Struggling with the New Me - Part 3

[feralcat]

Hi Hopeful,
I've read your first post from yesterday twice. It resonated.

I know how appealing it is to want to be the Nice Girl and to give. I used to think things like 'oh well, I'll get my reward sometime, and I can in the meantime be the Bigger Person'.
Then I also began to see that this means being a doormat. And that people who habitually take , or ask unreasonable 'favours', WON'T generally return them. Even if you're in need. They're always too busy, too stressed . Blah blah blah.
And they can be VERY good at the old intermittent reinforcement. You're so wonderful, we're so alike etc.

And I now see that it's my fault as well. If I had better boundaries then they would not have taken advantage. Ps I don't even think that people who do this do it necessarily deliberately. They are how they were allowed to be, by people like me.

Sad, eh ?

Also, you spoke of 'expectations'. That resonated because my Sis ( fleas ?) contacted me recently. After 2 years of LC . Because I'd asked various people please not to emotionally dump on me any more. So SHE basically stopped talking to me. She now professes  confusion that we'd become perhaps distant ? We talked for 2 hours on the phone. I was much more challenging than I have been in the past, but we rounded up by saying ok let's move on.
Apparently another Sis has now also ..gone VLC with her.
But, back to the point. One thing that I challenged her on was that she maintains that the issue is that people EXPECT behaviours of her.
And I said not true. That when I relate to another person I may HOPE that they respond reciprocally, but I'd never expect them to.

Your ex friend could hope you'd do xyz for her, but she'd not be able to expect it. Because we can't control other people's behaviour. I don't really like this definition, but really everything is a transaction.

And , btw, the social media posturing is probably just that. Look what people not in my circle are missing out on ! I don't need anyone else to make me a success, emotionally financially or in terms of respect.
Sounds a bit like she's looking for affirmation ?
Or maybe it's even aimed somewhat at you ? Especially as she knows you well enough to press your buttons ?
And is her cold demeanour designed to get you running back ?
It's all in the IDD cycle. Idealise, devalue , discard.

[Hopeful Spine]

I know how appealing it is to want to be the Nice Girl and to give. I used to think things like 'oh well, I'll get my reward sometime, and I can in the meantime be the Bigger Person'.
---
And I now see that it's my fault as well. If I had better boundaries then they would not have taken advantage. Ps I don't even think that people who do this do it necessarily deliberately. They are how they were allowed to be, by people like me.
---
It's all in the IDD cycle. Idealise, devalue , discard.

Hi Feralcat!

Thanks for chiming in.  And especially thanks for dropping the nugget about IDD.  I looked it up.  The article I read focused on romantic relationships but it all applied to the various failing friendships I have.  To be fair to myself - I have a lot of good people in my life.  Most of the people I struggle with are people who have a reputation for being users and takers.  I was just the weakest person in the room, on the committee, on the payroll.  Users know who to use - and they all found me.  My "no" friend has a trail of used people behind her in the various industries that she dabbles in.  I can look at that stream of people and KNOW that I am not wrong - but my Spine hasn't caught up yet.

Idealize - Yes, you are so wonderful.  We are two peas in a pod and are the BEST of friends.  Only WE like this sort of stuff, right?  I'm so glad to have a friend as special as you.

Devalue - Oh you made cookies for the event?  I wish I would have had time.  I would have made my famous pie.  I've won all sort of awards for baked goods.  But people do seem to like basic chocolate chip.
I'm glad they are eating your little cookies.

Discard - What?  You can't help me? Now I have to befriend and schmooze a new person in order to get them to do my work?  I don't have time to train a new person to do the same work for free AND be happy to help me. You've wasted my time!

Boundaries - Had I said to this person a LONG time ago, "thanks for your business I was happy to help you with XYZ.  But I can't give away my services for free - even to good friends.  I keep things fair and do XYZ at full price and I will do certain other XYZ at a reduced price."  Then later, "I feel like I've been doing a lot of XYZ for a reduced price and it's taking me away from my regular work flow.  We're going to have to revisit this situation."  Then later, "remember how I told you I'm having trouble keeping up at work?  Well, I need to take a break from your projects for a bit."  Then this last situation I could have easily said, "Sorry - can't help.  My schedule is full."  With out guilt or stress.

There are so many ways I could have shut down this person but I just didn't want to be uncomfortable so I choose to be "the bigger person" and carry on.  And now?  I'm super uncomfortable and scared.  I let her befriend me.  I let her devalue me and somewhere along the line, I've assumed responsibility for her happiness.  Now that she has discarded me I am bereft of what to do next.  In the past I would have texted her again the following day and said, "you know what, my schedule opened up.  Let me get something together for you."

