Attacking the door

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Oh my. I'm low contact with my PD parents. I decided to pop back for Christmas and it is a long drive. I got in quite late, and quietly nipped in through a side route to brush my teeth in the small bathroom (the main bathroom is upstairs). I had my briefly nipped out of the bathroom and I saw my PD brother (49, who lives with my parents) in the living room, so I made polite chit chat, before walking back to the bathroom, my brother started walking to bathroom at the same time, and I politely explained that I was brushing my teeth/using the bathroom, and so he stormed off! Note: I definitely wasn't rude or anything like that, but it was a little boundary / bit of assertiveness. Anyway, I went to the bathroom and locked the door and finishing washing my face, brushing my teeth etc.

Anyway, a few minutes later he came back and started violently kicking at the door and attacking it. He started swearing at me etc. There was another (larger) bathroom he could use and there was really no need for it.

Anyway, I have made sure to avoid my brother and am staying somewhere else.

As weird as it sounds I'm almost glad to be reminded of how bad things were growing up (he has been away most of the time). It takes away the denial. Usually I would try and find a way I could have avoided it, think about what I 'did wrong'. I think it was just such an example of unprovoked aggression, it's an interesting reminder that I didn't cause it, and I'm not to blame for it!

Even my mum said he was out of line later on.

Also - I rang a domestic violence line. I did think of calling the police as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading!

[Starboard Song]

Wow. That escalated quickly.

You probably did right to de-escalate and get out. That is terribly unfortunate to have that to come home to. Thank you for sharing.

[Hattie]

Good grief, he sounds deranged! How horrible after your long drive. Good for you for calling the DV hotline; that is definitely not normal behaviour.

[nanotech]

Please don't be on your own with him ever again.
Meeting the parents elsewhere, would be what I'd do.
This is the guy that sat in your chair and refused to move. There's huge issues here with the space you take up around him.
Hitting doors and swearing? Nope.
If this were a friend or colleague etc you would never see them again, and you would take action to ensure your future safety in every way possible. Treat this the same way. Keep safe and stay well away.

[JollyJazz]

Dear Starboard song, Hattie and Nanotech,

Thanks so much for your understanding and replies. It really means a lot! Especially since I've felt my concerns minimized and invalidated before.

It is interesting, because there's just this strange PD tendency to violate personal space, that I think is a red flag or stepping stone towards violence.

Starboard song, thank you 
Yes, I sure was glad for that lock on the door! He was literally kicking and smashing on it. Truly bizarre, over me wanting to use the restroom I was already using!!!

Hattie, thanks so much for your understanding and validating response. Yes, it was really good to talk to the domestic violence line. They gave me a good action plan for the future. Yes, and it was especially awful given that I had driven so far, and was exhausted. I was so stressed out after that happened I couldn't sleep.

Hi Nanotech, thanks for this. Yes, I am definitely avoiding him in future, and the domestic violence line said to call the police.

Last time I visited my parents he made a point of walking into my room, and as per my last post, sitting at my seat at the dinner table (which had my food in front of it) when I temporarily got up from the table. It's definitely a strange and awful behavior.

You are right, it's so important to remember that we shouldn't give family a free pass when it comes to abuse! I'm still wondering whether I should call the police now. I definitely will next time. Anyway, thanks again for your understanding reply.

Thanks everyone for being so kind and understanding!!! Much appreciated 

[nanotech]

Yes that's what the parents often do. They minimise/ normalise the PD behaviour.
My mother used to actually rewrite the script for my Unpdbrother's/ UNPDsister actions, and totally misrepresent them back to me. I was gaslighted thus until persuaded to give in by minimising everything myself too, usually ending up 'being the bigger person' -which is PD code for 'suck it up and smile'. 
There was never any hint of their being accountable for their actions. My brother? Never. My sister? - sometimes faux apologies blaming her medication. Once I was drawn back into the  'fold' through  a lot of lovebombing, then the whole toxic cycle would begin again.

