Struggling with the New Me - Part 3

[Hopeful Spine]

I had an incredible experience on Christmas day.

Rewind to the family gift exchange, which was last week.  My "terrible" SIL had me in the gift exchange and it made me all kinds of uncomfortable.  I brought the gifts home, expecting that I'd just donate them and not be reminded of her.  My husband encouraged me to keep them because, as he pointed out, "she just purchased off your amazon list anyway.  These aren't personal gifts."

So I kept them and a week later, on Christmas Day, I tried out the new coffee maker.  I went about the day and later I went to clean up and was trying to decide if I wanted to keep the coffee maker box.  I then noticed something else in the box.  I dumped it out and found that "terrible" SIL had made me a special gift AND included an apology letter!!!!

My husband and I froze when it felt out of the box.  When he saw what the handmade portion was he got a look on his face that said, "yeah, typical!".  But when I opened it further and pulled out the note we just stared at each other.  I finally read it and it was beautiful and heartfelt.  I was shaking the entire time.  My husband cried.

And now a different sort of work begins.  I used to have a close relationship with this woman.  I mourned her for the last seven years.  I tried hard to "get over it" and failed.  In my heart I knew (hoped) that she was remorseful but her actions said otherwise.  Without any sort of acknowledgement of her actions I simply could not force myself to even try to mend the gap.  It was as if God, the universe and my very self was holding me down and not allowing me to act.  Every time I tried I would get a sick feeling and I'd have to look away, or hide.  For seven years it was the hardest thing I had to do.  To simply be silent and wait.  To wait for something I never expected to happen.

But it did.

I texted her to thank her for her extra gifts and her words.  I privately wondered what would have happened if I had just dropped it all off at the thrift store and went on with my life.  I accepted her apology.  I thanked her.  And I wished her good things for the new year.

She replied back that she was glad I accepted her apology and admitted that she didn't know where to go from here.  I replied back that I didn't know either but I hoped we'd move forward together.

I am in awe of what has happened. 

I feel a peaceful calm.

I know that I will be able to face her now.  Now that I have her admission of responsibility I can feel equal in front of her.

I don't feel a rush of relief or excited energy.  I'm NOT booking a trip to see her.  I'm NOT calling her to chat or make plans.  I'm NOT imagining our next meeting.  I'm simply pleased and in no hurry to do anything.  I HOPE this means that I will be able to move forward with boundaries and meet this new person who has presented herself to me.

I used to always refer to this SIL as "my awful SIL".  Which was sort of unfair because I still loved her even if what she did made me feel awful.  Giving her that title It just sort of streamlined things when I vented to people.  Now "magically" she is not "awful".  I might look kinda silly to my friends when I move forward with her.  Maybe it's time to stop labeling people.  Maybe learning boundaries will help me with that.

[JustKeepTrying]

This so beautiful HS.  My heart is so happy for you.

[SonofThunder]

This so beautiful HS.  My heart is so happy for you.

+1

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

Life has been good since Christmas.  Over the weekend it occurred to me that I NEVER think of my sister in-law.  Pre-apology I though of her often.  All the time.  A lot.  I would get off track, it would ruin my alone time.  My constant need for approval and validation from this woman consumed me.  And now?  I never even THINK of the person who captivated my attention for so long.  I wish I could have healed on my own, years ago.  But I held on to that hurt and I didn't move forward.

On New Years I decided to reach out to my sister-in-law.  Just a simple text to wish her a happy new year.  We had a little exchange and that was nice.  I lobbed the ball.  Now it's sort of her turn.  I don't expect, want or need her to do anything.  That is the beauty of healing.  Should she text me I will smile and reply.  But I'm truly okay if she doesn't.

I'm trying to find a silver lining in all the years I held on to that pain.  The best I can come up with is that it made me really see the family I married into.  It's helped me to accept those people who don't please me (maybe my issue to work on - not theirs).  It made me protect myself from those who are truly toxic.  Those people don't even try with me anymore and what a gift that is!  It made me appreciate those who have never once hurt me.

[Hopeful Spine]

The apology note I read on Christmas day changed me.  I'm not entirely sure how except that I feel more free than I ever have.  I enjoyed that for a bit but I kept thinking about all the mental energy and negativity that consumed for the for seven years I waited.  It was truly  gift that freed me from something I couldn't get out of.

I'm a bit embarrassed at how much another persons actions consumed me.  I always considered myself a strong person because I have "stuck it out", "endured" relationships, been the "better person".  I was strong in some ways.  But in other ways I was taking the easy way out.  Enduring bad behavior is actually easier than confronting it.  And dealing with the fallout. 

I never want to spend seven years being a victim and ruminating about the hurtful words of someone else.  Never again.

