went NC with PDM yesterday

[Ms.Fang]

Hi all,

Still learning the lingo on this forum so forgive me if I make any mistakes.
Went no contact (for a specified time of 6 months) with my narc mother yesterday and struggling with the sadness and guilt of it all.
I'm glad I've been doing learning about what to expect with narcs because it helped me see all the toxic behaviors she exhibited during the conversation.
Victim mentality and guilt tripping are her two main favorites. What made me most sad is the only emotion she actually shared was that her ego was hurting. There was no expression of missing me. At the end there was the usual expected words of love and wishing me well on my journey etc but it felt like it was just a matter of saying the right things.

I've gone through the usual gambut of emotions since then. Sadness, guilt, joy, relief, disappointment.
Reading through stories on this forum today has brought up feelings of I guess imposter syndrome?
Like oh she was never physically or verbally violent so it wasn't that bad surely.
Feeling awkward for being upset about her emotional immaturity and lack of physical affection or empathy during my childhood.
Like, it's not as bad a story as others have experienced and yet I do feel justified in going NC and that it was the right decision for me.
The clincher has been that recently I discovered that the abusive orthodox school I went to was even worse than I thought and one of my classmates had been sexually abused by our religious male teacher. I have received very little support from my mother through these last few months as this has all come out. There's been the apology from her but it always ends up being a conversation about her struggles and then her childhood trauma. Which is all valid but not at all okay for her to be emotional dumping on me right now. 
I've tried gently bringing up the idea of therapy for her and she always resists.
I'm so tired of trying to help her and being her dumping ground.

Wow, so this turned into a bit of rant, thanks for listening.
Hopefully things will get better, I'm especially thankful we live in different countries now as it'll make this whole journey much simpler hopefully.

[Starboard Song]

Like oh she was never physically or verbally violent so it wasn't that bad surely.
Feeling awkward for being upset about her emotional immaturity and lack of physical affection or empathy during my childhood.
Like, it's not as bad a story as others have experienced...

Those feelings are so common. I am glad you are well-read enough and self-aware enough to spot them and understand, and to conclude as you do that none of those brushback feelings are dispositive. You've done the right thing for yourself, and it is a thing you needed.

Trauma and mistreatment is not a competition. There will never be a round robin competition to declare the single legitimate grievance: all those mistreated are aggrieved. A worse story elsewhere doesn't alter your own.

I'm glad you've taken this big step for yourself. Realize now there will be ups and down. This isn't easy. But you can get to a place of greater peace and greater health.

Be good. Be strong.

[moglow]

Wow, I'm sorry, Ms Fang - you ask for six months no contact and her ego is hurting? Um okay. It's amazing to me that some have absolutely no inner resources to see what's right in front of them, no understanding that they have a responsibility in the relationship as much as you do. Thing is, if it were all childhood mistreatment most of us would have figured out how to deal with it and carry on. Not knowing your story, it seems to me it's been a long and painful road to get you to the point where you need no contact for whatever period of time. That's not an easy choice to make! But her ego is hurting ...


Mine has many times demanded that I "fix this!" as if I somehow burned it all down around her for kicks and giggles. Not one indication that she sees her part in it or heard anything I've said explaining exactly how we got where we are. I've even stopped her mid-rant more than once and said specifically, THIS! This right here is why we don't have a relationship! You're so busy throwing rocks and building walls that you don't hear a thing I say. All I hear are insults and ugliness, who wants that??

So if I may ask, how did you get here, where no contact is your best/only option? Sometimes the first step in healing is getting it out so you see it in the light of day. 

[Ms.Fang]

Trauma and mistreatment is not a competition. There will never be a round robin competition to declare the single legitimate grievance: all those mistreated are aggrieved. A worse story elsewhere doesn't alter your own.

You're absolutely right, thank you for your kind words and response. It's really appreciated. 💜

[Ms.Fang]

Wow, I'm sorry, Ms Fang - you ask for six months no contact and her ego is hurting? Um okay. It's amazing to me that some have absolutely no inner resources to see what's right in front of them, no understanding that they have a responsibility in the relationship as much as you do.

