A friend is trying to make me responsible for her problems

[WJC]

I have 2 friends who are sisters. I have known them since I was about 5. It is a very limited friendship (and honestly at times I feel like it is more an obligation) because they never really grew up. Their mom is severely over-protective and she never wanted them to have lives of their own. They still live at home, even though they are well into their adult years

The one sister is actually quite empathetic despite her limitations, but the other one is the classic narcissist bully who never grew out of her toddler years. The bully (let's call her B for bully) used to ask me for help uploading photos for her internet dating profile. I did it multiple times, and I even wrote out instructions for her. Then in 2017, she called me and asked if I could help her upload some files for a job application. Keep in mind that this is a good 12+ years after I first showed her how to upload her dating photos. Being raised to be a people pleaser. and being raised to be responsible for everyone else's needs and wants and problems and feelings, I could not say no. I managed to keep the project at arm's length by suggesting she go to an office supply store to get the documents scanned, and then I was going to talk her through the steps over the phone.

Long story short, her lack of computer knowledge made it impossible to help her over the phone. It was like trying to tutor someone in algebra when there is no comprehension of basic arithmetic.

Here is something I learned, and I know a lot of you reading this can relate: I felt an obligation to continue in my efforts to help (despite the obvious waste of time), because my husband and I had decided at the last minute to do a quick overnight getaway. It was impossible to drive to her house to help her in person, and because of that I had this voice in my head telling me that I had changed the rules of the game and therefore I had an obligation to help no matter the cost. Isn't that something? I had never agreed to go to her house, but I felt guilty because if I had still been in town I could have easily uploaded the files if I had been at her computer.  I was actually glad I was out of town because I had an excuse for not going over to her house, but the downside was the self-imposed guilt.

In hindsight, and after continuing to work on myself, if this situation came up now I would either set a time limit (I can only help for 30 minutes) or I would just tell her no. She was not qualified for the job because she was not the type of candidate the company wanted. All that happened was that she did not meet the deadline for the application, and my getaway with my husband was marred with frustration and anger (at her and myself). I have always wondered if she blames me for not getting the job. She probably does.

About a month ago she asked me to sell some stuff on ebay for her for a small commission. I told her I was too far behind on my own listings, and I also told her that what she had to sell should be sold locally because of the high shipping costs for her large items. (Her sister sold on ebay a few years ago but for some reason has never shown any interest in helping B with any of these computer tasks.)

Last weekend B called me in a panic because nobody in the family can pay bills, and she saw online that some stuff she has is listed on ebay for lots of money and I need to help and I might have to postpone my trip because she is desperate. (The last two years have been the absolute worst two years of my life, and I am treating myself to a 2-week getaway starting January 1 as a way of starting the new year on a high note.) My dad treats me the exact same way. He had back surgery last year and the doctor did not order home care for him (which would have been covered by insurance) so he called me on a Sunday night and needed me to get on a plane right away and take care of him. He made no plans for home care, and he did not want to pay for it (despite having plenty of money), so he tried to make me responsible. (I said no.)

So now here is B, telling me I might have to postpone my trip to save her bacon. Oh, I forgot to mention that she started off the call with a laundry list of all the things she has done for me over the years (like throw me a wedding shower which cost a lot of money). I started reminding her of the various times I helped her with computer stuff, and then she interrupted and said our friendship was mutual and let's not talk about it. The reason my mind went to all the computer drama was because this situation felt like all the other times where she expects me to do her work for her, instead of attempting anything on her own. That job application that was so important? She waited until 7 pm on the day it was due. Did she start ahead of time, and try to figure out how to upload files? Of course not.

I told her again that her stuff was not worth a lot on ebay. Even if she could sell some of it, her financial needs are far greater than anything she can earn by selling. So then she had me talk to her mom so her mom could ask me questions. I knew her mom was manipulative, but this conversation was a nightmare. There were the little jabs, and the subtle put-downs with the pretend flattery, and at the end of the conversation I was told that they are not allowing visitors right now (the other sister had surgery a few weeks ago). How am I supposed to come over and sell your stuff for you, lady? In hindsight I think talking to her was even more toxic than my conversation with B. I should have made an excuse and gotten off the phone when B wanted me to talk to her mother. I tend not to be quick on my feet in toxic situations and it is only after the fact that I can see some ways I could have avoided further pain.