I was really pissed at my life a few days ago.  My phone cord is fraying and every morning and every night when I plug in my phone I'm irritated about that cord.  Every morning and night I'd tell myself I need to replace it.  My home is still in a state of disorder due to a series of events that are finally getting resolved.  I keep my home clean but it's not pretty, nice or calming and I pass by a mountain of neatly boxed items right outside my bathroom door.  My vehicle gets me where I want to go but it runs poorly and is noisy. 

Sometimes all these things add up and I just get pissed.  I've accepted these irritations as "the way life is".  I've endured my home because I know that I need to be patient and soon it will work out.  I reason with myself each time I get in that damn car that we don't need a car payment and I should be happy the damn car works.

All of that sucks but you know what is worse?  Not even TRYING to fix any of those problems.  Just going about the day - being irritated but accepting of whatever I have going on.

You know what else sucks?  Spending seven years WAITING for someone to give me closure on something that hurt me profoundly.

I'm not a total slug.  I work hard.  I do things.  I make things happen.  But many times I just look at the negative things in my life and WISH I could renovate, travel, participate.  I just don't think certain things are for me and I wait until I HAVE to fix something.  Or a situation forces my hand. 

Yes, the old me found it easier to just tell myself everything was fine.  But the new me knows that it's much harder and more scary to actually take ownership.  And the new me is finally getting sick of living the old me's life.

Because my husband and I are small business owners (in our small town) we were asked to be featured in a small scale publication.  Professional photos, interview and thousands of copies scattered all over the county.  It was FAR outside of my comfort zone.  I felt sick and dreaded the whole beautiful thing.  It would have been easier to say "no" and then be passive-aggressively supportive of the person that would go in our place.  But I went along with the hard thing and did it.  I worried people would see the cover and think that we were frauds.  That we were so full of ourselves.  And whatever else I assumed people would think.

I took my hand off the wheel and was surprised to be very pleased with the professional photos, the well written article.  I felt . . . important.  And worthy.  And it only got better when many people messaged us with kind words of support.  It was fun to see the pride on my parents face.  It was satisfying to have the toxic people in my life - act exactly how I expected them to act.

I recently took my business in another direction and it's fun and exciting.  Scary - but so worth it when I found myself accepted. 

Life could really be different for me if I only push myself a little more.

[SonofThunder]

That last post was an interesting read Hopeful Spine!   

From one self-employed person to another, I will be keeping you in thought and prayer for the self-encouraging 'pushing' that you desire to do on yourself!  I personally find organization to be a big motivator in other areas outside of being organized. Organization seems to stimulate the 'push' for me, and sometimes, I simply do some small organization, so that I simply stay motivated. 

Organizing thoughts is another way of organizing, both personally and with my business, and I really like mind mapping, for organizational purposes.  I highly recommend the app named Mindly.  It's not a traditional looking mind map, but it works very well on a smart phone.  If you desire a more family tree looking map, then you could use MindNode.

Congratulations on having your business featured, and I hope that you continue to find it both stimulating and also potentially increasing your business volume.  Cheers!

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

Organizing thoughts is another way of organizing, both personally and with my business, and I really like mind mapping, for organizational purposes.  I highly recommend the app named Mindly.  It's not a traditional looking mind map, but it works very well on a smart phone.  If you desire a more family tree looking map, then you could use MindNode.

I have never heard of Mind Mapping so I will look into the apps you suggested.  Enough good things have happened lately that I feel ready to make changes and make new things happen.  But it all seems overwhelming.  Perhaps mind mapping will help?

I have been filling my life with new people and letting the old ones go.  But I am still hyper-focused on my in-laws.  We try to not be but we are.  All the slights, all the disregards.  For instance, the publication.  My family is thrilled.  My friends are texting nice things.  Random acquaintances are sending messages.  I'm feeling the love.  So why do I care that my husbands family hasn't given one word of praise?

My truly toxic sister-in-law stopped by my office because she needed me to employ my services.  I grey-rocked while being friendly and helpful in a business sense.  She made a passing comment of, "so I heard you were featured!"  And I said, "oh yeah.  It was a really fun experience and we got some great pictures out of it."  She then said that she hadn't seen it yet but her friend was going to give her a copy.

And then she went on to ask "random" leading questions about some of the things that were in the article.  She pointedly asked if I was "happy" with the article which seemed odd all around - especially if she hadn't read it herself.

I was perfectly pleasant, positive and flippant during our whole conversation.  I felt strong and in control.  But the minute she left I escaped to the bathroom to hide and recoup in private.  I don't want this woman to have ANY sort of power over me so I know I have work to do.

Anyway, all the local in-laws are very aware of anything happening in the community.  There is NO WAY that these people didn't get the publication or know 10 people who did.  But not one word of praise or support.  And it just irritates that crap out of us.  We do not want to feel this way.  Each holiday is not a time to draw closer to family and make memories.  Each holiday is an opportunity to grow stronger in our tolerance to their treatment of us.  These are nice people with nice families and nice jobs and nice homes.  People who have nice pets, take nice vacations and have nice friends. But these people - are NOT nice.

