Struggling with the New Me - Part 3

[Hopeful Spine]

My personal issues with my MIL continues.  I have found that I am a person who needs a default "something" to focus on.  I have also found that I have great difficulty in harnessing my focus.  I have a lot of internal thoughts but when my mind wanders I tend to focus on my issues with one particular person.  The person in question changes over the years.  In the past it has been my own mother, a SIL, a boss.  Anyone with a strong personality that was looming in my life where I felt defeated.  Like I had no control.

So it's strange that my focus person now is someone who is very passive.  And very nice to me.  And helpful.  And kind.

Yet, all I think about are the ways she is passively toxic in my life.  How much I blame her for this toxic family that I married into.  How much I used to be just like her and am trying very hard to not follow her path.  How guilty I feel for having these thoughts.

On Friday my husband was sick and unable to work a big event.  My MIL (because she is always helping) knew before me and shyly called me to explain the situation.  She tentatively explained what she was going to do to solve the issue and how maybe, if I could, might be able to help.

At this point I understand that this is a husband problem and not a MIL problem.  He should have called me to explain, to ask for my input, whatever.  Okay, that didn't happen because he was feeling so terrible.  But instead of letting us go she created this grand plan of how it could be solved - if I helped HER.

It put me on the offensive because this wasn't a problem for HER to solve.  This was actually MY problem.  A problem that my husband didn't tell me about.  Partly because he didn't consider it a problem yet.  He only wanted to rest a bit before moving forward.

Anyway, the end of the story is that on Friday night I had to work the event with just my MIL.  And I was dreading it.

Spoiler alert - the night went great.  We had a blast.  We worked well together.  Aside from the fact that she complained and gossiped (at length) about people in her personal life - I didn't have a problem with her.

Then, at the end of the night, my husband showed up to help us shut things down.  He was feeling better and was appreciative of what we did for him.  It was a great ending to a stressful day.  Except that after my husband arrived my MIL changed.  She stopped being easy and comfortable.  She focused only on him.  She tried to hide the fact that we goofed up on something (which was not a big deal).  She confessed, with some sort of shame, about something else we had done incorrectly (also not a big deal).  She disregarded me and instead watched everything her son did.  He checked his equipment, chatted with other industry vendors, and joked around with customers before coming back to us to discuss the game plan for the next day.  She watched him with fear and pride as he did the things he needed to do. 

He was not domineering or aggressive.  He was not concerned or disappointed with our errors.  He wasn't overly praiseful or fake. He was not negative in any way.  But she fed off everything he did.  I could sense her stress, relief, pride, confusion as he sail along with his regular actions.  Oblivious to her.

Baffling.  And annoying.

I was gaining respect for her during the evening.  She really did help us.  Without her help I would have had to run the event myself.  Or shut down for the night which would have hurt us financially and hurt our reputation within the industry.  She dropped her plans (only going to a sporting event but still, she gave it up) in order to help us.  And she did her part.  And she spoke up.  And she reasonably accepted responsibility when she made a mistake.  I was hard work and she worked hard!  And she treated me like a real person and not just as an extension of her son.

All that esteem tanked when my husband arrived and she changed completely.

I guess I have a problem with her problem.  Especially since my husband seems to be a trigger for her problem.

She has many sons and one daughter (my PD-SIL).  It's taken 20 years but I can see it.  All the ways she defers to her husband and worships her sons while disregarding her daughter (and by extension DILs).  Is this family toxic because of a domineering father?  Or a mother who didn't create standards for her husband (and ultimately sons) to follow?  Or both? 

My husband and his brothers all have a level of superiority due to their mother (I guess).  And they also have varying levels of shame and coping mechanisms due to their father. It's a super weird combination of being encouraged to "one up" each other to gain favor, as well as moments of solidarity as they watched others be rejected.  MIL favors whoever is with her.  Or whoever is most successful at the moment.  If a son is having a tailgate party and tickets to the college game that he's going to share with her then HE is the favorite.  If a son is buying a new house and a housewarming party is about to happen then HE is the favorite.  She rarely reaches out to them - she expects them to reach out to her.   

