Lost

[novelambitions]

I am a spiritual person, raised pentecostal, but now I'm very eclectic however I've maintained this deep reverence for love. That love is unique and should be fostered/cherished at all costs. But I'm sitting on the other side of a ten-year marriage where I feel my husband loves me but in some genuinely twisted way. It's like he's been two people the entire time, this one I've loved and adored and a hidden predator. I'm tired and trying to find some solace in a power higher than myself and find I am lacking. I feel that I am trauma bonded to my spouse and with him away during a mandatory separation I'm experiencing that withdrawal-like symptom from him.

I'm asking myself if it's really love or just this physiological response. The reality I've lived doesn't quite match up to the emotions I feel for him. I love this man and I really shouldn't. I'm terrified of the life I'll lead after and even the notion of healing because I will lose this love I have for him. I just want some divine intervention or a prayer answered.

[SonofThunder]

Hello novelambitions,

Im sorry you experience the repetitive push-pull of a relationship with a PD. That push-pull is a typical experience for SO many of us here on Out of the FOG.  You are not alone.  You wrote "I feel that I am trauma bonded to my spouse...". 

From a Psychology Today article on the subject of trauma bonding:   

"When we are faced with abuse and neglect, we are chemically wired to focus on getting to the 'other side'.  When the abuser is the person that brings us relief, the brain associates them with safety. The brain latches on to the positive experience of relief rather than the negative impact of the abuser. This happens because the body's threat response (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) turns off the part of the brain that can think long-term when we are in crisis. This creates the feeling that we need the abuser to survive, and is often mistaken for 'love'."

That article clearly defines trauma bonding.  You also wrote "I'm asking myself if it's really love or just this physiological response."  Since you have a clear definition of 'trauma bonding' then imo, to make a good comparison to the two terms you are in question regarding, what is your definition of 'love' that you believe a husband and wife should receive and provide in a marital covenant relationship? 

SoT

[Gwendolyn]

Thanks for posting here today. Your description of your husband being almost like two people is so true for me.

I think during a separation the reasons we took our decision start to fade and I wonder if you have been keeping a journal? Recently I was flipping through mine and I realize my PDh has hasn't changed at all.  The only thing that has changed is my awareness of his patterns and my ability to go MC and no JADE ( see the acronyms in the tool box).  My new posture and attitudes and behaviors are making my life more manageable for me.  It's still unclear to me if my marriage is ending or if I'm simply building personal resiliency and my own network in parallel.  Either way, the personal care and growth is new for me as I have been engulfed by the 'relationship' which was unhealthy for me.

Might I gently suggest you write down all the reasons you sought this separation and maybe a few defining episodes that proved to you your relationship wasn't going to bring you what you wanted.. then put those notes away and read them when trauma memories fade and you become lonesome for the  'could have been' relationship that no longer has a hope.

You are in a vacuum now between two lives in a way.. focus on the life you want and do more actions that build that life.  Please do share again and I admire your resolve.

Kind regards and much encouragement to be kind to yourself.

[SignificantOther1798]

Hi. It's worrying hearing the expressions 'twisted' and 'hidden predator' and 'he's been two people' about your husband, so it sounds like your separation must have been for good reason. Perhaps your enduring love is for the man that you fell in love with - not the man that he has become. But it is only natural to question yourself. You fell in love for good reason, so could you both bring things back to the way they were? Is he willing to reconcile with you, and change, to have you back? Is he even capable of change? You need to be honest with yourself about the answers. Also, would he be willing to sit down with you to answer such questions (perhaps with an intermediary, or a marriage counselor)?

You talk about the importance of love - so true! It is God's cardinal quality. Which is why what the apostle Paul wrote about love in the Bible is so meaningful:
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but do not have love, I have become a clanging gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and understand all the sacred secrets and all knowledge, and if I have all the faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my belongings to feed others, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I do not benefit at all.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

[bloomie]

novelambitions in case you come back and read here and for others who may come across this post...

Here are two really good resources. A blog for women in similar situations as to what you describe here:

https://esther-company.com/blog/

And good podcast info, blogs, and books based on her own experiences by Lysa TerKeurst found here: https://lysaterkeurst.com

TerKeurst's latest book: Good Boundaries and Goodbyes was a very helpful read for me. It is a compassionate and inside out look at the complexity of marriages where one partner is grappling with the ongoing toxic behaviors and character issues of the other.

novelambitions, I hope you are finding you way into a place of healing and peace!

[Mary]

One prayer I sometimes ask for is for God to show me anything hidden that I need to know about. When He shows me, it helps clarify things. Lots of good info people have provided here for you to pray over. Ask God how to implement this knowledge in your situation.
Blessings,
Mary

[1footouttadefog]

You can still continue to love him even after you are separated of the time comes that it is necessary.

You can always love him even if it's no longer beast to live with him or have regular contact and such.