Wedding in 8 weeks

[Kaz1956]

My niece is getting married in 8 weeks. Her mother, my uNPD sister is a very unsafe person for me to be around. In face we have been NC for 11 years. My niece who inevitably has had and still has difficulties with her M asked myself, husband and my 3 adult children and partners to come to the wedding. No other family from her mothers side are invited. My niece has stayed connected to my family despite her parents which I think is to her credit.
I told my niece that her M would likely have an issue with me coming so would it be better for her if I didn't attend as nothing should detract from her big day. She said that it mattered enormously to her that I be there, so I honoured that and agreed to go.
At first I was quite calm about going but as it's gotten closer I find that I'm quite anxious, sleeping less well and needing to talk protective strategies over with my husband. He says my family will be quietly protecting me but I'm not reassured.
I guess I'm looking for your thoughts on how to get into the right mind space for this encounter.

Many thanks 😊

[Big Bear]

Greetings Kaz,

It sounds like that would be such a difficult situation to be in.  I have an uNPD sister and I could imagine how challenging this could be for you.  I recently survived a funeral on the other side of the family with plenty of PD undercurrents.  I grey-rocked and medium chilled my way through it.  Once I left the funeral I felt such an enormous sense of relief!  Family events can be challenging to navigate.  On the other hand, kudos to you for staying close to your niece.  After a rough start to her life she will need some trustworthy adults to be there for her.  What she said about your presence at the wedding speaks to how she views you in a positive light.   

I was thinking through your situation today and I hope this helps some.  I would encourage you to consider the three possible outcomes at the wedding and plan for each one.  Hopefully this would help it seem easier to manage.  I would expect this may not solve all of the anxiety, but it could at least help to see how each outcome has a silver lining.

Option 1: Your sister ignores you.  This would be the easiest outcome.  You just get to show up, cheer on your niece, offer her your best wishes and go home!   

Option 2: Your sister walks up and tries to talk to you.  This could be more challenging to deal with.  Make sure that your husband or adult children are by your side at all times in case this happens.  Keep your cool, relax and keep it casual.  Pretend that you are talking to someone while waiting at a bus stop or in line at the grocery store.  "So, what do you think about the weather?"  I would encourage you to read the sections in the toolbox tab of this website about grey-rock and medium chill, they are under the "what to do" section under "toolbox".  These have helped me so much in dealing with the PDs in my life.  I have read and re-read these sections so much that I have lost track of how many times I have gone back!  Remember to keep it light and casual: weather, local news, sports teams and other casual topics.  If you can successfully medium chill this event, congrats!  You got to support your niece and hold your cool!     

Option 3: Your sister walks up to you and starts to make a scene.  I suspect that the possibility of this option is what you are concerned about.  I don't know the details of your situation so I won't guess how likely option 3 could be, but as long as you have a plan in place, even option 3 could be managed.  If she starts to raise her voice, insists on bringing up a particular topic, or does or says anything that makes you feel unsafe, step away from the situation right away.  "Excuse me, I need to go to my car now."  Then immediately leave the room with your husband.  Don't explain anything, just walk away.  You have the complete freedom to leave the wedding at any time for any reason, or even for no reason at all!  What really matters is that you made an honest effort to be present.  Even if this happens, it would be a major victory for you.  How?  How could it be a victory to show up and leave early?  Good question.  Because you modeled for your niece what a healthy boundary looks like!  You showed that when a situation is unsafe, you have the power and freedom to step away from the situation!  What a powerful message!  In one sense, option 3 could be the biggest victory of all!  It shows that you had the courage to attend the wedding, made a good faith attempt to support your niece, AND got to demonstrate how to live out a healthy boundary!   

So, no matter what happens this wedding could be a victory.  I'm not saying its going to be easy, it may well be challenging.  But, you can turn any of the 3 outcomes into a victory.  Stay strong!  Depend on your support network and stay healthy.  I hope all the best for you.

all the best,
Big Bear

[Srcyu]

You have a lot of your own family going along with you so that's a good start.