On the other end of the spectrum my FIL has his favorites.  One son can move the tackle box and it's just fine.  Another son could move the tackle box the same way and he will get upset and argumentative.  He is selective and consistent and everyone knows it.  Half the sons have always had their fathers approval and half never will.  They all KNOW this.

And PD-SIL was probably the one who got hurt the most.  She is not a boy so she can not possibly be a favorite with her father.  He does not really respect woman so he didn't dote upon his only little girl.  Also since she is not a boy, her mother expected her to play the woman role of worshiping and catering to the boys.  SIL has many stories of how she was treated growing up and I do believe her.  I feel for her and always have.  But I'm at a point where I cannot let her pain, hurt me.  She was saddled with her PD but she hasn't learned how to do something about it.  That's not something I can endure.

It's no wonder that most of my SIL's do not come around often.  It's just too hard.  Maybe at one time we all leaned on each other but as their children came into the family these SIL's sort of clung to their own families or formed their own support systems to cope.  Not having children gave them less of a reason to keep to what I thought we had.  The old me was too dysfunctional so it's no wonder they checked out with me too.  I was probably part of the problem back then.

I also worked with my husband's brother on Saturday morning.  We had to work for an hour alone and usually I feel awkward around him.  But with no other family members around it was easy for us to chat.  That felt good.  To get that sort of positive interaction within the family.

I cannot solve these people.  I can only solve myself.  But how can I deal with them while also dealing with my own insecurities?  I feel like a failure when I'm around these people (they are almost ALWAYS together).  That is also a me problem.  I can't let their toxic upbringing (and current coping mechanisms) get me down.  I don't know how my husband was able to endure it.

[Hopeful Spine]

I feel a sense of growing lately. 

1.  A casual friend stopped in and we were chatting.  This woman and I have a mutual relationship with a toxic person.  We usually spend time complaining about our recent experiences with her.  When I chatted with my casual friend I mindfully told myself that I wasn't going to complain about our mutual toxic person.  No matter what!  (the old me used to say, "So, have you seen SoandSo lately?")  She started to complain on her own but I didn't engage and the conversation carried on.  I felt good about that.

2. A friend was concerned that she started a rumor.  Long story - but the "rumor" was so silly and small that many people would not have thought twice about what she said.  Still, she persisted in being upset about it.  I found myself charmed by her earnest effort to correct her mistake.  In the past I would have rolled my eyes or complained to my husband about her.  Like, "WHO CARES, right?"  Now I feel blessed to have a friend who behaves in this way.

3. A close friend asked me to pray for a specific need she had.  I felt honored that she thought to confide in me.  Now I will be able to give her extra attention in the coming weeks.

4.  Someone else needed real help and she called me.  I didn't really want to do the project but I did - because there was a real need.  Not because I wanted her to like me.  It felt good to assist someone in this way.

5.  I reached out to a sister-in-law whose father is doing poorly.  I know she'd never do that for me but I texted her anyway.  I didn't carefully craft words, I didn't read and reread the sentences hoping for a favorable response that would fulfill my desire to be a beacon for her.  I just jotted off a few lines and set my phone down.  It didn't cost me anything. Not even emotional labor.  She replied back and that was nice.  The end. 

6.  Another friend was planning to have lunch with a mutual friend.  We knew our mutual friend was acting "off" and I casually wondered why.  My friend is a bit of a gossip.  She came to see me after the lunch (on an unrelated matter) and said, "wow!  Mutual Friend has all kinds of issues going on."  My heart sank because I really like both these woman.  I didn't want original friend to gossip about this other woman's real problems.  Instead of wanting to gather "dirt" I found myself hoping that original friend would stop.  I was so happy when she quickly said, "well . . . anyway.  She's going to be fine.  Eventually."  And then she smoothly switched gears and chatted about something else.  It was a great feeling to know that I'm rubbing shoulders with real people who have flaws (tendency to gossip) but are able to do the honorable thing (not gossip about a nice person the second their back is turned).  Even better was the feeling of actually NOT wanting to know this private thing that I had no business knowing.  The old me definitely would have said all the right words to get the story.  I wouldn't have repeated it - but I would have enjoyed knowing the story.

