confused experiences re-emerging 6 months after re-committing to relationship

spunout21 · November 05, 2022, 03:54:16 PM

Hi all, just feeling

and turning to this forum for alliance I suppose. For one year I separated from my uBPD partner of 23 years yet for a multitude of complex and tricky reasons agreed in the end 6 months ago to try and forge a new version of the relationship. A painful decision that I am doing my best to accept and embrace. We went to relationship counselling yesterday (first appointment in 5 months) and I was actually feeling heartened and buoyed by the experience, even inspired and more positive about our capacity to grow and shed old patterns than ever. Partner on the other hand, said he came away tired and that he didn't take any of it in (same every time we go to counselling).

I'm concerned that some of the gaslighting behaviours that had reduced significantly lately are starting to re-emerge and I am wanting to call him out on it, yet just feeling so sad, down and disheartened to be feeling these old feelings again so powerfully, especially after the counselling session. For instance last night he drove 20km from the place he took our 15yo daughter for dinner, to 'find me' (I was out with my friend for dinner) and do a drive by shout out, by asking my daughter to yell out to me from the car, then telling her to deny that it was her. When I got home, he said they had stayed home all night. My daughter however told me that they went out for dessert (20km away) and then went looking for me, only to drive past, then go home. She indicated she was not meant to tell me and she was giggling like it was a special secret joke with her dad. For his part, I find this so weird and creepy. When I confronted him and asked him why he did that, he said "to confuse you". I stated that I thought that was sad that he would spend his time with his daughter looking for me. He told me "why do you have to overreact, you're totally overreacting" and went to bed without another word. 3 weeks ago, I was out at night markets with him and daughter and her friend after taking him out for dinner to celebrate his work achievement. I lost them when I got caught up at a stall and they had moved on, and I called him again to find out where they were when I couldn't see them in place he said they were. I called and called him, and then my daughter,with no response. As I walked slowly back, I found them at a nearby stall. He said he had got my calls, but did not answer his phone because he was just was enjoying watching me look lost. He said "I was watching you that whole time". When I asked him why he did not answer my calls, he said "because we were just here". Later I asked my daughter if she had seen that I was calling her that night. She said "No, but Dad did". I am worried he is modelling to our kids that this behaviour is just fun and should be seen as such. Am I overreacting? He thought he'd tease me is what I am guessing he was getting at, yet it just made me shudder. And I now sadly see my son has started to get fleas with some of this kind of incongruent and misleading behaviour e.g say one thing, and then deny it the next second. I need to now respond to this with my kids in a tactful way so they can learn about trust and importance of congruence in relationships. Part of me wants to take these occurrences as small incidents that are his attempts to be funny or tease - and not jump to conclusions about motive - yet my friends' reaction was much stronger, she was saying that it was stalking behaviour, not normal and asking me if I am okay. I am dismayed and wonder if there are any suggestions on how to handle these occurrences of gaslighting as they come up to help him learn how what he does feels to other people. Maybe he really does have no idea....

Srcyu · November 05, 2022, 07:38:07 PM

I would say that he doesn't care how his behaviour feels to other people. It amuses him. It puts him in control. It makes him feel superior.
His reaction to the counselling session proves that he did not want to hear what someone else thinks and he has no desire to change.

The question is why.

It's a type of bullying and he does it to 'keep you in your place.' All the better for him if he can drag your children into it. He responded with, ' you are over-reacting' because you made him feel embarrassed by exposing what he had done. It's childish and manipulative and he doesn't want to own up to that.
He will do it again because he just can't help himself.

notrightinthehead · November 06, 2022, 01:43:55 AM

What he did at the night market was outright cruel. You are being abused. I strongly recommend you read the book "Why does he do that? by Bancroft. You might find that you are being abused and controlled in a variety of methods. Seems to me that your husband is keeping you in a state of confusion and fear. It's not easy to think clearly when you are in such a state. Please study the Toolbox for strategies to better protect yourself, be open about his behaviours to trustworthy people, keep a record of the behaviours, just the facts, dates, what happened - maybe even your kids since he seems to encourage them to treat you like that. Get outside help, in the form of a therapist, support group, for yourself only.
Learn to set clear and strict boundaries with your kids. Role model healthy behaviour for them. And please, please do not lie to yourself. You are in an abusive relationship.

square · November 06, 2022, 05:28:48 PM

Hi,

You've posted in Committed to Working on It. My suggestions:

1) Let go of the idea of getting through to him that his behavior is unacceptable, is hurting you, etc. This stuff is either learned by around Kindergarten or not at all. The issue isn't that nobody explained it to him. The issue is that he's okay with his behaviors.