The article I read illustrated the narcissistic well.  This sort of person "feeds" off of good natured (and boundary-less) people.  When the narcissist is in the presence of a caring, helpful and giving person they can feel like they too are caring, helpful and giving.  But once the victim (applies a reasonable boundary, and) stops being caring, helpful and giving - the narcissist feels starved and promptly moves on to another "caring, helpful and giving" person. 

It sounds like you've handled your sister well.  I admire people who make the choice to go NC.  And the fact that another sister has gone VLC speaks volumes about what you are dealing with.  I like reading about how others have established and enforced boundaries.  Have you figured out how to stop being the "bigger person" and operate life without regard to being classified as "the nice girl"?

[notrightinthehead]

I have found that a lot of my enabling behavior comes from my reluctance to endure uncomfortable emotions, shame, guilt, fear, and that's why I go along. Setting boundaries has meant for me that I force myself to face and feel these unpleasant emotions. I use a lot of mindfulness meditations to be able to stick to my boundaries and stare down my fears about that.

[Hopeful Spine]

I have found that a lot of my enabling behavior comes from my reluctance to endure uncomfortable emotions, shame, guilt, fear, and that's why I go along. Setting boundaries has meant for me that I force myself to face and feel these unpleasant emotions. I use a lot of mindfulness meditations to be able to stick to my boundaries and stare down my fears about that.

Bingo!  When something uncomfortable pops up I get a sort of sick feeling.  Then, when I agree, I mindfully say, "okay, it's fine.  Deal with it.  Just do XYZ and it will be okay."  And I do the annoying "XYZ" and get very resentful but I keep it to myself and I do feel good at the end of it.  But it's not a healthy good.  It's self-rightous and superior.  Plus I'm happy that the only person upset is ME.  And I always reward myself afterward.  I'll feel justified to let myself read for hours instead of taking care of a task that needs to be done.  I'll reward myself with fast food for lunch if I finish a big favor for someone.  Or get ice cream AFTER having the fast food.  Lots of things make me happy and I selfishly over-indulge when I believe I "deserve" it. 

These are not every day decisions but it sure does put a mentally unhealthy spin on the things I do.

For the last couple years I've still been a people pleaser but - I was at least mindful of what I was doing.  It's just taking so damn long to get to this point.  And people aren't behaving how I want and it's really making me irritated.  I can't wait to be done with all this unhealthy thinking.

[Hopeful Spine]

I'm taking stock today.  I've had a few situations that have low key been bugging me and I finally spilled it all out to ask for an honest opinion from the most brutally honest person I know - my husband.

This man has challenged me more that any person I know.  He has hurt me. He has loved me.  I've been at the very high and the very low with him.  It's a profound relationship that only makes sense when I pause in the journey and reflect on all the things we've been through.  He has held me up and he has let me down.  I have covered for him when I shouldn't have.  I have used him to save face when I was in the wrong.  I have hidden behind him. I have selfishly used him for my own glory.  He has called me out, sometimes publicly.  He has cheerful taken the fall for me a few times.  He knows who bugs me.  He know when I should not be pushed.  He's angrily kept his mouth shut when I am the level of stubborn that won't hear anything.

I still struggle with parts of our relationship and some of these struggles involved my self esteem.  Some and due to his.  It is the hardest relationship I carry - but it is the most important in my life.  The most authentic.  And authenticity is my pursuit.

He told me some truths.  When I laid out the "problems" I have in my relationships he was able to be objective.  Without telling me what to do he told me how HE would deal with my problems.  And it was the exact opposite of how I am inclined to operate.  When I told him my reasoning on how I want to proceed he explained how my actions would look to the other person.  (too needy, too rigid, etc.)

It occurs to me now - as I'm typing this - that perhaps a lot of my problems are because:

- I get affected by a situation. 
- I know in my heart what I want to do but I don't do it.
- I hold back, knowing that my inclinations aren't quite right but I don't know why.  I don't want to hurt someone but mostly I don't want to appear demanding, pushy or needy.
- I then either do a toned down version of what I really want to do, or I do nothing and sort of wait for something to happen.  This is when I really start to stress.
- When the solution appears I am never happy.  Either I get what I want or I am disappointed.  When I get what I want I'm never happy because it usually means the other person is disappointed (either reasonably or not).  I struggle with feeling terrible for upsetting anyone - even the tiny littlest bit.  On the flip side - when I am disappointed (again, either reasonably or not) I struggle to feel worthy.  I spiral a bit.  I do not pout or become manipulative with the person.  The person will likely never know how upset I am.  But I will internally crumble and I struggle to understand what has happened.