[SonofThunder]

I agree with you HopefulSpine that your SiL read the article.  Im so sorry that the family members are as you describe.  You wrote:

"These are nice people with nice families and nice jobs and nice homes.  People who have nice pets, take nice vacations and have nice friends. But these people - are NOT nice."

Imo, when others have that much 'nice' going on but you dont experience pleasant people, then 'nice' is a maintained facade, covering up a whole pile crap they don't want anyone to know about. 

I encourage you to possibly look up mind-mapping in general, on an Internet search or on YouTube, which will give you a good overview of how the process (and software) enable very proactive brainstorming.  In my opinion mind-mapping is also excellent practice for being mindful (mindfulness), as the process requires both a birds-eye, ongoing look at the whole 'map' but also the details within, all coming together in steady fashion. 

Any topic can be mind-mapped (brainstormed), so when you understand how they work, think about topics you would like to brainstorm.  Each topic will be its own map.  For example, the person who wrote the article could have laid out a mind-map of the process.  The center starting point is the general topic and similar to a family tree, the branches that come out of the starting point are the first branches of topical breakdown, such as:

Topic: Main Center Circle (using Mindly app as example) is 'HopefulSpine Article'

First three branches off center circle :  1A: Interviews  1B: Photos  1C: Written Materials

Next is three branches off 1A are 2A: Mrs Hopeful  3A: Mr Hopeful  4A: Customers

*Similar three branch titles for 1B.

1C branches are 2C: History of company  3C: Company process  4C: The Hopeful family

The proactive nature of end to end brainstorming, quick and intuitive nature of the apps, allows for a steady thought process.  You can mind-map your "push-myself" process and goal if you desired! 😃

Have fun with it, as the proactivity is energizing.  All the best! 

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

Just a quick venting of how difficult I find boundaries.

Yesterday SIL invited us to a "last minute" birthday party for her child.   It was on the family text chain and I easily texted, "thanks for the invite but we won't be able to make it.  Happy Birthday to child!"

That was easy.  I knew that others had already been invited.  Her mentioning it on the family text was a public way to "pretend" that this was a last minute thing.  The out of town people wouldn't have wanted to make the trip anyway and they don't care or notice the unequal treatment this SIL shows us.  The intown people would understand the need for her to post info they already knew about.  I was the only one to RSVP on this text chain.

It was easy to decline because I truly didn't want to attend the party.  I don't want to be a guest in her home.  I don't want to socialize with the other PD people who would be there.  I wasn't hurt or surprised by this "last minute" invite.  It was easy to roll my eyes and decline.  Aside from a quick chat with my husband ("typical SIL, right?  I know!") it didn't factor into my headspace at all.

Today she picked up her order from my office.  I knew she was coming and I sort of dreaded meeting with her alone.  I ruminated how it might go.  How I'd tell a little white lie and say I needed to help my mom with something and that is why I couldn't go to her kids party.  I imagined that she would sense my uncomfortable-ness and confront me about it.  I imagined how I'd be brave and calmly tell her what's what.  I imagined that she'd strike back with a passive aggressive comment and how I'd expertly handle it and shut her down.  Several times in this imaginary scene I actually spoke out loud to myself, "Stop it!  This isn't happening and it's pointless to fantasize about how you'd handle it.  It's not real!"

So, in real life,  she picked up her order.  Happily someone else was already in my shop when she arrived so that broke up the initial tension that I feared.  I was pleased when the other client raved a little on me in her presence.  When the other person left I was friendly to SIL.  I even complimented her makeup and she was friendly and shared with me some info on it.  It was nice.  A fun chat even.  My heart softened and even as she's telling me about "the gift card that so and so gave her and where she purchased things" I'm thinking a lot of things.

"See, she's not terrible.  This is nice.  Just small doses and we're fine.  I can be the bigger person.  This is great."

Before she left she made a cutting comment about her mother and the Easter meal.  For a second I felt even better.  She was confiding in me!!!!  Like a sister!!!  And I personally agreed with what she was saying!!  Yes, she likes me!!! 

And then I remembered and smiled and shrugged my shoulders in solidarity for her complaint.  "Well, you know how it goes.  Whatya going to do, right?"

And now she's gone and I can't shake the conflicting feelings in my head (and heart).

That five minute interaction is what I WANT our relationship to be - always.  Fun chatting, commiserating, caring.  But the REALITY is that she was feeling magnanimous today.  She looked great (I do not).  I did work for her.  She's hosting a party.  She has a big milestone coming up.  She wants to collect as much friendship, love and alliances, so that soon - in her public moment - her life will look FULL - making her appear amazing.

The great sadness is that she IS amazing.  A truly talented, funny and wonderful person.  But her insecurities make her narcissistic and terrible. 

The greater sadness is that I want so much to heal her.  But I can't.

