How to maintain boundaries during the holidays?

[Markclo1]

i always find the holidays  a particularly difficult time to maintain boundaries.  Any advice is appreciated on how you cope with this season? Ive been completely no contact with my father for about 2 years and my sister for 6 months now. since around 2015, our relationships have detoriared and since around 2018 all communication has basically been a slanging match. This developed because i expressed a strong desire for healthier relationships in my family,  whilst also trying to hold him accountable for some of the things he has said and done over the years, his response was to give me the silient treatment and if there was any communication between us, it was thoroughly unpleasant. I have a family of my own now with children as well. Geographically, i now live far away from the family i grew up in but i have still tried to maintain a relationship with them as much as possible.

A couple of years ago, i decided i could go no longer have further contact with my dad. He himself grew up in a very abusive home and sadly was never able to break that cycle. He has been emotionaally abusive towards me all his life, never physically abusive and has done many things to cause division in our family, including having an affair with a family friend and then divorcing my mother to remarry this woman. At this time of year i start to wonder if he he has changed, if some things could be different. I know that is very unlikely to be the case, but its hard during the holidays not to give in to that temptation. i know its very unlikely that anything has changed but i am more tempted to message him around the holidays, maintaining these boundaries is very difficult at this time of year. He hasnt reached out to me in the last 2 years to reconcile the relationship, and i honestly cant remember the last time i had a good conversation with him.

[moglow]

He hasnt reached out to me in the last 2 years to reconcile the relationship, and i honestly cant remember the last time i had a good conversation with him.

This is familiar to me. My mother might respond if I reach out to her but it's still very superficial. "Good conversation" is all relative - it became more of a "good is when she's not exploding over something," rather than an actual enjoyable conversation between us. For me, holiday boundaries aren't necessarily interchangeable with the norm. I may call but it'll be a superficial brief call at best, just a hi and goodbye, Merry Christmas kind of call. And I guarantee she won't call if I don't.

I guess my question regarding reconciling the relationship is - was there one between you at some point? Mother has several times in the past demanded that I "fix this" or asked what we can do to fix it. Fix WHAT, is my gut response. We have no foundation there other than she gave birth and I survived her home. There isn't a "this" for me to address, plus the simple fact that it's not one-sided. It takes two.


Does any of that ramble strike a chord with you?

[Markclo1]

yeah i guess i do think we had a relationship at some point, looking back it was probably one sided. The one thing i did that upset my father more than anything else was call him out in his affair and then his subsequent relationship with the same woman and his behaviour towards my mother. I am the only person to have done that in my family and he has punished me for it ever since, maybe to try and make an example of me to other family members...like this is whats going to happen to you if you dare stand up to me.

Since that point its been impoossible to find any civility and he is very aggressive and rude every time we are in contact. I guess the relationship we once had is a thing of the past now. I still struggle with that though, and espeically during the holidays begin to think it could be different

[Srcyu]

Hope has not yet totally died for you. You haven't reached the complete point of no return. That's why you are still tempted to reach out based on the chance that this time might be a bit better. Some people dip in and out of no contact quite a lot.
I came close once to getting back in touch, wrote the letter and everything. It wasn't at Christmas but it was prompted by a major upheaval in my family of choice.
I showed it to my other half and he advised me not to send it. I listened to him.
Your family that you have made for yourself may be able to advise you too.

[Markclo1]

yes you are right about that, i have maintained some degree of hope, although i am losing the hope ive had in recent years. I have been stonewalled regarding the issues i have brought up in the family. some times i wish i had never brought those things up, and things could just return to the way they once were but i know that is the desired impact of stonewalling and i really need to maintain these boundaries,but  sometimes i feel like its killing me to do so, especially at this time of year.

[lkdrymom]

What do you hope to gain by contacting him?  Do you really think he has changed especially since he has made no effort to contact you?  Sadly I think your father is broken and doesn't have the ability to change.  In fact I don't think he even sees a need to change.  He thinks this is how people are supposed to be. Both my parents had dysfunctional childhoods.  My mom made sure she did everything the opposite of what she was raised with.  She was able to recognize it was wrong and changed.  For the most part my father did too but you could catch a glimpse of my grandmother in him every so often.

[Markclo1]

yes i would have to agree, i dont belive he has changed at all either, deep down i know that. i know its not worth contacting him, but deep down there is still some kind of hope that things could be different. i believe he probably enjoys the power of knowing that i feel that way.
One of the challenges that has compunded this situation is that my sister has decided this is not a problem of dysfunctional family dynamics, but initead its only a problem in the relationship between my and father and doesnt concern anybody else. This year she advised me that she thought the problems with my dad were partly my fault for not trying to build a better relationship with my father in recent years. My response has been to ask how on earth do you expect me to build any kind of relationship with such a man? She wont even discuss it , she gets very defensive and shuts the conversation down as soon as she hears my repsonse, either that or she simply tries to ignore what ive said. There is a lot of tension betweeen me and my sister these days, we havent had any contact in the last 6 months. I think she simply doesnt want to face the reality of the family dynamics, but what can i do?

[treesgrowslowly]

Sadly there is not much you can do when someone is in denial about the situation. As you said to her - how exactly does she think you should have built this better relationship with him? And you said she doesn't have a real answer for you. To me, that looks like she's in denial about the actual problems.

The golden child in the family will have had a very different dynamic to their parent than her siblings have had and continue to have. It can be easy for a sibling in denial to say "I have relationship x with dad, why can't you have the same?". 

If you read about family systems and dysfunction, you'll see that there is often one adult child in the family who works to protect her / his parent from having to 'grow up' and take responsibility for their own actions. That adult child tends to feel like their own emotional safety is wrapped up in making sure they can preserve their own relationship to their parents.

You probably won't get anywhere by calling them out on any of this, since it is largely unconscious on their part. They fear what will happen if they take a stand against the parent, and so they instead, get angry at the sibling who did take a stand.

Sadly this is a common way in which dysfunctional families end up with estranged and strained relationships. You can't pull another person out of the denial they are in. They might stay there (in denial) because that is the only thing that they know.

Trees

[Markclo1]

Thankyou, i believe you hit the nail on the head. My sister finds it impossible to understand or empathize with my postion regarding my father and the wider family. its interestiing because i wouldnt have said she was the 'golden child' as we were growing up, but she has assumed that mantle in the last few years, she seems to have worled hard to create the role for herself, i think thats why she gets so upset if i have anything negative or critical to say about the family.  I have also learnt that what you say concerning trying to discuss this with my sister is useless, we just go round in circles and get nowhere. Its reaassuring to have affirmation in what i have been expriencing. You are also correct that she seems to have invested so much in trying to maintain relationships in the family, even if the those relationships are not healthy ones. i dont belive she sees the problem at all, hence all the defensiveness when i try to discuss it

I think all i can do is focus on my own family and not spend too much time dwelling on this situation anymore. Sometimes i have felt guilty, like if i would have just stayed quiet, none of us would be dealing with any of this, like it was somewhow my fault. i know that is not true, i really need to move on with my life. The family is broken and there is nothing more i can do to change the situation. Thanks, dealing with this dysfucntion, all the estrangment and strained relationships can be really tough sometimes with a lot of emotions.

[treesgrowslowly]

You are very welcome. My own FoO is so messed up I learned a lot in order to understand why they were so different from me.

It baffled me that others did not want to address the root causes of the unhappiness.

Denial will protect people but it comes at a cost. They can't heal if they stay in denial. You can't help them if they defend their denial. All you can do is live your own life.

It is a good idea to focus on your family and making things easier and clearer for yourself, so that their behaviours make sense to you and you understand some of the denial they can't see.

Trees