Doubting what has happened

[InTheDragonsDen]

What is the term for the narcissistic partner (me) starting to doubt the events that happened in the past? I know its weird

[escapingman]

Cognitive dissonance maybe, or gaslighting yourself?

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks escapingman. Think under stress I kind of not provide an excuse for her behavior but I at times have self doubt and reduce what she did. The feeling doesn't last. When it happens, I start to go over the list of things she said, or did and how she ignores me in favor of other "new supply".

[square]

The term "abuse amnesia" may apply.

Also "trauma bond."

[JustKeepTrying]

All of the above fit - please talk to someone about it though.  I didn't and it came back in a big way years later.  This is a wound and it will fester.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Dragon, check out the terms in this link from Out of the FOG.  Any terms and/or definitions here that may be helpful in your search?

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do

SoT

[escapingman]

Dragon, I have forgotten most of the abuse that STBX did to me. Bit since I started keeping a journal and recorded it I remember it all and if I am at doubt at any time I just go back and read a couple of incidents and then I am put straight again. Please start journaling if you don't do it already.

[NarcKiddo]

Please start journaling if you don't do it already.

I second this. My therapist advised me to journal. I wasn't keen and didn't think it would help. I have a natural aversion to "writing a diary" because my mother is an infernal snoop and reads any diary she can get her hands on. Although I liked the idea as a child, and started many diaries, I could only write banal stuff in them and quickly became bored.

I have discovered an app called Day One and it is really good. The free version is OK but with the paid version you can set up as many sub-journals as you like and view/update them on any of your devices. You can set journals to be hidden so if you open the app by accident and someone is around you they cannot see anything you want to keep private. It's really easy to find stuff and you can add photos etc. For me the fact that it is on an app takes away all the negative feelings about lack of privacy which surround a paper journal for me, even though there is an almost nil chance of my mother ever reading a paper journal of mine these days as I control her access to my house.

I am very good at gaslighting myself and I have suppressed an awful lot of memories. Sometimes I find myself telling my therapist stuff that I know is true but even in the telling I wonder if it can possibly be true because who would treat their own child that way?

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks everyone. Yes the journal is a huge huge help.