When is a card just a card?

[T-dog]

The last time I spoke to my uNPD mother was on the 1st September when she ended the conversation by swearing and hanging up on me. Today I received a Christmas card from her and I don't know what to think.

On the surface it's a normal, acceptable card, she wishes me a good time and sends her love. There is no acknowledgment of, well, anything really and maybe that's fine. I feared one of her 'poison pen' letters and was anxious before opening it so I'm glad it's nothing like that. But I can't help feeling that, after more than 3 months, if she wanted a relationship with me she might have called or sent a text sooner than this?

I'm ok with maintaining the most superficial of relationships but I guess I need a bit more to go on before I initiate a phone call or any additional contact. And then I end up feeling like I'm being really harsh and that it would be easier to try to resolve things with her and end up going around in circles. I get the impression my mum just can't be bothered any more, there's an almost zero chance of her putting any effort into building bridges so I don't think I want to get sucked into her drama again for no reason. Once again I am trying to work out if there is any way to create and maintain healthy boundaries or if I will get shouted at/dismissed/invalidated again just for saying what I think or feel-which, no matter how strong I feel at the time, always hurts and I think always will. Does this stuff ever get any easier? 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm ok with maintaining the most superficial of relationships but I guess I need a bit more to go on before I initiate a phone call or any additional contact. And then I end up feeling like I'm being really harsh and that it would be easier to try to resolve things with her and end up going around in circles.

This jumps out at me, and looks like Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Why do you think it might be easier to resolve things? Do you actually want to resolve things? Why? (I mean, obviously in an ideal world we would like to resolve things and live happily ever after, but you need to consider what that might entail and whether you are prepared to pay whatever the price for it might be).

I maintain a superficial relationship with my uNPD mother these days. (We have not had a big fight; I just finally started waking up to her abusive behaviours.) Part of that, for me, is never saying what I think or feel. Doing so has never gone well for me, and it hurts, and would still hurt, so part of grey rock is simply not communicating anything personally important to me. I don't want to have a bust-up and go no contact with her. It could happen but she would have to do all of the provoking and since she gets no input from me it would have to be a pretty concerted effort on her part. In terms of boundaries I simply don't get sucked into her drama. I will hear about it for sure but won't do anything or pass comment that could make me involved in some way.

Since starting therapy I have found that things have got a little easier. I am able to manage my own emotions more and retain much more detachment when dealing with my mother. Whether I could be bothered mending any fences were we to cease contact for any reason I am not sure. I think I would have to see something that seemed like a genuine effort on her part before doing so.

[T-dog]

Hey NarcKiddo,

Yes I think you're probably right about the FOG. I have been considering sending her a card and I can still do that, in fact her sending me one opens this up more and makes it easier to do that. It would certainly tick the box for continuing the superficial relationship.

Annoyingly I was getting the hang of grey rocking, we would talk about the weather and very little else. More recently it became difficult to stop my mother from venting at me and I did feel a bit sorry for her so I allowed it to continue much longer than I was comfortable with. That's definitely something I could work on again. 

[moglow]

Just a personal feeling - I dont use a Christmas (or any holiday) card to go into any problems, issues, gripes etc. I let a greeting be a greeting and let it go at that. It takes practice to not read more into it, particularly when there's been omnibus silence in that same time period.

You're right - you'd think she'd reach out otherwise but let's be honest here. She doesn't want to hear what you might have to say, knows better than to give you an opening. My guess is she's letting the spirits of the season or time erase what took place between you. Magical thinking, ya know?

Last year i sent mommie dearest a fairly neutral card. Within just a few days I received an even more generic one from her. If we talked Christmas day it was very brief, she never asks what I do for the holidays anymore.

If you want to sent a card, do that. If not, don't. Just don't overthink it either way. We do enough of that the rest of the year, don't you think?

[Srcyu]

I suppose she sees Christmas as being an easy way to re-establish contact. She put the phone down on you after showing massive disrespect. The card saves her from having to apologise. She is using it to minimise her recent bad behaviour towards you.
Whether or not to send one back probably depends on what you were planning to do before her card arrived.
If you send one back purely because she sent you one, that puts her back in control.

