Daughter blaming me for Gs saying profanity and more

[Nomoretoday]

So I haven't posted here before but need to. My daughter who I gave up for adoption has some issues. She hasn't been diagnosed as NPd but some of her behaviors make me question if she is.
Recent incident of having me fly in on my birthday so I could watch her son/my grandchild while she went on vacation. I do say cuss words and it's a habit I'm not proud of. I did say shit and a couple of other words, mostly under my breathe or when driving. I made a conscious effort not to say them but they did slip out. I apologized to my grandson and told him those are words Nanny shouldn't use and I was very wrong for saying them.
Here's the thing she's saying that all the cussing he is doing is from me, while she herself uses profanity pretty frequently including at my grandchild or listens to music with a ton of profanity in it while driving with my grandson.
She's also saying he's negative because of me and is saying food is yucky or gross. The only thing I said was gross/yucky was food that fell on the ground while we were at a museum. My husband and I both said the food was yucky or gross now because people walk through where the food fell. According to her he is saying all kinds of food is yucky or gross and that's my fault as he's never done that before.
I constantly hear how I am wrong about what I say or do. She'll ask me for advice and then yell or berate for or tell me I'm causing her to have insecurities. Like when she asked me about a swimsuit and I said one cup just didn't seem to fit right and offered to give her money to buy another when she got to where she was going, that gave her self esteem issues, even though I explained it could be the cut of the cup or that her one breast was slightly larger which is normal for women.
When we went shopping prior to her leaving she got into me for my grandson getting too much sugar (I was buying treats for fun times for my grandson and I) but then while she was away said she didn't care about how much sugar he was eating.
Her brothers won't talk to her, not her adopted brothers (3) or my son's (2). My son's tell me they don't want the drama that my daughter brings their lives and that she has lied about people and they don't like it.
She has defended me to some people then will tell me how wrong I am about whatever it is.
When I told her she was being super critical of me my last day there, I got a 20 minute lecture about how her feelings count and mine not valid because I was being too sensitive. She then explained that when she asked me repeatedly what was wrong and I either said nothing or I was hurting that I should have answered her and explained (had cancer and the post treatment issues are still here including pain, I also have serious autoimmune issues) She said I was slamming doors and stuff around which I wasn't, I was just making sure my stuff was packed and I hadn't lost anything.
Everytime I've done something to help her she criticizes me or blames me for something going wrong. I've gone above and beyond for her numerous times. My boys have gotten mad at me for helping her because she seems to make me feel like crap everytime.
I've been told by my husband that she uses my grandchild to manipulate me to get what she wants. I do love her and my grandchild. I've suggested she gets counseling which caused me to get a lecture about how she doesn't need it or can't afford it.
Oh one more thing, she has a small part time job with a friend of hers but won't put my almost 3yr old grandchild in daycare and get a job she can support herself with. Instead she replies on us to buy stuff she needs, in fact I mentioned buying a table off craigslist or Facebook market place cheap for her, so yesterday she sends me a link for a table she wants. I've told her repeatedly I get a very small disability check and that's it.
She told me that me getting cancer was my fault. Anytime I mention my health issues she tends to be dismissive or competition like. I've told her repeatedly to go to the doctor and get tested for autoimmune issues. When she had medicaid she couldn't because of the grandchild, now it's she can't afford it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm absolutely heartbroken over this

[bloomie]

Nomoretoday - Wow! This sounds incredibly painful to be experiencing with your daughter. My heart just hurts for how much pain I can read in the lines of your post. It must be a complicated relationship to begin with as, if I am understanding correctly, you didn't raise this daughter. There must be a lot of layers of emotion to work through between the two of you.

In times like this... when you are in what sounds like a no win situation with a beloved family member, it has helped me to step back and examine my limits and determine what is working and what is not working in the interactions.

So, looking at your resources - your energy, health, time, financial, spiritual and emotional limits - what can you reasonably offer your daughter? Is it reasonable to subsidize your daughter's life financially? Is it wise to watch her child for a significant period of time when she has expressed she is unhappy with how you do that?

When your daughter speaks disrespectfully to you every time you have helped her is it truly loving her and  yourself to keep giving and doing not requiring a reasonable level of appreciation and respect in the relationship?

I have found that as long as I continue to engage in an unhealthy dynamic with a family member I will be heartbroken and miserable and it is the biggest threat to the relationship there could be. No one can hold up under this kind of criticism and emotional storms forever. The injustice of how you are allowing yourself to be treated will eventually overwhelm you, if it hasn't already.

The Toolbox is your friend in this swirl of emotion and I suspect obligation you may feel for this daughter. Read through the Top 100 Traits and begin to work on boundaries and limits for yourself in this relationship and to develop a toolset that will give you some strategies when faced with what sounds like pretty emotionally immature and destructive behaviors from your grown daughter toward you.

Good luck with all of this. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing!

[Srcyu]

Your daughter may hold resentment for being adopted. She might be blaming you for your grandson's swearing and other stuff when in fact she is still resenting the adoption. It's deep stuff. She may want you to be the perfect grandmother since you didn't raise her yourself.
I don't know if the adoption worked out well, sometimes they don't.
I feel she is still blaming you for her past. She sounds as though she wants perfect answers from you, answers that you can't possibly know about. The business with the swimsuit - through no fault of your own, she still feels let down. She may have high hopes and then is constantly disappointed.

