In the Dragon's Den

[InTheDragonsDen]

The good news is, the bond is broken. Took far to long to see things as they are.
Everyday here is a day wasted, except for the time I can enjoy alone.

[escapingman]

I am feeling for you dragon. PD and drinking problem is a toxic combination, I had a "friend" when I wad growing up that ended up in fights and other trouble as soon as he drank, he then tried to settle down with a girl and kept complaining to a friend of mine how they could not stop fighting at home. Now with the knowledge and what he has done lately I a know he is a PD. Would your wife settle down and have less PD tendencies if she stopped drinking? Even if you still go ahead with the divorce, would the whole process be easier if she stayed sober? I am not sure, could you get her into some kind of rehab? Even if it doesn't save your marriage, it might save someones life?

Good luck dragon, you really are in the abyss right now.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Escaping man,
She needs attention and as an introvert she needs the alcohol at social functions and then once empowered by alcohol she becomes super extrovert. For example climbing on huge speakers to dance to get attention and considering she is older than the teenagers / twenties crowd it stands out. Actually the other day I was joking with her saying she will be the "dancing grandma". 
Eventually the runaway train will run off the tracks in old age. It will be quite a train wreck.
Most days she does not drink. She may have 1 beer at home per week.
Lucky enough to see the video alcohol and the covert narcissist by Vaknin and it mostly fit.
She is not addicted to the alcohol but she is addicted to the attention and she needs the alcohol to change into the extrovert, the hunter.

At social functions she looks for other men to connect with. Once they share contact information, well, you know where that road goes.
I can tell who she is looking at and whether this man is seeing her for the first time or if they have a history, or at least I think I can.
There is always 1 man that she singles out. In the past she was more reserved. Now she meets a man and seeing the two of them you would think they are the couple which is why I no longer go out with my wife to social events of any kind. This also helped me to understand their "compartamentalization". I would get attention before and after. The new man during the social event.

Any bond or connection to her is gone. Must say I feel revolted by being near her but until I find work, this is the best I can do. Little down I didn't move out yesterday but with no job, high risk.

Everything becomes so crystal clear once you have no feelings for them and want to get away as soon as possible. So tired of the endless pity party the last couple of months. Lucky there are no children involved.

Have found a slight way to improve the home situation. Dangled a carrot. Some would call it a future fake. Now this carrot is on a string and she will never get that carrot. But the carrot has brought quiet today and I think it is a big enough carrot to keep her fixated on it until I am out the door for the last time.

[escapingman]

How are you doing ITDD?

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Escapingman,
The bond is gone. Totally. I am sickened inside by her manipulations and hurtful remarks. Sickened when she shows her true self, the vindictive behaviors. It is a stomach turning feeling. The illusion "I created" is gone.
Have learned it is okay put myself first. Since my childhood, I have been the caretaker. There is a slight tug to be the caretaker but I have learned that this is a losing relationship for me. I give. She takes. I give all, She discards once I have nothing left to give.
Have learned that I must work on building more friends, building and maintaining boundaries in my life.
Know that I will probably be alone the rest of my life but that is so much better than waiting to get discarded once I have placed the rest of my life and given all I have to give. No, I want more from life.
Need work. Have had interviews and I hope. If work does not come right away then I will take the first opportunity. At the moment, she doesn't leave me alone and goes everywhere with me.
There is the stress and anxiety of "needing my freedom". I dream of the peace and quiet to come.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Last week has been her withholding terms of endearment (which is ok at this point) WHILE she has been taking selfies of us together to put on social media to show what a happy couple we are WHILE behind closed doors she is angry at me, pinching me, hitting me (neither are hard enough to hurt more to release her anger / covert style), silent treatment, etc.  She also talks about us in the future and I do not believe this is future faking but meant to keep me in the relationship. They have to dominate, have to win and also punish their partner. When you realize they are controlled by their need to control and being a covert type one can expect little else.
Has to control. Has to dominate. Has to win. All she wants is for me to go to work, make money, forget about any affection from her, allow her to seek others for her drug (attention) and then when she has everything she needs to sustain her way of life, I should die.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks to this site and the Dr. Ramani youtube videos I have "woken" up.
The illusion I helped create is gone. The bond is gone but there are moments, brief moments when I almost "feel" the urge to go back to the illusion but those moments are measured in seconds. Keeping a written log book of all the lies and hurtful remarks really helps.

If I had to describe our living condition at the moment it is like two roommates being put together who are not overly hostile to each other but certainly not friends.
There are multiple little quips everyday from her. Overall we are basically grey rocking each other.

She shops online and I asked her to buy a piece of medical equipment for my health issue, which she has never even acknowledged I have. She refuses to buy it for me she said set up your own account and do it for yourself. Which matches what I long believed. Her ultimate wish is for us to stay married and for me to pass sooner than later. Oh the attention. I will get the medical equipment myself.