If she's one of those people who sends cards to absolutely everyone she knows then this card probably means very little.

[nanotech]

I'm sorry you've been treated like this.

It's a tricky one. My unBPD mum used to do this. Phone slamming after shouts/insults was normalised in our family. However my mum would ring back after several days as if nothing untoward had happened. My role was to also pretend along, which I did.

Im Out of the FOG now. I'm VVLC or NC with lots of them. My mum has passed away. Dad is unNPD and two sibs are.
I tend to send cards instead of having a relationship. That's how I view the cards. My UNPD father is obsessed with them. A sent card is enough though. A sent card can replace a visit, and it keeps him at arm's length for a long time. It has occurred to me that I should stop. But it sort of works as a tool for me.
But every family isn't the same. 
It works for me to send them. It's often the only 'contact' I have with dad over months, and over years with the siblings.

[bloomie]

T-dog - what a great question. For most of us a holiday greeting is... well, a holiday greeting. Simple. Kind. Uplifiting. A way to connect. Or sometimes we choose not to send greeting cards because they are expensive, or we just had a baby, or our lives are cray cray and we just cannot get to it. There is nothing more at play.

For those who have an agenda, always an agenda, greeting cards can be withheld to show displeasure, they can be sent back with huge red ink letters saying return to sender, or a way to sprinkle sugar and fairy gum drops on the big pile of poo going unacknowledged in the middle of the relationship. They can be used to invalidate and gaslight. They can be used to 'prove' how those we have distanced ourselves from have reached out and they 'tried'. Perplexing that reaching out after verbally abusing your adult child is missing.

The time to show contrition for awful behavior is very soon afterwards. You are three months in and your mom sends her 'love' via a greeting card and ignores her previous rudeness and hurtful behavior and you, in your goodness and kindness and yes, maybe some FOG, are worrying about being harsh.

What are you wanting to resolve? How would a phone call change the reality of things? Sometimes, it is a sentinel moment like this when we have been treated disrespectfully yet again, that we adjust the level of access and contact we have with a parent. That is not harsh. That is what actual love looks like. For yourself and others. When someone treats us this way and takes zero responsibility for it, genuine love steps back and refuses to be abused. We stay determinedly in the reality of what actually is. Not what we hope and wish for from our mothers.

I am not advocating NC or saying what you should do here, but I will say this is not about the card. It is about a mother who is tone deaf to the pain she is causing in your life. And I am very sorry you are facing that and am glad you are here.

[SonofThunder]

Hello T-Dog,

First a warm Merry Christmas to you, since this post is Christmas related.  Im sorry you are treated as you are, and fully agree that these relationships are so very difficult. 

My experiences with PD's (FOO and spouse) lead me in a comment direction very similar to MoGlow's feedback. In your situation, if I had PD conflict and then the next interaction was a Christmas card, I would surely assume its a mix of that 'magical thinking' that MoGlow mentioned, and also these other traits below, as they all seem to frolic together on the same foggy playground.

From the top 100 list found here:
https://outofthefog.website/traits/

Denial, Disassociation, Escape-to-Fantasy, Gaslighting, Invalidation, Manipulation, Selective memory, Testing. 

I would consider a benign Christmas card after conflict to be a self-prescribed mental victory for a PD, that allows them to sweep their bad behavior under the carpet in their facade world and mentally blame-shift the bad behavior to me, the victim, for not taking the high-road of an expected Christmas greeting and for letting the past affect my future.  How immature of me 

Since I celebrate this time of year as a recognition of the infant arrival of a human who so boldly taught the truth, i would take any glossed-over Christmas greeting card from a PD and magnetize it to the showy street-corner side of my refrigerator, as a gentle reminder to myself of PD truth awareness that I am so grateful to have received over the last years after emerging from decades of F.O.G. 