She might have enjoyed the conversation too.  But not enough to actually invest in a real relationship with me.  Not enough to "share" my business posts.  Not enough to give me a cheerful "congrats on the great article".  Not enough to reach out the few times life was hard and I needed some private support.  Not enough to tell me last week that she was throwing a party and hoped I could come.

I very much appreciate and respect authentic people.  Even if those people aren't my favorite.  I want to BE authentic.  And I want to avoid people whose actions make me feel like typing all of this on a beautiful Saturday morning.

I don't want relationships with people where I go from
- Scorn and disregard
- Anxiety about seeing them
- Cautiously interacting with them
- Cautiously enjoying them
- Having false feelings of acceptance and love for them
- Being on the lookout for red flags
- Zipping up those feelings to guard my heart
- Feeling sadness for what they are not and what they could be in my life
- A period of decompressing and reminding myself that grey rock is best
- Worry that I'm wrong and I could be doing more
- Sadness of knowing all the other people that they allow into their world while they shut me out.

And now, I will see her again tomorrow on Easter.   

[SonofThunder]

+1 HopefulSpine.  Imo, the beauty is how you fully understand all your wrote, from an end-to-end birds eye perspective.

"The great sadness is that she IS amazing.  A truly talented, funny and wonderful person.  But her insecurities make her narcissistic and terrible."

That statement is unbiased truth, formed from experience, mixed with self-compassionate boundaries in which you must protect.  That imo is a true balance.  Well done.

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

This is a flat out, pity party, brain dump.  I find myself thinking of my mother-in-law and I get so irritated.  I'm dropping this here so I can get on with my day.

When I was a newly married to my mother-in-laws son - he was a drunk.  And not a highly functioning one like the rest of the people in this family.  Awful fights, combative and just shy of abusive.  I wanted help.  I was shocked when no one stepped in to save me from this marriage that was so clearly unhealthy.  That hurt.  Then later I accepted that marriages are private and other people shouldn't get in the way.  But even later, after my marriage was healthy, I sort of felt that maybe his parents, at least, COULD have spoken up.

One time we were at the town festival and my husband (only my boyfriend at the time) was out of hand.  Drunk, acting stupid - I was fed up.  We stepped away from the crowd.  He insisted that we stand outside in the rain.  It was my "punishment" for being upset with him.  If I wanted to complain he would only do it in the rain.  He got so angry with me and begged me to slap him.  He taunted me with his face, pointing at it and saying, "go ahead, do it - I know you want to. Hit me!  HIT ME!"  It was so far outside the realm of a normal reaction, relationship, whatever.  I cried and got away from the embarrassing situation.  I called my own mother to pick me up.  While walking to the end of the park I saw his mother and I stopped to tell her that her son was out of line and that I was going home.  She hugged me and said, "okay, see ya later."  She said it like I had told her that I forgot my purse and was heading home.

I felt terrible.  My boyfriend hated me.  His mother didn't care that I was crying and emotional.  Then, a few minutes later, my mother was pissed because I had drug her out in the rain.  She was disgusted and instead of telling me that I deserved better.  That HE was out of line.  She berated me for being "stupid enough" to stay with him.

This was one of many times I felt defeated.  I remember family weddings, parties, even Sunday afternoons on the patio where he was a jerky drunk to not only me but others.  In her presence.  Even in his anger towards me he was sweet as pie to his mother.  She loved it.  She acted like it was no big deal.  But it was a terrible way for me to live.

Now that my husband is sober and fully contrite for the life we used to lead I rarely think of situations like this.  I am not perfect but I am secure in my marriage, happy to have come out the other side.  Relieved that it all ended so well.  Proud that I was able to work hard and apply the boundaries I clearly needed to build.  I can even accept why my peers didn't step in and try to "help".  Marriages are private.

I recently saw a video of a woman outlining a big project in her life.  In the video she states a couple times, "no one is coming to save me."  And it resonated so well with me.  I WANTED someone to save me for many years.  I waited and expected and stuck it out - thinking that eventually someone would step in. But no one did.  It was because "I" needed to save me.  I needed to find the courage to FINALLY lay it all out and make decisions and demands and follow through on what I needed and expected.  I endured a lot but in the end - I saved me.

These days family functions are difficult.  They are full of dysfunctional people and pained relationships.  There are a lot of confused in-laws.  And in recent years a very drunk and disorderly father-in-law.  My mother-in-law has changed.  She used to be a sweet, supportive person - even if she ignored the real problems in front of her.  But the years have changed her and now she has a husband who picks arguments, gets aggressive in his speech and who looks like a joke. He leaves often to go to the family cabin.  She's alone a lot.

The family endures it all with a lot of eye rolls.  My mother in law joins in.  She sits and pouts.  She is negative and angry.  And when she tries to be positive it's very much a martyr-like attitude.