Eleven years is a long time, that's  a  serious amount of  no contact. I know from experience that your sister will be expecting you to behave in the same way that you did over a decade ago. You won't of course. You're older and wiser now and you can see your sister for what she really is.
Again from experience, she will probably attempt to interact with you in the same way that she always used to do.

That is the point when everything that used to happen - ends.
She is in for a surprise if she tries to approach you now, surrounded by your protective family.  Be gracious and distant towards her if you can't avoid her completely. Your life is none of her business. She no longer matters to you. She is an irritating blast from the past. Make sure she stays there.

[Kaz1956]

Thanks so much for your replies. Both so very helpful. My sister is like my mother, also uNPD, more covert than overt so her style is propaganda's, lies, recruiting others, shunning and shaming. I'm likely to find she'll avoid me but others behaviour will tell the story of her campaign of propaganda. My niece's 21st party 11 years ago was the moment I went NC after an evening of being shunned by people who had formerly been friendly. It's hard to keep your game face on when confronted by this scenario. Still I'm more than grateful for your advice and I've still got time to prepare. Heartfelt thanKs

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I had a similar situation a few years ago with my nephew's wedding and my sister. You asked about getting into the right mindset. I want to recommend just keeping your focus on what is best for you, your needs for equilibrium, your feelings of peace. What others think, say or do has nothing to do with you. 
     
I agree with what Big Bear posted on three likely outcomes. For me, option 3 happened. I planned to remain low profile and leave early. However, at the reception my sister stirred drama by triangulating with relatives and she brought them all over to my table and they began blaming and shaming me as I sat there like I was up against a firing line. They said I ruined the wedding. I was appalled but remained silent and just grabbed my purse and walked out careful to show no emotion. I knew anything I responded with would be mocked and laughed at. It was liberating. However, my sincere intention to just support my nephew I think went unrecognized. Nobody reached out to me after that. I am NC for five years. It is however one of the events I am most proud of. As Big Bear also said, I see it as a huge win. I am unsure if anyone sees me as modelling healthy boundaries, but I proved to myself that I can withstand the harshest scenario and remain strong. It was a confidence boost. I have no regrets about attending or about how I handled the situation I was presented.     

I am glad you are able to have a relationship with your niece independent from your sister/her mother. I think whether you do or do not attend is alright. If you attend, you likely have well-earned tools you can engage to maintain your boundaries as needed. Whatever you decide, I believe your peace of mind and wellbeing are most important.

[nanotech]

I'd chosen to go and it wasn't out of obligation. I've sort of been through this recently. Two essential family functions with UNPD sister and brother there. Sister is a covert offender. M Brother is more of a  triangulator/ keyboard warrior. He never does anything face to face. He no longer has our BPD mum to work his 'magic' though. Once mum had passed, he tried to enlist one of my adult children in order to continue the triangulating behaviour. I'm Out of the FOG for several years now and my kids understand all about the dynamics, so that  backfired on him.

I'm about 5 years NC with older sis and him.
The first ( big birthday bash ) wasn't too bad, as unpdsis was so surprised that I'd attended that she seemed to be on best behaviour. She did bring up the fact that 'we've fallen out', followed by some blatant  lovebombing, which I medium chilled and moved the convo on from. I could see her lovebombing was geared to trying to elicit an apology from me. I remained polite but maintained my boundaries emotionally. I also then moved away from her physically. This is her usual ploy. The lovebombing to soften, would always precede a return to her PD abuse. At least I'm able to recognise it now and nip it in the bud.
At the event  I spent a lot of time on the dance floor, literally becoming a moving target! 
At this party  there were people I'd not met before, and also some extended family from another part of the country. They are non PDs. They were my safer spaces. At no time did I obviously avoid my sis.  I just mingled a lot!  PDs have to behave more neutrally around those who aren't also in the family 'cult'! It does dilute the toxicity, and I felt it protecting me!  If they resort to more subtle means of criticism, ( Jerry wise calls it 'pinging' us) just ignore them. Be non reactive. Be calm. Show NO shame in your responses. Show NO hurt, show no resentment either. Move away. Move on. Smile!
Remember that everyone is there to enjoy themselves and you and your sister's relationship may not be as much on their mind as you think. Really!
Try to mingle more in the safer spaces and keep moving round!  Don't allow yourself to become a sitting target. You're not obliged to stay in any conversation you don't feel comfortable in. You are in no way there to explain yourself!  Move away or change the subject, include non of people in your chat, and keep the topics generic / light! 