After reading up on a few new things I'm coming to realize that my problems are mostly due to low self-esteem.  And I find that so complicated.  Because I do think I'm a great person.  I know ALL my flaws but I also acknowledge my many talents.  I know I am pretty for my age (not a looker but I clean up nice).  I know that I have good friends who like me and that I am friendly enough to get along with most anyone.  I know I am smart in some ways - even if I'm not super smart in others.  I am super happy being by myself.  I enjoy lots of things that I can do on my own.  Or even by myself in a group setting.

But I seem to NEED validation from others.  Even from my very special husband who has been through everything with me.  I don't struggle to score it.  I don't fish for compliments or brag.  In the last couple years when extra special things have happened I quietly waited for people to notice.  I didn't post and do a humble brag or anything.  When they do I'm always awkward and embarrassed.  Why do I have that security in myself but crumble when I don't receive it from others or squirm when I do?

Sometimes I worry that I am actually a PD person.  I worry I might be the narcissist.  A good one - but a narcissist all the same.

[SonofThunder]

Hopeful,

That was highly thought-out, creatively written and well organized on the page.  A pleasure to read.  Your writing and traits combined, seem very 'human' to me, and potentially on the high-radar HSP side (Dr. Elaine Aron's work and book). 

You also took the time to think deeply, mentioning some good traits of your husband. Your mindfulness, self described lack of manipulative behaviors, self-awareness and even self-critical high-radar noticing does not, imo, align with PD traits. 

A healthy, balanced self-image is a good thing!  I have read some writer's opinion that all people should have a dose of 'narcissism' to help balance, but imo the term 'narcissism' by itself already defines a unbalanced tip of the scale toward 'self'', so I disagree with some authors description of using the term to convey "healthy".  Imo, healthy self-esteem is better. 

I am a moderate HSP and I can be very self critical and also very assuming about another person's feelings. I believe many times, my high-radar assumes and can assume sensitive.  I am trying to learn to accept my high radar as a 'noticer', but turn down my 'assumer' dial.  I like noticing, for noticing's sake, but I want to simply mentally catalog my noticing, vs taking it onward to assumptions. 

You wrote:

"When I get what I want I'm never happy because it usually means the other person is disappointed (either reasonably or not)"

How do you actually/truthfully know they are disappointed? 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Hopeful, there is a lot of self reflection going on in your post. Does it come from a kind, loving and accepting position?
Good self esteem comes from within. Nobody and nothing on the outside can give it to you.

Two sentences in your post:

I know in my heart what I want to do but I don't do it.

How about you feel the fear and do it anyway? How can you get yourself to DO it?

When I get what I want I'm never happy because it usually means the other person is disappointed

In addition to what SoT wrote - what about allowing the other person to take care of their own feelings, whatever they might be? What about taking care of your side of the street only? You are not responsible how another person feels nor can you control or change it. That's an illusion. And a bad one. It assumes you have control over another persons feelings when you are actually not even in control of your own feelings. We feel what we feel and it's hard enough to cope with our own feelings.
With some self discipline, and I am sure you have lots of that, you can bring your mind back to yourself when it wanders and tries to read other people's minds. Tell yourself- I can only try to make myself happy and do the  right thing for myself. I will allow others to do the same.

[Hopeful Spine]

How do you actually/truthfully know they are disappointed? 
SoT

I read this shortly before I left my office and I actually gasped.  So true.  I operate as if I'm all knowing.  It never occurred to me that I'd be wrong about what they are feeling.  This really helped me think differently.

Good self esteem comes from within. Nobody and nothing on the outside can give it to you.
___

In addition to what SoT wrote - what about allowing the other person to take care of their own feelings, whatever they might be? What about taking care of your side of the street only? You are not responsible how another person feels nor can you control or change it. That's an illusion. And a bad one. It assumes you have control over another persons feelings when you are actually not even in control of your own feelings. We feel what we feel and it's hard enough to cope with our own feelings.

I appreciate these words.  And I especially reflect upon this when you are actually not even in control of your own feelings.  This is a hard truth.  And you are right - thinking I'm managing others is an illusion.

This part too is a truth I completely agree with Good self esteem comes from within. Nobody and nothing on the outside can give it to you.

I had a few things happen over the weekend that I need to sort out.  But the lesson is exactly what you are saying.  Good self esteem comes from within.  That is the core of all health relationships and interactions.  The hard part is to find healthy ways to gain positive self esteem so that you can break free from the life that you earned from the negative self esteem.  Everything is an illusion.

Thank you both for chiming in and using what you know to help a stranger.  I appreciate it so much.

[Hopeful Spine]

Feeling out of sorts today.  It was a big weekend of graduation parties with my husbands family.  Nothing was wrong.  No one hurt me.  In fact I had an opportunity to chat with my SIL who wrote me the apology letter after 7 years of estrangement.  It was a good conversation, superficial and easy.

