Am I in a trauma bond?

[Lonewolf]

I became friends with a woman who was elder than me, I met her after 15 long years. We exchanged numbers and we started to become friendly. She continuously hit me with very sweet gestures and soothing talks.

She exhibited her flirty side and she was so sweet to me but I was very clear not to take that alone as a sign and approach her, though we were close to each other. But I started to have feelings for her after some time but I didn't want to make a proposal and ruin the friendship we share because I was unsure if she likes has any interest in me and I don't want to be labelled as simp.

Later she started to slip away saying she is busy. she completely cut me off after I commented on her blog (nothing personal) she doesn't like to get married nor wants to get committed. I apologized to her big time for the general comment I made about marriage.

Initially, she accepted my apology but went cold shoulders later. I tried my best to reach out and know why she is still upset. I met her in person after she gave me the silent treatment for 3 months continuously. I was not blocked by her. I gave them a really big gap of three weeks or so before I texted her again to know what she is doing.

I was never that close to any women though I had many female friends. I was feeling bad and guilty that I upset her and wanted to fix the issue but I lost hope since she stopped responding to my texts. So I decided to meet her in person. Boom!

She didn't like me meeting her in person. I kept away. I didn't bother her and now 2 months passed by I was surfing Youtube "why a woman stops responding to texts" because this is the first time someone is ignoring me for making a blog comment.! I earlier argued with her when I said my opinion on her blog when she shared it with me. That time I sent my feedback this time I made it a public comment.

The blog was about how a woman is tortured in society to get married. So I said my general comment like what happens when a woman stays single for long and I said it may be my future girlfriend too is getting harassed like this in the same way!

Well, I was not showing any hatred towards women in general nor did I make a creepy comment about her. But it was very evident that she hated me after that. In between all this chaos, she replied to my texts stating that I can use her old blogs to make YouTube content and there was no emoji or smiley. I was upset. I tried my best to convince her and promise that I won't repeat this mistake of letting out my opinion in the public. I tried to convince them that I didn't mean to hurt or insult her.

Now after meeting her in person she left the chat in an open-ended way that made me feel as if am begging for her attention.

I then started to recollect whatever happened and only now I realised she is having a narcissistic personality and is a dismissive-avoidant.

She hates romance but flirts like a pro.
She is always mysterious.
She has many guys flirting with her in name of blogging.
She never revealed anything about her.
She wants me to pet her always.
She hates criticism.
She wants to be complimented always.
She said I was anxious when I don't get her texts.
She doesn't like to be questioned if she goes missing for months.
She mirrored all my likes, preference, interests etc.
She always was curious if dated any other women.
She always speaks highly only of her mother and never a detail about her father.
She doesn't like to get closer to anyone.
She hates commitment but will seduce with her sweetness.
She didn't stop sending her blog links though that was the reason why we had a misunderstanding.

I now don't text anything to her but I feel traumatized by her mixed signals and the way she ended things 😔 right from the start there were red flags which I ignored now I regret so much for investing my time with such a person because of the trauma bond I have I sometimes have this cognitive dissonance to talk and not to talk. I spoke to a professional therapist and even my close friends who suggested forgetting the incident and MOVE ON.

I am clueless about what to do. She is charming and beautiful in the layer but dark and egoistic inside. 100% she is a dismissive avoidant with narcissistic personality traits.

She is in her late 30s and she is very passive-aggressive if anything goes against her. I felt like walking over eggshells whenever I say a joke to her.

I broke no contact after 45 days and texted her what I wanted to tell and archived the chat. I am sure she won't read it any time sooner 😔

She hates commitment and marriage. The post was regarding that. So I let out my general opinion about marriage and I am not a person who blindly supports feministic the idea of "Women can achieve only if they remain spinsters which she always propagates.

I thought blogs are open for the public to tell their opinion, unlike Facebook.

She didn't like it when I met in person to sort out the problem. But she indeed responded to the text message later claiming that she had personal issues and was held up by that.

I never mentioned anything like "you, your life, Us" etc. It was a general thought though. I don't like these mind games of the silent treatment. Had she blasted me on my face or said something like "I don't feel like talking to you right now" I would have understood 

Wonder why she is offended so much. It is a platonic relationship with genuine care and affection I had for her. Wonder if I should text her back or cut off the friendship which I never do to anyone. Not even to my enemy. And I don't ghost people.