SoT

[donutmoonpanda]

I got one of these xmas cards today, T-dog. Last time I spoke to my mom was on Feb 18th, and I still get these cards. They never say anything other than "Love, Mom." There's no effort on her part. She doesn't call, email, text. She's never asked what's up with me, how I am, nothing. She just sends these cards for holidays. I am relieved she hasn't written me some dramatic, lengthy letter because I don't want that either. But it still sucks to have her "pop in" like that, when I should be focused on the non-toxic relationships in my life.

Going NC with mom was a "quiet quitting" kind of thing. I just didn't contact her, and she went away. Almost like she was just waiting for me to cut her off. She never attempts to contact me, just sends greeting cards. My take on these cards, at least in my case, is that it's performative. Can't say she didn't wish me happy birthday if she sent a card, right? She's still doing something as my mother, right? This is just a performance for other people in her life. It's an attempt to look like she cares, when she doesn't. All she cares about is appearances, how it looks to other people. She's telling someone that she sent me a card so that she can posture like the victim, and I'm the bad guy. She's probably telling people that she's doing a lot to reach out to me or rebuild bridges although she hasn't.

My NC is pretty easy until she sends me a card. It twists the knife. It brings up old feelings of guilt and obligation, and I have to step in a remind myself of all the ways she's failed me as a parent & how she has never been sorry about any of that. She lives in denial, treats me like dirt, and never changes. I have to remind myself that the card's not even about me, it's just a performance. It actually has nothing to do with me or my family. It's just a hollow superficial gesture that she could make to anyone.

[moglow]

T-dog, for what it's worth, this year mine sent a brief text Christmas eve. No card. I found myself overplaying it in my mind anyway - you can't even send a card anymore?? A text is plenty for you? Even though I responded, she made it clear quite a while back she supposedly doesn't get my texts [might want to unblock me then. No? Gotcha.] So I did what I do - I called her Christmas morning, she didn't ask what my plans were for the day, or if I'd done anything special Christmas eve, didn't mention my brothers or the rest of the family, as if they don't exist either.

I tried to have some sort of actual conversation, open the door a smidge on my life. Nope, she's not interested. I coughed [Why are you COUGHING?!], She mentioned it's colder than they've ever had there, that at least I'm warmer [wtf? no. I'm less than two hours away, maybe 60miles south of her. Still below freezing, look at a map or the weather!]. No comment or question about the gathering I went to last night, nothing about her grandchildren I was spending time with. She had to tell me about the walker she bought, that she's having trouble getting around. And then she had to go "get things going" and she was done in under four minutes. I tried, just like I have many times before.

I may have initiated my last phone call. I'm not sure it ever gets easier.

[T-dog]

Hi Moglow,

I totally understand the urge to at least try and make meaningful contact, even if the outcome is as disappointing as ever. You tried though, and I respect that even if your mother does not.

Now Christmas is out of the way I thought I would feel relieved but I'm back to feeling discarded and unloved (by my mother). I know I am loved but sometimes it still hurts so much knowing there is nothing I can do to improve this one important relationship and that the only way I can get by is to walk away from it.

On top of that I am concerned that something has happened and if it's worth reaching out simply to check if she's ok. My partner has offered to call my mum just to put my mind at rest, I am grateful for that but reluctant to get him involved and can't help wondering if I am being sucked back in. I just have to keep telling myself I haven't done anything wrong and wouldn't have been able to change anything anyway. I still hate having to deal with all these feelings, meh!

[moglow]

An old friend was fond of saying, a hoover doesn't work if you dont plug it in. Just sit with that one a bit before you call, okay?

I thought mine would appreciate a call and that doesn't appear to be the case. Brother says she was excited to get the call but really? As for "knowing i'm loved" well, can't say that I do. One brother tells me she seems to be detached more from everything. I'm not altogether sure she ever ATtached, know what I mean? She was never really around, never interested or involved. Why should she now.

Walking away isn't always a bad thing. I think it's better than *this* emptiness.

