In the Dragon's Den

[InTheDragonsDen]

Her verbal abuse over the last couple of days has been extreme. She has rolled out such gems as "you don't love me" (she is the one verbally attacking me), "you will never find another woman like me" and "you have changed" (yes, you no longer are getting your way. Lost her personal serf).
She went to bed in a pout. Built a wall between us on the bed and rolled herself in a blanket to avoid any possible physical touch. I fell asleep, woke up to go to the bathroom and noticed she wasnt on the bed and was sleeping on the floor. When I returned from the bathroom she was back on the bed and cocooned herself again.
Then the verbal abuse started again followed by some hitting and pinching. She wanted an argument in the middle of the night. I refused to get into it and suggested if she continued that she go sleep at her parents house which set off even more "you do not love me". She perked up when I said why don't you take a weeks vacation and go stay with your cousin. At one point I asked her if she wanted a divorce. Of course she didn't answer, just returned my question. Then the pity party started. Suddenly she was on death's door. Her whole half of her body felt numb, yada yada yada. Suggested we go to the hospital. Nope.
I have made choices in my life, the responsibility lies with me. She has made her choices.
Will keep posting on this thread the progression of events.
Lucky I had the heads up (thanks to this site and others who have traveled the same path before me. You have provided a road map). Strangely calm and not going to get drawn in those no-win arguments she creates. The only way to win, is not to play.
Thanks for listening.

[notrightinthehead]

Seems like you are on a good path.

[InTheDragonsDen]

She is getting stressed as I am not responding to her as before. Last night was beyond nutzoville. She was being critical of me, then wanting a reassuring hug, then back to abusive and then wanting a hug or for me to get some thing for her. Her standard lately has her been asking me to do small things and several small things like get a glass of water, I would get the glass, sit down and a minute later she would want something else.

Then it was time for bed and I was just getting ready to sleep and she said she was going crazy then a few minutes later starting singing some kind of song she learned while in school (kindergarden?) then said "Yes teacher, no teacher, F YOU teacher", then went back to the song and repeated the whole thing including the teacher stuff several more times. When ever I talked to her she responded normally. Guessing she was trying to sooth herself? Or see how I reacted.
What ever it was........this was a first and a new level of cuckoo.

Her "spell" over me is broken, she must feel this but rather than her "trying" to throw me a bone, she throws more of the abuse mixed in with the smallest morsel possible. Her need to be in control, to win, to dominate, to avoid looking weak is stronger than anything.

They try and control everything around them but they themselves can not control themselves. They are controlled by their anxiety and need for attention and other twisted feelings inside of them.

[Srcyu]

I like your style of writing ( if that's any consolation).
Your reference to the other members providing you with a road map was very well put. 
You seem to have an extremely strong emotional distance from her now which is fortunate considering her bed time antics.
Her mind games towards you are all engulfing on her part. Panic that her hold on you is weakening. You are her captive audience at bed time. Hence the repetitive song singing. Anything to keep you in her world.
Because even sleeping would be a form of self care that distracts you from her.

[square]

That song thing honestly strikes me as a method to make you worried for her and her sanity so you take care of her again. Imho.

[escapingman]

That song thing honestly strikes me as a method to make you worried for her and her sanity so you take care of her again. Imho.

My STBX used to crawl round on the floor hysterically crying to try to make me look after her, after 5 minutes when it wasn't working she tried a love bomb instead, and when that didn't work she tried to rage at me, then back to crying, full cycle in less than an hour.

[Starboard Song]

ITDD,

It sounds like you have made a decision: you are all done, wrapped up, over it, no mas. If that is correct, it is time to take actions that will protect you (and her) and your assets as -- I suppose -- you move towards divorce. Things get ugly when we don't consult an attorney and make Good plans early: right away.

If that is not where you are -- if you remain open to trying to acheive change -- then you'd need to run-not-walk to a couple's counselor before irreparable harm is done. But it really sounds like you are past that.

Either way, you seem to be on a strong path.

[escapingman]

ITDD,

It sounds like you have made a decision: you are all done, wrapped up, over it, no mas. If that is correct, it is time to take actions that will protect you (and her) and your assets as -- I suppose -- you move towards divorce. Things get ugly when we don't consult an attorney and make Good plans early: right away.

If that is not where you are -- if you remain open to trying to acheive change -- then you'd need to run-not-walk to a couple's counselor before irreparable harm is done. But it really sounds like you are past that.

Either way, you seem to be on a strong path.

1000000% correct Starboard, to achieve a divorce with a PD without using middlemen is nigh on impossible. I am over a year in and no end in sight and I have had a lawyer for 15 months.

[Starboard Song]

1000000% correct Starboard

Such percentage.
So math.

[InTheDragonsDen]

THank you everyone. Your replies mean the world to me. In the real world I have not shared about my wife with anyone.

24 hours ago I was looking forward to going. I wasn't even getting the tiniest breadcrumb. But last night was painful. She gave me the entire loaf and I didn't expect it nor ask for it. We had a perfect evening, perfect night (she hugged me and snuggled like old times) and a lovely morning and that hurt so much. She knew what I liked especially the snuggling and falling asleep together and withheld it for years (she usually cocooned herself in multiple layers of blankets or just leaves an ankle out so we can make some form of physical contact) .
All this made me remember a video (Too much and too late). It hurts, but then again, that was the intention.
By noon, she had brought me back to reality. The quips.

Feel lost and uncertain today. Fully understand I should go. Fully understand what staying means. Due to my age and physical limitations, I know if I leave, I spend the rest of my life alone. Either path is going to be a sad one.