Right?! There was zero acknowledgment of my feelings. She's knows I'm working through some heavy stuff in therapy right now. She considers herself to be a sensitive and in touch person but she lacks so much self awareness. Her sensitivity is simply about how she feels about how other people react to her or what she assumes others think or feel about her etc. It's so toxic.

So if I may ask, how did you get here, where no contact is your best/only option? Sometimes the first step in healing is getting it out so you see it in the light of day.

It's been about a decade of struggle since I became an adult to detach myself from what I now understand was enmeshment, emotional incest and parentification to name a few. The more work I've been doing on myself the more I've been able to see all the trauma and decades of letting it fester in her psyche. For so long I have tried to be a so called good daughter and have just gotten nothing back. These last few months have been the clincher though. Some terrible news about the orthodox school I attended came out. My classmate was abused etc. I've been suffering and dealing with a huge history of emotional, physical and sexual abuse as well and had a breakdown earlier last year which I couldn't share with her because then I'd have to deal with her feelings about it. So she knows some of what I'm working through but apart from giving a lukewarm apology about the part she played as a neglectful parent, she's found yet another way to make this all about her as well and sharing her childhood trauma and comparing her experience in school to mine. Refusing to see a therapist etc. I'm so over it. I'm not her therapist or emotional dumping ground anymore.
She also sent me a follow up message today (I said she could send one more message if she had any questions.)
Basically the entire message was about how emotional she was feeling and that she hadn't been trying to guilt trip me yadayada and that she would respect my decision and pray for me every day etc. Ugh. Then asked me what dates I was travelling overseas.
Time will tell if she actually respects my wishes. I'm not holding my breath.
Phew big rant! Thanks for listening.
😅

[moglow]

Right?! There was zero acknowledgment of my feelings. She's knows I'm working through some heavy stuff in therapy right now. She considers herself to be a sensitive and in touch person but she lacks so much self awareness. Her sensitivity is simply about how she feels about how other people react to her or what she assumes others think or feel about her etc. It's so toxic.

If I may, should you decide continue contact with her later please be careful what personal information you give her. Gauge it carefully and on a need to know basis. It seems a way to maintain a relationship [it is with a normal person], but I found with mine that personal info would come back to bite me hard later, whether through her sneering demeaning comments or third-hand through someone I'd have never have shared that information with. Therapy and/or antidepressants? Clearly I was crazy. Work issues? I was a sorry employee and she didn't know why they put up with me. Romance? Oh HELL no! Travel? I'd get every horror story ever heard then she'd tell all and sundry where I was, how long I'd be gone, etc. while never showing any interest whatsoever in the trip itself.

And her followup message? Pardon me for being a cynic, but that sounds like her reaffirming her status quo. She's expecting "normal" conversation and may pout at no response or reassurances that she's not guilt tripping you etc, disregarding your clear statement of six months no contact.

[Ms.Fang]

Thank your for your response and insight.
I already have a standard of telling her stuff on a need to know basis as much as possible. I haven't told her about being on medication because her understanding around mental health is basically non existent.
I'm really sorry you experienced such harshness and lack of respect from your mother.
I feel you on the lack of interest they take in our trips or life in general. I told her I was going to fiji with my polycule which an exciting first for me and it just got derailed into a conversation about money.
I did tell her that she could message me once more if she had more questions about NC but as described previously she squandered it on trying to convince me that she was not guilt tripping me and then asking what dates I was going to fiji!
She never enquires about my partner even though I've been with him for nearly four years and when I had a girlfriend she only occasionally asked how my 'friend' was.
It drove me nuts.

Also apparently when she spoke to some old relgious classmates of mine and they asked after me, she told them complete lies about me. Insisted it was that they were too conservative to understand my lifestyle but really I think it was just to save her own face because somehow she believes that the choices I make reflect on her. Ugh.

Thanks for listening. It feels good to be able to vent on here.

[PunkCroc]

I'm struggling with facing the idea of going NC myself. How did you build the strength to do it? What did you say?