My response to the latest guilt trip - tell me how I did

[goldtracedcloud]

Have been no contact with a narcissister for a couple years, & of course, Christmas day could not go by without an attempted guilt trip from my parents for not coming to the family holiday.  It started with them sending a photo of the N-sister's child and no one else.  Then a long text of everything they did with the N-sister, how they missed me so very much, followed by a less than cryptic "still hoping..."  (Based on all the rhetoric I've heard before, I could only assume that "still hoping" meant still hoping that I would speak to my sister.  It has been phrased before as "I hope you can forgive" or "make amends").

This was all preceded by a gift card they emailed Christmas Eve.  I had already taken the message of it to likely be "we want you back in your role."  So I guess I figured something like a guilt trip was coming.

Needless to say, I explained to my family in much further depth than I ever should have why I was going NC with my sister when I did years ago.  They were given the facts, and have chosen which narratives to repeat and believe.  I realized last night when I got the guilt trippy texts, that I didn't need to bother explaining all the things I have already explained to people who have never listened to me.  But I also realized and felt that saying nothing and accepting guilt trips would not be entirely healthy for me, so here is how I chose to respond:

"Photos of our favorite winter candle and [pet] on her holiday blanket 🥰🐶 Hate that [niece] was coughing. I've been having cold symptoms past few days too.  We had a cozy day at home with the pets.  Happy to hear about the kids, but not as guilt trips.  Sounds like everyone had a good day & I am very glad to hear! 🎄❤️ "

I chose to be as nice as I could be because I am not trying to completely cut off everyone right now & because I have not gotten a guilt trip from anyone in my family for a long time (truly, that is mostly because I keep my contact with them very limited).  What I was trying to communicate was "we can have a relationship, but not one with guilt trips."  The response I got was them backing down and claiming they weren't trying to guilt, which was a better response than many others I could have anticipated.

I know I will have to continue being assertive and sticking to boundaries with family if I want to have more self love and respect.  It is hard.  Even though the official holiday has passed now, I still have more decisions to make around seeing and handling family.  Wish me luck please.  Have been following therapist Jerry Wise on YouTube thanks to the suggestions of others on this forum.  The words of wisdom and encouragement he shares have been getting me through.  Most recently he posted, "If you are an adult child of a dysfunctional family, remember that you can choose to leave a family gathering, or not go, just because it is simply what you prefer.  Their resistance or inability to recognize what is right for you doesn't have to change your preference."  Carrying those words with me.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.  Feedback on my response to guilt tripping parents is welcome.  Wishing courage, strength, and peace to everyone else who is dealing with difficult situations at this time and all other times of the year.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there,

Sounds like your response was honest.

Glad you are learning from Jerry Wise. He really gets it. Lots of great videos.

If your narc sister's behaviour is still acceptable to your parents, then that is on them. One some level, they accept her narcissism in their lives.

In your writing you wrote that you have had low contact with them overall. In my opinion, low contact with narc-connected FOO enables more healing and self-discovery as we get Out of the FOG. It creates space for you to befriend yourself and to feel more and more confident about your own boundaries.

Good luck to you and I hope the Jerry Wise videos continue to be helpful to you!

Trees

[Srcyu]

I thought your response was really good. It was friendly in a polite understated way. You were quietly assertive about not using  news about the children as guilt trips which they accepted well. Respect for yourself comes with maturity and you seem to have reached that.

[goldtracedcloud]

 

If your narc sister's behaviour is still acceptable to your parents, then that is on them. One some level, they accept her narcissism in their lives.

Thank you, Trees.  This is very true.  They've all complained about how she's treated them over the years too.  Doesn't stop them from scapegoating and lashing out at me for having the boundaries I've needed to though, and that has been a difficult and hurtful pill to swallow.  & You are right about the distance, I find I am generally able to have much more positive thinking towards myself the less I see or speak to them, sad as it is.  I've come a long way and still have a ways to go. 

& Windmill, I really appreciate your response.  I was initially torn between either not responding to their text/guilt trip at all or bothering to explain (again) where the guilt really belongs.  I am still learning how to find balance in being polite, but true to myself...finding a way to more directly call out and tell them I didn't want the guilt trips was a new step for me. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah well done. Your keeping it friendly in tone and yet very direct allowed them to simply deny. Which you don't have to accept, of course, but it allows them to save face? Still hoping indeed. For a pony? Whatever. I see it as a kind way to handle it. Whether the good effect lasts is not necessarily a function of how you handled things. Dysfunctional people are going to create drama.

I've gotten some similar doozies from my IL family members. If I'm supposed to forgive, then you're admitting they're abusive? And if I'm supposed to make amends, what for exactly? It makes no damn sense, just pushing buttons on a broken vending machine in an effort to get a response.

[goldtracedcloud]

Thank you, Cordelia.  "For a pony?" gave me a much needed laugh today!  Right?? & You're very right about the contradicting messages of "forgive" and "make amends."  I've never thought about it that way. "Hope you can let go one day" is another one I get that would seem to admit to the abuse. They make it clear that they are not happy that I don't speak to her, but are never able to specify what I need to be making amends for.  Last communication from sister was a card that said something like "I'm sorry for my part in the breakdown of our relationship" implying I had a part in it too with no other words or specifics.  I'm pretty sure she only sent it so she could go around telling everyone that she apologized, and try to make me look like the bad guy for not accepting.  There are just times I have to accept that I will never fully understand how their minds work.