My Story and Advice to Improve My Life

[Beholder]

Hi Everyone,

I am 42 years old and male.  I just found this website.

My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and I spent most of my life living with narcissistic abuse; I was the scapegoat in my family.  She isolated me from family, sabotaged friendships, told me regularly that I was sick and disturbed, encouraged and threatened physical abuse from my father on me, repeatedly threw me out of the house, multiple times had me arrested for mental health concerns that she made up, tried to give me a criminal record, blamed me for all her mental health problems and all the problems in the family.  The worst thing she did to me was sabotage my schooling, since I was a straight A student and cared a lot about school this was devastating to me.

I have had no contact from all family members for over 15 years.  I made this decision then mostly as an emotional response; I thought it was the only way to avoid suicide and stay alive.  Now I know that what I did was a normal and correct response to narcissistic abuse.  I have no social media and my family has none of my contact info.  It is for the best, but I am very lonely with no family and barely any friends.

I developed ulcerative colitis, psoriasis, chronic bronchitis and bipolar disorder.  Although not the sole causal factor, I believe narcissistic abuse to be the major factor that caused these things.  I have put a great deal of effort into healing in my life and I no longer have symptoms of the first three diseases.  I have been working on bipolar disorder in the last year which I now realize is a combination of that as well as CPTSD.  This has led me to come to terms with narcissistic abuse and having no family which up until recently was so painful that I couldn't think about it.

I have healed myself enough to know what I have missed out on in life.  I have had almost no intimacy or love at all.  I am good looking and can act confidently so I know cognitively that women like me, but I have a fear of intimacy which has prevented me from ever having a girlfriend or being in love.  I've been thinking lately about having children before it's too late, but it seems like an insurmountable goal since I've barely dated women at all.  My main goal for the rest of my life is to have a family that I love and that loves me, and I believe marriage and/or children is the only way to achieve that, but I'm scared because the older I get, the harder it will be.

Please give me advice on the following issues, or any part of them:

1.   I would like to contact my golden child younger sister.  I would like to talk to her and possibly help her become aware of everything that happened.  I have great sadness when I think about her.  I am aware that she is under the control of my narcissistic mother and cannot be trusted, but she is also a kind and loving person.  Is this a good idea?  Another option is to wait until after my mother's death although I believe that inheritance will drive a wedge between us since I expect none.

2.   Should I try to get in touch with relatives I knew from childhood?  I was isolated from most of my Dad's family since my mother couldn't control their thoughts.  I don't have any social media or any of their contact info.  Should I try?  Is this a good idea?  What if they don't want to talk to me or insist that I reconcile with my father?

3.   How can I get over this aversion to intimacy and find a girlfriend or wife?  I can act confidently most of the time, but women always sense my fear at some point.  This usually overrides sexual desire as well unless I'm alone.  I have a hard time meeting people also since I have few friends.  How can I meet people to date?  If I do meet someone, when should I tell her about CPTSD and abuse recovery?  I can't avoid it, since it pervades almost every aspect of my life and I have no family.

4.   Is there anything obvious that I should know but don't seem to realize?  What sections of this site would be good for me?

Thanks a lot for any advice or help.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! It seems to me that you have reached a stage in your healing where you want to move from avoidance of intimacy to closer connection with trustworthy people. Unfortunately with the background many of us on this site have, there is a danger of choosing another PD because we don't recognize the red flags obvious to people who don't suffer with c-PTSD.
You will find lots of support and information on this site if you stick around. It is also a safe way to begin to reach out to others. In order to heal we need to connect, and we need to do it in a way that is safe for us. You might also want to check out the crappy childhood fairy on YouTube, she gives lots of dating advice, you might find some useful information there.
As for reaching out to your sister- I can only tell you what I do. If I have the feeling that I want to reach out to someone and this feeling lingers for a while, I do it. How the other person behaves is up to them. I fulfill my need to contact them. If they behave in a hurtful way, it re-affirms my decision to have no contact with them. If they behave in a welcoming,  kind way, I have more contact with them. I keep on experiencing, learning, growing.  Maybe you have come to a point in your life where you no longer need to protect yourself so much, because you have grown strong enough to tolerate frustrations that come with human interaction.
See you around on the boards.

[Gwendolyn]

Hello beholder

Glad you found this forum and I hope it brings you some comfort to know you are not alone.

You cover alot of issues in your post and there is no 'right way' to proceed.  As an outsider, and because you asked!, I'll give my general impression.

My journey Out of the FOG and the disorder of a dysfunctional family upbringing is worth the effort and has opened new doors to new relationships and opportunities.   My autonomy is hard won and when I see my two sisters who have not disentangled from our covett narc mom, I wish there was something I could say or do to 'wake them up' or 'make them see'...but that's not how it works.   My mildest pushback against crazy 'mom stuff' has them defending her and questioning my version of events and essentially sets off a cascade of emotional flares that even when unspoken cloud our relationships to this day.  Disloyalty to perfect mom is the number one sin and there is no forgiveness in my family dynamics.  So the price I pay for my new life is bearing the weight of knowing that my sisters aren't ready to pay the same price.   They are cowed and trained into 'supporting perfect mom' no matter waht.

So after therapy and 100s of hours of viewing youtubes about family emmeshment,  narcissistic parents, dysfunctional families and reading a about individation, etc... I realized I am better off facing forward and being brave in my new real world than I am imagining there was something I could do or say to change my sister's or the dynamics of my family of origin. 

So here you are a handsome fellow interested in finding a partner and building a stable home life for a new family.  That is a fine and attainable future goal.  Now look at the other items on your list and decide if they are of higher priority than this one future goal that you do desire?

Is it possible that thinking about starting a new family is triggering you to try and resolve old and potentially unresolvable issues from the past? Could those old and unresolvable issues drag you off your future path and exhaust your energy reserves? 

Is it possible that you going ahead and living in a forward facing mode and developing the mindset of an action oriented fellow will one day open doors for your GC sister to reach out to you and ask "how did you break away? Can you help me?"  Perhaps your success will inspire others... we can never know for sure. 

Seems like you can be the king of your own castle now and and guard your progress.  Anything that undermines your self determination or drags you back to old wounds  isn't going to help you attract the type of stable woman you'd want to be part of your life.

Imagine the future you want and go for it.

You're young and these FOG  problems of ours are not solved in a day...somehow we use the self awareness we gain to improve our own morale and encourage ourselves in ways that we never were encouraged when we were younger.

Be brave and do what's required to meet and marry a lovely lady if that is your dream.  Nobody can do it for you but a dysfunctional family can certainly drag you off course.

All the best,

Consider me an older "auntie "

Gwendolyn