Minimalism, Essentialism, and slow living

[Associate of Daniel]

I am so thankful that, due to the Covid pandemic lockdowns etc, my head has cleared a huge amount and I have been able to make significant changes to my work life, which now enable me to live a more streamlined and less chaotic life in general.

Along the way, I've been drawn to the subjects of minimalism, essentialism and slow living.

I think I've always been somewhat of an essentialist. I always been frugal.  I think I'm more "minimalish" than "minimalist" and I'm loving the slow living, although I wonder if I should find more things to fill my now freed up time a little more responsibly.  Screens are addictive, even if much of what I look at is about the above subjects!

Anyway, I'm interested to know what others here think of these approaches to life.  I have found them to be very therapeutic after/during life with uPDs.  I don't think it's been a drastic change to my thinking from before, but I do wonder if this new found peace is temporary as I live out the final years of dealing with my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife.  I wonder if once the drama has gone, I will crave more busyness, and more time with others in stimulating environments.  I currently enjoy a lot of solitude and quiet and don't want to change that.

Is anyone here experiencing the same?

AOD

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for sharing this, AOD.  These things are close to my heart.  I'm so glad you are finding peace post PD. 

Yes, simplicity and slowing down.   They aren't really in sync with this "cram-everthing-you-can-into-every-day-or-you-aren't-really-living" world.  But to me having space to take in the simple experience of this very moment without needing to rush off to the next thing is where the riches lie.  I never want to live a rat race life again.

I have found how much solitude is not enough or too much changes over time like the seasons.  Winter's strong pulling in tendency doesn't last forever, nor does Spring's opening up.  Kind of like inhalation, exhalation is how I've experienced it. 

Right now I'm coming out of a long drawing in period and feeling hungry for some moving out.  Having gone through this cycle before, though, I try to be careful not to fill my time with too much busyness  & making commitments  that will be hard to walk away from when i invariably want to retreat again.  Retreating is my spiritual home, so I never want to set myself up to be unable to get back there.

You are so fortunate to be experiencing serenity after a breakup.  I could never manage that and instead had to go through a period of white knuckling it first.  I'm sure those who find relief and contentment upon leaving are boosted in feeling confident about your decision to leave.  Thankfully I do get there, though.  So I can really be grateful I made those decisions, and braved the pain of it, to come out the other side.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi AoD,

I mean, in a word. Yep! Once I paired down my life to slow down the pace at which I tried to live, I didn't look back. You used the word chaotic in your writing. In our society, there is a level of chaos that people then accept as normal. That new book by Dr. Gabor Mate sounds like it is about this topic that you are raising here. His new book is "The myth of normal". Normal to whom?

In living a slower pace of live, I have found there are 3 reactions to it by others:

1. The people who have also slowed down their lifestyle and embracing minimalish living. They recognize a fellow traveller in you when you share with them how you actually live now. May you meet many of these folks along your way!

2. The people who say "oh yes, I want to start doing that too!" and get very animated about how much they plan to also become minimalish. That desire might be authentic, but in large part these are people who are attracted to the 'post-traumatic growth' states of others, and they may not ever follow through on becoming more minimalish themselves - they like to align themselves with those of us who are living our own values more authentically. You're very likely to meet at least a few of these folks. The ones I have met will say "oh I won't be this busy next week" and then next week comes and yep, they are just as busy...

3. The people who rush to defend their (less minimalish) lifestyle and maybe even criticize those of us who are not in the rat race / over-stimulating environments with them anymore. If you encounter some of these folks, it can make you question your minimalish lifestyle. Usually, unless we have constant contact with such types, we return to our feeling of confidence that our own pace of living, is good for us. The last statement in your post - you say you don't want to change how much time you spend in solitude and quiet. You're confident this is what feels good for you. Hold on to that!

But society itself is in this 3rd category. Hence the ads every time I use social media or turn on a tv set! Right? Who is really advocating for minimalish / essential living when we're knee deep in a distracted consumer culture?? So it is hard to really divorce from society's messages about how we 'should' live.

The status quo is to be 'busy busy' and to pay very little attention to one's need for rest and peaceful, quiet, non-chaotic moments and spaces. That won't change anytime soon. I'm writing this on black friday as it happens - a most perfect example of how our society still promotes consumerism over other things.