7. I declined a friends invite to a party.  I NEED to have some downtime and I had scheduled it for the day she ended up planning the party.  I told her the truth.  That it sounded like fun but I needed time to myself.  She replied back with positive emojis and "Good for you! Enjoy!"  What a nice feeling to be able to be honest about my plans.  To feel no guilt.  To have a good friend react positively to what I need to do for myself.

While I still struggle with other things - these are the things that I consider very good.  I am mindful of them.  I think on them and feel happy about how I now behave.  I'm hoping that in time these sorts of thought processes are natural.  Like I don't even notice that I'm rooting for others (or myself).

[moglow]

Turning off the gossip machines does feel so good, doesn't it! I have a couple of friends who perpetually "did you hear about ..." Nope. Inevitably it's drama about someone I've not seen or spoken with literally in years, and it's rarely just to share happy news, so no. Not my stuff and don't want to play. I'm getting better at "I hate that for her, hope things straighten out sooner rather than later..." and change the subject or "Wow look at the time! I need to bounce but we'll talk soon."

I'm reminded of my brother saying: If they'll say it TO you about the last one, they'll say it ABOUT you to the next one. Maybe it's not intended maliciously but it's more of a habit, but if it's not something you can do to actually help it's just gossip.

[Hopeful Spine]

I'm reminded of my brother saying: If they'll say it TO you about the last one, they'll say it ABOUT you to the next one. Maybe it's not intended maliciously but it's more of a habit, but if it's not something you can do to actually help it's just gossip.

So true!!!!


So yesterday I felt pretty good.  Today I feel the opposite.  My oldest niece is pregnant.  I'm happy for her.  I'm not surprised.  She's been married a couple years and it makes total sense.  They will be great parents.

I don't want to be pregnant.  I don't want to raise a child.  That ship sailed long ago.

But I'm sad today.  It's almost like I WANT to be sad, rather than actually be sad. 

I am jealous of my brothers big family (now growing again with his first grandchild).  The fun stories they have.  The excitement of someone always doing something and they are all included in each others lives.

Someone posted something on social media today that points out that 100 years after we die - we are all in the same boat.  Dead, buried, with only photographs to remind anyone we existed.  All the people we know are also dead so literally no one on earth will have met us or known us.  The point was to remind people to enjoy life and not focus so much on the evils of success and accumulation of wealth.  But I found some comfort in it.  When we are dust, my life is no different than my brothers (or anyone else).

My dad made a passing comment to my husband the other day.  Something big is going on in our community that will affect the way things are done 10 years down the road.  My dad, (who is very comfortable with the idea of dying) sort of shrugged and said, "It doesn't matter to me - I'll be dead."  When my husband looked confused my dad explained that no one in his family has lived past the age of 75.  At age 70 he has five years left.  He's been tying up loose ends financially.  He's got his funeral planned.  Everything is in place and he cheerfully goes about his days.

That makes me feel so . . . like what is the point of anything?  What is the point of painting your home or spending a little extra money on the great couch?  What is the point of building a business, especially if you have no one to leave it to?  What is the point of planning parties or being involved with clubs or committees.  Why travel when your memories die with you?  Why bother to make anything nice? 

The last few days I've learned of 4 local people who passed away suddenly.  These were people 40-50 years in age. Busy, active people who filled their lives with many good things.  Now gone, leaving holes in their families, neighborhoods, workplaces, everywhere.  They didn't get the chance to sort out their possessions or take even care of the breakfast dishes.  Their secrets are hiding in drawers that will need to be emptied by others.  I just don't know what to focus on in my life. 

I need to turn this mindset around.  And I will.  Just letting out a little steam here.

[Hopeful Spine]

Yesterday I posted a good story on another person's thread about how proud I was, for the way I navigated my annual party.  All of it was true - it was a great day. 

But most of the day yesterday my thoughts kept drifting back to my most problematic PD in-law.  Saturday night (of the festival weekend) she stopped to talk to my husband and I.  She started the conversation by stroking my pony tail and saying, "Gah, the prettiest hair ever!.  It makes me sick how pretty your hair is."  She was drinking but we were polite and my husband especially made efforts to be fun and joking with her.  After a few minutes she wanted to do a selfie, something she never wants to do with us.  We humored her and took the pic.  She looked back at her phone and said, "Jesus, you even have the prettiest eyes.  Pretty eyes and pretty hair.  You BITCH!"