[Boat Babe]

I'm 65 and am single. It has it's ups and downs. The ups being total autonomy, which I prize highly, and complete peace and quiet on the drama front. The downs are a lack of intimacy and the feeling of being totally alone in the world sometimes. I counter this with cultivating and maintaining my friendships, being very active in the voluntary sector (purpose and cameraderie) and having my dog for snuggles.

I choose being single and mostly happy over in a dysfunctional relationship where my very Self is under attack every time.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Boat Babe, thank you. I was figuring others had walked the path that I have to walk and so good to know it has its own happiness.

So glad tonight, she is trying to create drama tonight. I am back on track.

[Boat Babe]

Glad to be of service. I am on day one of a little tour of various friends, staying overnight. Went to a nice pub that I know and played a new board game (Carcassonne) and chatted with acquaintances then went back to my friend's place and we sat on her bed, drank beer and chatted for a couple of hours. Tomorrow, me and the dog are driving to another friend's 60th birthday celebration which will be delightful. Good food, wine and conversation and laughter, guaranteed. Next day I am visiting a couple who live near the coast and we will walk the dogs on the beach. My friend is cooking a mega Sunday lunch. We'll probably round off the day with a film.

I'm not telling you this to boast but to show you how rich the single life can be. It's nothing fancy, requires no special equipment or very much money but all this makes me happy.

You too can be happy again, can have your life back and your choices entirely your own.  I believe in you.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Getting the full on devalue.
Oh the manipulations.
Part 1: Actually occurred months ago, she told me how after her first boyfriend left, he found a woman to live with and after a couple years she hoovered him back, refused to be intimate and gave him the same mind numbing experiencing I am getting
She said she felt r (aped) the last couple of months when we were intimate. This is part 2 of the manipulation
Part 3. She totally stops all physical contact except for not by accident brushing up my thingy several times a day. (I am not taking the bait, I know if I respond, huge drama)
Result: This has helped me to realize that being alone is a million times better than living with her.

I now look at everything she says and does as manipulation.

Every happy moment today she has tried to create drama. Have not taken the bait, played like I do not understand and kept smiling.

Kudos to those that face this full manipulation for years. A couple days and I am exhausted.

Vaknins alcohol and the covert narcissist has me worried, hope she leaves me alone once I am gone.

[InTheDragonsDen]

She had been down and sleeping a lot until I called her out on her behavior a couple weeks ago.
Now she is active and angry. Very angry but she does seem to have a plan. She does

[Starboard Song]

Thank you everyone. Your replies mean the world to me. In the real world I have not shared about my wife with anyone.

I think it is time to change that. Our friends and acquaintances in real life can give us so much strength. Our IRL friends hold us accountable. I'd encourage you to think about all your friends and family, and think of the one person you most can trust with your heart. It may be a stretch.

At one point in our crisis, I was talking to someone I just volunteered with, and didn't know well. But I knew his background and trusted him to be wise and honest. It worked. He was honored that I came to him and we have supported each other ever since.

A friend who knows everything and still respects you means a lot. There is so much you can share with a friend that we cannot possibly know. And -- and this is big -- a friend can give and take even when you are being wrong or stubborn. If you trust a friend, they can help you to make plans and stick with them.

I wish you so much good strength.

[InTheDragonsDen]

No family left. Just me.
Added 2 friends that I stopped contact with 3 years ago.
It feels so wonderful.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Wife went to a community dance followed by a private party at her relatives. She was suppose to stay overnight.
Enjoyed my day walking the dogs. We have a morning and dusk / or dark walk at night. Very rural area. Stars perfect.
She calls when I am on the walk. Video call, all she cant see anything I so knows I am not at the house. I tell her I am about a mile from the house. She says she is staying the night (that was the plan).
Back home, enjoying music outdoors with the dogs, couple hours later and she is home. She drove home drunk. Couldnt walk to the house. Guess at her cousins when she left she backed into and over turned a cement table. Car damaged. Had to get her to bed, clean her up. Car and her covered in vomit. Get the towels, water, etc set up and the "pail".

When she goes out to any event where there is music and people the results are always the same, well except for the car damage and her driving home. That was a first.
She drinks to the point she gets sick, usually can not remember things she has said. Her cousin does the same. Actually her cousin is usually the first one to go down, or stumble and fall, or sit on the ground, and usually the first one that is done for the night.

At home with no party she can go weeks without drinking or take 1 beer. Parties, full on nuts. She needs the "courage" from the alcohol to change from an introvert to an extrovert....... and hunt.

[SonofThunder]

DragonsDen,

Im sorry this occurred. 

It actually very much angers me that she risked seriously injuring or killing an innocent person by driving intoxicated.  I understand the basics of the law, and that police, even tipped to a drunk driver, will probably only pull the driver over if erratic driving or some other real legal reason to do so. In some cases, I understand even a reliable tip from a family member is not enough for law enforcement to legally make a traffic stop without real evidence, as tips can be abused. 

She is not only putting others at risk, but you as well, in liability.  That in itself is another hasty consideration imo, in your decision making to protect yourself.  In self-protection, you may want to consider some strong boundary action/reaction you will now make to protect your liability, using this incident as the spark to make it occur. 

That decision-making may also just save the life of an innocent person. 

SoT

[InTheDragonsDen]

i SoT, in 9 years this is the first time and it is also the first time I refused to drive her / watch her party.

The rages and way I am treated  the last 3 months have obliterated my "fear" of being alone.

Realization that this just will progressively get worse and time lost.

Realization of the way they think, the vindictiveness, manipulation, lies, etc. I am absolutely sickened.

No obligation to babysit an adult.

Building new friendships is the goal. Dogs are a great way to relax, feel happy and meet new people.

Looking forward to a new and free life.