why do I break NC

[Jolie40]

posted that I wasn't going to break NC & call GC
I did break NC & started calling again

things were going ok until GC started getting "bossy" with me
it's like she's a carbon copy of PD parent who was always bossy with me

not going to call for 2 mos or maybe longer cause don't need the stress

no one has my cell number except husband so she can't call me
I'll wait until I feel strong enough to engage again

[Starboard Song]

Near miss!

Just keep yourself safe, ensuring limited communications channels. You're going to be OK.

[Srcyu]

She is a carbon copy, that's why she is the golden child. She won't change, just like the parent.

Breaking no contact is fuelled by hope and need and sometimes duty. I almost broke it only once.

[guitarman]

I have been no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for three years. I feel so guilty about not contacting her to see how she is. She used to frequently claim that she had life threatening illnesses. However I know that I would only get back on her emotional rollercoaster with her if I did contact her and nothing would have changed.

I miss the calm, happy person that she could sometimes be and all the love bombing but I don't miss the aggressive, abusive, raging person that she often displayed.

I wish her well from afar. I care but can't cope. 

I am left with all the unresolved trauma living in my head. I know that I can't ever change my sister and that I can only change myself. My sister is never going to change as she has no insight into her abusive behaviour towards everyone in our family. If she did she wouldn't be so abusive in the first place.

[pianissimo]

Thanks for this thread. I feel like contacting my mother these days. I talked to my father about her the other day, and I was watching videos about BPD. Some traits reminded me of her. I could help her out but I'm too afraid she will take the call an opportunity to invade my life. I think that she would.  It's so strange. I'm a mixture of a lost child and a scapegoat to her. I can't make sense of her love for me. I can't tell whether she was horrible or loving to me anymore. At this point, I'm consciously aware she views me as a thing. I noticed that she is doing things she thinks she's supposed to do as a mother. But, reading some posts in this forum, I sometimes wonder if she wasn't as bad as I imagine her to be. But, probably I forgot the bad things (there were messed up things she did). At this point, I don't care about love etc. It would be great if she was doing OK. My fear for her (and of her) also makes me feel helpless, that I can't help her when I actually can. I'm at this point I have the means to help her, but I still can't. This urge to help her and being overwhelmed with her needs is something I've felt in relation to my mother since my childhood. Anyways, it's good that someone has already opened a thread in case I feel like checking on my mother.

[Jolie40]

I feel like contacting my mother these days. I'm a mixture of a lost child and a scapegoat to her. I can't make sense of her love for me. I can't tell whether she was horrible or loving to me anymore.

it's definitely a tough decision

phone conversations replay in my brain
sometimes they don't seem so bad but other times it's "how dare you boss me around"
"eventually" I'll call again but not anytime soon

the power is in our hands

[moglow]

Jolie, can you separate it, compartmentalize that relationship if you will? Maybe accept what you're willing to with your sis and find ways around the bossy? I've had to learn how to take what I need and leave the rest. Not taking things personally is hard for me at times, but nothing like it was even six months ago. The distance has really helped me separate myself from the ugly stuff, realize it's not mine unless I agree to take it on.

[Jolie40]

Jolie, can you separate it, compartmentalize that relationship if you will? Maybe accept what you're willing to with your sis and find ways around the bossy? I've had to learn how to take what I need and leave the rest.

so I said that I'm not going to call for a while & I won't

the thing is this sibling was always my fav as she was born when I was a teen & I got attached to her
but she (GC) has changed since she was that sweet little girl

when she's not nice to me , it hurts me
I always treated her special when we were growing up.....reading stories to her, braiding her hair, taking her to the playground....those "fun times" are still a part of me

so I still "see" that little girl & wish for her to be that way again
it comes through "sometimes" which is why I broke NC

[Srcyu]

You seem to have answered your own question about no contact.
My view, based on my own opinion, is that no contact keeps being broken until the final straw is reached.
Then and only then, does the contact completely cease.

[mary_poppins]

The question is familiar to me. I'd almost always break NC with a PD sibling because deep down I really wanna make it work with them. Not having a normal relationship with any of my brothers breaks my heart and puts me into a depressive state.
My very PD brother (with sociopathic tendencies) is also a carbon copy of my PD mother. Unfortunately if they are like that, there's not much hope to have any kind of relationship with them. Yes, they are bossy because they think themselves as superior to us (see how their mindset mirrors the PD parents's mindset?) and need to give us instructions on how to behave/act/think/feel. It is disgusting. I saw my brother do that to me, my other brother and even my PD parents.
They cannot help it because they're deep into the trauma bond. So deep that they think mirroring the parent who abused them the most is a natural thing to do (even beneficial for their survival).

Pete Walker says recovery is messy. You take one step forward and two steps back. That's why we need to have patience with ourselves and give ourselves credit for even becoming aware of the family dynamics and limiting contact with the abusers. We are lucky in this regard because our GC/PD siblings don't even realize what the heck is going on with them.