[Starboard Song]

I spoke to a professional therapist and even my close friends who suggested forgetting the incident and MOVE ON.

I am clueless about what to do. She is... dark and egoistic inside. 100% she is a dismissive avoidant with narcissistic personality traits.

She is in her late 30s and she is very passive-aggressive if anything goes against her. I felt like walking over eggshells whenever I say a joke to her.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am sorry you are struggling.

It sounds like it is unanimous, to be honest. Your therapist says to forget it and move on. Your close friends all say to forget it and move on. And you describe her as dark and egoistic, 100% dismissive-avoidant, and likely a narcisist.

It sounds like this relationship was almost entirely via keyboard, which creates a high risk for communication failure, wrong assumptions, and misplaced confidence. I understand you had feelings for her. I am sorry that didn't pan out: but we humans are only a hair's breadth from cavemen, and we make bad romantic choices all the time.

If you had feelings for a dark and egoistic, 100% dismissive-avoidant narcisist, it may simply be time to let that error go. There are bright and caring, engaging non-narcisists everywhere.

Good healing strength to you.

[Srcyu]

Hi, I'm just wondering when you 'decided to meet in person' whether you told her beforehand and that she agreed to meet you?
If not, then I can see why she would be unhappy about it.

Your comment on her blog referred to your 'future girlfriend' did you mean her?
It sounds as though she regards you as a Follower of her blog and she probably treats other Followers the same way.

It's a shame that she played you along like that and you ended up confused.  Her ego probably needs constant adoration from afar. It's possible that she should be feeling bad and guilty not you.

[Lonewolf]

Hi, I'm just wondering when you 'decided to meet in person' whether you told her beforehand and that she agreed to meet you?
If not, then I can see why she would be unhappy about it.

Your comment on her blog referred to your 'future girlfriend' did you mean her?
It sounds as though she regards you as a Follower of her blog and she probably treats other Followers the same way.

It's a shame that she played you along like that and you ended up confused.  Her ego probably needs constant adoration from afar. It's possible that she should be feeling bad and guilty not you.

No, She never responded to my text messages but kept sharing her blog links alone! (Still she does it and i don't know why?!) I was sick of silent treatment and I was completely ghosted. I just met her in person without information because i wanted a "closure" well honestly yes, "Future girlfriend" I did think of her in my mind! but it could be anyone else too right?? Well she said something like "If the same comment was sent to me in my WhatsApp" I wouldn't have mind it. Public comment made me sick. But my profile didn't carry my real name or identity. 

One thing i noticed was she was way too flirty with few other guys getting to compliment them and she was totally comfortable in doing it in public and any tom, dick and harry can see the comment. When i was calling her dear or darling she never objected rather she flirted back and said she liked it. I am not character assassinating her. I am here because I started to feel like "Am i the bad person?" I don't woo any girl who doesn't like me back.

[Lonewolf]

@Starboard Song

Thank you so much for your understanding. I started to self doubt myself and am completely drained. I am trying my best to forgive and move on.  I reached this forum to genuinely correct myself after trying browsing all YouTube videos. I don't even know what narcissism means until she started to discard me. Usually I know people who block right away or honestly cut contact, few other girls too have ghosted me when there was no issues! yet they are socially active and interactive with other people. I really don't care about them. Well when the whole post was feministic and was against marriage I just said my opinion earlier when she spoke she said "I did not remove your comment I just didn't approve" So I don't know if someone actually asked her or she is trying to build story to avoid me. I wanna know how exactly I can recover myself 

[Starboard Song]

I am not character assassinating her. I am here because I started to feel like "Am i the bad person?" I don't woo any girl who doesn't like me back.

I think you can safely cut yourself some slack and confirm that you are not a bad person, and did nothing wrong. It sounds like (1) she is just not a good fit for you, and (2) there was some major miscommunication, and that needn't be ascribed to either person.

It's ok. It happens all the time. I doubt you did anything at all wrong.