My husband and I helped at the huge party.  We did this to free up duties for the 5 sets of parents who were jointly hosting.  We knew they needed/wanted to chat with everyone in attendance.  We did this happily and our efforts were appreciated with kind words by them.

But.

The whole weekend I felt like I traveled to a foreign country and a family decided to let us attend so that we could see what an American graduation party looked like.  I watched them all socializing with each other, taking photos, laughing.  I could certainly stand in a circle of people and be welcomed but I wasn't really part of them.  Out of town family friends where greeted more warmly than we were.

At the end of the party the groups broke up.  Some headed to an after party.  Some went to a bar, the out of town people went back to the homes where there were staying.  We were not invited or included anywhere.  Which I really didn't want to be.  I just wanted to go home.  But it just hurts to see everyone fitting in somewhere and not be included.

The mothers of the graduates all had a special friend or family member helping them.  Being their rock while hosting a stressful event.  Their best friend.  I don't have this in my life and I want it.  But it's not something you just go out and "get".  You have to have that connection, that mutual desire of friendship and sisterhood with another woman. 

I am learning that it's not "their" fault that I don't have this.  It's true that my efforts of friendship towards them were eventually rebuffed.  And that hurt.  But it only means we weren't a good fit.  I acknowledge that it's totally okay that they found other people.  Some of them already had these special people before they even met me.  It's not their fault that I haven't found my "best friend" yet.

At this party I did what felt natural to me.  I was friendly to the people who were around me.  I gave honest compliments to the hosts of the party.  I quietly enjoyed the music, I didn't force myself to be super chatty or "fun".  I was helpful and found comfort in the tasks.  But I always feel bad about myself after these parties.  I was true to myself but it seem that the more authentic I am - the less I fit in with this group of people that make up so much of my life. I think the solution is to wish them well and make them less of my life.

My PD sister in law was nice to me at the party.  She made meaningful comments such as, "thank you for helping, it means more than you know."  She cheerfully talked about an upcoming event that we're attending and acted like we were going to have that best time.  I smiled and gray rocked.  I started to feel like maybe, JUST maybe I was wrong about her.  But at the end of the party she lied to the other hosting couples about something so that she'd get to take home more than her share of leftovers.  And I remembered exactly how she is and how I do not want to be close to her.

I'm doing some nice things for myself today.  Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and this will be my first step towards a healthy body and eventually healthy mind.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Hopeful,

You wrote:

" I was true to myself but it seem that the more authentic I am - the less I fit in with this group of people that make up so much of my life. I think the solution is to wish them well and make them less of my life."

Imo, that reads as great mindful self awareness and that you are learning more about your authentic self, and you are willing to admit that your authentic self needs a new crowd.  That all sounds healthy to me. 

SoT

[Hopeful Spine]

At the beginning of my journey I was terribly upset with most everyone in my life.  I was genuinely hurt at times.  At other times I found offense when I should have just moved on with my day.  On my way to my doctors appointment today I thought of all these people in my life. 

My old friends (the ones I gently let slip away, the ones I still tolerate, the ones I am still open to) live in my memories.  Maybe some fun times were had but our lives are different now.  I've come to accept this.  I texted an old friend on her birthday and wished her well after maybe 3 years of no contact.  It was nice but neither of us have picked up the relationship and that is fine.  Another old friend invited me to her kids graduation.  I haven't seen her in over a year but I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

My new friends.  The ones I have authentically included in my life.  These are people I feel good around.  These are people I do favors for - or not.  These are people I invite to new experiences.  These are people in my back pocket (as I am in theirs).  I'm good with these people.  I enjoy them.

Those dangerous people.  The users.  The bullies.  The ones who disrupt how I like things to be.  I'm not over them but I have found that when they are out of my life - I don't think about them.  I would like to continue to work on my radar for these people and avoid any potential for offense.  That will be a life long battle I fear.  But I can figure it out.

My own family.  I have no grudges.  I love more than they do - I know this.  It's still complicated but at the end of the day - it's completely okay.  I love holidays with them.  I'm sad about how I never had children and sometimes being around them makes me sad but it's my own private thing to bear.

My work is amazing.  My husbands work is amazing.  We are so lucky.  Despite working hard, and always having to deal with issues with our properties - I'm living in my ideal marriage in my special forever home.  When I tell people where I live, people say, "yes, that house is perfect for you!  You were born to live in that house."  It's that obvious.

I know who I am.  I know I have value.  I know that my flaws are mine to solve and that I have enough good in me to even everything out.  I like me.  Maybe I don't always like how I look or how I handle a specific situation.  But I LIKE who I am.  I like how I live.  I'm grateful that my health is good, that I look nice.  That I have clothes and makeup to make me look even nicer if I want.  I like my hobbies.   I like being honest.  I like all the ways I care for others, especially now that I'm learning how to care appropriately.