Following the status quo in terms of that consuming / stimulating environments / chaotic lifestyle - I think a lot of people follow it because it then feels like they belong. If they go to the mall or shop online all day, they feel like they are 'part of it all'. This could be at a very subconscious level. What is "it all" anyways? What about the needs that can't be met by b. Friday sales shopping? (which are many!).

What about the needs that can only be met if we slow down?

It sounds like you have tuned in to those needs.

I think that what you describe is a lifestyle that is more attuned to the pace that our nervous systems were set for (a long long time ago), and a lifestyle that gives you way more freedom and choice on how to spend your time.

It is interesting that you have some wonderings about how to fill your time 'more responsibly' as you put it. Given how individualistic our culture now is, the first responsibility we have is to our own self and our own health. Anything you do to take care of your health, your wellness, your needs, is quite responsible in my view!

In DBT therapy there is a principle around what they call "mastery". Having something in your life that challenges you to keep growing. It can be anything that presents enough challenge that you feel engaged. This is why a lot of people who come Out of the FOG explore some new skill to learn, like baking bread or painting or tai chi or training for a marathon etc etc etc (the options are many). Maybe you are at a point in your healing where you are ready for a challenge? Like a puzzle aficionado who is excited to level up to a 1000 piece puzzle after mastering several 500 piece ones?

Trees

[xredshoesx]

this is such a great topic

i think for me the need to be busy and appear productive at all times/no matter the cost to me was the main indicator of how much FOG i was in at any given time.  as i've gotten better with both work and personal boundaries over the years since joining here, i find myself less interested in maintaining the illusion that i've got it all together and am top of all things at all times.  i see my industriousness for what it was- a way to occupy my mind and heart to avoid dealing with the things that were really the problem.

it's so freeing to be done with the weight of the expectations of others on how i should be living MY life or what MY classroom should be run like at work. 

[SonofThunder]

Yes.

Proactively, yet steadily simplifying and slowing down.  I try not to do to much change too fast, so not to waste time and energy by going in a direction I may need to alter a bit, and trying to emotionally stay level during the process.

Agree with xred, great topic , +1

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

I also have been proactively becoming more of a minimalist. I do this in two ways: I try to not use my car more than two or three times per week, and I try to reduce the amount of stuff in my house. The first one makes it easier to do the second one, because I go shopping much less now that I minimize my use of the car.

[Call Me Cordelia]

user, I don't think you are alone in being a tech person who has a complicated relationship with tech! Steve Jobs wouldn't let his kids have Apple products.

I like this topic too. And the term "minimalish". I have a lot of stuff around here, but I do aim to have a purpose for all of it. AOD, similarly, you mention you are frugal and you are really trying to budget your time. You have 24 hours a day. What is important to you? Does how you spend those hours reflect those priorities? If so then you are being authentic and responsible with your time. And yeah, you probably don't need to get on a ton of minimalist blogs to figure it out.

[Hopeful Spine]

Great topic.  The closer I get to peace the more I want of it!  However, I can't seem to let go of obligations and relationships. 

I usually shut down my work between Christmas and New Years.  The intention is to relax a bit but all I do is gear up for the next year of go, go, go.  This year all I want to do is STOP! 

I've recently started something new and I love it.  I love the idea of what it could be.  Lately I've been day dreaming about after Christmas how I can purge and deep clean my office.  Start fresh with all new rules and habits.  I'm starting to think I need to do something drastic because small efforts aren't cutting it.

I love days in my garden, followed but a quality outing with my husband or a good friend.  I love a night of cooking with a podcast instead of a busy crowded restaurant with a table of people.  I love a night of reading with my husband next to me.  But I usually end up "feeling" like I need to do more.  I want that to change.

[Jolie40]

I always been frugal.  I currently enjoy a lot of solitude and quiet and don't want to change that.

husband & I are both savers
I've never been much of a shopper re clothes/shoes & don't wear jewelry at all
child did online school for a year so we didn't buy her clothes that year or the next year
we let her "shop" in our closet, lol
I lost weight & gave her some "too big clothes".....she cut them up & sewed tops for herself!

I'm up all night & sleep mornings which gives me more alone time since I'm an introvert

since becoming a sahm/not returning to work.....like that I can be home during week & not go anywhere much except take puppy outside
used to drive kid to & from school but now kid's on bus
my 2011 vehicle has less than 62,000 miles so I'll keep it more years

[Boat Babe]

Consumerism is anathema for me. We were poor growing up and I take pride in living simply but well on a tight budget, even though I have enough money to buy more than I need. I'm take no pleasure in buying stuff I don't need but will spend money saved on a nice meal out with friends. I enjoy cooking and make 95% of my meals from scratch. I haven't got to the point where I make my own bread but I'm thinking about it as a winter project. I love cooking for friends (there's clearly a pattern emerging) and Tagine nights on the boat were legendary. I'm also very aware of the environmental and human impact of so much of what we consume in the rich countries of our world that I participate less and less in that madness.