Hopefully only another month or two and my life can resume in quiet.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Waiting to lock down work. On the doorstep so to speak.
First time I actually felt scared.
I am very sensitive (uber empath). Very sensitive to changes around me. Her family had 7 dogs when I arrived. They had a distictive white / black coloring. In the area they were unique. Three days ago the last one died, old age. She always ran to great me when I went to her parents place. She is gone.
The vet just moved and closed shop. My dogs have been sick so much it was a running joke how often we would see him and he would also drop by the house to check on the dogs. A huge parcel of land where I walked the dogs had a lovely forest. It is being cut down for farm land. For the first time people that I had seen on the street passing by (giving and taking warm smiles) for years I now think about soon I will never ever see them again. Same with all the local shop owners.
A year ago I thought this was my forever home. My forever community. I felt I belonged.
Due to my age and health most likely I will live alone the rest of my life. Not a happy thought. The other side, this relationship is dead and beyond repair. It is torture but it is a familiar torture.
She cooks and cleans. Any semblance of intimacy is gone.
Feels like the best of everything is behind me. I tried to get her to talk to me several times in the last few months. Nope impossible. Unmoving. Uncaring. I did it in a very slow mannor and didn't really get a chance to get into anything. Once the anger started I said it was okay and I stopped.
Yup, I am scared. Big time like a baby. The bravado is gone. If I stay, I have no control of anything. She could end it at any time or do anything.
There are other things that brought me comfort and they have just changed / ended within weeks.
I do not want to live alone. I do not want to stay. Worse yet if the job does not come through, I have to stay.

[escapingman]

ITDD, I stayed for so long because I didn't want to live alone. Now I am out, I am so much happier and at peace. You don't know what is going to happen, but being alone is so much better than being abused.

[InTheDragonsDen]

I hope. I hope you are right. I have no family left. No friends. Just her.

[escapingman]

I hope. I hope you are right. I have no family left. No friends. Just her.

I had no friends thanks to STBX, I am trying to build a network of friends but it's difficult especially when I struggle with trust. Can you join any social clubs or activities? I know it is tricky, I am an introvert so I find it difficult with new people at first, if they stick around it gets easier with time.

We are all here for you ITDD, we got your back.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Also a introvert. Not into clubs and most past friends are women, who naturally end up in a relationship with.

[square]

I am hearing you, ITDD. It's very hard.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Either I jump or she pushes. This is the way I see it. One way or another this will end. My work is outside the country. I will be gone for over a month at a time. She will find another and it has always been easier in my mind for her to do so.
I know the transition time will be the worse. Once I transition to a temporary home I then have the freedom to find my happy place.
Thank you Square and Escapingman.

[InTheDragonsDen]

When a relationship between two non's reaches the point that one or both no longer care about the other there is a sit down, a talk to share ideas and also to reduce the tension between the couple.
Talking or sharing thoughts with a NPD at this point only gives them more information.

I am having a ton of stress at the moment.

Is there a way to get a covert narcissist to be the one to end the relationship??? I can find nothing on this on the internet.

[square]

Yours told you how she works. I think she is almost certainly going to remain true to that.

If you need a push out the door, perhaps something will happen to provide it.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Square, stress relieved. Her parents would never intervene BUT I did go talk to them asking to talk to my wife. Her mother and her talked and when I returned home my wife was very very civil and she dropped the silent treatment.

One way or another, sooner or later, the inevitable will occur. At least for today, I have peace and quiet. She went to her parents house soon after I returned and let me tell you, it feels great to have the place to myself.

Still waiting for the final word on the job.

[escapingman]

Is there a way to get a covert narcissist to be the one to end the relationship??? I can find nothing on this on the internet.

If she is anything like my covert uNPDstbxw she won't leave as long as she is is getting supply. You have to look at all supply, emotional, material, whatever it is that gets her tick. Looking back I can see that STBX would never have left as living in the house in the neighbourhood was enough supply for her, and as she could not have afforded to keep the house herself she needed me. The irony is that she had everything, and I would have kept provided, but she had to, just had to add the abuse to it and in the end it was just not tolerable anymore.

ITDD, I think now is the time for you to stand up for yourself and be a man, end this yourself. I wasn't brave enough to do it for many years, but the relief to be out and the peace. I can't tell you enough how grateful I am to myself for finally taking the required steps. I didn't get it perfect, I can see things I should have done different, but when you are in the middle of it you can't see and think, all is about survival.

Good luck.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Escaping man, thank you and I had also thought about the "total supply". She needs me to work, she needs the social status of being married, she needs the social status of a happy family in the community. LOL She just doesn't need it to be me.

Question for you, when you noticed your wife wanted it over, how did she act towards you? Did you notice a huge change in her behavior? It so, can you write in detail about this as I have been looking for this on videos but there is nothing there.

Set a boundary in November and another a few weeks later. Lots of raging on her part. The second time, I could tell she had enough and wanted me gone. The hugs, the pretending all stopped. She has gone stone cold.
Today she gave me the silent treatment. Refused to answer and I went to her parents. After which at least she talked to me. Tonight, I see her as uber stressed.

Havent worked in 3.5 years and hope I can go back in March or April. Once I do a month at work, I can walk through the door.

Money opens the door to freedom.

The biggest thing I learned is that when it is time to leave, do it when she is not home, no talks prior. Either is like having a hand grenade taped to your body and you yourself pull the pin. It is going to blow up in your face.

[escapingman]

ITDD, STBX never wanted it to be over. I am pretty sure she still wants to come back and continue where we left it. However, when I decided I was going to leave and didn't play her game anymore she rapidly got worse. She got cold, raging, lots of silent treatments, played the victim etc. When I eventually filed for divorce she managed to up it another level and she was walking round like a ticking bomb, one moment she raged, the next she was the victim and then she was trying to be nice - she could go through the entire drama triangle trying out all roles several times an hour. In the end it went so bad that one morning, I took my bag with my work stuff and walked out the house, she was raging at me whilst I was going but she had no idea I had no plan to ever speak to her again. Later in the afternoon I collected DD from school and we went to a hotel.  This was 8 months ago and I have never spoken to her since.