Did I intervene in an appropriate way?

[Anna24]

My sister is undx BPD, and returned from rehab in July. She relapsed in September. All family was home for Thanksgiving, and she seemed very distressed and in bad mood/bad shape. I thought it was quite obvious; she was solemn, disengaged, and not taking care of her appearance (was wearing same pajamas around house for days, with guests visiting).  She even sometimes walked out of the room, spaced out, and not communicating with anyone. I was so confused... nobody pulled her aside, asked her how she was doing, or even seemed to pay much attention. I think a few family noticed... I think they looked sad/helpless.

It is very weird for me to see her in such bad shape, and nothing being addressed openly. I asked her if anyone had checked in with her, and she said no, and then went into a spiral of 'oh no, was I so obviously struggling? I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable.'  I just told her I was sad for her, and wondered how I could help. I also said I felt it could be lonely, if she is struggling and nobody is acknowledging it. She said 'everyone knows I have my therapist and my treatment team'. I still feel it is very strange that nobody addressed her clearly deteriorating state. She agreed, cautiously. She did not thank me for checking in, and overall seemed slightly offended. She said she would ask our other sister is she noticed anything. Sounded to me that she was not necessarily appreciating my inquiry, and mostly worried that others noticed her relapse, and wanted to hide it, or see how far she could push things to provoke some of us.



Did I do something wise? Something risky? Honestly, I feel it can be worse for everyone to stay silent when someone is suffering. She admitted that she has had a full relapse to drugs and alcohol. This means she is on illicit drugs right now. Why would our parents not talk with her? No check-in from our other siblings? I'm not sure what to do, because my parents are often in denial, and desperate to just push it away to the treatment team. Saying nothing to her seems like colluding with her issue of secrecy, yet confronting is really tricky with BPD and substance abuse. Wisdom to share?

[Gwendolyn]

Thank you for sharing and loving concern for your sister can never be wrong. It sounds like more of a 'check-in' than an intervention in the classic sense where a user is faced with an ultimatum about their drug or alcohol use.

Seems like you are recognizing the family fog of dysfunction.

If it's any consolation there is a quote in al-anon called the 3Cs.  It refers to the drinking of another person:

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it


....so there it is....
You love your sister.
She has a different relationship with your parents than you do.

You're working on yourself and your FOG issues surrounding the family dynamics.

She has a therapist and a team and a place to live right now and she has all the lessons of rehab under her belt.  SHE KNOWS what recovery means and what effort it will take.

You are in a position to start learning about detaching with love.   You are not doing anything wrong.  It's just that with active users or alcoholics we can become emotianally enmeshed thinking there is something we can do or say to make them stop.  We wrack our brains hoping to find a way to help.  But all the recovery programs conclude that only the user can make the decision to quit. And only the user can make the efforts required for recovery.

We can love them and still detest the behavior.  You might consider going to a few al-anon meetings to meet with others who have actively spiraling users in their lives.  I don't envy you but I know from bitter experience that it helps no-one if I abandon my own routines and selfcare to over involve myself in issues for which I have no formal training. Ie: if love and pandering could stop people from using drugs and alcohol, millions and millions would have quit already.

No matter what happens now and in the future, you have a separate destiny and you deserve to fulfill your own destiny no matter how many ways your dysfunctional family members are self destructing right now.

We need to be a lighthouse and not a lifeboat.

Live your best life everyday.

When users are ready to change their lives we will be the example of clean and healthy living they can use for inspiration.  Stay strong.

[Big Bear]