uBPD mother going silent before Christmas - worried about my son

[Watermellow]

Hi,

I am new to Out of the FOG, I said "Hi" on the Welcome Mat today but I also wanted to say thank you here - this forum already helped me a lot 

I am having a hard time lately due to some recent events. I thought I would post here as unfortunately my husband and friends - as supportive as they are - are unable to understand the problem with PD.

So few words of introduction: we are living about 20 minutes from my uNPD mother with my DH and DS who is almost 4. Since my DS was a baby my mother was helping us out quite a lot, she really seemed attach to my son and she also seemed to like spending time with him. No comparison to how she treated me and my sister when we were children, I am talking physical and emotional abuse.

Anyways they had good time together and I even thought she changed. The thing is she never respected boundries that I set regarding my son(sweets, presents, general spoiling) but we really needed this help and after many conversations with her I turned blind eye to it for some time. I don't feel good about it but we were very tired young parents. Also I did not consider her as any threat to him.

This day we left DS at her place, went to get the groceries, came back to get him and there it was all at once - he was watching a cartoon that was age inappropriate, having sweets plus she gave him 5(!) sets of LEGO just because she could - no occasion. The last straw was that he had some tummy bloating problems and I said no sodas - of course there it was on the table. I was mad but didn't want my son to see any scenes so I backed off, took my DS and got back home to think things through. I got prepared for conversation and went there the next day. I explained calmly and politely that this is too much and I need her to toe the line when it comes to my DS. She was enraged, there was gaslighting, blaming and some delusions about my DH sending me here to prevent her from seeing my son(no idea where it came from). I was still very calm and just repeatedly stating what I needed to say. Then I left. Then after two days tried to call her but she already started the silent treatment. And it goes for a month now. I started seeing therapist because it cought me off guard. I really was devastated - not only I felt like I lost a mother but first of all I am sad for my son because he is asking when can he visit his beloved granny and I do not want to leave him there without my supervision under these circumstances. But at the same time I feel like I did nothing wrong and I do not want to crawl back there and apologize for nothing - as always.

Christmas is coming and my enFather and Sis are calling asking me to invite her. She needed no invitation - we discussed Christmas already few months ago - everybody knew it was at our place. But now I am almost sure she is not coming - my heart breaks for my son who is waiting for her to be here. Me, I am also in a dark place because I seemed to have it somehow handled and it has blown in my face plus I can see she did not change at all. It's just so much more complicated when grandchildren are involved.

My head is spinning   - one day I want to bend over backwards to make things work between us - the other I would just go NC because her behaviour really takes its toll on my mental health(I have just came out of depression). For now I am doing nothing about it, taking care of myself and my family - having a break. I also started therapy last week. Sorry if my post is bit chaotic. I guess I just needed to write it down and if any of you would like to share your thoughts I would greatly appreciate it.

Take care all.

[lkdrymom]

Do not apologize.  Of course it also means that you cannot have her watch your son alone anymore if she can't follow simple rules.  Text her to remind her you want everyone at your home at a certain time.  This way she knows she is still invited and if she doesn't show that is not on you.  Your son's day will not be ruined if she chooses to not show up.  I assume your father and sister will still be there so he will have them to distract him.  She wants you to chase her and beg her to come back. That might fix your immediate issue but that will set you up for some long-term grief. If you give into her now you will be unhappy.  If you don't she will be unhappy.  You can't be responsible for the happiness of others.  What makes her happiness more important than yours?

[monamurre]

Good grief! I am fed up on your behalf, who needs this sort of aggravation?

I agree with lkdrymom, don't try to fix everything. If she is willing to ghost on her grandson, that is on her. Yes, it sucks but he will bounce back.

If this is her reaction to you trying to set some small boundaries, then I think you are in for a boat load of bad behavior in the future. I would draw some strong boundaries now about what you are willing to put up with. This usually results in some tense interactions at first but better that then months, or possibly years of boundaries being trampled.

[Cat of the Canals]

Christmas is coming and my enFather and Sis are calling asking me to invite her. She needed no invitation - we discussed Christmas already few months ago - everybody knew it was at our place.

If she's anything like my mother, she's playing the "woe is me" card to your father and sister so they'll strap on their Flying Monkey wings and come flapping over to you, begging you to apologize/issue a formal invite to "smooth things over." And if you're anything like me, you've been doing this your entire life and are getting pretty damn sick of it. Why should YOU have to apologize for HER bad behavior????

Personally, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be. Worry about you and your family of choice. Take care of yourself. Ignore the squawking from the PD and the Flying Monkeys.

[Watermellow]

Hi,

thanks for all your thoughts 

@lkdrymom - the idea with the text is very good - I am going to invite her just to get flying monkeys off my back because I am sure her pride won't let her come. Now I think that she would ruin it for all of us anyway of us so maybe it's for the better.

