Getting Lost in the BS Maze

[WhiteWolf]

I’m having a down week on several levels.

I’m not being successful at holding the boundary of not taking to stbx other than about the kids. Therefore I fully realize I’m setting myself up for failure and attacks from all sides from stbx. He’s starting to call/text at all times of the day. Why can’t I just hold this boundary and not engage/end the call, etc? I’m really mad at myself about that.

He’s really ramping up the BS maze that he throws into my path to manipulate and love bomb and confuse and gaslight. Whether he’s doing it consciously or not. Who cares. Fortunately I find most of what he says so ridiculous it’s nausea inducing but still stressful.

Anyway the part I’m really struggling with is a few days ago he mentioned that a lawyer told him he could lose his job due to the current OP I have against him. And made me think that it would have to be dropped. And to not talk to my lawyer about him talking to me (lol already did that) Don’t get me wrong, I am all for his keeping his job since I’m the unemployed one. But now he’s saying it only needs to be modified. And telling me all the things HE wants to change about it. Reading that back just really highlights the absurdity of that. So I’m beginning to think it’s just all BS. I want to ask him if he has actually talked to someone at his job that explicitly said he will lose his job if the OP is not modified/dropped, but I’m not sure if I should even engage there.

And he keeps bugging me for the cell phone account password, that I changed upon advice of my lawyer and many others. Saying he’s the one paying for it, we should both have access to everything blah blah and of course since I won’t hand it over accusing me of hiding something ie cheating.  So it’s making me second guess myself and feel like I should just give it to him to avoid the drama.

I’d love everyone’s advice and help to get my head back on straight. Again. TIA

[SonofThunder]

Hi WhiteWolf,

Sorry you are having difficulty with boundaries.  They surely are very difficult and get easier to deploy and stand firm over time with practice.

You wrote:

"I'm not being successful at holding the boundary of not talking to stbx other than about the kids. Therefore I fully realize I'm setting myself up for failure and attacks from all sides from stbx. He's starting to call/text at all times of the day. Why can't I just hold this boundary and not engage/end the call, etc? I'm really mad at myself about that." 

May i suggest that you may want to enact a boundary that you will only be providing/responding to communications from a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard, Coparently or talkingParents, not text or phone any longer, and only during X'oclock to X'oclock, when your time permits during that span.  Then you can block his phone number and email once you both are set up, and then just look for alerts on the app vs him pinging your phone and texting.

*Some of those apps, may be usable in court, to show truth of potential manipulation regarding children and attempted verbal abuse through an app designed to facilitate better communication, but I'm not certain. There may be some here on OOTD who can verify if an app can be used legally or even court ordered.   

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I remember a quote from a video about narcissists -

Don't believe what they say, and only half of what you see.

If your gut is telling you something isn't right, listen to it.  When we are in the fog, we stop listening to that inner voice.

GR/NC is  a great tool - it avoids all the gaslighting and self doubt.

When I reflect back on my past experiences with my ex, I'm really unsure if he ever told me something that was 100% true - he lied so much and often.

[notrightinthehead]

WhiteWolf, it seems to me that your problem is more with your own behaviour - crossing your boundaries and sabotaging yourself.  Maybe you could approach the situation like you would a nasty habit or an addiction - maybe you want to stop biting your nails. So you wear gloves. You paint your nails with something bitter, foul smelling. You do everything you can to remind your that you do not want to do that. You don't want to get roped into the emotional highs and lows of PD drama. You don't want to fall for the smoke and mirror again. So what can you do to stay away from the temptation ?  How can you keep yourself from engaging? What helps me is writing my thoughts down, calling a friend instead, cleaning windows, taking the dogs for a walk. 
Sending you lots of strength.