I WISH I was the sort of person who could offer support.  But I find myself thinking, "There!  There is your bed.  Lie in it."  It's so unkind, so petty and so very hard of me, to think this way.  But the truth is - "no one is coming to save you".  I could have left but I choose to stay.  So, I had to grow as a person.  I had to build a back bone.  I had to put in years of hard work in therapy.  I had to endure a few years of uncertainty, hoping that my efforts would pay off.  I had to become a person with boundaries.  I had to do SO MUCH on my own while she pretended that her son had simply drank a few too many beers.

She is the mother.  I really did expect her to see how terrible her son was and step in.  She didn't.  She never does.  She only pretends that her family is perfect.

When I watch my in-laws - I see the familiar pattern.  I know how difficult it can be.  I don't wish that on anyone.  I don't want her to suffer like I did.  I don't want her to be alone during her retirement years, where is is still healthy and interested in life.  I want her to follow my lead and do the hard things so that the family can heal.  So SHE can have the happiness I have.

She complains all the time. 

She is "perfect" - in how she eats, how she she follows all the rules of the church, how she gives so much of her time to the easy people.

But she won't do the hard things. 

She makes fun of her husband behind his back - instead of getting real with him.  Or admonishing her own children for being unkind.  The disrespect is awful.

She puts other people in the drivers seat.  A child in the family had surgery.  And a week later she pouts because the parents haven't updated her on how he's doing.  She hasn't considered that they are busy.  Or that he's not healing well and they don't have time to communicating with those who haven't asked.  Or maybe they are testing her - to see if she will even care enough to text them.  Because people in this family do this.  Back when I wanted their approval I did this.

I get irritated with her because I see a lot of my old self in her.  It's not easy to watch and remember how I used to be.

She relies a lot on my husband and that is not healthy.  She doesn't treat me poorly but it does feel like competition.  She helps my husband with his business and sometimes I feel like I'm the third wheel.  I know she gets a lot of joy from being involved in his business and I don't want to take that away.  But I also feel like I'm missing out when I step aside for her.  My husband is at a loss on what to do.

I know none of this is healthy and I will have to sort it out with my husband.  But for today I need to dump it all here and get back to work.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Hopeful Spine.  I read your brain dump.  It was written very well, flowed in a timeline and also in your thought process.  You were very mindful in your analysis, able to step outside yourself and rise high enough to see, understand and explain the past, present and future, as well as analyze not only the realities, but also your hopes.  I wish you the best as you navigate your future.

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

This morning I was in a bit of a cranky mood.  Just didn't feel great, getting older and feeling groggy until I had my water and vitamins, etc.  I was supposed to have breakfast with friends but a fog delay meant that they'd have to stay home with their children until school started.  I had a regular thought of "geez, I can't even deal with myself, how would I deal with kids on a fog delay."  I thought about how the other ladies would have to pivot and switch up their whole day to accommodate the kids.  I thought of how "easy" I had it because nothing in my day would change.  "See, this is why God didn't make you a mother, you wouldn't be able to handle it."

That's what I told myself.  That God was probably withholding children from me because He knew I couldn't do it.

But I am an idiot with a pity party. 

God, in His INFINATE wisdom, purposely did not make me a mother. 

Not as a punishment.  Not because I'm a weak person.  Not because the "bar" of life is to have children and I fall so low below the bar.

He purposely made me exactly who I am. 

Perhaps my great role is that I needed to be my husbands savior.  (side note: when I googled "savior" to make sure I had the correct spelling I came across the term "savior complex" which I will continue to read up on)

My work is creative, fun and helpful to others but it's not significant.  Aside from my husband, and maybe one or two friends, no one in my life really "needs" me.  I mean, they will be sad when I die but I doubt many people will really mourn me. 

People with children seem to have purpose.  They are raising an entire human being.  A helpless person who NEEDS them.  Without children, what is my role.  What is my purpose?

And why do I spend so much time thinking I fell short of Jesus and need to stress and suffer to make up for it.

Why do I attach all sorts of meaning to having a child?  Because for the most part, I don't really "want" a child.  I haven't tried infertility measures or looked into adoption or even fostering.  I'm not inclined to do any of that.  And yet I feel like a failure.  Selfish, even though I don't consider myself even close to operating in a selfish manner.

Today I considered that maybe my current life is a REWARD for the many hardships I've felt over the years.  The confusing sexual situations, the difficult marriage, the years I was a doormat.  All the years I worked my tail off.  I endure and grew from it all.  Maybe my - quite good - life is my reward?

Maybe God knows exactly what He is doing after all.

[SonofThunder]

Another beautifully written piece of writing, Hopeful Spine! 

While reading your post, I was able to visualize your thoughtful walk as you explored the rooms of your experiences and 🤔 mindful contemplations. 

You wrote: "He purposely made me exactly who I am."  Bingo!! 

My study and understanding, teaches me the the mighty Potter works each lump of clay into a vessel of his own design, consecrating each work of art for the purpose in which he intends. You are individually, hand-formed; an incredibly useful and beautiful work of art!!  You are also specifically pre-designed and actually known by the Potter before you were even formed! 