You recover yourself by accepting the world as it is: she is not a good fit, nobody is guilty of being evil, it is OK to feel hurt and confused, and you are free to move on. If you accept those truths then you'll be back in charge of yourself instead of this incident being in the driver's seat.

[Lonewolf]

It sounds like (1) she is just not a good fit for you, and (2) there was some major miscommunication, and that needn't be ascribed to either person.

You recover yourself by accepting the world as it is: she is not a good fit, nobody is guilty of being evil, it is OK to feel hurt and confused, and you are free to move on. If you accept those truths then you'll be back in charge of yourself instead of this incident being in the driver's seat.

I understood. I was never given a chance to explain. Irony is she wrote something in her blog like "NO PERSON IS BAD OR HARMFUL AND EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE" writing a story about a convict who got released from prison after he was charged for stealing a bike. Well now am so scared to trust any women  it took me 8 long months to build trust with her which now got damaged in one moment.

[moglow]

With any apology, all we can do is offer it and carry on - what the other person does with it isn't really ours to decide. Sometimes it takes time for the emotions to die down and give someone time to think think things through. Following that through with another comment along the same line may have felt like more pushing, when she didn't want to discuss it further.

I'm not really sure you owed her all these apologies and explanations, to be honest. You said something she didn't care for, she called you on it and failed to explain her own reaction. It may be that your comment didn't cause the offense you think, there could well have been other things going on and that was a distraction she didn't need. Regardless, at some point we have to set it down and let it be.

That said, showing up uninvited [and possibly unexpected?] was probably not the best idea, particularly under the circumstances. While I understand your need to express your sincere apology for having presumably caused offense, that may have crossed a huge line for her [it would have for me]. Even more so considering you'd never met in person before. Having someone show up that way may have been a huge problem for her on several levels.

Her backing away and limiting conversation doesn't mean she "hates" you. It may just be time for you to respect her choices and accept that this may not be the best situation for you to pursue.

[Lonewolf]

That said, showing up uninvited [and possibly unexpected?] was probably not the best idea, particularly under the circumstances. While I understand your need to express your sincere apology for having presumably caused offense, that may have crossed a huge line for her [it would have for me]. Even more so considering you'd never met in person before. Having someone show up that way may have been a huge problem for her on several levels.

Her backing away and limiting conversation doesn't mean she "hates" you. It may just be time for you to respect her choices and accept that this may not be the best situation for you to pursue.

Well She "Ghosted me" that's why showed up on person. Well that's wrong but i just needed a closure. When you want to cut off someone from your life just be clear "that's all i ask for"

Instead of those silent treatments she could have said I don't feel like talking to you right now. Just leave this as it is. But she didn't.

Now anyway i have no option but to leave everything. Those lovebombs that she threw was unnecessary i feel. Now she knows to keep away and be silent well i wish she did that early. Well when she knew comments were public why to share it with me even after the incident was my question? To test me?

Honestly i felt this to be manipulative in all levels. Well if she dealt things like a adult. The day i apologized she could have said it clear. Not to text her anything until she feels fine. Whether or not she talks is a later question. And i am not just online buddy! I know her personally and have met her twice. We share same birthday i have gifted her in person.

Well yes my comment may not be only reason. Yes its her choice to limit the conversation. Now i don't feel anything with her. She knew i liked her so much. Hereafter when someone diplomatically says "okay" to my apology i will walk away.

The truth is she didn't forgive me in real. Just because few others irritated her asking random  questions?

Earlier she said "I review and approve comment" if that's the case how would this one come up without her reading and approving? Whatever.

Ghosting is never right and the silent treatment. We can argue at all level that "not everyone is same" but still i am devastated right from June till now.

When you decide to end things "Be specific" be clear is what I ask for. But what ever you said is right.

[moglow]

I know and Im sorry this has happened to you. It's hard when people dont/cant live up to what we feel is normal, acceptable treatment of others. When they don't have what it takes to address things simply, clearly and head on. I try to give them grace and understand that we all have "stuff" but it's not always easy.

Just try to remember to give yourself grace and understanding regardless of her/others, okay?

[Lonewolf]

Just try to remember to give yourself grace and understanding regardless of her/others, okay?

Yes sure i will. Even now i don't hate her 😊 I had the best time when she laughed with me and shared ideas. I just miss her. If i bad kept distance and not involved much things would have been better.

