The death of my "UNPD" friend really highlights the issues with my NPD friend

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I don't actually know if my friend would be diagnosed with NPD, but she does have some of the traits.  And since the death of my good "UnPD" friend, I have so little patience fo the N friend.  For example, my deceased friend was always happy to hear from me.  She told me, several times, that if I ever needed to talk, it would not bother her if I called at one or two a.m.  I never did that, but it was such a kind thing for her to say.  I told her to feel free to call me whenever she needed.  But the N friend is quite different.  She is very regimented about when it's okay to talk.  Also, she often schedules deliveries for my "time slot."   She looks at a political show at the end of our "slot," and I notice the deliveries are NEVER scheduled for then.

I have pointed out to her that she's choosing the time to talk, and that it looks as if she could choose another time for deliveries.  For a while, she changed the time, but now we are back to it. 

Also, she is not particularly interested in  people, so I can not have the sorts of discussion which I have here, and which I had with my deceased friend.  In contract, my departed friend was up for discussing anything, and was always interested in whatever I had to say. And she was a great raconteur, so I really enjoyed hearing her stories, and I was interested in all aspects of her life, from her animals to her beliefs regarding the afterlife.   When I could talk with her, I  had a lot more tolerance for my N friend's peculiarities.  They still stressed me, but now I compare her way of being to my friend's, and I find the contrast painful.

By the way, my deceased friend used to warn me about this N friend.  She felt that she was a user, and that the only person she really cared about was her sister. 

Well, I will write more later, but just wanted to write about this in the friends' section.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that your friend died.

[moglow]

If she's not interested in people, how is she your friend? Is she maybe a friend who's basically moved more to acquaintance level by her own choice? And why do you have a set time slot for conversation with her, like an appointment?? Me, I'd call at a different time or die trying! Or simply not always be magically available for that one moment in time - I mean, other people have lives too whether she recognizes it or not.

For me, it's been hard coming to grips with people being who they are and accepting them as such. Accepting means not having any expectations of "different" and that's not easily done. I promise you though, it's much easier when I do than the relentless attempts to reach someone who's just not interested.

[Amy-Rose]

Firstly sorry for your loss I remember reading about it a while ago. My friend with BPD and Bipolar died almost two years ago and I miss her terribly so I feel your pain. Her death was how I became acquainted with the friend I had problems with.
My friendship with Liz and other healthy friends only highlighted all the red flags for me, too. That's why healthy relationships are so vital they teach us to notice the unhealthy ones. Sometimes evaluating is needed. Does this friend add anything special to your life? Or does she tend to flit in and out with zero interest in you and is constantly being awkward and it feels deliberate? We all have things in life to deal with that can through us of our normal behaviour patterns. That is why I stuck it out with this other friend for 18 months. She'd lost her job, a sister attempted suicide, and friend (although I don't think it was a friend the woman just adopted one of her foster dogs) suddenly passed away all in one month. 7 months later our mutual friend died and then her other sister died the following month (potential suicide as she was BPD). I gave her a lot of rope for slack, even though many of her behaviours and words didn't sit right with me.

Only a week after losing her sister she did bereavement counselling. Then private. Then more free off the NHS. Then joined bereavement groups and charities. When one ended she went and joined another. She did spiritual healing, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, cleared every blockage possible, lifted past sins from past lives, did self healing/improvement courses online and after 18 months I saw no improvement.

That much bad luck doesn't, in my experience, turn a good person into an unhealthy one. Someone doesn't become a liar, manipulator, user and blame shifter just like that. She brought nothing good to my life so I had to cut her out.

Is it necessary for you to do the same maybe?

[Preamble]

countrygirl I am sorry for your loss but grateful for your post.  Your observation that your friend's kindness made it easier for you to tolerate your other friend was very striking to me because I have always had the feeling that my younger relatives were in this same position - that my concern and love for them was only enabling them to further tolerate their parents' emotional abuse.   It got so bad that they began repaying good with evil

I hope someone kind comes into your life soon

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I had just replied to all of your replies, when my computer fruited out and I lost the reply!   Curses!

Thank you, Poison Ivy, for your condolences.  I lost my friend three weeks ago this coming weekend.  I was friends with her daughter before I was close friends with her; then the daughter died, and the mother and I became very close.  They were both extraordinary people. 

Moglow,  You are right about expectations.  I do have an issue with this.  I know you've spoken to me about it before.  Something I need to work on.  This friend and I have a longterm, intense relationship, and I have often been on the fence about it.  I could try not having any expectations, and see how that works.  The time slot, as I call it, was her idea.  It worked well during shutdown, for a variety of reasons, but it no longer does. 

Amy-Rose, Your description of your friend's treatments was, well, very descriptive!  She "...cleared every blockage.  Lifted every sin from every past life."  At this point, I may be paraphrasing, but if that's not it verbatim, it's close.  She didn't change, and you couldn't tolerate it.  This is what happened with the friend with whom I had to end things some years ago.  I realized she was never going to change, and I just couldn't take it any more.

Hi Preamble, I bet you are your young relatives' saving grace.  I read once that children of abusive parents have a chance of growing up to be empathetic people if they have at least one person in their life who cares for them.  My situation is different, because I am not a young impressionable person.  At any rate, you did nothing wrong; you were a beacon of light.

Now I am going to post, without rereading, because I don't want to lose this reply!  Please excuse typos, etc.!

[Preamble]

That is very kind. I get the impression they despise me, and when I have contact with them,  I can tell I am less nice to be around for my other connections

Hi Preamble, I bet you are your young relatives' saving grace.  I read once that children of abusive parents have a chance of growing up to be empathetic people if they have at least one person in their life who cares for them.  My situation is different, because I am not a young impressionable person.  At any rate, you did nothing wrong; you were a beacon of light.

Now I am going to post, without rereading, because I don't want to lose this reply!  Please excuse typos, etc.!