Prolonged hate and harrassment

[RiverPurl]

Hello

I am hoping people on this forum might be able to help me. I am in a very difficult situation.

I suspect my sister might have a personality disorder of some sort but I am not able to diagnosis her. I am not qualified to do so.  When we were on good terms with each other, there was no major signs at that time. There was some anger and tension with her but nothing too big. 

I don't know where to start with this.

About 9 years ago,
We had some siblings living abroad who emigrated. One of these didn't make much effort with contacting home. My sister developed an issue with this.  She took offence and she read too much into it. She eventually sent some messages to him pulling him up on it and she was accussing him of cutting contact with the family.  He couldn't understand any of what she was saying.  He wasn't cutting contact.  That was what she was telling herself.   He claimed she was abusive in her messages too.

They never patched things up.  When we were on good terms, she wanted a reconciliation with him but she wanted him to make it. I thought at the time, it's a two way thing. There was 100% of blame to him. She was never able to see her own part in that.

Time goes on, about a year or so.

Our sibling abroad has a partner and had a baby together.  She stayed out from all of that. She never wanted to know her new baby niece. She never wished him or his partner congratulations.  She still wanted 100% of reconciliation to come from him in the form of an invite which she never got. 

Times goes on.

I had a row with her one night.  It wasnt on her cutting contact with our brothers and ignoring the birth of our baby niece.  It wa soother things. I didn't like her attitude.  I was also going through a time where my work was busy.m and my schedule for quite some time was intense.  A lot of it was on tiredness and stress.

This set of a nuclear reaction in her against me.

We were never able to patch things up together.

I thought about it after the row and I was going to apologise but work had other ideas and I was in work from morning about 8 or 8.30 am and I didn't get home til 9 at night and I was tired. I thought it will have to wait until I am free at the weekend. But she didn't like that and she started sending me abusive texts.  I tried to defend myself but it made things worse.   

She turned all nuclear on me. I found her to be intimating around the home.

In the months that followed I kept to myself. I did my own thing but there was a lot of tension in the house.  There was a lot of anger from her and passive aggressiveness from her.  Eventually she moved out and at that time she started to send me more and more abusive messages.  I looked and read them and I was going to respond but I decided not to because there was nothing I could say to her to fix this. For example she was accussing me of being jealous of her and that was one of many hundreds of messages during that year alone. I wasn't jealous of her. What can I say to that.  There was nothing.  A lot of the messages were bad from her. Just abusive and accuseing  me of things. Like she claimed that I enjoyed seeing her sick (migraines) and that's just not true.  Again there was nothing I could do.

Time goes on and her messages to me because more intense.  She was texting me that she will make me pay for last year. Then she carried out revenge. During that time I also got messages from her where she said that last year when you were a bitch - I cleaned the toilet with your toothbrush.

At that point, that was it for me.

I got messages from her to say 'you're dead to me'.

Eventually time goes on and a different issue emerges from her and this time it was to our mother. It wasn't based on her fall out to our brother or me. She developed another issue. She became offended at thing where there was no harm or offence meant.  Me sister grew that offence in her mind.

At this stage, another sibling (brother B) was getting sick of her and he had no time for her drama and he was stepping back from her and limiting contact with her.

She estranged herself from the family. We all took steps back and went no contact as best as we can.  She wasn't able to respect the estrangement that she implemented.

Basically the family has been on the receiving end of an abusive and harrassing campaign from her. For years. It's complicated.

She goes from one to the other in her campaign. 

She likes to rehash her issues with us and a lot of the time she is demanding for answers from us but all of it is always sprinkled with insults and mockery and unwritten threats.   There was always an unwritten 'or else' in her communications. We all received a level of revenge from her.  I have a list the length of my arm. A lot of the time, it's again and again and again with her. She is never satisfied with her revenges. I am not willing to write about the revenges but all of it has been vile.

The family took appropriate steps - changing numbers and blocking her.  I even brought this to the police twice and also to lawyers but I didn't get anywhere. The police didn't want to know because she there wasn't any physical violence from her. They said its a civil matter. Lawyers never wanted to touch this and bounced us back to the police.

At one point a few years ago I sat down with my phone and I wrote a note to send as a message. I was mindful of her state and I was careful not to throw blame her way and I was owning my part. I was working through the messages she was sending me and giving her the answers she was looking for. It wasn't enough. She rebutted it and led me around in circles and just tried to enrage me.  I left it and never again.

Me and brother b got the brunt of her campaign and she went down the route of contacting employers and friends and partners. I think she was maybe trying to force us to respond to her. I don't know what she wants or what she's looking for anymore.