I find it exceptionally encouraging in my life purposes, to know I am not a mass-produced vessel, but the solo, focal-work of God's creative and sovereign design. I believe I will not realize how incredibly useful I have been in God's unfolding plan with my life, until I am with God the Potter once again, and that the kiln's fiery purpose in my life is to harden me and bring about the changes necessary in me to complete the purposes of his unique design. 

In encouragement for you, a beautiful, specific work of highly useful art!

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

I find it exceptionally encouraging in my life purposes, to know I am not a mass-produced vessel, but the solo, focal-work of God's creative and sovereign design. I believe I will not realize how incredibly useful I have been in God's unfolding plan with my life, until I am with God the Potter once again, and that the kiln's fiery purpose in my life is to harden me and bring about the changes necessary in me to complete the purposes of his unique design.
SoT

Thanks so much for the feedback.  It helps me very much to vent, unload and write things here.  I never expect an answer but I very much appreciate your comments and especially this extra special gem.  A few times I've looked back and journey makes sense.  Other times I haven't a clue.

I didn't know that I'd play such a huge role in the transformation of my husband.  When he healed I thought that task was "complete".  But I find myself still working in that capacity and the changes keep happening as we struggle within his family.  It all leads to a better place (eventually) but it all seems so petty.  So silly.  Can this be my purpose?  Surely God doesn't want me to waste my time with such nonsense?  But then I see tiny changes and hope that this family can be healed.  But then I fail and wonder why I care.  What am I really doing here?

I was invited to a womens party thrown by my husband cousin and his family.  A whole other branch of his family tree.  I felt I had grown.  Instead of trying to organize a group gift with my husbands siblings or wait to see if they would include me - I simply rsvped, purchased a gift off the registry, and showed up.  I didn't talk to anyone about it.  I didn't fuss.  I didn't even try to do some of the "extra" stuff I usually do to get favor.  This felt authentic.  This felt good and strong. 

But I started to gloat within.  First, when no one else mentioned the party,  I thought, "Oh, maybe I'm the only one invited."  As the weeks pasts I'd ask my husband if his mother talked about the party or if his sister mentioned it when he saw her.  Then when none of my other SIL's showed up to the party I thought, "wow, this is amazing.  Were they not invited?  I feel special to be here". 

I waited in anticipation for the host to post pics on social media.  Hoping I'd be in the photos and they'd see.  Finally they posted pics and I appeared.  I waited to see if any of my SILs would "like" or comment.  Finally my worst SIL commented on a pic of the guest of honor opening a gift.  She had purchased the gift and I could see her passive aggressive comment that she was publicly letting everyone know that she had sent it.  And I was annoyed.  Still annoyed.  I don't know why.  Certainly it's no surprise that her blood family invited her.  I shouldn't be deflated to learn that others were invited and simply declined.  I should be happy that the guest of honor received this special gift, even if SIL couldn't attend.  It was a nice gift.  Beyond attending, and enjoying, the party - I shouldn't care about any of it.

But she bugs me.  Everything about my husbands family bugs me.  Certainly God is not proud of my pettiness.  I'm not proud of these thoughts and feelings.  And then I go off track and start feeling like a failure in general.  It feels like God made many mistakes when He made me - and I'm working hard to fix them for Him.  I know that isn't right.  I hope I can get over these immature thoughts and be better next time.  To truly appreciate the opportunity to be a guest.  To be less petty in my thoughts.  To not judge a person who is literally not actively insulting or hurting me.  To focus on the good.

SoT - Thank you for the reminder that we will never know the scope of our reach - until we are reunited with Him.  And that God has a unique design.  He makes no mistakes.

[Hopeful Spine]

Today I said "no".  To a woman I never say "no" to.  While she has provided good things in my past, she has largely caused me stress and anxiety.  And irritation.  She's a user, in a kind so of way.  But a user nonetheless.

Today she:
- disregarded my boundaries of meeting time, which I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
- fake insisted that she was taking care of certain things to "help me along" in this project she needs done.
- made sure to tell me how much she brags about me to people and "tries really hard" to get me extra business.
- gave me unreasonable deadlines and hinted that as a community-minded project that this needed to be done "as cost efficiently as possible."
- gushed about all the new people she was meeting in her new group.  Humbly listed herself as the matriarch and as the wise older woman who is guiding the younger ladies (ladies who are in their 30s mind you)
- wasted my time by chatting about all the people in her life that were counting on her recently.  (I allowed her to chat too long, due to my desire to be friendly)

When I notified her, via a nicely written text, she did not reply.  I could see that she read it but even an hour later she hasn't replied with, "sorry to hear that." or a simple "thanks for the update".  And she won't.  I have learned from past interactions that when you don't do what she wants she drops you for a bit.