While you're floating like a butterfly, you're stinging like a bee!
There are also some happy lovely non involved, non pd staff there that you can chat to! 

I also ( whoops) took a leaf out of the narcissist's book by walking in smiling and  friendly, and seemingly without a care in the world.  This felt great!

It's your family, you have a right to be at the event, sans any harassment/ shame!
No need to explain a thing-  it's straight from the narcissist's handbook.
In my family, devaluing and discard would be followed by  a sudden cheery phonecall with no mention of the perilous unpleasantness- an effective denial that it had ever happened. There was an unspoken and ingrained expectation that my role in the family was to absorb this abuse, don't question or mention it, and then after some time, ( often with Bpd mum it was three days. With UNPDsister it was usually a few months) I just had to be be grateful that they had had resumed 'normal' relations.  Come to think of it, UNPD sis's extended periods of silent treatment were always far longer than my BPD mum's.  With her, I also usually had to send an olive branch first. It was expected and waited for.

Rage? What rage? 


So for these events I was like -
NC? What NC? 



They were completely confused. 

Even though our NC is a boundary, they view it as a kind of rage. They don't understand boundaries. My sister said as much to me as I began to withdraw from her. My talk to her about the need for boundaries in our relationship, was roundly mocked. That was my last attempt to change her. I just put my boundaries in place, beginning with removing her from my social media.
Go in with your boundaries up yes, but be  highly comfortable and confident, not giving off any fear, obligation or guilt!  It's highly confusing to them!  It can be done! I found this approach caused far less conflict. But of course, take only what you need from my words, if anything. Hope it helps!  Sorry if it is stuff you know already, or if you feel it won't apply to your context.
Good luck and hopefully you will enjoy the day! 

The second  event hmmm I think Unpdsis was starting to warm back up to past behaviour a little.  At this event, a funeral, I was by nature of the day a bit more 'accessible' to her. She managed to slip in a sneaky insult. Just one. It was an attempt to shame me in front of other family members.  I used to be quite reactive to her, and I would in the past exhibit defensiveness and resentment. This would  play right into her hands and her eyes would dance with pleasure.  I would then let  this ruin the rest of my day, possibly my week.
But this time, I just politely put her right, and moved on with a different conversation that was generic, neutral, light. She can attempt to shame, but it's up to me whether I take on that shame. 

Buddhism quote-
When someone insults you, observe it, don't absorb it.

It's always all about the person doing the insulting. It's actually nothing to do with the person it's aimed at. It's actually still all about them!
Finally it's up to you whether you go or not. I'm in no way saying go - your call.  I've chosen non attendance over most family  get togethers ooh- for several years now.
It's really been a strengthening factor in terms of boundaries. 
I'm never going back to sit down family meals at restaurants.

I'm NC except for weddings/ funerals. 

Put yourself first, whatever you decide!

Have a look at Jerry Wise on you tube. He's brilliant.
Xx

[nanotech]

Just an amendment - should have said that I'm NC except for weddings, funerals And  this ONE time when I decided to attend my dads's 90th birthday bash, but mainly because the format was arranged just like a wedding, I knew there would be extra guests ti dilute the toxicity, and also I could duck and dive and float when and where required.
The food was buffet style so people were not fixed in one place. All of these things have an impact.
Xx

[Big Bear]

 

[Big Bear]

Blueberry Pancakes,

I am so sorry to hear how you were treated at your nephew's wedding.  What they did was wrong and no one should ever be treated that way.  Ever.   