It all boils down to this.

When I look at the whole of my life - the main thing I struggle with is my husbands family.  I don't respect them.  Even when they are good, they prove themselves to be shady for one reason or another.  They are selfish.  All those little slights and digs add up and soon - I became a pathetic mess, wondering how I could ever be good enough.  It happened so subtly.  Even his mother, who is sweet and kind - is chasing popularity.  I've seen her befriend someone in the family, only to drop them when she attracts the attention of one of the more popular siblings.  I've seen her be disappointed when she has to catch a ride with us when she'd rather be in the car with the more fun people.  His dad is an aggressive person who drinks heavily and becomes combative. 

Much like a narcissist gloms onto sweet natured and generous people in order to "take" those attributes for themselves, I seem to have attached myself to this family.  For superficial reasons.  I know their secrets but I also know that they appear, to everyone else, to be a fun, popular, successful and close knit family. 

I admit that at one time in my life I was so excited to join a "fun, popular, successful and close knit" family.  Because maybe then I'd be those things by association.  For awhile I felt that way.  I remember going to a Christmas midnight mass with them and feeling so special watching my husband and his brothers fiddle with their ties and it became a silly memorable private joke between all of us.  In the candlelight of the church I felt good, and happy.  I was excited to run through the snowy parking lot and race back to their house to start the party.  I remember things like that so vividly and that is the sort of thing I've been chasing.

But it didn't last long.  I wasn't "one of them".  In fact the following year his sister did something sneaky and pull a prank on me when we returned from mass.  I let it pass.  At first, I added to the cache because I was friendly, cute and creative.  But I had to be careful to not be too much of these things.  If I disrupted the power and energy of the group it felt bad. 

That's how it all started but somewhere along the line I changed tactics.  Now I'm trying to sort of reverse-narcissist this family.  I'm fighting to pass my positive attributes into them so that we can ALL be great.  And at this point (if I'm being honest) I feel like I'm the better person and that if they were all a little more like me - it would be great.  We'd meet in the middle.  I keep trying but they keep rejecting me.  At first for being too much of what they wanted me to be.  And now - for being something they don't want to be at all.

This is all very rambling but I'm trying hard to compartmentalize this so I can accept it, put it away, and move on. 

I need to accept that these people are not my project.  They are real people with real challenges.  They are not a club that gives me access to a fabulous life.  They do not have the real, authentic qualities that I want anyway.  They are not (at least not any longer) my ideal of what I want my life to be.  They function very well without me.  Very well.  They were raised in a way that I do not understand.  They behave the way they do because that is how they had to behave to survive within their family.  They've spent their whole life in these roles.  This works for them.  They don't want to change. 

My efforts are like fine grit sandpaper to a solid clock of wood.  Sure, if I rub hard enough I might be able to sculpt them into something I like.  But it will take years and it will still be flawed.  And my sand paper will be worn and unless.

It's wise to stop chasing them.  It's okay to accept that, for years, I was wrong in my efforts and in my thinking.  It's okay to realize that the special moments will produce a glimmer of joy and an assurance of knowledge that everything will go back to how it has always been.  That my place in this family will remain unchanged.

In my insecurities, I found offense at every turn.  Even when they didn't deliberately hurt me - it hurt.  And yet, I am the very person I am - no matter how they treat me. 

They don't have the power to take away my fun friends, my pastimes, my social media presence in my industry.  They can't break my marriage or change my husband.  They don't have access to my own family, they don't have a say in how I paint my house.  I don't have to consult them and hope they admire my vacation plans.  I don't need them to admire my marriage or my husband's achievement.  I don't have to give them a medical report and open myself to scrutiny.  I don't need to arrive on time and I don't need to stay as long as his mother wants me to - ever.  I don't have to gain permission to bring a special dessert to the cookout.  I can wear what I want so that when I leave I will be dressed as ME and not how I think I need to dress. 

They will NOT like me more or less. 
They will not respect me any more or less.
They will not wish they had done things differently so that we could be closer.
They will not consider me fun, popular or successful.

And that is more than okay.

[feralcat]

 
Bravo !
Your descriptions are amazing.
I commend you on your insight and how far you have travelled. In such a short time really.

Ps your descriptions of interactions with DHs family echo mine, but with my FOO. In the better times I can feel like you seem to , when things get gnarly it's hard not to slide back into bad habits , fears and ruminations. Luckily not so often now .
I'll see if I can 'save' your last post somewhere. It's a good example of healthy thinking. I'll read it when I need a kick up the proverbial ....

[Hopeful Spine]

Bravo !
Your descriptions are amazing.
I commend you on your insight and how far you have travelled. In such a short time really.