@monamurre - thank you for validation I am thinking about the future and whereas I know I am still in the FOG, I do not want my son to be involved in any way - this is a very strong motivation to work on myself.

@Cat of the Canals - yes, she is playing the "woe" now. Although funny thing - apparently she herself thinks this would be too ridiculous to whine about me preventing her form giving sodas to my child - she is now playing the cat card. Her cat is sick and she is calling others and literally crying how devastated she is right now. Another funny thing - she doesn't show any regret or remorse for cutting off her daughter and grandson but the cat is this important. I am not even trying to get it, just PD things  .

[Preamble]

Watermellow can I just say I am sorry that this has happened and that you will probably need to grieve over not having the support that you genuinely need as a young parent.  If I had seen how little support I had I would have attempted so much less in life.

Hi,

I am new to Out of the FOG, I said "Hi" on the Welcome Mat today but I also wanted to say thank you here - this forum already helped me a lot 

I am having a hard time lately due to some recent events. I thought I would post here as unfortunately my husband and friends - as supportive as they are - are unable to understand the problem with PD.

So few words of introduction: we are living about 20 minutes from my uNPD mother with my DH and DS who is almost 4. Since my DS was a baby my mother was helping us out quite a lot, she really seemed attach to my son and she also seemed to like spending time with him. No comparison to how she treated me and my sister when we were children, I am talking physical and emotional abuse.

Anyways they had good time together and I even thought she changed. The thing is she never respected boundries that I set regarding my son(sweets, presents, general spoiling) but we really needed this help and after many conversations with her I turned blind eye to it for some time. I don't feel good about it but we were very tired young parents. Also I did not consider her as any threat to him.

This day we left DS at her place, went to get the groceries, came back to get him and there it was all at once - he was watching a cartoon that was age inappropriate, having sweets plus she gave him 5(!) sets of LEGO just because she could - no occasion. The last straw was that he had some tummy bloating problems and I said no sodas - of course there it was on the table. I was mad but didn't want my son to see any scenes so I backed off, took my DS and got back home to think things through. I got prepared for conversation and went there the next day. I explained calmly and politely that this is too much and I need her to toe the line when it comes to my DS. She was enraged, there was gaslighting, blaming and some delusions about my DH sending me here to prevent her from seeing my son(no idea where it came from). I was still very calm and just repeatedly stating what I needed to say. Then I left. Then after two days tried to call her but she already started the silent treatment. And it goes for a month now. I started seeing therapist because it cought me off guard. I really was devastated - not only I felt like I lost a mother but first of all I am sad for my son because he is asking when can he visit his beloved granny and I do not want to leave him there without my supervision under these circumstances. But at the same time I feel like I did nothing wrong and I do not want to crawl back there and apologize for nothing - as always.

Christmas is coming and my enFather and Sis are calling asking me to invite her. She needed no invitation - we discussed Christmas already few months ago - everybody knew it was at our place. But now I am almost sure she is not coming - my heart breaks for my son who is waiting for her to be here. Me, I am also in a dark place because I seemed to have it somehow handled and it has blown in my face plus I can see she did not change at all. It's just so much more complicated when grandchildren are involved.

My head is spinning   - one day I want to bend over backwards to make things work between us - the other I would just go NC because her behaviour really takes its toll on my mental health(I have just came out of depression). For now I am doing nothing about it, taking care of myself and my family - having a break. I also started therapy last week. Sorry if my post is bit chaotic. I guess I just needed to write it down and if any of you would like to share your thoughts I would greatly appreciate it.

Take care all.

[goldtracedcloud]

I feel like I am reading about my mother when I read this, such similar antics.  She has maligned herself with every single one of my siblings spouses at one point or another, and this past year started attacking my husband because I started setting new boundaries.  I can't even leave my pets with her anymore.  You definitely deserve the break and care you are giving yourself right now. 

[Watermellow]

I feel like I am reading about my mother when I read this, such similar antics.  She has maligned herself with every single one of my siblings spouses at one point or another, and this past year started attacking my husband because I started setting new boundaries.  I can't even leave my pets with her anymore.  You definitely deserve the break and care you are giving yourself right now.

Thank you.
I think NPDs might think that people from outside their family can see through them easier as they are not trauma bonded. Thus they are trying to manipulate their children's relationships and in many cases it ends up in estrangement. Being in between your loved one and your parent is of course an extra stress for us, as if we weren't troubled enough 

[goldtracedcloud]

So true, and as you said in your post re your mom's "delusions" - it is like they will make things up because they have to have someone or something else to blame besides themselves no matter what.  I could have counted on my mom coming after my husband to avoid accountability, and yet it still took me by surprise when it happened because it is just not a rationality I can understand