Friend Controls Birthday Plans

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I have a friend who tries to make herself the center of attention whenever I invite her to do anything.  Lately, this has including my birthdays.  This year, she announced she would be bringing two  pies, and was crestfallen when I told her a cake had already been ordered.  Last year, she also announced she was bringing a pie, and I didn't buy a cake, which is what I would have preferred.  So this year I was determined to get a cake.  Not to mention that she knows how much I love cake!

Also, and maybe some of you who are women will be able to relate, but she knew I was trying to lose weight, as was she.  She didn't even finish her one piece of pie, and refused to let me wrap up a piece for her to take home.  No, I was left with the fattening food!

She also announced what time she would be arriving, and it's going to make for a very long day.  Nor did she want me to look at the film I chose; she said I'd already seen it, which is true, but I want to see it again.  Then we looked at a restaurant menu from which we, and several other people, will be ordering, and she said which appetizers we should order.

This issue is not the end of the world, but I am noticing more-and-more how she has to make every event center around her.   Another friend reminded me of how one time we had to walk and walk all over the neighborhood while this friend read all of the menus, looking for a place which suited her.  The fact that she was with three other people didn't seem to occur to her.

As I write this, I realize that I must start being more assertive with her.  My other friends in this group are much more easygoing, and we agree upon plans without conflict, because we are all willing to compromise.  This person just wants what SHE wants.   Generally, people will let you be the "birthday person," but that doesn't occur to her either.  I wish I had taken back to control today.  I had been prepared to say something about not having pie this year, but she didn't mention anything until today.  Last year, she asked me to pick out a pie; this year, I didn't even get that option! 

I guess having to be the center of attention and having to be in control are more classic N traits.

[notrightinthehead]

I tend to have friends like this too. They mean well but are so domineering. Congratulations, you stood up for yourself and told her you already ordered a cake. If she still brings a pie, or even two, you do not have to eat them!  In the last years  I have learned that I can throw excess food on the compost, if you don't have a compost find a way to get rid of food with as little guilt as possible. Just because someone drops food at your house doesn't mean you have to eat it.
I have learned to slow things down with friends like that and say, no that doesn't suit me. There was high anxiety in the beginning, now less so. When my friend forcefully pushed to get her will, I turned to another person and told them, I don't want to do this, are you ok if we do  Xyz? and that seemed to work. I had to be prepared for my friend to sulk a bit, I forced myself to endure this uncomfortable feeling. What also helps me, I go back to how I feel, monitor myself, and remove my attention from the friend. She might want to be the center of attention, but I am not making her my center.  Just because I was trained to be self sacrificing doesn't mean I have to continue this habit.
Please let us know how your birthday is going!

[countrygirl]

Hi Notrightinthehead,

Thank you for your reply!   As I've told you before, I love your user name;  it's a hoot!

Your advice is right-on.  I especially took to heart what you said about not making such people the center of your attention.  That is such a good way to look at it, and it's a good phrase too:  "She might want to be the center of attention, but I am not making her my center."

Having been trained to be self-sacrificing really resonants for me.  Not only was I raised to be that way by my family, but my church also trained me to self-sacrifice.  I think that it's good to be someone who thinks about other people, but it's not good to be walked all over by them.  Nor is it good for them--although they don't see it that way!

Thanks for saying it was good that I told her a cake had been ordered.  You know, I just can't imagine being like this woman.