2) His behavior strikes me as actively predatory, so I would be careful not to give him information that he can use against you, including when his behaviors have found their mark. If you are feeling hurt and confused, those were his admitted goals, in his own words, so to tell him something hurt and confused you will fill him with satisfaction and he will note how to do it again.

3) In the case of the restaurant drive by, I would either not mention my discovery at all, or mention it lightly to display that I am not oblivious, but neither downplay it nor show upset. The tone would be a silent "wow that's really messed up but whatever."

4) In the case of the outing, I would consistently make future plans to reduce my vulnerabilities and dependence (such as driving or meeting him there, retaining the car keys, etc.) and refuse to display any reaction to future stunts. Now you know that he enjoys watching you panic and proactively creates and prolongs panic situations. Next time he "disappears," remember that he has an admitted enjoyment of it and refuse to engage. Don't call him. Don't look for him. Keep looking at the stalls, even if you're worried and have to fake it. You could text him "I'll be at X for a while" but don't ask him to meet you or tell you where he is (he will make sure to not).Be prepared it may be a while and be okay making yourself comfortable (get something to eat, sit down, play a game on your phone, etc.). There's a lot more ways you could play that situation but the point is to not get upset, not JADE, when he yells at you for not being at whatever location you can just say you looked and figured he'd find you, oh well.

spunout21 · November 07, 2022, 05:30:28 AM

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and considered responses and for taking the time to read my post. So appreciative of your support.

Windmill, thanks for your understanding. I really question the 'why' for his behaviour too. It just doesn't add up when I think would 90% of people do this for fun? Yet he writes it off as fun and makes out I have no sense of fun and yells at me that I'm not listening to him. I've taken to writing down all these incidents from now on to keep perspective.

NotRightinTheHead I have noted the book you suggest and will try to get hold of it. This time, I have tried to keep to the facts as much as possible when attempting to talk with him about the situation however even thought I stuck to the facts and only asked him to give me more understanding re. how the misleading behaviour and attempt to confuse was "fun", he got angry and turned it around to accuse me of being unreasonable, and controlling and saying he might as well pack his bags, since he is worth nothing and put words in my mouth saying I'm accusing him of stalking, telling me this is "serious allegation". I did not mention that word at all. IN fact, all I did was ask him to explain how it was fun since I did not relate at all. When he escalated I stuck to the facts and kept my emotions even. I'm so proud of myself for that this time!! Thanks again.

Square: Thanks for your suggestions and for breaking it down like that. It feels so counterintuitive to not actively work on a problem and try increasing his perception of his impact on others. It seems counterintuitive to not call him on it and not state that its not okay, yet I think you are all right - he is not interested in the impact he has on me or the kids, not unless it benefits him to be interested. I'll try out your suggestions and see what happens. For now I have taken your advice and decided not to pursue the driveby incident anymore since when I tried to raise it he implied I am trying to control him and that I don't trust him by suggesting it was weird to do that. He has stonewalled me since Sat night because I asked him to explain why it was fun and he refused to explain repeatedly saying that he just told me, and I don't listen. I said I just want to understand by hearing what about it makes it fun for him, asking him if he was just wanting to tease me, and he said "You still not listening" and then acted out angrily to all of us including the dogs. Now he is over himself and acting like nothing happened, in a good mood and trying to do nice things for me again. THanks for the advice. I'll keep it all in mind.

Srcyu · November 07, 2022, 07:59:41 AM

He is projecting when he says you are trying to control him and that you don't trust him. Projecting, sometimes it's so simple it's mind boggling.

escapingman · November 07, 2022, 09:49:32 AM

Just something to bare in mind, you returned to the relationship after a year separated. He likely sees that as a major victory and that he has got you were he wants you to so now he think he can treat you even worse than before.

Stay strong.

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · November 07, 2022, 06:27:13 PM

I agree with all the prior posts - his behavior is abusive , with the purpose of unsettling you. Very creepy as you mentioned.

I'm glad you reached out here. I have found people's responses to my posts so helpful to me - it reminds me of the tools to use and how to stay myself with the PD.