So that was last Saturday. I called both of the sisters on Monday and neither one has called me back. I don't know if I am getting the silent treatment because I pushed back against B, or if it is because I am not rushing over to their house to solve all their financial problems. Evidently they are several months behind on bills and no money is coming in. And they are just starting to panic now?

My birthday is right after Christmas and if I do not hear from them then I am just going to accept it and move on. It does hurt, and you would think that a friendship of many years would be worth more. But it never has been a truly mutual friendship and I told my husband I am really not losing anything. Isn't that sad? The are both so limited in their ability to provide advice and support and true friendship, and B is a petulant little child who wants what she wants when she wants it. Part of me feels like I just don't want to deal with them anymore just based on the fact that I am getting the silent treatment. I have put up with a lot of crap from them over the years, and I have had plenty of reasons to give them the silent treatment!

Thanks to everyone who read my story, and I hope some of what I said helped you in some way! There are so many posts I read on this site that resonate with me and a lot of times I see my own circumstances in a new light.

[Starboard Song]

My birthday is right after Christmas and if I do not hear from them then I am just going to accept it and move on. It does hurt, and you would think that a friendship of many years would be worth more. But it never has been a truly mutual friendship and I told my husband I am really not losing anything. Isn't that sad?

The Book of Joy is one of the ones in my signature: great book. I don't recall now if it was the Dalai Lama or Desmond Tutu who gave this answer. Asked how they respond to evildoers, mean people, and hostility, one said that -- I just think how sad it is to be a human and waste the great opportunity we all have.

Yes. It is really sad. But I am proud of you for being ready to accept that sad reality and move on.

[WJC]

Thanks Starboard Song for your encouragement. I am an avid reader so I will check out the Book of Joy!

The last couple of years have forced me to examine what I really mean to many friends and family. I was taught to accept crumbs and I am finally telling myself that I deserve more.

Thank you for reading my long story!

[Srcyu]

There is a saying that goes along the lines of, 'familiarity breeds contempt.'
It could apply to your situation. B and her family have known you for so long that they now take you for granted.
B doesn't sound like a friend, she sounds like the user and bully that you have already identified her to be.
Why would anyone want to keep a 'friend' like that?
Your people-pleasing sounds off the scale with this woman and here's the question, 'Is She Worth It?'
Her expectations of you know no bounds.  It could be time to start revealing a different side of yourself to B.
It would be a great favour to you if this remnant from your past 'forgot' your birthday and stayed out of your life.

[WJC]

Thanks Windmill for your response.

I might not have been clear in my post, and I think there is some misunderstanding about the timing of some of these events. Keep in mind that the people pleasing me was the 2017 me. I have managed to avoid helping her with any computer stuff since that job application debacle. So she has already seen a new side of me (to use your phrase), but I suspect that she is feeling desperate and thinks she can push my guilt buttons again.

I had no intention of helping her this time and I made that clear to her. I am happy to help by phone if she wants to call me and get my opinion on how to price something, for example, but that is not what she was asking for. The pattern with her is that she does not try things on her own and ask for help or advice as she goes along. She just wants to dump all the responsibility on someone else.

When I made the comment about not being able to sell stuff if they aren't allowing house guests, I was not saying I had planned to go over and help. I just found it noteworthy that here was all this drama about me helping, and all of a sudden I am told I am not welcome. I interpreted it as a snub for not eagerly jumping at the chance to help them. I was trying to keep my post from getting even longer and so I did not elaborate on every anecdote.

I think your point about familiarity breeding contempt is an interesting one. It was so easy for her to expect me to drop everything and help her. My life is really crappy right now and she knows that, but it was just assumed that I would help her (even to the point of postponing my trip). It is something I have been thinking about a lot lately... people who create crises and then want others to take on the problem.

I have to tell myself that this is actually a blessing in disguise. I am really on overload now, and even if I do not agree to help her, the toxic feelings that arise from dealing with her is just not what I need right now. The only option is for them to sell the house and move to a cheaper house, and I suppose I should just think about all the drama I will be avoiding as they go through that process!