I feel a little sick.  Worried.  Guilty.  Sad.  At one time in my life I enjoyed this woman.  Because of her I met a lot of nice people.  Some of who I still enjoy to this day.  Because of her I made money.  She's always had endless projects with her small and large business ideas.  I never made as much money as I deserved, but I did make a profit and I can't blame her for the price tag.  Because of her I own my dream home.  I paid full price for it but she was kind and let me rent for a year while we got our finances in order.  I had to spend the year shuffling around her belongings because she technically owned the place - but still.

I feared saying "no" to her because I didn't want all those nice things to go away.  We had some laughs and she's been genuinely kind over the years.  I don't want to let those things go so I guess I've been accommodating and plastering a smile on my face, trying to see the good.  And being disappointed when she'd "use" me again.

But today I just couldn't  do it.  All these fabulous projects in my life.  All these ideas in my head.  All these opportunities to chase.  I did not, for even a large price tag, want to do her work for her. I reasoned with myself that I could assist on parts of the project.  But I still felt the dread.  And I knew I'd regret it.

So I said no and feel uncomfortable.  But I'm expecting that tomorrow I will thank myself.  And be happier.

[Hopeful Spine]

Last week my sister in law told me, in passing, that her daughter did not have a good time at a school function.  She was terribly excited about attending but this sweet, popular, teenager ended up being "mean-girled" by her friends.  It ruined the special event for her.  My sister in law was almost in tears talking about it.  We chatted a bit about how "mean girls" shouldn't have a place in our lives.  And that it's good to be free of those sorts of people. 

Over the weekend a family friend made a social media post that was cryptic and passive aggressive.  Something about needing new friends.  It was inappropriate, but this man is still healing from the tragic loss of his wife.  We wondered what it was all about but we're not close enough to this person to really reach out.  On Sunday, while attending a family function, we got our answer.

My husbands sibling, and his wife (mother of the young girl who was "mean-girled"), planned a weekend getaway party with many people and specifically didn't invite this person.  Even though this person has long-time been solidly part of their friend group for many years.  In fact, most of the people attending the event were pall bearers at his wife's funeral.

While they were chatting about their big, fun, epic, party, I guessed that this might have been the source of the cryptic post.  Finally my SIL said, "OH, did you see what HE posted?"  And she showed me the post and said, "I don't care if he's upset.  It was MY birthday and he is SO negative.  I can't have that in my life!"  She tossed her hair when I pointed out that he clearly considered himself a part of their friend group so it's no surprise that he was upset to not be included.  "I don't care if it makes me a bitch.  It was my choice and I said, "NO!". 

I gently said, "I mean, he's still recovering from Wife's tragic death.  Maybe cut him a little slack?"  She replied again that it's been a year since the wife death and she'd be happy to tell him the problem "if he wants to make a thing of this."

And we moved the conversation in another direction.

But this is a perfect example of how this family operates.  Instead of talking to her friend and saying, "Wow, Guy, every weekend you are super negative.  Are you doing okay?"  Or, "By the way Guy, we're planning a party and want to include you but we're worried that you might bring down the tone of the weekend.  Are you okay to go or should we include you on the next one."

I'm not saying that these are easy conversations.  But last week she was almost in tears because her daughter was excluded and this week she's defiantly tossing her hair with zero cares that she hurt a friend.  It's astounding that she finds it okay.  I considered her one of the safer ones in this family.

This is the kind of garbage that happens all the time in this family.  Toxic.  Cold.  Calculating.

I can't mentally survive in this environment.  I'm sick of judging people.  It is too hard to be kind-hearted around these people.  It's too hard to be generous with my thoughts.  I either feel arrogantly superior or fully a failure in their company.

[Hopeful Spine]

The woman I said "no" to is teaching me valuable lessons.  I ran into her this past weekend and she was polite but cold and indifferent to me.  Friendly enough to my husband.  But not me, the person she once touted (on social media) that I was her "very special, dear friend."

For years I worked FOR her on various projects (and was paid).  For years we worked next to each other (unpaid) on social projects (where I did most of the work and she either claimed credit or actively discredited my work by comparing me to herself).

For years she included in in social outings and I'd go.  Sometimes I didn't feel like it.  But, despite my reservations about her I could admit that she was "overall a nice person" and I would play the part.  I was lying to myself.

I said "no" because I was tired, because I am overworked, because I simply did not want to do her project.  All are justified and real reasons to say "no".  A real friend would have said, "no worries, I completely understand."  Or "Bummer, I wish you were available."  Or even, "It's not like you to say "no", are you okay?"

It's weird - she doesn't usually post on social media but ever since I said "no" she's been posting and kind of bragging about outings with her friends.  It feels personal but maybe it has nothing to do with me.  It's probably my guilt making me feel manipulated.