[pianissimo]

Lonewolf, you might have limerence over her. I recommend you to check that term out. I have limerence over certain people every once in a while, usually when I'm under too much stress, and I have limerence for parent figures or people who seem like saviors. 

To me, what you describe doesn't sound abusive. Not more abusive than average friendships or relationships. I know I feel hurt and abused in everyday relationships that seem easy for people. You are saying it was an online relationship. This makes judging the emotional abuse in the situation very hard, because there is already a physical boundary that protects both of you. Abuse happens when there is a lack of boundary. I suspect, perhaps your emotional boundary was crossed if you shared a lot about yourself and she didn't reciprocate. That can make you feel betrayed once the relationship gets disrupted. But, as already pointed out, it sounds like you also crossed a boundary by going to meet her. You are saying that was because she ghosted you, but, if that's the case, that communicates distance. So, you did the opposite of what her action demanded to feel better about the situation in some way.

The personality traits you mention about her don't seem so particular to me. There is a yellow flag for flirting because it can be manipulative like being "fake nice". Your other observations seem a bit too invasive for the capacity you know her. For example, you mention some of her personal boundaries as personality disorder traits. You are saying she hates criticism. For people with NPD, it's said they hate criticism because they throw actual tantrums that traumatise people around them when they are criticised. Also, nobody has to like criticism, it's possible she doesn't welcome yours, and, if that's the case, that would be her boundary. And, how would you know if she has issues with yours or with criticism in general? Well, if you spent time with her. For example, how does she take her mother's criticism, assuming she has a good relationship with her.

The other thing is, you are using the terminology of the narcissistic abuse, but they seem off to me. For example, "breaking no contact" is used when you break no contact with someone who is abusive to you, but, in your situation, she is the one who cut communication. "Walking on eggshells" is when we are afraid of an outburst that threatens our safety, so I don't understand why anybody would be walking on eggshells in an online communication. Also, I think "silent treatment" is used when silence is used in a punishing way to control other person's behaviour in some way, and this happens in family relationships the most often because family members depend on each other. I guess this can happen in any relationship, but, again, I can't imagine silent treatment being used as a manipulative tool in an online relationship. So, I guess, the depth of your relationship with this woman is not so apparent in your post, so I can't tell how any of these terms apply to your situation. Also, I don't trust myself with the terminology too, so I might be wrong as well. I check the toolbox every now and then to refresh my memory.

Here whether she has a personality disorder or not is irrelevant. It sounds like you can't figure out why you are in pain, and it feels like abuse to you. I think it's great that you have a therapist. Your therapist can help you go through the pain you feel. Once you can make sense of what happened to you, you might find healthier relationships and avoid people like this woman.

I apologize if this post is invalidating in some way. I sometimes share my experience that come across less severe than it actually is. I think it's hard to describe what is really going on in any situation in writing. Perhaps this woman has done a lot of things on purpose even with somewhat limited contact she had with you, or perhaps in some ways, your relationship had more depth than you could put in writing. Either case, I hope you recover from this experience and move on to healthier relationships.

[Lonewolf]

Lonewolf, you might have limerence over her. I recommend you to check that term out. I have limerence over certain people every once in a while, usually when I'm under too much stress, and I have limerence for parent figures or people who seem like saviors. 

Yes I checked it.! Totally relatable.

To me, what you describe doesn't sound abusive. Not more abusive than average friendships or relationships. I know I feel hurt and abused in everyday relationships that seem easy for people. You are saying it was an online relationship. This makes judging the emotional abuse in the situation very hard, because there is already a physical boundary that protects both of you. Abuse happens when there is a lack of boundary. I suspect, perhaps your emotional boundary was crossed if you shared a lot about yourself and she didn't reciprocate. That can make you feel betrayed once the relationship gets disrupted. But, as already pointed out, it sounds like you also crossed a boundary by going to meet her. You are saying that was because she ghosted you, but, if that's the case, that communicates distance. So, you did the opposite of what her action demanded to feel better about the situation in some way.