[moglow]

T-Dog, I hope that feeling of unwanted and discarded eases for you. It's hard to see that as our reality with all the happy celebrating families around us, but once the immediacy of the gatherings and "appropriate sentiment" passes I think our hurt and disappointment will ease too.

[Preamble]

I like this.  My experience too.  Thanks

I got one of these xmas cards today, T-dog. Last time I spoke to my mom was on Feb 18th, and I still get these cards. They never say anything other than "Love, Mom." There's no effort on her part. She doesn't call, email, text. She's never asked what's up with me, how I am, nothing. She just sends these cards for holidays. I am relieved she hasn't written me some dramatic, lengthy letter because I don't want that either. But it still sucks to have her "pop in" like that, when I should be focused on the non-toxic relationships in my life.

Going NC with mom was a "quiet quitting" kind of thing. I just didn't contact her, and she went away. Almost like she was just waiting for me to cut her off. She never attempts to contact me, just sends greeting cards. My take on these cards, at least in my case, is that it's performative. Can't say she didn't wish me happy birthday if she sent a card, right? She's still doing something as my mother, right? This is just a performance for other people in her life. It's an attempt to look like she cares, when she doesn't. All she cares about is appearances, how it looks to other people. She's telling someone that she sent me a card so that she can posture like the victim, and I'm the bad guy. She's probably telling people that she's doing a lot to reach out to me or rebuild bridges although she hasn't.

My NC is pretty easy until she sends me a card. It twists the knife. It brings up old feelings of guilt and obligation, and I have to step in a remind myself of all the ways she's failed me as a parent & how she has never been sorry about any of that. She lives in denial, treats me like dirt, and never changes. I have to remind myself that the card's not even about me, it's just a performance. It actually has nothing to do with me or my family. It's just a hollow superficial gesture that she could make to anyone.

[T-dog]

T-Dog, I hope that feeling of unwanted and discarded eases for you. It's hard to see that as our reality with all the happy celebrating families around us, but once the immediacy of the gatherings and "appropriate sentiment" passes I think our hurt and disappointment will ease too.

Thanks! I hope so too. It comes in waves and there times when I feel better for not having to deal with the drama. But of course there are other times I am filled with self-doubt or that I'm doing the wrong thing- however, that's a feeling I'm very used to so I can sit with it until it passes.

My partner and I have discussed making a phone call so this wasn't unexpected, but while I was out yesterday he attempted to call my mother and was diverted to answerphone after a couple of rings. I'm slightly reassured that her phone at least works, according to WhatsApp my mother hasn't been online for some time and that's why I got concerned that something had happened. But perhaps she's just not using that any more. And I'm glad I didn't attempt that call! I feel nauseatingly anxious just thinking about it!

Thank you all for your comments and interactions. I have said it before but it helps so much having other people to talk to about these things 

[SpunHead13]

For those who have an agenda, always an agenda, greeting cards can be withheld to show displeasure, they can be sent back with huge red ink letters saying return to sender, or a way to sprinkle sugar and fairy gum drops on the big pile of poo going unacknowledged in the middle of the relationship. They can be used to invalidate and gaslight. They can be used to 'prove' how those we have distanced ourselves from have reached out and they 'tried'. Perplexing that reaching out after verbally abusing your adult child is missing.

The time to show contrition for awful behavior is very soon afterwards. You are three months in and your mom sends her 'love' via a greeting card and ignores her previous rudeness and hurtful behavior and you, in your goodness and kindness and yes, maybe some FOG, are worrying about being harsh.

What are you wanting to resolve? How would a phone call change the reality of things? Sometimes, it is a sentinel moment like this when we have been treated disrespectfully yet again, that we adjust the level of access and contact we have with a parent. That is not harsh. That is what actual love looks like. For yourself and others. When someone treats us this way and takes zero responsibility for it, genuine love steps back and refuses to be abused. We stay determinedly in the reality of what actually is. Not what we hope and wish for from our mothers.

Though this thread isn't about me, the above is what i needed to read today. Thank you for posting it.