[mary_poppins]

the thing is this sibling was always my fav as she was born when I was a teen & I got attached to her
but she (GC) has changed since she was that sweet little girl

when she's not nice to me , it hurts me
I always treated her special when we were growing up.....reading stories to her, braiding her hair, taking her to the playground....those "fun times" are still a part of me

so I still "see" that little girl & wish for her to be that way again
it comes through "sometimes" which is why I broke NC

I just read your comment now. Your experience with your sis mirrors mine with my brother with PD tendencies. we had great experiences together and for the most part, we manage to have a normal conversation without drama. However, he has so many fleas and Narc traits that i don't see us becoming the loving brother and sister duo for life. Limiting contact or going NC for a while might work for you.

I also talked about our conflicting relationship in a support group. It feels good to vent this frustration. Knowing that you can't get what you want from your sister (loving relationship) is something to be accepted. Think about where she is coming from and what you had to put up with growing up. I never heard any of my support group members with toxic siblings have loving relationships with them. I think it's a nice fantasy to have but, in the end, it's all in our minds.

[moglow]

Hey Jolie - I guess I wasn't very clear and I'm sorry if it came across badly. I wondered if you can compartmentalize and hopefully ignore the bossy stuff, and enjoy the "other" her? Maybe refocus on the things that bring you both joy and warmth, tune out the things that hurt and that you can't change. It's not easy I know, but maybe you can find some balance with her so you don't lose your sister?

[Jolie40]

Maybe refocus on the things that bring you both joy and warmth, tune out the things that hurt and that you can't change. It's not easy I know, but maybe you can find some balance with her so you don't lose your sister?

I'll try, thanks!

maybe, as soon as she starts in on me, I need to find an excuse to hang up
then I won't be "ruminating" on the conversation
it's best if we just talk about our kids & their activities.....I'm not good at handling it when she suddenly "attacks" me for no reason......I'm a sensitive person so things bother me more

I also need to only call on a day that I have high confidence

thanks, moglow
thanks to other posters for replies, also

[Jolie40]

Yes, they are bossy because they think themselves as superior to us (see how their mindset mirrors the PD parents's mindset?) and need to give us instructions on how to behave/act/think/feel.

never thought of that but I do believe she sees herself as much better than me
her FB posts make her kids/family look "perfect"

even though she was GC, I'm sure she didn't come out of our childhood w/o scars, also

the BIG difference between us is that I know PD parent & enabler were horrible parents
since she was GC & spoiled by parents, she "sees" them as "perfect" parents

[moglow]

I get ya. I had to do the same with mommie dearest, only there was so little good in it that stepping away entirely was best for me. I learned to talk with her only when I was rested, level, not stressed, never when I was sick or feeling "less than." With md there eventually just wasn't any safe area and I didn't have it to give her anymore.
Separating from the attacks isn't easy - I try and remember that we all have stuff, but that doesn't make me responsible for their lack of control or the affects of it. I get to choose what I do with it, ya know?

[Big Bear]

Jolie,

I understand how hard it can be with siblings.  For years I was hoping to repair the bridge between myself and my sister.  I would reach out, but each attempt seemed to fall flat.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  Maybe it was me, maybe I just hadn't tried hard enough.  I would call or write but she would almost never reciprocate. 

Then I learned that she is a grandiose narc PD.  It was a light bulb moment when I realized this.  So many things started to make sense.  When I succeeded she felt bitterness and envy.  When I made a mistake she would look down on me with contempt.  I couldn't win either way.  I realized that I could never fix her or change any of her deep-seated insecurity that fueled her narc behavior.  However, even after I realized this it was hard for me to let go of my hopes for a better connection.  That's what this is really about - HOPE - that just maybe she would change.  However, with narcs or GCs, they rarely change.  It took me years to finally accept this.  The last straw was when she planned a vacation and invited our parents and all of the siblings - except me.  Of course, I eventually heard about the planned vacation, but not from her.  I began to realize that she was projecting her narc insecurities on me and had secretly decided that I would be the scapegoat of the family.  After that I was finally able to drop the rope.

I am now VLC with her.  I no longer initiate contact, I just quietly wait for her to contact me.  This just validated that I was in a narc discard phase in her mind.  I had seen her do it to others - just start pretending like they didn't exist - it was weird.  Then I realized that she had put me in her narc discard pile.  It was hard, but healthy for me to realize this truth.  Now it has been almost five years without any in-person interaction or visits.  It has been almost one year without any interaction at all.  I am enjoying the peace.

However, I still have my memories of our childhood.  She was my younger sibling, like yours, and I did so much to help her growing up.  I still have so many happy memories of my siblings when we were children.  That just makes it harder that I lost her to her narc disease.  However, I have peace now.  Life is better without the turmoil.

Blessings and I hope the best for you in your journey.

Big Bear

[sandpiper]

I think we just forget and some part of us deep down lives in hope that they'll see the light and do the work to change.
It doesn't happen.
I find myself coming back to these boards at this time of year. It's hard to see friends enjoying their families and it makes me start to doubt myself and think 'is it really that bad, or was it just me being overly sensitive with the PTSD?'
then I read all of your stories and think 'Oh yeah, that's right, there was all this stuff.'
And I remind myself to be thankful for what I've found here and to try to detach with love from all the destructive, toxic, chaotic, horrible stuff from my FOO.