How do I deal with in the moment stressors/that 5 o clock parenting time

[Sojourner17]

I have noticed for a while that I really struggle with stress/overwhelm at certain points of the day.  It usually happens around mealtimes (just before lunch, just before supper) and sometimes around our daily quiet time (aka everyone takes a quiet break from each other, aka moms mid day down time). 
I say all this because I was feeling very much under pressure right before supper today and made a snappy comment at my husband. Not exactly a glorious shining moment.    
My husband has pointed this tendency of mine out to me a couple of times now but I can't seem to get myself to behave/react better in the moment when I'm feeling overwhelmed, upset, frustrated and generally feeling like I'm spinning my wheels/trying to do too much at one time and feeling pulled in a million directions.  (Ie, trying to get supper ready, all three children needing me for three different things, feeling stressed because supper is running super late and then hubby coming in asking me to do one more thing when I'm feeling dishevelled, not ready, and like things are falling apart.)

It's in those moments that I hear my mothers tone and use of words coming out of my mouth.  It leads me to emotions of shock, dismay, and then shame. 

I don't want to be that ugly nasty person with the angry tone of voice lashing out in moments of feeling stress and frustration.  I wish I could tape my mouth shut.  It just comes spilling out and then comes the thoughts of "you are just like your mom" " you are going to drive away your husband and children" "you will never get it right" " you are a failure as a wife and as a mother". 

It's awful,  it's evil, I hope and pray that those thoughts are a lie.  I'm scared they aren't.  I don't want to give in to these thoughts and I need to change/heal. 

Have any of you gone through similar things?  I know with parenting certain times of the day are more stressful than others.  How do I get through those high stress times without the verbal diarrhea? Getting stressed and overwhelmed aren't the right way but I'm not sure how to flip the script.  Fake it til I make it?   Put on a smile and keep my lips tightly shut?  Ugh!

[Jolie40]

you need a break aka help with things!

1)is your husband avail to cook at least 2 times/wk so you can sit down while he's cooking & talk with the kids?
2) can he pick up take out food once/wk or once every 2 wks?

I'm guessing your kids are young now
we used to watch Master chef jr & my kid started cooking (easy stuff) around age 10
now she's older & will cook once or twice/wk & husband crockpot cooks on Sun & we usually have enough leftover for Mon. so I only have to cook 3X/wk

get everyone that can in your family to help out!

[notrightinthehead]

I have been there! I remember very well and my heart aches for my kids and myself then. Trying to juggle 10 things at a time while being hungry and tired myself.  What helped me was I told my kids, and anybody who was around, I am very grumpy/stressed/ angry right now.  Not with you or because of you, but I am seriously grumpy. So please leave me alone right now, let me do what I need to do, and we will do/talk about what you want from me later.  My NPDh was the only one who didn't get it. The kids understood very quickly- mum is grumpy. Let's give her some space to work through her feelings and come back later.  They knew anyway that I was in a foul mood and it comforted them being told that it wasn't their fault. Which was the opposite of what my mother had done with me. With her she vented her frustration on me and I grew up believing all was my fault.

[SeaBreeze]

Went through this when the kids (now all adults) were little and I juggled parenting, work, uNPDh husband, and my own anxiety disorder. Like notrightinthehead shared above, I also learned to tell the kids "It's not you, I'm having a moment." At some point the eldest DS renamed my moments as "Mom-ments" and we started to laugh about it together. I'll say my Mom-ments decreased and eventually stopped as the kids grew older and I came to understand NPD better. Agree with Jolie40 that taking a break, ordering delivery, letting other family members cook can be a big help. And when you feel those Mom-ments coming on, pause and take a literal breather, as in a few long, deep breaths to reset both your mind and nervous system.  *hugs*

[Sojourner17]

Thank you for the responses.  They actually really helped me.  I was feeling really overwhelmed the other day.  I know I'm not a bad person/my mom at my core but in those moments when the ugly comes out it really leads to a lot of shameful core feelings.
My husband usually cooks twice a week and actually helps quite a bit around the house (sometimes too much...ie, i sweep the floor before he gets home and the first thing he does when he gets home is sweep  ) .  I appreciate his help a lot but it does get to be a lot on me.  We have no supportive family.  My husbands family supports him...but they live on another continent and have never met me.  I could go on and on about this stuff but it wont solve the issue.  We have no support...so it falls on us, my husband and I.

Our children are all under 10 and are all boys.  The energy sometimes is just overwhelming to say the least.  Then add to it that we are in the middle of a cold snap and live in a northern mountainous region.  Oh, and we have a small house.     It can get a little crazy at times.  I laugh at it now...but in the moment...oooh boy!  Its like herding cats or trying to catch squirrels running around inside your house. 

I like the idea of telling them that mom is having a "mom-ment" and that I need them to leave me a lone to do what I need to do and I will get back to them in when im done.

[Jolie40]

all boys under 10....no wonder it's chaos!

we had our friends & their young boys over @ Christmas time one year
they were climbing all over our furniture & trying to climb up the tree
so I do feel for you!

only other suggestion is bundle them up & send outside with husband while you make dinner in peace

[Sojourner17]

yep!  three boys.  I love them to bits but my goodness the energy is unreal. 