My parents would minimise it all. Basically, if I wanted to remain in the family I had to accept it. There was some  very high conflict at first when I began not to. Because I called my brother out, I was banned from my parent's home for a time. 
I was eventually allowed to go see them on the understanding I didn't talk about how my brother had treated me. My mum was dying, so I complied. OMG did I have to fawn to even  get in, then I had  to listen to so much praise of him while there, nodding and smiling so I could just see my BPD mum.
If I'd just realised at the time - there was no point in standing up for myself - he was never going to do any wrong in their eyes. And my sister was just a victim of circumstance so 'allowances needed to be made' .
So I stopped trying to make them see. 
As I came Out of the FOG, I used all of the tools and the support on this website. I stopped trying to make them see or change them. I no longer sought their backing or approval. I changed myself instead.  I'm VVLC with Ndad now. NC  with the PD siblings It does work. It does. Lack of opportunity is a killer to their sense of ownership/ entitlement and their need to dominate and destroy our self esteem.
In narcissistic/ PD  people, putting other family members down reinforces the false sense of self they have built up to disguise their incredibly low view of themselves. This is why they turn on the loud and railing, the insensitive, the cruel, even violent behaviour. 
They sense the walls falling in around them and they panic.  They try to strengthen them through  mocking, sarcasm, discard, anger and vindictiveness toward us.
We don't want to believe this stuff about our own family, but we must. It's so hard to think you can't arrive at your family home and feel anything other than welcome, or even safe. 
He knows he won't be held accountable.  Parents are subconsciously  colluding with it. You probably can't change that but You can change your own actions. Be your own family and your own best friend.  Then seek out more relationships, taking care that these are healthier ones.  The world is a big place and there are good kind balanced fair people in it. Take great care looking, but do look.

Read up on trauma bonding- this is why it's hard to break free at first. Our emotions want us to return as we have convinced ourselves that eventually we will change these PDS and gain approval. In fact, THEIR self esteem relies upon their  consistent cycle of ultimate NON approval of us.
It also makes it tricky when we are choosing new relationships. We can fall into the trap of searching out our own family!  Trauma bonding can often attract us to other PD types. We do this subconsciously. Then we try to resolve the problems with them that we couldn't resolve within our own family.  So take care. Only saying because I've done this! There were some red flags, which I chose to ignore!
All  of us on here understand and we have your back.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Nanotech,

Thanks very much for this!
Yes, it sounds like we have a similar situation.

My brothers all know that they can get away with horrible behavior towards me. There was always just such a double standard growing up. They could lash out and be a aggressive as they wanted, but I couldn't even politely set a boundary or ask for anything.

My mother has been a little bit more supportive, but she can be two-faced, and also sides with my brother.

I've decided to really go for it on the self-growth this year, finding healthier people to be around!

Thanks very much for your support, it is incredibly helpful and appreciated. Best wishes for your journey this year, as well.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Nanotech,

WOW! Did our parents go to the same training school?

The latest developments in my PD family mirror yours so closely!

So... my brother is very violent and abusive, but nevertheless, my mother in particular continues to coddle him.

She totally minimized the latest door attack on me, and both my parents started claiming that I must have done something wrong etc... (I was very polite to him) and pointed the finger at me (of course). The latest is that their solution is for my brother to stay at their house and so I just have to stay elsewhere when I come back to my home town...

Honestly, once she said I had to stay in a tent outside when I visited (because my brother etc. were visiting), something she would NEVER say to my brother! I'm so sick of the double standards and abuse!

I work full time, I studied, I volunteer, I'm kind, and upstanding citizen etc. And of course am polite, kind etc. But according to my parents never polite or deferential enough.

Anyway, I'm just feeling so sick of it all - this time I just decided to stay with some of my lovely friends. I'm starting to feel the illusion passing.... and I'm feeling much better for it.

You're right on the trauma bonding reminder. I have read about it before - but I'll dive in again. Any other resources are always welcome 

All  of us on here understand and we have your back.

Thank you!!! This means a lot!!

[nanotech]

Hi I'm sending you hugs. Please know that people on here understand your pain and have your back.
Victim blaming is a huge part of their denial process. It's a tough one to accept. They just turn away from reality and call a blue sky pink if that's what it takes to preserve their illusion about their son. It's nothing you can change, yet you can respond.
Here's to boundaries. Staying with friends is one. X
XxxxX

[JollyJazz]

Hi Nanotech,

Thanks so much for this. Your message came at a good time as well!

I've been struggling quite a lot lately, and it's so great to have this support!

I am in my home town, and kind of feeling hurt and outcast, it's so crazy making being the scapegoat.

But I am working on self care and personal growth, thanks so much for your help and support!!

:)xx

[nanotech]

Just keep going! My therapist once asked me what it would be like if I just stopped thinking about what my family of origin thought of me.
We discussed how I had different values, perspectives and beliefs from them. This was a big clue as to why/ how I actually FELT different, and rather than see that as a negative, as it's been spun to us by our FOO, instead, to embrace that as a positive. Which of course, is what it is!
So feel free to feel different! It's a good thing! Xx

[JollyJazz]

Thank you Nanotech!!!

I am making a concerted effort to connect more with friends and positive people that lift me up!

I am also doing lots of self growth type work at the moment. Thank you again!