She's clearly being triggered in some way in her own life and then she just smashes that back onto me or others in the family whereever her anger lies at any time.

This is so scary now because this is prolonged from her. We haven't seen her in years. We haven't spent any time together in over half a decade but her focus is still on the family.

I got more communications from her over the past few weeks which I blocked. It's the same things. It's insults and making points up that had nothing to do with us falling out and unwritten 'or else'. Sure enough my employer got another round from her. This weekend my employer got a friend request from her which she never accepted.


This is an issue now in that she's never going to go away. She's never going to deal with her own feelings and reflect on her own part. She will always place 100% of blame on all of us and when she gets angry and angry and angry again she will make us pay over and over and over again. I think she has unwritten goals too in all of this. She is evil.

[RiverPurl]

I will give a rough time line of the history

2013 - fell out with brother A.
2014 - ignored the birth of our niece
2014 - me and her had a row
2015 - early abusive messages from her to me
2015 - fell out with our mom.
2016 - fell out with Brother B.
2017 - death in family. She came home and we were all able to park the past behind us and get on well. Within a month something annoyed her and she started lashing out again into my phone and then she went one by one against us all again.
2018 - she was at her worst with her communications. Her communications were all electronic and they were vile and vulgar.  She did a few things that were utterly despicable during this time.
2019 to 2022 - her communications and revenges continued on and off.

[RiverPurl]

How can I get this to stop?

All the ignoring and grey rocking in the world doesn't stop it.

The authorities never helped me.  When I went for a second time to the police, I felt interrogated by him in that he asked me - 'what are you doing to her'.

I'm not doing anything to her. We had a row. I tried to apologise to her after that row but she was passive aggressive and she was having none of it from me.  She cut contact and I walked from this.  I'm living my life now and I am happy without her and that's all.

I can't go on any more with this going on.  I am refused to have peace in my life because she crops up whenever she feels like it and starts lashing out. Some of the stuff that she wrote to me and did to me is unforgivable.  I have nothing to say to her anymore. I can't fix this between us.

[moglow]

Sounds like her noias travel with more than just a pair... Sometimes in this world, there are just people you can't be civil with. She sounds hellbent on wreaking havoc due to her own internal chaos. Is that yours to fix or apologize for? No. Can you control it? Also no.

I had a good deal of that with my mother via text, blocked her for years then like an idiot I caved to pressure and unlocked her [big mistake!]. Somewhere along the way miraculously she didn't receive my responses anymore, while she could send anything she wanted. She'd send a string of random ugliness and accusations, claimed to not get my responses, so she'd call and leave voicemails. When I tried to call her back and find level ground [silly me] she didn't answer, but would send yet more texts. I'm fairly sure she blocked my texts and either lied or forgot how to undo it. So now I don't even try to respond. I'm just not going to play anymore.

My point? When someone chooses to be angry and abusive, there's not one thing you can do other than remove yourself from the line of fire. What they say to others has not one thing to do with you and you can't stop any of it. They can block her just like you, and I'd encourage it - maybe employer needs to tell her you don't work there anymore and they don't know how to reach you either.

You can't do one thing about her behavior other than refusing to soak it in. It's not your stuff, really. At *best* I'd tell her "This has gone on way too long - you seriously need to get some help."

[lkdrymom]

She sounds mentally ill.  How does she manage contact if everyone has changed their numbers?

[RiverPurl]

She sounds mentally ill.  How does she manage contact if everyone has changed their numbers?

Bt getting around Facebook blocks. That's the main way.

My mother doesn't use the Internet or social media and my mother used to get mail in the post.  Reading the mail and it's all bad and twisted. Upon further inspection - the writing is all over the place.  The letters are not straight.  The letters are slanting to right and left and its all over the place.  Reading it and it's clear it was written in a deep emotional state. Definitely something disturbed about it.

Other ways trying to force contact is through other people on the facebook/messenger. Anybody who she remembers is associated with us.

[moglow]

Feel free to tell people outright: She's disturbed and there's nothing you can do to help. If you could, you would have a long time ago. Encourage them to employ the block function as well, even report her messages as spam or harassment if necessary. If they WANT to communicate with her, fine. That's all on them and not.your.stuff.

[Srcyu]

I had a sister (older) who thought she could barge into my orbit and cause me upset via snail mail and Facebook.
We exchanged unpleasantries for some time. Finally it dawned on me that she actually had nothing better to do. I was feeding her ego while she attempted playing psychological  games with me. A few of her ridiculous family members also tried joining in.

We need clarity with people like this, insight into what actually drives them.