Thanks for commenting.  I'm 48 and I feel like I've been struggling with myself for my whole life.  The last 4 or 5 years that I've really dedicated myself to sorting things out has felt like an eternity.  I regret all the years I watched others live their best life.  I spent that time lamenting, going down wrong paths and just  waiting for someone else to change my life.  Sometimes I reread my posts and I'm embarrassed that I put all this out there.  But it has helped me and I'm glad, in a small way, it helped you too.

I feel for you to have these issues with your FOO.  I see how my husband struggles when the hurts hit too close.  His family was so exclusive and tight that they WERE his best friends.  But now?  People literally disregard his texts but fawn all over everyone elses messages.  If he speaks up about his hurt on any number of subjects he receives passive aggressive comments about how he should do more.  They list the ways he has failed in any given situation.  He struggles to make and maintain real friendships.  He just never learned how.

It's frustrating how the tides shift and the person we all disrespected a few years ago are now kings and it is someone else's turn to be on the outside. This popularity contest, the weird three legged races we put ourselves through to prove something.  The pissing matches and the hot buttons.  This is not how we should treat family.  The matriarch and the patriarch shouldn't be allowing it but, guess what, they are actually the ones setting the tone.  There seems to be no hope.

I either feel like I'm in high school or on a reality show when I'm around these people.  When a new person comes into  a gathering (like a boyfriend of a niece or something) these people trip over themselves trying to impress the newbie.  When the local priest visits - it's like we have ROYALTY in the backyard.  Plates of food, a special drink, "here take my chair".  "Hey did you know that our family is super fun?  You're going to have the time of your life here!"  (Cue the karaoke machine, elaborate drinks, and literal card tricks).  Then his mother wanders over with her drink and whatever crazy hat she's wearing (because she's "fun") and she "casually" says to the newbie, "Oh yeah, this is us.  This is how we always are."  And she's proud of her family who is very great on the surface but more dysfunctional than she'll ever admit.

Most people just say, "wow".  Because what else can they say.  The sporadic  visitors love it.  And the family loves them.  Those who stick around learn the drill - and that is when I can make a new friend.

For the record I don't feel good about all this.  I want to be honest and authentic without all the traces of superior judgement.  I know I SOUND terrible typing all these negative things.  I want to get to a real level of respect and love for them, despite their upbringing and way of life.  I just don't want to be hurt in the process.  Maybe someday I'll be able to do it.  From a distance.

[Hopeful Spine]

This is a silly thing but I am only posting this here - so I don't complain about it in my real life.

There is an event happening tonight.  It's a silly little program that harkens back to a childhood love.  It's not a big deal but I posted the link on social media and tagged a few people who also loved this thing with a casual note of, "hey I'm going if anyone wants to join."  Happily several people said, "oh, that looks fun. I think I'll go too."  Some are bringing their kids.  Some are going to invite their own friends.  They all said, "see you there!"  If figured when it got closer I'd reach out to see if anyone wanted to share a ride.

I tagged my PD SIL.  I didn't want to but we used to have regular conversations about our love for this thing so I really "couldn't" not tag her without creating an offense.  I tagged her.  I expected her to make a "aren't we great friends" sort of comment and then collect her own friends and go without me.

Well, instead of grabbing her own friends - she tried to take mine.

The event is tonight.  This past weekend I was volunteering at an event saw "Ann", who later texted me and asked if I wanted to share a ride.  Then I ran into another gal "Monica", who said, "Hey, do you still want to go to that thing?  I guess Ann and PD SIL are going to ride together so maybe we can all share a ride?"

I immediately knew I had been "gotten" again by my SIL.

Well, I also ran into SIL at this event and she was her usual (super sweet), "Oh, look at you!  Oh, aren't your earrings so cute!  Oh, it sucks you have to work at this event, are you having any fun?"  I blew all of these things off but I was seething inside.  Finally I asked her, "oh hey, do you still want to go to that event on Monday?  I thought maybe we could ride together?"  And she replied, "Oh, Ann and Monica and I are going to share a ride."

What she SHOULD have said was, "Oh, Ann and Monica and I are going to share a ride. Would you like to join us."

"Oh, that's nice that you have that worked out." is how I replied.  She said nothing.

So 4 woman are going to the same event.  One woman gathers two woman to attend with her.  Same woman doesn't include 4th woman, even though she's a sister-in-law.  Even though the 4th woman was the one who shared the event with everyone else.  Even thought the 4th woman asks her if she wants to share a ride.  Even though the other two woman included 4th woman to join.

As it turns out, Monica texted me to let me know she has an errand to run after the event tonight so opted to drive herself.  I decided that I also had things to do after the event and I opted to drive separately as well.  We made plans to meet outside the venue at a certain time.  Then I sent Ann a text to get her up to speed. I presume she will continue to carpool with SIL.  Everyone is happy and excited to attend tonight.