[Poison Ivy]

Making bread isn't hard, and it's very, very satisfying. Go for it, Boat Babe!

[SeaBreeze]

Yes! Minimalism inspired me to start downsizing as part of my exit strategy, In the process I started a side gig re-selling items online. (Putting the $$ earned toward the exit funds and with less stuff to pack when I go.) It's turned out to be an enjoyable project, too, something separate from uNPDh that distracts me from the PD insanity. And old items find a new home with buyers looking for thrift shop bargains.

One of my favorite topics to read about, online or e-book, is...digital minimalism and digital sabbaticals. The irony does not escape me. 

Peace is really what I want in my life these days. I think peace translates to "boring" for uNPDh. Fine with me!

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm so glad this got so many replies.  Thanks, folks.

It's interesting how many people (on YouTube at least) have started their minimalism journey only thinking of it as decluttering physical things, but it has then grown to something much broader. 

They've downsized their social and work commitments.  They've started eating more healthily and shopping more sustainably.  They've become more frugal.  They've paid off debt and cut up their credit cards. They've started growing their own food. They've started reading more and studying more.  They've started exercising more etc.

I just find that really interesting - and the fact that the younger generations (don't I sound old?!) are getting involved in making those changes.

I love it.  I think the world could be a better place if more people, myself included could do it.

AOD

[treesgrowslowly]

That's so cool to hear about AOD. This is not a topic I've learned much or watched YouTube videos on. Yet. Lol

You've piqued my interest.

Maybe something larger is going on. My grandparents generation, they went without a lot, they didn't always have money to buy new things. They made do.

Their kids embraced stuff. Cheap stuff that you could have a lot of. Unbridled consumerism. Shopping and buying as a hobby. Packing garages with things they forgot they had bought at some point.

Maybe the generation coming of age now (er entering their 30s) is able to feel better when the cupboards are not packed and crammed with cheap items and gadgets that take up space. Clutter. Maybe a lot of them grew up around cluttered spaces, cluttered minds, etc... and know they don't want to repeat.

I know that once I decluttered my daytimer there was no going back. It's like junk food vs the real thing.

I'd rather have one nourishing social event a month than be busy with constant rushing to and from each week, trying to collect as many of x as possible. Be that physical or non physical stuff.

I love the list of ways you find that people are exploring their miniamlish lifestyles.

I found that taking better care of myself felt alien for the first while. Didn't know how to do it lol. Eventually it became more familiar. Now it would feel foreign not to practice attending to my needs in a good way. For me it was a multi year process. I am glad I stuck with it!

Please do update us with your thoughts on the minimalish ways as you explore them!

Trees

[Starboard Song]

** sits down guitar for a second to check phone **

I agree we all can benefit from slowing down.

[Associate of Daniel]

Poison Ivy's comment about not using the car so much.  It's interesting as I find my attitude to using the car has changed a little since Covid.

Before the pandemic, I was working in about 8 different venues, thankfully, most of them fairly close to home.  I would arrange my errands around which days I'd be where so that I didn't have to make extra trips to fulfil those needs. (And I became very aware of where each McDonalds drive through was on my various routes.  Not good.)

Then the lockdowns happened. (I live in a city which for a time was considered to be the longest locked down in the world.). I LOVED not having to get in the car.  I had groceries delivered, filled up with petrol maybe every 6 weeks, worked from home.  It was so lovely.

Then we opened up again.  We were able to travel for 20kms instead of 5kms.  I took a drive out further east  through winery and farmlands to drop off a friend to their house.    It was like the blinkers had been removed and I realised how much I needed to be able to get out further than I could walk.

Since then, the number of work venues has decreased to 2 (thank-you, God).  I now take extra trips for shopping and errands,  and for self care, partly because I can justify the cost of petrol and time, but partly because I now realise I need to take advantage of the freedoms we now have to do so.

I'd like to correct a statement I made in my initial post.  I said that I thought I had always been somewhat of an essentialist.  But thinking back, I realise I haven't been, particularly in my 20s.  I was a people pleaser and ended up saying yes to a lot of stuff I didn't want to do, or didn't think I should have to do.