Way to hold your ground and keep your cool.  That sounds like it must have been so difficult.  Way to take the high road and not stoop to their level.  It seems like they were totally baiting you, but that fish didn't bite!  High five!  It's not easy but you did the best you could in a difficult situation.



Stay strong! 

Big Bear

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Blueberry Pancakes,

I am so sorry to hear how you were treated at your nephew's wedding.  What they did was wrong and no one should ever be treated that way.  Ever.   

Thank you for your comments, Big Bear. It helps. I know I will not get such acknowledgement from those in that situation. I truly believe the PDs in my family used the wedding to spin up something for their own purposes. I wonder if that is common. By attending, I sort of knew what they might do and knew in advance how I would respond. I forgot to mention that earlier that day my brother-in-law walked up to me out of nowhere, grabbed my hand, pulled me in a corner getting close in my face demanding to know why I was not speaking to my sister. I had to put my hand on his chest to get physical space. i looked around the room and nobody noticed what just occurred. I felt assaulted. I gray rocked a response and walked away from him only to be faced with the second one shortly thereafter. I thought they behaved horribly, but it confirms my NC every time I think about it.

[Big Bear]

Blueberry Pancakes,

I am so sorry to hear how your BIL was so disrespectful and inappropriate.  Personal space is one of the most important boundaries for others to acknowledge.
What you describe was tragically but undeniably an assault.     Assault is not something to be taken lightly.  It is a complete disregard for the rights and dignity of another person.  Again, no one should be treated that way.  Ever.   

I don't understand what drives others to such egregious behaviors.  Even if they were mistreated in the past, that does not excuse the behavior.  We are all responsible for our own life choices and actions.  I hope that you are in a safe place now.

None of us chose to be a victim.  However, there is a choice that each one of us must make: to remain a victim or become a survivor.  When we walk away and establish healthy boundaries, we choose to become survivors.  I am a survivor.  I chose to be a survivor.  This is something that I had to intentionally choose.  Take care.  Stay safe.      

Big Bear

[Kaz1956]

For those kind enough to respond to my original post,  here is an update after the wedding two days ago. Four days before the wedding my out of town nephew asked if he could stay with us. He is the brides stepbrother and became my uNPD's stepson at age two. He had a miserable life with her and grew up with many issues. To his credit he has undertaken a lot of  therapy and these days has strong boundaries with my sister and his father, and is very independent and aware. He said he would not stay with his father & my sister as the chaos and craziness is too triggering for him. Of course he was welcome at our home. We had some good chats about how we both were feeling about the wedding I.e nervous but determined to show up in a positive way. I got to hear many of the lies being pedalled by my sister about me too. It was only what I had suspected and reinforced to me that she hadn't changed since our last contact.
Fast forward to the wedding day. My husband and I arrived early to set up the wedding cake I'd made. My brother in law showed up to do something also. He greeted us in the coldest possible way without completely ignoring us, so the tone had been set early.
At the actual wedding my sister and BIL ignored our existence my husband and and extended this to my pregnant daughter and her husband who they'd never met, and my other adult children and their partners. Their body language and energy communicated to stay away. Think no eye contact, turning their backs on us, avoiding any accidental contact etc.
After the helpful comments here, I'd decided to stay while I was enjoying it and felt safe. We circulated well and enjoyed the company of many of the guests, we danced and had several warm and caring moments with the bride and groom. The groom came to us later in the evening and shared that the brides parents were people he had to get on with, but he had seen what was going on and wanted us to know how much they both valued us and our family and wanted to stay connected to us.
I really took on board the earlier comments here that pointed out the value of being brave and showing up proudly for the right reasons and how this demonstrated to the couple that we were not intimidated. The cake I made was a hit and was delicious so I was happy they liked it.  I left before the end of the evening when it wouldn't be obvious that I'd gone.  My husband stayed a bit longer but I really wanted to go and have some time alone.
Walking the short distance to our hotel alone felt amazingly liberating. I had had the strongest feeling that I was seeing my sister for the last time and I was ok with that. I could have forced things by going up to her but my intuition told me that would only be playing into her hands and I'd end up hurt or humiliated or both.
I decided there was nothing at all the be gained as there is no ongoing relationship possible. My nephew had told me that she is a toxic influence in all of their lives that has to be managed and that his father is a weak enabler. Despite my niece and nephew asking him to be stronger he refuses saying he wants a quiet life. My nephew said the elephant in every room is my uBPD sisters mental health and that he can't see anything changing.
I've taken a day or so to settle down and decompress from it all. I felt quite oppressed by it all for many weeks prior. I will never allow myself to be in a similar situation again as despite being very self-aware and  stable myself for many years this was still very triggering for me. All I feel now is relief.
Anyway, once again my heartfelt thanks to this community for your kindness and thoughtful voices. 🙏❤️