She said it like how plenty of woman say "You bitch!" in a funny joking way with their friends.  But we don't do that with each other.  I don't do that with anyone.  I wasn't offended because I "know" this.  I understand this.  And I know how she operates.  It was just another indication of how very differently we treat others.  And how uncomfortable she was making me.

Then she bragged about her child who won an award (which was well deserved, honestly).  But we were sort of "forced" to give her the attention she wanted.  Then she invited us to a party on behalf of her mother-in-law.  Which was interesting because her mother-in-law had already made a mention weeks ago and I learned PD person was supposed to invite us then (but never did).

Anyway, there were times at the Sunday party when she looked sad and I did nothing.  In my pictures I took of the group, she looked sad.  So on Monday I started to think about her.  How could I help?  How would that conversation go?  What if she approaches me first?  How would I reply if she said "this" or "that"?

And I wondered, after such a great Sunday party, why was I was obsessed with her?

Today I am thinking of the following quote:

"The key to happiness is letting each situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be."

I want her to respect, love and appreciate me - good and bad.  I want her to be sober and kind not drunk and needy.  I want her to give me real compliments and not back handed aggression.  I want to have a real conversation with her where I can tell her how amazing she is and that if she drops her attitude that we could be great friends and not competition or enemies. 

But

She IS a PD person.  In 20 years of both real and passive effort I have not been able to crack the code.
She IS a person who begrudges my nice features, even though she is objectively much more beautiful than me.
She IS a person who expects others to fawn over her.
She IS a person who pouts at parties when she's not being paid attention to.
She IS a person who withholds invites until the last minute, hoping we will not be able to attend.

I have to accept these realities and stop thinking that someday she will learn, understand or grow.  She DOES treat us unfairly and does NOT deserve our extra efforts at this point in the game.  Truly, we should have excused ourselves and walked away on Saturday night the second she called me a bitch.

I AM the sort of person who doesn't turn her back towards people who need help.
She needs help.
But the reality is that I cannot help her.
I am not equipped and it is not my job.
Only SHE can help herself.
I need to get over myself and accept that my love, kindness and friendship are not going to work.
I need to accept that I'm hurting myself after she hurts me and that is not fair to my life.
These are the facts and I need to move on.

Today I will.

[Poison Ivy]

"The key to happiness is letting each situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be." This is very helpful. Thank you for sharing it.

[feralcat]

Hi. Going to make a new topic, but before I do, I would like to say how inspiring I find your thread. Even if I don't write in very often to Out of the FOG.
Please keep on writing. I'm cheering you on all the way, and you inspire me to post myself ( definitely a reader rather than a contributor, but thinking all the time. It never ends does it ?)

[Hopeful Spine]

Hi. Going to make a new topic, but before I do, I would like to say how inspiring I find your thread. Even if I don't write in very often to Out of the FOG.
Please keep on writing. I'm cheering you on all the way, and you inspire me to post myself ( definitely a reader rather than a contributor, but thinking all the time. It never ends does it ?)

Thanks for these kinds words.  I strive to write my experiences as authentically as possible and at times I review my old posts and try to determine if I'm getting better or going in a wrong direction.

For instance, yesterday I traded PD stories with my new friend.  She was complaining about her person.  I said some comforting things and then shared my most recent PD issue with her.  She seemed to change the subject sort of quickly and I felt put out by that. 

I really do like and trust this newer friend and I was disappointed that I didn't "get" what I wanted from her.  I had posted before about how she let me down in this way and I was starting to doubt my friendship with this person.  Perhaps she doesn't like me as much as I thought.  Perhaps she has a flaw of not really caring - past the surface level.  Maybe she's using me?

She ended the conversation on a good note and I smiled, pretending that I was "okay" with how she just treated me. But thinking more about it this morning I realized a few things.

- Friend was having a stressful day.  She was late to our appointment and she had texted me that she had to finish up something specific and would be there "soon".  That irritated me but I understood the task and was only annoyed because it was going to jam up the rest of my morning.  I solved it by saying, "okay but I will have to leave by xyz for my next appointment so let me know if you run too late."  She was apologetic when she arrived, our appointment was good, and she respected that I had to wrap things up at the time I said.  All was well.