In my 50s I'm learning to say no a lot more.  But I think I need to do a lot more research into essentialism.  I don't think I've quite got the gist of it yet.

Trees, your comments about the differences between the generations reminded me of a recent conversation I had with my parents about it.

I think I had commented about the fact that many new apartments these days have not been designed to allow room for a dining table.  My parents' response was that the younger generation of today is travelling a lot more, both for work and pleasure.  And they are often working much longer hours.  They also are marrying later and having children later. So they don't have the time or inclination to sit around a table to eat.

I think my parents had a point.  And it's a very sad one at that.

And I'll go a little further.  My parents were depression babies and children during the WWII.  Their parents' lifetime response to those difficulties rubbed off on my parents - they lived very frugally and valued savings and experiences over stuff.  But other people of the time responded differently, with an attitude of "You can't take it with you when you die." or "Spend it on yourself now because it might be taken away from you otherwise."

I will also comment that mass production of toys, books, gadgets etc has greatly influenced society's decisions to accumulate clutter.  But that's probably a discussion for another day.

SeaBreeze - digital minimalism.  I've been listening to a few YouTubers on the topic.  Particularly those who have used a "dumb" phone for a set time.

One aspect that one of them pointed out was that she was glad to have rediscovered her navigational skills.  She hadn't realised how much she relied upon her phone's gps to get her to places.

Thankfully I'm not technically savvy enough to work out how to use that function on my phone!  But I will admit that when my ds is with me and we're heading somewhere unfamiliar I'll ask him to use his phone to navigate.  But when I'm on my own I use the good old fashioned maps of our state and my eyes and instincts to find my way.  I recently became a little lost after missing a turn when travelling home from an unfamiliar place.  It was quite freeing to know that I had a physical map to help sort myself out.  Otherwise I would have been panicking, since me and my phone don't seem to understand each other very well.

But it concerns me that I have forgotten most of the phone numbers that I used to know off by heart.  And I'm annoyed at myself that I no longer reach for that out of date book called a dictionary to find out the meanings of unfamiliar words.  I'm sure there are many more things that I'm not yet aware of that have gone by the wayside due to "smart" phones.  I'm convinced they are actually making us "dumber".

Just as a side note, I currently have Covid, and I'm LOVING  the enforced solitude and quiet, despite feeling not so flash.  No guilt here for living slowly during these few days!

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

Oh, and why I think I'm more minimalish than minimalist?  My kitchen, bathroom, laundry and wardrobe are pared down to the essentials.  My books, cds, dvds, sheet music and scores, teaching resources...  I'm at a stand still.  And papers?  It's too overwhelming.

Maybe I should look further into Swedish Death Cleaning...

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

AOD, I've been using the car less for a few reasons: (1) out of concern for the environment; and (2) the car is dying, and I'd like to put off buying another one for as long as possible. I feel personally obligated to use the car once per week to drive to my mom's home (100 miles round trip).
SO this is me making a virtue out of a necessity. I get bored spending so much time close to home, and I would love to widen my horizons again.

[xredshoesx]

DH and i carpooled for 3 years to try to save $$$ when we worked within 10 miles of one another.  he works from home now the majority of the week but has to do IT stuff on site 1-2 times a week.  had  he been full time at home we would go back to sharing a car for sure!

i've been in the classroom 20+ years in my IRL realm.  every time we've moved i've been pairing down my hoarding.  i used to have 20+ totes, now i think i'm down to 5 and hopefully will purge most of what is up in our attic this year.  my new rule of thumb is if i haven't used it in 6 months, it needs to go.  i've also spent a lot of time curating a digital set of resources i can use in my google drive.  as long as i keep it organized, it's been an easy way to scan things in i 'may' need but don't want to save the physical resource for.

[JustKeepTrying]

When I sold the family house last year, I spent a lot of time just chucking stuff.  All the stuff and crap you gather and the kids leave behind.  Bags and bags of it.  So satisfying.  I am now in the final throes of doing it again as prepare for a real minimalist approach to life - all that I have will fit into a camper van. 

I am loving every satisfying moment.  Each box that is packed and stored or donated feels like another burden lifted.  Another step toward freedom.

But it's more than minimalism or minimalish - it's peace.  My mom always said that clutter clutters the mind.  And she's right.  The less I have out, the quieter I feel.  Almost a craving.

When I stop moving someday, I think tiny home or small condo will be my jam.