It doesn't feel good to be treated with cold indifference, but it does feel okay to accept to make this change to the relationship.  I made a mistake.  I spent years investing in a relationship that was clearly one-sided.  I can admit that I wanted to  feel worthy so I did the things that she wanted me to do.  Hearing praise at the end of everything was the drug I needed.  It didn't matter that I gave away my services, or cheated myself on sleep to achieve her goal.  It didn't matter that she would get a lot of the glory.  I mean, it would hurt but I made myself be okay with it because it made me feel "helpful", "good", and worse of all "better" than other people.  I could "let" her take the praise because I knew in my heart that I was the hero.  In my head I'd say to her, "Yeah, I'll let you say those things, but YOU know I'm the one that really did this.".

After my weekend interaction with her I found myself thinking, "Yup, you know who holds the power - ME.  And you can't have me."  It's not exactly gracious.  I'm not proud of my thoughts and I hope someday I no longer have them.

After all, I have to take responsibility for the way she treated me.  I allowed a relationship to reach such a dysfunctional level.  I WANTED to give - as much as she wanted to take.  For years I allowed this unhealthy relationship to flourish.  In a way she has every right to be hurt and angry with me.  I'm not doing the thing she reasonably expects out of me.  I'm different and I have given her no excuse for my change.  She's upset.  I really can't blame her.

Maybe she operates as a user for all the unhealthy reasons that I operate as a people pleaser? 

I'm not sure how to "fix" it.  In my mind this relationship is over.  I broke the chain and she didn't like it.  It's over right?  But now there is this weird relationship in it's place.  Just because I said "no".  It really make a person not want to say "no" again.  What if all my relationships change.  What if no one ends up liking me? 

These are the fears in my heart as I operate as a past people pleaser.  I pray that I can have faith to continue on this path, hoping that I will come out authentic and strong.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

You are doing a great job of mindful analysis of yourself in the interactions with the "no" woman and your SIL.  You are also being strongly self-supportive in your choices. Well done!

You wrote:

"I'm not sure how to "fix" it.  In my mind this relationship is over.  I broke the chain and she didn't like it.  It's over right?  But now there is this weird relationship in it's place.  Just because I said "no".  It really make a person not want to say "no" again.  What if all my relationships change.  What if no one ends up liking me? "

Imo, you want to develop relationships with people who accept and respect a "no" and who trust you enough to give you a "no" also.  If those people are rare, then keep searching. Quality friendships are much better than quantity.

Keep up the fantastic, bold boundaries!

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

Imo, you want to develop relationships with people who accept and respect a "no" and who trust you enough to give you a "no" also.  If those people are rare, then keep searching. Quality friendships are much better than quantity.

Keep up the fantastic, bold boundaries!

Thanks so much for your comments.  Yes, the goal is to fill my life with people who respect (and have) boundaries.  I have made two new friends this past couple of years that are slowly becoming important.  With these people I feel good.  I have kept my involvement in their lives to an appropriate level (not offering excessive favors, texting at a lower level than I would have in the past, taking turns with organizing lunches and coffees).  Both woman are very well liked people with wider circles of friends and I truly enjoy them both.  Both women have quirks, strengths and a few things that I am uncomfortable with but I'm learning how to navigate. 

For instance, one friend often bails when she is feeling overwhelmed.  She wanted to take an expensive art class with me so I signed up and looked forward to it.  I had a little bit of reservation but I reasoned that she certainly wouldn't bail on something she put money into.  Well, she did bail.  Luckily I was able to recoup the money but it was a lesson to NOT invest money unless I was comfortable losing it.  To not rearrange my time unless I was okay with an empty hole on my calendar if she cancelled.  She is still a delightful person who is giving and supportive in other ways, but these are the things I am mindful of.

Anyway, I am using these relationships as a barometer of a what to look for in a friend.  I feel pretty good with the new people in my life.  Or when I join a new committee or attend a party.  It's easy for me to chat with a new person, then duck away for a drink (because I don't enjoy them) and never circle back.  It's easy for me to beg off when I don't want to accept an invite to coffee (or whatever).

It's the people in my life who have been around a long time.  Those are the people who I feel I "owe" something to.  I'm different and it's awkward to change the dynamic that has "worked" (not really) for many years.

I guess I just "want" people to straighten up and say the right things and react the right way.  I'm rooting for them so that we can keep the best parts of our relationships intact and stay friends.  Saying "no" to this woman was just as blatant as if I'd gone to a party and pointed my finger at her and said, "I'm sick of you taking advantage of me!"  I could barely do it.  I knew I was going to say "no" when she was sitting right in front of me.  But I waited to do it when it felt safer (via a text).  She didn't reply.  I couldn't respond to her response.  I couldn't tie it up nicely with a bow.  I feel like I did something terrible.  Like I owe her something now.  I feel like I have an enemy.  Yes, I need to just let her go until she has her own personal growth.  But in the meantime I'm very sad that someone is disappointed in me.  Even a person who clearly used me.

I appreciate your kind words - it helps me to KNOW that I'm on the right path, even if I'm not super confident traveling it.