What a learning experience.  I did get angry immediately when I learned that SIL was arranging all these rides but I made myself stop and consider that everything might have happened organically.  Even now, I do not know for certain that SIL asked them and not me.  I am willing to believe that one of the other ladies suggested it and it snowballed.  That's fine.  Understandable.  Normal.

It wasn't until I actually spoke with SIL that I allowed myself to feel the slight.  When she DIDN'T invite me to share a ride it made me realize how much she doesn't like me.  (Or feels threatened by me?)

The other two ladies were kind, inclusive and honest about the other conversations.  Why wouldn't they be?  They would treat any woman they way they treated me.

But SIL was evasive and not interested in including me in a flipping car pool.  When I directly asked her if she wanted to share a ride she didn't answer me.  She only told me who she was already riding with.  She didn't say, "oh sorry, already got a ride."  Or, what she should have said, "Oh, I'm riding with Ann and Monica but there's room."  That's just . . . not nice at all.  I don't want to be friends with a person who treats others this way. 

I'm a little pissed that she's going tonight but I only have myself to blame since I'm the one who tagged her.

But that's the difference between us.  I would have felt bad if later she learned that I invited a bunch of people to this event and didn't even tell her.  With our history on the subject and the fact that we're related - I just couldn't have done it.  But she's totally okay pretending that she's a sweetheart, then hogging my people and going without me.

But I feel okay about how I handled it.  I didn't vent or complain to the two innocent woman.  Instead of making it a group drama and trying to "ah-ha" my SIL, I simply messaged both woman who had messaged me and let them know I was driving separately. We all made plans to meet outside the venue at a specific time.  We'll all go in as a group and sit together and enjoy the event.  That's pretty much what I expect would happen anyway.

The old me would have messaged SIL and tried to eek something out of her.  Maybe I would have try to guilt her.  Or ask a leading question to get her to admit something.  Or I'd passive aggressively do a group message and try to assert some sort of control.  Or suggest drinks after.  I don't know.  I guess I finally learned that nothing works.

I'm not as upset about this as it might seem.  Like I said, I'm just laying it out here so I can "get over it" and enjoy the night.  This is how I know I'm dealing with a PD person.  Her little tricks made a simple fun outing - turn into an situation where my feelings were hurt and I had to do some mental gymnastics to get through it.  I hope in the future I will be able to weather these sorts of things more quickly.

[Hopeful Spine]

She was as I expected her to be.  Overly nice to me but sort of dismissive when I'd answer.  She sort of picked Monica to be her buddy and made sure to sit near her and made extra efforts to talk to her.  She tried to lure me into agreeing with something that I didn't want to discuss.  I found it very easy to chat with everyone.  I felt comfortable around everyone except her.  It was difficult to kindly "grey rock" her while being authentic with everyone else.  I'm glad I did what I felt was right (given the mutual love of event topic) but won't do this again.

[notrightinthehead]

Of course you know what you could and should have done differently.

I tagged my PD SIL. I didn't want to but we used to have regular conversations about our love for this thing so I really "couldn't" not tag her without creating an offense.  I tagged her.  I expected her to make a "aren't we great friends" sort of comment and then collect her own friends and go without me.

Maybe next time you listen to yourself. This time you talked yourself into doing something against your wants. Maybe next time you follow your wants. Others do it. Why can't you? Your sil doesn't want to share a ride with you. She's honest. You don't want to tell her, but you talk yourself into doing it anyway. You are allowed to do something that might-or might not (how can you be sure?)- offend someone. You are allowed.

[Hopeful Spine]

Maybe next time you listen to yourself. This time you talked yourself into doing something against your wants. Maybe next time you follow your wants. Others do it. Why can't you? Your sil doesn't want to share a ride with you. She's honest. You don't want to tell her, but you talk yourself into doing it anyway. You are allowed to do something that might-or might not (how can you be sure?)- offend someone. You are allowed.

Thank you for your feedback - it's truly helpful.  I realize today that I wasted a LOT of my time yesterday posting about this "silly little event".  I spent even more in mental energy.  I was (and still am) proud of how I was feeling.  The reality is that this whole thing was a "win" for me - even if it took a lot of effort to get there. 

But you are right - there is a next step that is more significant.  To acknowledge that it would be kind to include her - but to choose the path that will serve me best.  With this experience behind me - I will remember to confront that uncomfortable feeling, even if it doesn't feel "nice".

[Hopeful Spine]

God is testing me today.  The devil is tempting me.  Lately I've been low key struggling but trying to rise above.

I'm finally addressing some health issues with a doctors appointment. 
I've been checking out of relationships and behaviors that are hard. 
I got through a hard weekend of volunteering that would usually really make me spiral in the moment. 
I made a significant post that would usually put me on high alert on my social media response. 
I even half-way dealt with my PD SIL.

