The quiet never lasts long...

[Magnolia34]

I hope everyone survived their respective holidays! It was quiet over here, but as you all may know that's not always a good sign.
This past year my H's 6 year long court/therapy battle with uBPDEW ended. When the kids began making allegations of abuse and threatening self-harm H decided it was time to back away and give the kids what they were saying they wanted. His two uBPDAC are 19 and 21. The younger two are middle school/high school age. There was just nothing left we could do. The older two have been NC for several years and the younger two moved out of state with their mother at their request. They asked H not to contact them. The whole thing is heartbreaking. We have just started feeling like we were getting our feet back underneath of us and moving on as best we could, then we get a call from H's father. Both of my in-laws are older and in poor health. FIL is bedfast and in a nursing home. H's uBPDD (19) sent FIL a text after several years of NC. It started sweetly enough "I'm sorry I haven't been in contact, can I bring you a home cooked meal?" and quickly moved onto "I know they've been telling you lies and we all want to tell you the truth-can I call you tonight?"  FIL forwarded the text to H and asked what to do... it feels really tricky. He's their grandfather and wants nothing more than resolution. But DH has been here many times with uBPDEW and now the kids. As of now, it seems like the only thing H can do is go sit down with FIL and walk him through everything that happened. H is careful about what he tells his parents. They're kind of fragile and it all feels so hard and heavy, he doesn't want to burden them. But it also feels important that they know the whole story, especially if the kids are attempting to pull them into things. I think they'll follow the guidance H gives them. We've also heard through the grapevine that uBPDD may need money and my in-laws are very generous. I would imagine that's behind most of this.  I think I've seen it all and then the hoovering begins on an old, sick man.
How do you turn the volume down? How do you let it impact you less and jut turn it into noise? I'm still waiting to figure that one out.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening, Magnolia. I don't have answers but I do understand your concerns and share your wish to turn down the volume and be less affected by it.

[Preamble]

Magnolia34 I am so so sorry you and your H are having to go through this.  I know how it feels to watch the destruction of relationships happening before your eyes.  All I can hope is that you both keep in touch with everyone who seems willing, and talk about non-dramatic things.  If I allowed a vacuum to form, "they" filled it quickly and I learned not to do what they do (denigrate the absent person) because they are better at it than me and it's not a competition I want to win.

Do you have some fantastic hobbies and interests?

[Leonor]

"As of now, it seems like the only thing H can do is go sit down with FIL and walk him through everything that happened"

Actually, there are a lot of other things to do, none of which involve a tug of war with your dh's aging, bedridden father.

If your husband's daughter wants to speak to her grandfather, and her grandfather says he would like to listen to her, that is between the two of them.

If your husband's father wants to speak to his son, that is between the two of them.

Your husband's daughters have their experience. They have their own perspective and their own history with their father and their own mother. That is their right. It belongs to them. And they have the right to talk about that experience.

That may be very painful for your husband to hear, and it may strike you as outrageous, unfair and cruel. You may desperately want to defend your husband and he may want to set the record straight with regard to his daughters' mother.

None of it is your business, and since your husband's minor daughters are living as they choose or independently as adults, it's none of your husband's business either.

If your husband steps in to interfere with his father's relationship with his granddaughter, he will be triangulating in a war with his ex wife. After 6 long years why would you want to kick up that dynamic again? What good could that possibly do? To ensure that your father in law dies "on your husband's side?"

Magnolia, parental alienation is horrific and crazy making. But to get involved here will only bring more chaos and upset.

[moglow]

They asked H not to contact them. ...H's uBPDD (19) sent FIL a text after several years of NC. It started sweetly enough "I'm sorry I haven't been in contact, can I bring you a home cooked meal?" and quickly moved onto "I know they've been telling you lies and we all want to tell you the truth-can I call you tonight?"  FIL forwarded the text to H and asked what to do...

I don't want to be as snotty as this may sound, but honestly this isn't your and your DH's stuff. Grandfather needs to decide "what to say" for himself. Presumably you've not "told them anything" or at best on a need to know basis, nor should that be an issue. She specifically asked that DH not contact them and that's what you've been obligated to do, painful as it is. Beyond that, really, what are you to tell grandfather? This teen is making assumptions she knows nothing about, assumptions likely put into place by her mother. Still, not your stuff. If DD suddenly wants a relationship with her grandparents that's on her and between them, you're not keeping her from anything. She's an adult and needs to speak for herself, stop making excuses and blaming others while she's at it.

Short version: Your DH and you have nothing to explain to grandparents. Those girls made clear choices and can change them at any time. Her contacting grandparents and feeling some sad need to "tell the truth" isn't on you - it's on her. I'd steer clear of the whole mess if it were me.

[Magnolia34]

Goodness. So many very intense opinions. I appreciate those of you who responded kindly and non-judgmentally.
There was never intent to have anyone choose sides. My in-laws are elderly with lots of physical and mental health issues. My husband is in charge of their care and financial wellbeing. He has handled the situation appropriately. My in-laws were understanding and my father in law has communicated with his grand daughter (because as my husband said, he would never tell his parents not to speak with their grand children) and exactly what we knew would happen did. She asked him for money. My in-laws handled the situation very kindly but did not encourage or enable manipulative behavior. My husband only wanted to make sure his parents weren't upset or taken advantage of. I'm relieved with the outcome and sincerely hope for all relationships to be restored some time in the future.

[Srcyu]

You are involved because fil approached your husband.
Fil is elderly and not in good health. He reached out for advice because he values what your husband has to say.
It would have been heartless to respond with, 'keep me out of this.' Your husband will want to share with you everything that's said because you are his support system.
I'm not sure how to 'turn it down' I think you both handled it the best way possible.

[moglow]

I'm glad it went well for them, not so much that she was hitting them up for money. Having that hook in it makes it a bit distasteful to me and I understand the concerns. I wouldn't want the grandparents to be taken advantage of either - too many people in the world do just that with their own agendas, never think of the other person. My concern was his parents being dragged into something not of their making and the girls [and/or their mother] demanding that they take sides. That's just not necessary for anyone. I try to remember that every relationship even within a family is different, not everyone connects on the same level nor will they.

It tweaked my protective buttons for yall that DD prefaced her request with "I know they've been telling you lies and we all want to tell you the truth..." Why DO that to her grandparents?? It just seems senseless to me and sounds like someone's still grinding an axe.