Just had words with ex in front of son

[Blackbird11]

My son (5)  has been in and out of the hospital the past week with the flu. I don't want to get into too many details but he has a (manageable) genetic condition that just makes him need some extra care when he catches stuff like this. Good news is he's on the mend now, but not out of the woods yet.

My ex uPDh lives closer to the hospital and is also sick, so I stayed over exuPDh's house in case I had to bring my son back to the ER.

I'm working from ex's house today too. Same reason - here to help if needed and able to go to hospital if needed.

Needless to say it has been a stressful, sleep-deprived two weeks. My ex has been jabbing me left and right the entire time. I've been trying to GR, but he also started to get nasty with my son today/yesterday. At one point when he got nasty with me (after I said I had to head home to let the dog out again) I said that's it - I'm bringing the kid home.

I started to pack up my stuff. The ex jumped right on this opportunity to raise his voice at me. I raised mine back - respectfully. I said "you're being nasty, and it's not ok." And then we exchanged more words. Of course ex tried to say I'm nasty, I haven't done anything all day/week (untrue) and etc.

My son felt and looked very uncomfortable and said he didn't want to leave his dad. He ran immediately to sit with his dad.

My ex MIL also lives here. I spoke to her on the side. She completely understands how he is bc he treats her the way he treated me.

She agreed that she would help watch my son upstairs and I could work downstairs.

I went downstairs to stop the situation and texted uPDh summary of argument from my side (fact based as possible), as well as a request for him to please communicate via text only as we want to remain calm and help our son feel better. Not make him upset. No response yet but I'm sure I'll get something back detailing how I'm a hysterical, mentally unbalanced person and need help.

I don't know how much no contact I can do with a son who at times has some heavy medical needs, but today solidified that it needs to be done - at least to extent possible.

I feel like a POS for even reacting to it not only bc it hurt my son but because my ex will obvs say that I exploded/had a breakdown/abused him. Even my ex MIL tried to imply I overreacted and I said - he has been provoking me for 2 weeks. This was a completely logical and relatively calm response to someone who has been abusing me.

I feel terrible having to cut off contact to a stronger degree - I really, REALLY tried hard for 3 years to have a friendly relationship with him. But it's hopeless.

[Starboard Song]

We can't expect ourselves to perfect, only quite good. And it sounds like you were quite good.

You are correct, minimizing contact is clearly the goal, and your very real constraint is the reality you have to live with.

Thanks for sharing. Be good. Be strong.

[Penny Lane]

I agree with what Starboard said.

And I would add - yes, it's not good for your son to see his parents arguing. HOWEVER, it's also not good for your son to see his dad treating his mom badly. Your ex is creating a bad situation for your son.

Your response, sticking up for yourself - I actually think there is value in letting your son see you respond assertively. I mean, yes, ideally it wouldn't happen at all, and you should minimize it. But really, your ex is going to force a confrontation thinking that you will roll over because you don't want to argue in front of the kids.

So, I think you did the not-worst thing in an impossible situation. On top of that you had the stress of the hospital and sickness - which is a HUGE weight.

I think as time goes on you will get better at calmly shutting him down. But for now, you stuck up for your son and for yourself. You are smart to limit future contact.

I'm sorry, it's so hard, but it seems to me that you overall handled it as well as could reasonably be expected. Take care of yourself!