It's hard to not worry about my health. 
It's hard to decide (and then say) "no" when I'd usually say "yes". 
It's hard to not watch other people at the volunteer event and compare myself to their skills and friendships. 
It's hard to put myself out there online and not rush to view comments.
It's hard to grey rock my SIL.

These things might not be hard for others but they are very hard for me, especially when it all happens within a week.  I got though okay.  Good even.  I've had some great moments and lots of joy.

Buy the hits keep coming.

More medical things to navigate.
My "friend" (the one I recently said "no" to) asked for something reasonable that I will assist with.  It's okay but it's just another "thing" to deal with.
Someone else, (who doesn't like me because I said "no") is back in the picture.  She's doing something that I will have to address soon.
My mom is being unreasonable about my sister and it's getting harder to gently shut her down.
PD SIL did something extra nice to thank me for my help at her party.  Once again I have to protect my feelings while grey rocking gratitude.

This has all been within the last 24 hours - after a challenging week.  I'm DONE!!

I just feel like the Devil sees my progress and is trying to get me off track.  I'm feeling good about my choices but it's getting REAL hard to not spiral.  A lot of prayer this morning and the day is still falling apart.  I need to get this out in the universe and then get focused on God, my goals, and more positive things.

[Jolie40]

I'm finally addressing some health issues with a doctors appointment. 
It's hard to not worry about my health. 

I can sympathise with you re health!

I sent husband & kid to visit grandma in another state Memorial Day weekend
after letting dog out, I came inside & passed out on the floor
neighbors noticed dog out ALL day & called husband
ambulance took me to hospital where I was in ICU at first

I'm very, very lucky the neighbors got involved & called my husband!!!

[Hopeful Spine]

I took a little trip.  I was gone for 48 hours with a newish friend who was "celebrating" five years of widowhood.  It was more like her "I'm going to really start living again" sort of anniversary.  She's young, with 4 young kids and she's been doing a lot these past five years. In the course of this long road trip we laughed a ton!  It was a comfortable time of speaking up, making choices about our plans.  Compromises on schedules, room temperature and dining.  It was the best time I'd had in years. 

I am so inspired by how she grew from her unfortunate loss of her husband. Her ability to turn her back from the people and things in her life that drag her down or bring her stress.  She simply doesn't have time for everything so she gives her attention to joy.  She makes big choices.  She ruffles feathers.  People upset her, she has challenges, but she turns to her children and chooses to not engage with the people who don't matter. 

I have another friend who fought cancer and came out with the same attitude.  She changed her circle of people, made choices and set up boundaries that sometimes seem rigid.
 While these woman are sort of unrelenting - they are strong, determined and successful.  Proud and content with the lives they've rebuilt.

I have been through a lot with my husbands very public infidelity.  That might have been over 12 years ago but I never properly took control of my life in the way they have.  I lived small because I was humiliated.  I made careful choices because I didn't want to relive anything painful.  I gobbled up attention and support from anyone who would give it.  I wasn't picky.  I welcomed any sort of inclusion.  I didn't get a meal train.  People didn't openly pray for me in church.  My situation was uncomfortable enough that even kind people didn't know what to do.  I focused on my husband (who I wanted to divorce) because he was suicidal. 

My marriage is healed.  I am successful.  But I'm a complete mess inside.  I have stretches of time where I am very pleased with myself.  But mostly I'm angry with a lot of people who don't matter.  I'm angry about how I let people disregard me.  I'm angry that I didn't challenge people.  I made excuses, let them off the hook, and continued to be their friend - even though they were shitty to me.

Right now my husband is stressed about a new business venture and things have been tension-filled.  I'm not liking how he's talking to me and I constantly worry if I should speak up or have a bit more compassion.  I fear that if I don't he will continue on and become his father.

On the road trip I told my friend my whole story and now I regret it.  I didn't need to share.  This is old news.  I shouldn't have betrayed my husband by telling his secrets.  My friend was supportive and expressed many times that she has a lot of respect for my strength.  She's impressed to know that a person like my husband can redeem himself.  But I really wish I wouldn't have told her.  Even though she was kind, I feel judged and dirty again.  Pathetic.

I really want to take these new feelings and use the inspiration of my friends to make some changes.  No more stewing about in-laws.  Focus on how I WANT my business to grow.  Gather with real friends.  Enjoy life.  Talk to my husband.  Block out the noise.

I have a voice.  I have a social media following.  I have a better handle on the people in my life and I've even added people that I feel equal with.  Why can't I let go of things and move on with determination?  Why do I always feel like I am waiting for something to happen?  Why do I feel so incredibly weak?