I can only offer this possible insight.

[square]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I don't have any particularly relevant experience here, but here are my general thoughts.

Cussing
You won't win an argument with a PD, so don't try. So just let these accusations roll off with medium chill or gray rock paired with not Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining. So when she tells you GS has been cussing, you can say things like (in a tone like when your neighbors complain to you about their mail delivery woes) "oh my goodness," "what a shame," "well, don't that just beat all." When she tightens the screws to make sure you are fully blamed just say mildly "well I shall certainly do my best," "we'll give it another shot," "I'll keep that in mind, dear." Unfortunately it won't really change her but can let the air out of what might otherwise turn into this huge blowup and ongoing drama.

Yucky
Same thing. Don't actually accept the blame but don't try to change her mind (you won't). Same phrases as above.

Advice
She has shown you that she is not looking for honesty. Next time just tell her the swimsuit looks darling on her. I'd use a mild tone of voice, though, because she may demand more and more accolades if she finds your praise really good. Just give her the minimum.

Offers of help
She has shown you she will not happily accept and appreciate offers of help or gifts, but leverage the situation for maximum gain. I would honestly avoid this in the future. I'd just stick with minimal gifts at holidays and birthdays.

Sugar
Probably same as the cussing stuff. I actually wish my mother would have respected my choices to limit sugar for my kid, but I can't really take it seriously if it's not a real thing she is doing, but just weaponizing it against you. If for some reason she really does have diet restrictions, honor them and just let it roll off you. If she doesn't, do your thing and use the approach above and just don't worry about it.

Heart to heart
Don't bother. If you tell her that her criticisms hurt, apparently she sees this as an attack. You won't get anywhere. So don't tell her. You can decide to spend less time with her or do other things to protect yourself, but talking to her about it will only increase her resentment. If you do decide to spend less time, don't tell her why, just be "busy."

Health issues
Don't tell her she needs to be tested for this or that. Or you could mention it once (you already have) and let it be. This is good advice for everyone. No need to try to make her do anything, it's her choice, though I understand and admire your concern. Also you don't get good reception when you mention your health issues. I'd reduce my mentions to just whatever I felt was necessary ("I'd love to go on this hike with you but I just won't be able to keep up") and that's it. I'd have a hard time letting comments like "it was your fault you got cancer" roll off, I'm so sorry. I would leave the room, end the call, whatever, on this one. But mostly I would try to avoid it coming up, and get my support from safe people.

Your family
Your boys feel she is taking advantage of you. It's your choice to have a relationship with her at a level you feel comfortable with, even if your boys disagree. But it may be worth considering if you could continue a relationship with better boundaries so as to not be taken advantage of so much. Same with your husband, it may be worth considering what he may be seeing so you can protect yourself better.

Counseling
Don't tell her to get counseling. You've done it once, let it be. People often don't care to be told this, PD or not.

Her job
Also her problem. Don't make it yours. Don't fund her choices. Don't tell her to get a job. She'll get a job or not, but not because you told her to. In fact, she might resist doing things just because you suggested them.

[Nomoretoday]

Thank you all for the advice.
As for her resenting me because I gave her up for adoption. I even chose an open one so that she would know that I loved her and wanted the best for her and I told her the truth including being afraid I wouldn't be a good mother when I was so young and had no support. That's something she needs to get help to deal with and not take out on me. I did what was best for her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
She started this stuff about her mother abusing her a few years ago, years after she met me. We've known each other for 12 years now. She's in her 30's. I don't know what is or isn't true because she will blatantly lie to me. Lies we both know aren't true, so what is true when she tells me this stuff.
I have kept contact because of my grandchild, she lives in a different state than I do. I love her dearly and only want the best for both of them. I try to help each of my kids if they come to me and ask. I feel bad when in the past I haven't been able to help.
Before I got there my grandson wasn't doing some things and while I was there I got him to do them without a fight. It has been brought up that maybe that hurt her feelings I was able to get him to do the things she couldn't and hence this new drama (my wrong doing). I knew when I went there she would start something, I just wanted to help, give her a little break, and spend some time with my grandson. The day before I left and the day before she got back I was on edge because I know how she is.
Another weird thing is she keeps telling me we aren't that far apart in age. I was 19 when I had her. I don't know why this is a big deal to her.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Nomoretoday, my heart goes out to you.  How fortunate for your grandson you are in his life.

I love everything that's been said.  And I'm paying close attention because I have a situation with a grown son which has many similarities, though I did raise him.

He had a very tough childhood.  It was from some unfortunate issues, like health stuff, that he was born with.  So I wasn't the cause of it.  I wasn't perfect, but I worked my tush off trying to do everything I could to help him.    Still I've always felt something like regret or guilt that, as his mother, I couldn't give him a wonderful start in life.

Because of that regret/guilt/whatever-it-is, I tolerated behavior I otherwise wouldn't.  Perhaps you could say I enabled it.  I wanted to always be a soft place for him to land.  Sometimes that turned me into a doormat.  For his sake and mine, I've started putting up better boundaries.  I think I was, unwittingly, enabling him to become better at manipulating.    And I don't want that for him, or for me either.

It's hard.  It's hard because I'm his mother and I could not give him what he needed and that breaks my heart.  So putting up strong boundaries is the last thing I feel like doing.   I wonder if you also have something like guilt or regret even though you did what was best for her.  It does complicate things.