment to bring the hurt all the way to the bone, in hopes that we will once again ask why and comply to their request. If the non-PD still doesn't comply, the discard will get continually deeper and we may experience less idealization as the PD will begin to act as if we don't exist/matter and male PD's especially (my opinion based on my experiences with others here at Out of the FOG) may have an affair to both severely punish the non and/or provide themselves the feed they need, from another willing victim.

Again, Dr Ramani is a wonderful resource so I hope you enjoy her education.

SoT

Gwendolyn · October 21, 2022, 08:24:06 AM

Hello Whoops

You definitely have a lot to deal with presently.

One thing that stood out for me was how you worked through so many previous emotional family dilemmas. It might be worth pondering why taking time off now has brought back those instances. My hunch is that you might be judging yourself harshly because you were able to 'handle' working during turmoil in the past and see the need to take off work as a personal failing or weakness.

What if you saw the time off as a reward you have earned due to previous loyal service and personal sacrifice? You know this will be an ordeal so reorienting yourself to prepare for your new future arrangements seems wise. Please don't shortchange yourself by being too tired or emotionally exhausted when the hard bargaining starts.

Sounds like the ridiculous anger on his part is a tactic to make you accept less and bully you into not fighting for what is due to you legally and morally. I've seen this happen to a friend leaving a narc where the narc was also having an affair. I actually went and stayed with her a couple days a week in the beginning just to help change the energy in the house and to keep him from stopping by and harassing her. Do you have a sister or auntie or friend that could come visiting regularly? It definitely helps to clear out the stale fog of the stbx from the home environment.

Keep visualizing a calmer future for yourself and really recognize how selfish and entitled he is. He's angry his stoopid plan fell apart and he's only got himself to blame. Badgering you into a scene or an outburst will be just the fuel he needs to claim 'see, she's unreasonable..no wonder I had to leave..." And tbh he'll probably blame you for everything anyways. And wouldn't that indicate he hasn't changed much and that you've been tolerating too much?

If it was me I'd be having a spa day for nails and a facial, only wearing my nicest clothes, eating very healthy, visiting friends and making a plan to take some time off to build your new game plan. Living a great life without him is the best revenge.

Big hug and sending you encouragement ❤

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · October 21, 2022, 07:22:13 PM

PD's need to devalue you with criticism, insults, questioning, confusion and belittlement in order to have you ask them "why" so they can tell you what YOU need to do (always more or more+different than the last time around)

I like how Hhaw described this part of the cycle - it further explained to me the purpose of the devaluing - to get you to ask why?. When you GR/NC, there is no why, so the cycle stops. The why opens the door to more demands and requests....ugh.

Whoops · October 27, 2022, 02:23:44 AM

This info is so insightful and helpful. Thank you all so very much! I am boggled by how hateful he has been to me. Just telling flat out lies about what I have said and lying about things he has secretly taken from our house. He is very intent on hitting all my childhood trauma buttons and knows exactly where they are. I still can't quite believe it. It helps so much to read this info, particularly what people have to say about what happens when we ask "why?" and how asking that serves the PD. I will reread all these responses tomorrow when my mind is clearer as it got eaten up responding to lawyer stuff tonight. And I am watching the videos and shared them with my therapist who said she has already recommended them to others. Divorcing a narcissist is the wurst! Thank you all so much for the support and insight.

Whoops · October 27, 2022, 12:13:47 PM

Gwendolyn, what you had to say about my guilt over taking a leave hit the mark. I actually did stuff in the past like worked extra hours at night to finish a big writing project when my stepdad was dying of cancer so that when I became emotionally unable to grind extra hard that job would already be done. I am over the top responsible to my work. And I took little leave while caring for my child for years, I'd just work extra after my child was in bed at night to make up for hours lost in the day. And falling apart though I am, I rallied up last Sunday evening to do door to door community outreach in Spanish and English to a bunch of people so they would know what they needed to do to save their homes at a government meeting on Monday. And it worked!!! I have always rallied and performed despite hardship at home starting when I was a young child. It is hard to let go of that self-image on which I have constructed my life. It is also hard to let go of my self image as someone in a lifetime marriage. Lots of my self images need to be modulated now, they have been destructive to me.

I find the idea of seeing this as a reward for past exceptionally dedicated service at my work really helpful. Thanks so much!

Gwendolyn · October 28, 2022, 11:01:37 PM

Whoops.
This community has been a big help to me too both with direct feedback and many of the shares I have read have been very enlightening.

Taking time to think, heal and doing some selfcare can seem optional under pressure: but being overwhelmed takes a huge toll and now is the absolutely best time to put yourself first.

Your recovery from this emotional abuse is bound to be patchy at times but knowing he's a self centered cheater might be all you need to know about him right now.

You have so much to be proud of and you bring all your energy and sweet qualities with you wherever you go. He probably didn't contribute very much to your personal successes or your sense of civic duty...ie: your door knocking campaign.
I'm guessing you've been pulling 200% of the weight in your extended family and your marriage for a very long time. You are kind, caring and extremely competent and responsible. These qualities belong to you and they come with you into all future situations.

Sometimes what we think we are losing is something we have actually been painfully enduring with no respite (see trauma bonding..the longer we endure the harder to leave)

Let your nerves calm a bit each day and recognize you are not in a time-sensitive crisis or a life threatening panic situation. You are party to an unwelcome & new-to-you legal process with an untrustworthy guy.

Your friends,family and kids will love you and support you. Keep your head high. You didn't deserve this but OMG remaining enmeshed with him might have been worse.

I have a voice memo recorder on my phone and I use it in the car to do summaries of events and difficult moments in my life.
When I listen to them at other times I realize I always sound happier when I have an action plan, visit with friends or activity going on...and I often sound sad and frustrated when I talk about the futile, repetitive and draining interactions with personality disordered; depressed and now heavy drinking H.

Waking up from the FOG is very hard but it's liberating too. We have a spirit in us that that needs at least as much attention and support as those who constantly drain us with endless and thankless expectations.

Stay clear headed and future oriented for best results.

Big hug to you and much respect to you for your courage.

Whoops · December 07, 2022, 12:06:39 AM

Thank you Gwendolyn for your thoughtful response. I left town for awhile and left my computer behind, on purpose, so sorry to be slow in acknowledging your support.

Your words are so encouraging and feel... true. I find myself now that I am back in my town missing him but I need to remember that yes, he cheated on me and he has been so nasty even since. I have been good at staying out of touch with him after one bad incident where he got angry that I decided to delay mediation a month because I wasn't emotionally ready. I had him watch our dog as I'd gone out of town (I keep leaving!) and I had to pick up the dog the day he found out I was delaying mediation. I need to remember how he acted that day-- even then, even after treating me so cruelly and shamefully in how he ended our marriage. Remorse is not a thing for him. No more dog watching for him!

I need to learn more about trauma bonding. I keep feeling so confused by how much I still love him despite his bad behavior over many years, as there was much good also. So many years of my emphasizing his good seems to have made it very hard to integrate my brain's awareness of the bad into my heart. I think his good behavior and character were more than many of the spouses' on here, but his bad behavior, selfishness, lack of empathy, and long-time pattern of emotional abuse lines right on up with what other people describe.

I am putting together my financial info and budget for the mediation and divorce and starting to dream about what I can do as a person with freedom and no-one controlling me excessively. That part is exciting!