With her it was festering uncharitable thoughts and (what a surprise) money. Her bullying tendencies from childhood never actually went away.

I dropped the tug-of-war rope and left her trying to manipulate the thing on her own. These people are pathetic
and have earned themselves contempt.

Your mindset concerning her behaviour gives her the power to keep disturbing you. You hint at terrible things that she has done. I'm sorry to hear that.  Because she reaches you via the internet, she actually only exists on your screen. She has nothing better to do - she is feeding off you - she is pathetic, lost and immature.

You have the burden of this troublesome person. How you feel about that could change with the right help.

[Big Bear]

River Purl,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through.  I would agree that your sister definitely has a deep personality disorder.  I am sorry that your attempts to block her have been only partly successful.  We do what we can, but it can be difficult to completely disappear from the PDs in our lives.  With someone so determined, it is likely that at least a few messages could get past the walls of protection.

I would hope that you could work on the healing that occurs inside of you.  That way, if she is able to sneak a message past your attempts to block her, at least the sting would be softened.  That sounds simple, but I understand that in real life it is not always so easy.  Stay strong!  Thinking of you.

Big Bear

[RiverPurl]

I have some sort of a suspicion as to why she's doing what she's doing.

I think anytime some goes wrong or not right in her life, she smashes it back home to one or the other of us in anger and rage and abuse and revenge and shaming us and humiliation us. Thats what I think it is.

There are a few online forums closer to home and more local.  I found an account and although it's a made up name, the writings indicate its her.

I think this time, she is triggered by Christmas.  This isn't a surprise.  This seems to be it now every year. She cut herself off from the family and she will be spending it doing her own thing.  But she has bought into the image of Christmas that the media pushes that its a big happy family affair and that families are all rocking around Christmas trees and partying it up. Maybe she has nostalgia from our own youth too.

I came across a post online from her where she will have a Christmas alone.  She wrote it saying she will spend it alone because her family are abuse but she's used to.

I read it and I thought it was written from a place to gain sympathy from her readers.  There's no reason for her to be alone. She had 7 years+ to carve out her own family.  Does she not have any friends to go to? Our parents are separated and she gets on well with our father. She could spend Christmas with him. Why is she still blaming the family for her spending it alone? I don't get it. She even wrote that she has a boyfriend but he's spending it with his family and some posters were wondering why he's not including her.

Anyways she seems to have some upset feelings about Christmas and she is smashing it back onto me and the family. Basically her Christmas will be alone and she won't be happy and in her mind - nobody else is going to have a nice or a good or a happy Christmas and out to ruin it as if we are all going to have a big lavish Christmas holiday like the TV and movies. In reality for me it will be one or two days off work.  I will help mom but there will be no big Christmas meal or party.

Horrible horrible horrible person.

At no point over the past number of years did she ever text me anything nice or anything to reconcile. It was all abuse.  She wants answers from me while she hates the ground I am on.  I don't have what she's looking for.  I tried before. I tried engaging with her before and I was respectful but she rebutted it. She has narrative about us all and I wasn't feeding into it.

I'm so sick of it. She's been going on like this for 6 years. I can't fix this or give her what she wants.

Her whole entire stance and demeanour is one of hate. The vulgarness from her. The poison. The twisting of everything. 

How do I get this to stop.

Engaging with her didn't work because she ran everything around into circles and rebutted it and turned vulgar.
Going to the authorities was useless. 

I can't go on any more like this. Every time that she is not happy or there's something not going well she lashes out.

[RiverPurl]

Every fiber of my being was questioned from her.

[RiverPurl]

One of my brothers summed it up well - other people killed themselves for a lot less.

I think she has a goal but she never voiced it or wrote it down and that's what it is. To break us down because she's not happy.

[moglow]

RiverPurl, it sounds so much like my mother it's sickening. She pushed and shoved and abused and belittled everyone around until we're all gone. So it's our fault she's alone - and at this point, I'm learning to be okay with that. I don't necessarily enjoy it and see it as incredibly sad, but there's not one thing I can do for her. I tried, for decades, and she just wasn't interested. Now everyone who listened to her ugliness in the past is gone, so she can keep her spite and vitriol. I can and will be surface, grocery store checkout line polite when called upon to do so, but beyond that it's a no thank you for me.

You can't change another person. She/they have to make that choice and keep on making better choices or she'll stay mired in that mess forever. Understand also, it's not your stuff on any level. You can't change, didn't cause and can't control anything other than your own responses. Beating yourself up over her stuff hurts no one but you. Whatever demons she's fighting, she has to get help with. You can't do that for her, not even by absorbing all the poison she spews.