Christmas & wedding & boundaries

[Hilly]

I’ve just set a boundary with my sister around Christmas. She asked me via a message about meeting up because her son apparently wants to see my kids. I’ve hosted a lot in the past and the last time we spent Christmas together she spent it teasing my 4 year old son taking his presents from him and downing two bottles of wine. My parents just sat there smiling and too scared to say anything. It was rubbish and I don’t want to see her.

I said that I wanted to have a quiet Christmas with my husband & kids and said I hope she has a nice Christmas. She responded by telling me she has not many friends because in her words ‘maybe I’m too weird or too horrible for folks’ (wants to take me on guilt trip I guess) and ‘that’s why family is important’ (guilt again) and ‘ if I’ve done something wrong then tell me so I can correct it’. She keeps also messaging me asking me if I’m ok and then when I say I’m fine she tells me she knows I’m not ok and is concerned.

My sister does not respond at all well to being told anything re boundaries or her behaviour -  she is a master gaslighter and triangular so I don’t bother any more with trying to talk to her about her behaviour. I do try to communicate boundaries though as I think it’s good for me apart from anything else. I grew up with terrible boundaries and have needed to learn as an adult how to do that.

Anyway, she is also getting married at the end of next year (to a guy she claims has cheated on her - she told me her suspicions but told me not to tell anyone else). And the last message she sent went like this: ‘I hope you can hold the date for my wedding’.

Now why do you think she sent me a message about her wedding off the back of me putting a boundary in place for Christmas? I’m guessing she is going to try to create some drama around that now…

[Starboard Song]

I said that I wanted to have a quiet Christmas with my husband & kids and said I hope she has a nice Christmas. She responded by telling me she has not many friends because in her words 'maybe I'm too weird or too horrible for folks' (wants to take me on guilt trip I guess) and 'that's why family is important' (guilt again) and ' if I've done something wrong then tell me so I can correct it'. She keeps also messaging me asking me if I'm ok and then when I say I'm fine she tells me she knows I'm not ok and is concerned.

My sister does not respond at all well to being told anything re boundaries or her behaviour -  she is a master gaslighter and triangular so I don't bother any more with trying to talk to her about her behaviour. I do try to communicate boundaries though as I think it's good for me apart from anything else. I grew up with terrible boundaries and have needed to learn as an adult how to do that.

Such a challenge. And in this case, her bad behavior is causing so much loss to others.

We struggled with our boundaries because a BPD person, which we suspect my MIL is, reacts even worse than a healthy person to being told "nah, I don't want to visit with you at any time in the month of December." Our boundary attempts resulted in astounding levels of anger, and we hadn't read or learned anything about PDs. So we had no clue how to deescalate a stressful situation, and we ended up NC.

If you feel like there is value in maintaining the relationship -- for your kids or for yourself -- you could try to lay out some safe-space way of meeting. Clearly, no bottles of wine ought to be opened. Maybe it shouldn't be at your house. Probably shouldn't be in the evening. Certainly not on Christmas eve or day. But maybe you can find a safe visit option that will take the pressure off without abusing your own good standards.

And if not, then you just politely and cheerily say -- as you have done -- that it isn't going to work out this December.

Good luck to you!

[moglow]

    All of that!

I said that I wanted to have a quiet Christmas with my husband & kids and said I hope she has a nice Christmas. She responded by telling me she has not many friends because in her words 'maybe I'm too weird or too horrible for folks' (wants to take me on guilt trip I guess) and 'that's why family is important' (guilt again) and ' if I've done something wrong then tell me so I can correct it'. She keeps also messaging me asking me if I'm ok and then when I say I'm fine she tells me she knows I'm not ok and is concerned.

Why is she pushing? Because she can and because you pushed back instead of rolling over. You changed the script she's used to. That's not a bad thing [for you] but she doesn't understand. All the explanations and circular conversations in the world won't resolve that for her - you have to live your own boundaries. I can just about guarantee every explanation you offer would just prompt another question, another "but what if." You still want that quiet Christmas with your husband and kids.

And pardon me for picking a nit here - but seriously "THAT's why family is important"? Because in her mind family has to just swallow whatever she dishes and keep on asking for more? You can love someone unconditionally and still disagree with their behavior and make other choices, same as anyone who isn't family. My guess is others are pushing back with her too and she's kind of at loose ends. Maybe if she'd adjust that behavior ...

[nanotech]

I agree with everything everyone has said.
Just to add that when they play the 'concern' card, it's in order to win back control.
It's kinda like an insult dressed up as an act of love.
It's undermining/ patronising.
Sometimes they tell other people they are 'concerned' about you.
You don't have to answer a million texts asking if you're ok.  In my view you've  answered once, and that's your answer for the foreseeable future.
I'm so pleased you've opted for a PD free Christmas. Enjoy!

PS PDs are often transactional - They frequently assume we think like they think. She's vaguely offering you a wedding invitation as as way of guilting/ bribing  you into inviting her for Christmas. Well done not responding to it.
Non response to stuff can be difficult and it feels weak. But it's often the strongest boundary we have.
PPS Your parents remind me of how my parents were with my older Narc sister.