Yes it's not abusive its irresponsible.! When you spend 8 months day and night chatting and flirting with a guy (We met once in-between in the month of march to give her the gift I bought for her) so it was not some totally online friendship. May be meeting her uninformed way is wrong, stressful to her. But had she said something clearly like "I dont feel like talking to you now" or something like "I wanna talk to you in person" and then ended this. It's fine. Yes she heard everything about me and used it against me to bitch about me to my mother who also knows her and talks to her often.

The personality traits you mention about her don't seem so particular to me. There is a yellow flag for flirting because it can be manipulative like being "fake nice". Your other observations seem a bit too invasive for the capacity you know her. For example, you mention some of her personal boundaries as personality disorder traits. You are saying she hates criticism. For people with NPD, it's said they hate criticism because they throw actual tantrums that traumatise people around them when they are criticised. Also, nobody has to like criticism, it's possible she doesn't welcome yours, and, if that's the case, that would be her boundary. And, how would you know if she has issues with yours or with criticism in general? Well, if you spent time with her. For example, how does she take her mother's criticism, assuming she has a good relationship with her.

She lost her parents and she has only her sibling? She argued with me when I earlier made a review on her blog. When i praise her she is happy when I say something against her she is angry! and if you project yourself in public you are putting yourself for a critic. Blog post are not private diary where you can write everything you like and none gets to know. As a reader I spend my precious time to read what she wrote and if my opinions are not welcomed why to share the blog link with me? and flirting with me was cheap when you had no interest to continue with me even as a friend. well I dont mean she should marry me for that. Well she will flirt when she is happy and dump me when she is mad? what am i? a toy?

The other thing is, you are using the terminology of the narcissistic abuse, but they seem off to me. For example, "breaking no contact" is used when you break no contact with someone who is abusive to you, but, in your situation, she is the one who cut communication. "Walking on eggshells" is when we are afraid of an outburst that threatens our safety, so I don't understand why anybody would be walking on eggshells in an online communication.

Walking on eggshells is being careful with someone well its nowhere mentioned that it is a word which can be used only for real time friendship and BTW we work in different place and I cant meet her as often as I like.

Also, I think "silent treatment" is used when silence is used in a punishing way to control other person's behaviour in some way, and this happens in family relationships the most often because family members depend on each other. I guess this can happen in any relationship, but, again, I can't imagine silent treatment being used as a manipulative tool in an online relationship. So, I guess, the depth of your relationship with this woman is not so apparent in your post, so I can't tell how any of these terms apply to your situation. Also, I don't trust myself with the terminology too, so I might be wrong as well. I check the toolbox every now and then to refresh my memory.

Well honestly Silent treatment in any relationship by any means is a torture and she admitted in her voice note that she didn't talk to punish me for commenting. She sent a 5 minute audio note complaining about me to my mother  and she was like "I was not the one who talks daily but it was him who talks often I just use to listen" Well yet again silent treatment is when you wait for a reply and you are simply ignored but you get text messages via broadcast. You dont get blocked or scolded. all your messages will be just seen and occasionally replied. So its no only for people who meet face to face.

Here whether she has a personality disorder or not is irrelevant. It sounds like you can't figure out why you are in pain, and it feels like abuse to you. I think it's great that you have a therapist. Your therapist can help you go through the pain you feel. Once you can make sense of what happened to you, you might find healthier relationships and avoid people like this woman.

I apologize if this post is invalidating in some way. I sometimes share my experience that come across less severe than it actually is. I think it's hard to describe what is really going on in any situation in writing. Perhaps this woman has done a lot of things on purpose even with somewhat limited contact she had with you, or perhaps in some ways, your relationship had more depth than you could put in writing. Either case, I hope you recover from this experience and move on to healthier relationships.

She was 10 years elder to me. A single unmarried women flirting with a younger guy in purpose just like to seek attention, validation and admiration sounds very manipulative. If she was formal and in her limits I would not barg about this. She gladly accepted my birthday gifts and now not even giving me a chance to explain myself makes me feel lesser. Well it was she who insisted me to give number when we met and it was she who was curious texting me. I have other female friends who talk to me but this one is the worst who sucked my energy. Well if you wanna end things you should be bold enough to do it. Leaving things open ended makes you feel like a fool.

Thank you for patiently reading this. Much appreciated.