- I complained about my PD after she complained about hers.  She was interested and responsive directly after I shared with her.

And he's the part that is usually left out of these sorts of stories . . .

- I then shared ANOTHER story with her.  And THEN compared it to something else the PD did in the past.  I was detailed enough that I could see her eyes float away and her mind start to wander.  When I finished she kindly smiled and said, "that's terrible . . . well, I should be going."

Opps.

I realized that it's one thing to type endless posts on this thread.  It feels good to know that people read my words.  This is sort of my therapy and I can do this for hours if I choose.  It's also okay to vent to my husband at length when I'm really upset.  It's another thing to side track a conversation and talk - at length - about a person she doesn't personally know. 

My friend DID give me what I needed.   But I took advantage of that feeling and went way longer and much more negatively about my PD person.  I wanted more.  A lot more feedback from her.  She didn't end the conversation quickly.  She GAVE me attention and support.  But she didn't have time in her busy day (or the interest) to just flat out listen to me bitch about a person and relationship she wasn't a part of.

I took advantage of her.  Plus I sort of lied.  I told her earlier that I need to get to an appointment.  And yet, I found time in my schedule to complain.   

I'm embarrassed to say that I KNOW I've done this in the past with other people.  I mistook their confessions and their mutual struggles as something we could bond over.  I have a habit of dwelling and complaining because it FEELS GOOD for someone to say:

"that's terrible."
"I can't believe that happened to you."
"You don't deserve that." 
"He/She is awful and they are lucky you put up with it." 
"Don't listen to them.  You are a good person!"

In the past these words didn't feel like pity.  It felt like something I DESERVED.  And it's never been healthy.

My newer friend isn't a robot.  She didn't share her PD complaint because she wanted to get closer to me, or become my therapist for 20 minutes.  She certainly didn't want to complete with me.  She wanted to vent a little and get on with her day.

I had already vented my annoyances here and with my husband.  I truly didn't "need" to share with someone to get their feedback or to solve my problem.  I am healthy and safe.  I should have shared my first story (it DID feel good) and put my focus back on her or I should have just gave her the support she needed.

My newer friend has probably already forgotten this.  But I am going to remember this and be more appropriate in the future.  Sharing is good.  OVER-sharing, for no reason, is what makes healthy people pause a friendship. 

Because I'm healthy enough to realize for myself:

"it's terrible"  =  "it's terrible the way some people act."
"I can't believe that happened to you."  =   "I'm not surprised that PD treated me that way,"
"You don't deserve that."  =  "I don't deserve that and that is why I am working on boundaries"
"He/She is awful and they are lucky you put up with it."  =  "I am lucky that I don't have to put up with that."
"Don't listen to them.  You are a good person!"  =  "I am a healthy person.  I'm moving on."

I'm not striving for "good person" anymore.  "Healthy person" is my new goal.

[Hopeful Spine]

Another quick post about my PD SIL's most recent antics.

Okay, so she was supposed to invite us to her in-laws party.  She failed to do so until she drunkenly half-told us last week.  Fine.  I knew that would happen.

The party is tonight.

Just now, only hours before the party, she sent a little travel video to a handful of MY (MINE) RANDOM FRIENDS with a fun breezy, "hey we should all go". 

We are all interested in this very specific thing.  However, none of us are ever on a group message together and would NEVER go on a trip together.  Also, in 20ish years, my SIL has never willingly invited me to any sort of fun little trip.  Never.  But today she sends a message including me in something special.  (it will never happen and she knows it).

I suspect this is "love bombing".  She disregarded me and kept me from attending a party that I would have actually went to.  And now, mere hours before said party, she makes up for it by inviting me to an extra special, exclusive, thing that I know will never happen.

A healthy person, who felt bad, would have reached out to me and said, "hey, I was supposed to invite you to this party and I failed to remember.  The party is this evening and I hope you can drop in."  Instead she has arranged it perfectly.  She DID invite me, didn't she?  She did it in such a way that she doesn't have to deal with me tonight.  BUT she has "fixed it" by SHOWING my friends how much of a warm, fun, great SIL she is.        

I'm venting here because I don't want to complain to anyone (except for my husband) in real life.  I'm super annoyed but I'm not going to let it ruin my afternoon.