Thanks for the responses. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

You are not just like your mother you are just a human being!  I also have a houseful of boys and yes the constant energy can be draining to me too. Here are some tips that help me: I schedule family cleanup time right before I need to focus on dinner. So at least things are in tolerable order before the "5 o'clock grizzlies" hit. I set a timer, 15 minutes of good work, then they are banished outside or upstairs. If they are pestering me at that time they know they will get a job so they would much rather play with the baby. Crockpots are your friend. It's so much more restful to assemble a stew in the morning, then smell it all day and feeling a little on top of things. Of course you won't want that every day, but menu planning is also your friend. Long term, great, but at least knowing by 10 am what is for dinner and that you have all the ingredients is a huge leg up. We had no money early on and takeout on the regular was not a realistic option, and my DH didn't get home early enough to be much help with dinner. It also helps a lot to know that if I cook, I get to disappear for a little bit while DH and an older child clean up from dinner. We put them on KP duty when they are 7ish. It's a good chance for DH to teach them some basic skills and some of the more important discussions with dad happen while wiping down counters.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hesitated to post this last thing because it could be interpreted as all sorts of bad ideologies about women. But I feel better when I look better. If I'm showered and wearing not-sweatpants and a little makeup, I can face the stresses of my daily life with a lot more grace. But really, it just means that I can handle it better when I am doing some basic self-care! Imagine that. Am I actually a better person, no, but when I'm treating myself better I tend to act like it. When I get up late and skate from putting out one fire to the next, I'm a lot more likely to be in mommy meltdown by 5:00.

[Sojourner17]

Thanks CmC!  I appreciate what you wrote.  Im a pretty traditional sahm but I must admit that it hasnt come as naturally as I had hoped it would when we first got married.  Ive definitely got into a bit of a slump lately, I gotta up my getting ready for the day game.  Im not a sweatpants/non shower kind of gal but I do find that when i put a bit more effort above and beyond a quick shower and brushing hair i feel better.  Im struggling right now with my glasses (detest them immensely).  I was attempting to do some changes to try to improve eyesight with limited to no results and switched away from wearing contacts in order to try the techniques out.  I still want to try but id have to say that my glasses are leading to some serious issues in regards to feeling beautiful/put together.  Its amazing how even something like eyesight/glasses can lead to difficulties/poor feelings/feeling not put together.
  I do meal plan but find that sometimes I dont leave enough time to get things done/think that things are going to run smoother than they inevitably do which at times leads to scrambling ( like it did the other night when I realized that supper was going to be super late and we had last minute meal changes).

We have had an ongoing bout of recurring sickness going through the home which has led to less sleep than usual which in our home is already an issue.  So its been a bit of compounding of issues, then put dealing with unpdm as the cherry on top and its made for a bit of a disaster both internally and externally.
I just have to keep on reminding myself that I am NOT my mistakes and that each day is in some ways a blank slate where I can pick up and try again.  Im so grateful that my husband and kids are who they are and that I can change and grow as a wife and mother.

[Andeza]

Glad I read this thread. A lot of it pertains to how I feel with my kids as well sometimes, and the nasty little voices in my head that accuse me of the same things my mother did/said. We're also dealing with round three of sickness in the last two months... fifth bout for the year. It's a rough flu/cold season and I think that giving ourselves a little extra grace is merited. I've cut back on trying to do stuff with the kids and keep it to a minimum. Will be ordering grocery delivery instead of going to the store, for example.

I'm trying to work on taking a deep breath before I respond to the kids if they're being naughty. I think it's helping.

[1footouttadefog]

Be kind to yourself ots hard to play a mom role.

One way I handled this dreaded time of day was to anticipate it and see ot as a challenge to start warring with in the morning and forward.  Gosh, I can remember some nights being like horrible and lasting until I dropped into bed. 

I noticed the kids did not need much from me at breakfast time so I did meal prep for supper and lunch then.  I diced or sliced things got stuff out to defrost, peeled potatoes and stiffed them in fridge in a pot of water, cooked and drained pasts and stashed it, made a bowl of salad or if an entre salad plated them up in bowels and stacked them with plates between, things like that.  Then I noticed that the kids needed a nap or down time around three so I had one too if possible or spent the time doing banking bill paying or making calls and setting appointments or took a bath.  I then had a power hour from 330 to 430 where I and the kids got as much done as possible.    Kids can set a table, clean a litter box, sweep, wipe window sills, wipe base boards, clean mirrors, fold laundry, and many other simple jobs.  If they had helped they got their TV or screen time next while I napped or regrouped before my H came home.  If I had a more complicated meal that I did not want to feel rushed on, I would make him a sandwich or snack and a drink so he could get his blood sugar back up (mine biked 9 miles home from work)  before he took his shower and dealt with the kids. 

Also there were quick tasks that my H did in the first few mins he was home because he was a bit OCD about them.  I would add a small something for him to do in that spot to tale care of his momentum.

Hard to believe he was a motivated hard worker at one time and that we worked together.  My how things can change. 

I hope you can find ways to break the war into winnable battles and reduce your stress.