[Srcyu]

Kaz1956,
I'm so glad that you were able to go to the wedding and that it worked out well for you.
Sometimes the good people outweigh the bad.

The enabler just wanting a quiet life - that sums it all up really.
I'm pleased that you feel relief now, you should also be feeling proud.

[NarcKiddo]

I didn't see your original post at the time, but I have read the thread, and your update. Thanks for coming back to report, and well done on how you handled it. I am sure your niece and her husband appreciate you attending the wedding so very much.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This sounds like a great outcome. It seems like it was a bit of Option 1 on Big Bears list combined with applying your own tools, inner guidance and life-skills.  Thank you, Kaz, for the update.
   
I think it is so great that the bride and groom met you warmly and expressed their desire to remain connected. You state you followed your intuition by not going up to your sister as you did not know what that might trigger, thereby effectively avoiding potential drama. Great. I think I may recognize feeling an oppressive weight you mention leading up the event though. Going into any event carrying that on your shoulders is not easy, and I am sure most would not understand. I hope now you can enjoy the relief and also continue to realize that sense of liberation you recognized. 

[Kaz1956]

Thanks Blueberry Pancakes for you reply and kind words of validation. It's an ongoing process I'm finding; initially I felt almost emotionless but also relieved that I'd survived the event in the best way I could. This gave way after a few days to a mixed feeling of fear and anger as I considered what new propaganda campaign would now be running against me and the injustice of past lies and the spin that would inevitably be put on my behaviour at the wedding. I know that anger masks pain and so have been mindfully sitting with it.
Today I'm feeling grief and loss and sadness at all that's been lost. I'm remembering my sweet little sister (9 years younger) and the times I protected her from raging out of control parents, I'm remembering how I'd take her shopping or to a concert. How she was my bridesmaid at age 15. I remember helping her to find land near me to get a home they could afford and how I was always available to help with her small children. I remember knowing how difficult she could be but believed that she would never turn on me. But she did.... I feel such sadness that she looks old and in poor health but worse that her child and stepchild just tolerate but can't love her and how she a 'problem' to be managed.  She is a carbon copy of my uNPD mother and due to that I can see the sad future that inevitably awaits her. It's all such a stupid sad loss for us all.
Out of 5 of us children, three have uPD's and two of us don't. I feel sad that we are the most tragic family anyone could have and the isolation that comes from having to be NC in order to survive myself.
I know I'll move through this and return to gratitude that I've survived and for the most part done well. That I have close and loving relationships and know I am loved and cared about. It's been the work of a lifetime to heal and manage CPTSD but that I DO manage every day. For now I'll be gentle on myself and let time do it's work ❤️

[nanotech]

Your younger sis reminds me of my older sis and I feel the same way about her life. Unfortunately my attempts to help always failed, and often led to my making myself vulnerable yet again to further abuse from her.
It's so sad 😞
Me and sis have so many shared experiences. Many of them happy. But I have to be no contact with her. Weddings/ funerals only. The last time I saw her was at a funeral where she behaved in an insensitive fashion to several family members, including me.  Even when she was politely pulled up on it by a younger family member, she insisted she was 'right' to criticise my personality.

But yes, you've done your best. They are where they are because they've chosen to remain in the fog.