[Hilly]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I agree nanotech that the feigning concern thing is a control thing like 'get back to behaving how you used to, and if you don't there must be something wrong with you'.

So I let my parents also know that I'm going to be spending Christmas just me and my husband and kids, I made the email very calm and kind and civil and wished them a very happy Christmas. I've now had a reply from my mum saying 'I don't know whether you're ill, depressed or angry or there is some other reason for your attitude' and saying they feel like they are 'walking on eggshells with me' and have been worried about me for months. Which is weird because they never actually make any effort to see me or my kids.

I haven't even spoken to them for a few weeks, because the last time I did my dad talked at me about all the reasons they couldn't visit us to see our kids earlier in the year, and didn't once ask how I was. I literally listened to him talk at me for 40 minutes. He was so angry that I'd even suggested them visiting us to se me their grandkids . My mum said in her email that I had tried to 'shut him down' when he was explaining all the reasons they couldn't visit us, which is completely untrue.

It's weird how when you see the dysfunction in one person you start to see the pattern in your family as a whole. There is so much projection going on. When I state my needs, even just to be left alone for Christmas to hang out with my husband and kids, the reaction is so much anger and projection to the point where they are now suggesting I have mental health problems.

I don't even know whether to respond to this email. I don't know how to do that without getting caught up in more triangulation with my sister and dysfunctional nonsense about them telling me there is something wrong with me.

Front the point of view of boundaries I guess I've said what mine are - Christmas with my husband and kids - so there's nothing else to say...

[moglow]

There's nothing to respond to. She sees your choice for a quiet Christmas at home as "attitude"? Dear Lord. You're not a teenager showing out, you're an adult just letting them know your plans. They don't have to agree or even like it.

Happy Christmas!

[nanotech]

It's ok for them/ her  to ignore you all year and then come visit at the socially expected time?  It's designed to satisfy their own feelings about not visiting all year and to look good to others.  It's also a great time for PDs to visit as they can be abusive without risking being called out on it. It's Christmas and it's 'goodwill towards all'. They will do the sneaky, nasty stuff while their targets feel obliged, due to the holiday, to remain passive and non- reactive.
Their behaviour is what it is.  It won't change. It's not for you to sacrifice your Christmas in order for her/ THEM to feel better about themselves and how they look to people outside the family, and  most importantly to access a context that lends itself to opportunities to covertly abuse you and your family.
It's all on their terms. Or at least it has been.
You're making a stand against their control and you've done a super job being calm and kind about it.
Have you heard about the BIFF method?
Brief
Informative
Firm
Friendly
Your email had all of these ingredients!
It leaves them with nothing to  grab hold of or to criticise! So then they have to resort to suggesting  that you are mentally not quite right or you must be depressed!

My fam are like this at Christmas. I've spent the last few weeks batting off barely disguised requests from UNPDdad to be invited for Christmas Day. Last time we did that he dominated the whole day. He literally never stopped talking. Most of it is opinionated and negative, and it's in the form of speeches. It's really tiring.  He also has a 'seen and not heard' view of children ( my grandchildren) which he doesn't mind sharing, sometimes rudely.  Hubby was so tired too with all of the driving to pick him up and drop him back. Dad lives 30miles away. He has three adult children living in the same town with him. Yet it's us he wants to be with on Christmas Day.
Hubs does the cooking too ( ex chef) which I'm sure is one of the reasons dad likes to come to us! I'm not sure he'd come for MY cooking! That Christmas we didn't get to see and speak to other family members as much as we would have liked. It was a day spent in falseness and servitude. We had him for hours and hours and when the time came to leave he became quiet and showed some annoyance. When he got home he rang me to say that he enjoyed it but he could have talked for much longer!  Hubby was literally run off his feet. I've a spine condition that means I can't do a lot of standing these days, so hubby does a lot. We are both in our 60s and both of us have health conditions, which my dad likes to ignore. My dad is 90 and in very good health for his age.
My dad can't stay over at ours- a solution which with a non PD relative, would have worked fine. We are not anti -social, just anti -being abused! My Diva dad expects staying over to be exactly like his house, and would complain loudly the next day  that he was too hot, or too cold, was given too much to eat so he couldn't sleep, was disturbed by other family members moving about or coughing! 
So we stopped offering that.
Hmm reminds me when  I withdrew with love like this, from my PD siblings. They thought I must be mentally ill as well!  They will pass this view on to you of course, in order to try to manifest a reaction.
I had a similar message from my unpdbrother and when I didn't respond he actually contacted my adult daughter, expressing 'concern and worry' about my mental health.  He got nowhere with that and his efforts to rile me and secure a  response fizzled out.
So I'd be very inclined not to answer. My brother contacting my daughter  did bother me for a while. I wanted to  say 'how dare you' etc. but I acknowledged those feelings and each day my sense of annoyance lessened until I began not worrying or caring about what he thought of was saying about me. Not my stuff.
Have a fantastic Christmas!