Making my way out

[teatreehuile]

Hello all, I'm so glad my therapist turned me onto this site. I'll get to how I found this wonderful place, but let me introduce myself and describe my situation.

From a high level, I'm a working professional and sole breadwinner. DW was raised by NPD and is likely NPD herself. She also has GAD (on SSRI, but perhaps not 100% managed), and it has been a heavy burden on our double-digit year marriage. No kids, thankfully, we decided early on that no kids was the way to go due to theological differences.

For myself, I am the baby of a rather large religious family, but I decided to leave the religion in my late teens. Part off the baggage I acquired from this religion was the whole "service before self" and I took that to heart. Add onto that being very empathetic, it's easy to see why I fell into this trap. DW was raised in a fundamentalist religion as a NPD pastor's daughter.

We met in college, and it was the first true relationship either of us had experienced. I had concerns, but she eventually gave me an ultimatum and I caved. First few years of marriage were super stressful, being starving college students, and add in intimacy issues because we waited until marriage. Some very hurtful things were said to me about my anatomy, which crippled my confidence and made me dread sex. Eventually, I stopped initiating, she eventually got diagnosed GAD, started an SSRI and her desire dropped off a cliff. Bedroom was on life support for a long time. My career brought us to where we live now, and DW continued working on a creative freelance career that doesn't bring in any money, working only 2-4 hours per day. However, she does take care of a greater share of the domestic responsibilities, but she definitely resents me for it. However, I have only been supportive of what she wants to do, and if that means I take on more cooking responsibilities, or doing the laundry, then so be it. But no, DW still agrandizes her sacrifices while downplaying mine.

Recently, it all came to a head. I approached her for a serious discussion about our intimacy, saying it wasn't sustainable for me, how I wasn't feeling at all desired anymore, and I wanted to help figure out how to fix it. The discussion quickly spiraled into a tear-filled, nausea-inducing hellscape that lasted the whole weekend. She made it very clear that MAYBE out intimacy would be better if I had done A, B and C, and not done X, Y, and Z. I conceded, apologized for my past mistakes, and vowed to work on them. We also started couples counselling and I started individual counselling myself. Mostly the same things were discussed in couples therapy, but I was noticing a distinct lack of things she needed to work on. Mostly, she just needed to work on coping mechanisms for her anxiety so she wouldn't lash out at me. That did improve, and our communication improved significantly, but that just brought to light vast differences in our values. And the verbal abuse didn't stop. After several sessions, my therapist picked up on the FOG I'm experiencing. Fear of her tantrums, obligation to support her and not leave, and guilt over my past mistakes or faults. He sent me here.

After a few months of trying, we were starting to get back on track. We took a trip to a tropical destination and we had both expressed how excited we were to have more intimacy.  However, things didn't go as expected, she wasn't in the mood as much we'd hoped, but I was willing to let it go. However, things went somewhat wild from there. I guess she was feeling pressured with all of the affection I was giving, so I backed off some. She then said, "I've been trying to keep you on a schedule so you don't leave me. I know how you need sex." I told her that's not at all what I want, I want to feel desired again, that it's important for my emotional well-being and self-esteem, and "keeping me on a schedule" is not a solution. She replied, "It's only a physical need for me, that's how it is for all women, which is probably why they make good prostitutes".    I was quite taken aback by that, especially from someone that claims to be a staunch feminist. She then asked me why I was so resistant to sex early on in the marriage, and I explained how her comments about my size were hurtful and ruined my confidence for quite some time. I dreaded sex for many years because I was pummeled with abuse like that every time.

Since then, things have been very tense. She's said hurtful jokes that imply my value is tied to the money I make. She claims that I objectify her by only paying her compliments on her looks, which is blatantly false. I don't dare act like anything is amiss, because she becomes inconsolable when it seems like I might leave her. But one thing is for sure, I need out. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm meeting with a lawyer soon to discuss legal and financial details. What scares me the most is actually getting out. I've read the guide on how to leave a PD partner, but it still scares me, all the guilt I'm going to feel destroying her world. Any advice on weathering the emotions would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, hello to all those out there dealing with similar situations. I feel less lonely, now that I'm here.