The harassment continues

[RiverPurl]

My sibling and I are estranged for many years. It was about 6 or 6 and half years last time I saw her. 

I had a row with her years ago about 2 years before that approximately.  I found it hard to navigate the afters of that row.  I never set out to row with her.  She turned nuclear on me.  In the months after that, I was hurt. I found money and my belongings gone and missing. I steeped back from that relationship and gave it space.   She started texting me abusive messages and blame.  It's been years of an interrogation from her.   I don't respond to her because there's nothing I can say to fix this. She has a lot of hate for me.

Her behaviour is definitely harassment.  There was so much blame and hate and abusive messages and revenge.  Just abuse from her.  I generally ignored her for the most part for a long long time. Sometimes I did respond but for the most part I ignored her. I haven't responded to her in years now.  We don't share any physical time together.

She is similar to others in the family too.  She took on irritational points and developed hurt feelings that she choose to carry with her for years and that resulted in an abusive revenge campaign from her.   Again ignored for a lot of it. Except for one sibling.  He ignored her a lot of the time but sometimes it got the better of him. Any time he did respond to her, he was definitely revenged the most.

This is so sickening now. I haven't seen her in years. She's like a stranger to me. Her campaign is still going on to this day.   It might be from fake profiles or shaming us to friends or employers.  In recent times its been mail in the post. There is always something.

The appropriate professionals never helped us.
- lawyers washed their hands of us and bounced us back to the police. In my country civil law is falling short and the only thing available to me is an expensive injunction and I don't have the means for that.
- police said without violence from her its a civil matter
- in recent times, I started to inform mm GP just to get it down into a medical chart somewhere in case we ever have to go down the medical grounds.  Even that is falling short.

She continues.

In recent times I did consider if I should start speaking up and expose all of this bullying out into the open but I never did continue on that way. I don't think that is the answer to stop her. I think maybe that might even fuel her.

Last month I got mail in the post.  It was from her. There was no mail.  It was rotten and so pointless and served no function whatsoever.  Basically she took up a man from my past going back about 12 years and he had no part in our falling out.  It was just a picture of his face. Nothing else. It was her writing. That was last month. I just chucked it into the back of a cupboard and got on with my Christmas to enjoy my time off.

Then all these weeks later. I got more mail.  It was the exact same thing again. Her handwriting on the front of the envelope. It was just the same picture.  It's a broken record.

I am ignoring it again. 
This is so draining and sickening because her hateful revenge campaign is still ongoing.

We were all on good terms with her a few  years ago for a family funeral but within a month she turned on us all with her abusive writings and interrogations about her feelings. This is something I realise I am not able to fix and I had to walk away and step away and keep away. The others in the family are the same too.  I did go down the route before at engaging with her and giving her explanations and apologies because that's what she was demanding for at the time. That was about 5 years ago but it didn't help.  She twisted everything and circulated everything.

I got many many many messages from her for a long time like - 'do not ever text me again.... You are dead to me.... Do not come to my funeral when I die... I repeat do not come to my funeral when I die....' - it goes on and on and on and on. Years of abusive messages from her.

Whenever she does communicate its always abusive from her - it's insults and unwritten threats from her and so much more.  I get a ense maybe she has a silent expectation for me to fix this broken relationship between us and giver her what she wants.  She's not being clear exactly but that's what I think it might be but I don't know.
That's not going to happen any more from me though. I can't fix this. This isn't for me anymore.  She will have to learn how to meet someone half way and I am not willing to say that to her. I'm not willing ING to engage with her because she's a bad person.

Today's mail just filled me with nerves and filled my stomach with sick because out of nowhere it continues. There's no end in sight.  All the years of revenge that she took over the years, she is still not happy or satisfied. 

[RiverPurl]

Trigger warning:

My sibling is someone who is disturbed and sick. We all had to take steps away from her. She made up many points against us and for years she has tried to sexualise all of us within the family.  She's utterly envious of the family in that we are still somewhat friendly without her and all she did then was sexualise everything.  She made up so many things about all of us and our bodies. It's sickening.

She loves focusing on my breasts and making points on them and she lives focusing on my brothers and their genitals.

If anyone outside of the family was to see half of what she sent, they would think she was thoroughly abused but me and my siblings are all close in age with only a year between us all except for the youngest brother.  Brother A was born. Exactly one year later brother B. Exactly one year later me and my sister.  My brothers never had the capacity to harm her when we were all so small together at the same time.

[blunk]

Hello RiverPurl, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, it sounds truly disturbing.

I have a sibling with whom I am long estranged, mostly due to his drug use and theft over the years. Other than a brief window when my father was seriously ill, I have not seen or spoken to him in 20+ years. And even during that window, the only communication was through FB messenger, so that he did not have access to my telephone number and/or address, and I could re-block him at any time. The rest of my family knows the situation, and some do have contact with him. I respect their choice to do so, but all of them know not to give him any of my information.

I can't help but think that in your case, just like mine, the only way to prevent that ongoing hurt would be not to engage with her at all. I know it may not be easy, but you have every right to block her texts, phone calls, emails, etc., and if she sends something through the post mark it return to sender without even opening it. You are not obligated to tolerate anyone's abuse or harassment...not even a family member's.

[Leonor]

Hi River,

My dh has a similar situation with his sibling, who is rageful, relentless, and just downright mean.

It is sad. It is hurtful. It's infuriating. And it's complicated.

But that doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag.

Block her everywhere. Throw all written communication in the garbage. Refuse to explain, justify, or defend yourself to anyone else (A simple, "oh, I'm sorry that you had to see/hear that" to a friend or coworker will suffice.) She is mentally ill.

Grieve the loss of your sibling. But don't indulge in gossip sessions with your other siblings about her. Don't triangulate with them to bond against or try to change her. And if the legal system can't get involved, stop trying to enlist them on your "side." That's a way to continue to engage with her.

And if you can, once you have some clarity that comes with grief and peace, allow the awareness that she may be, in a very unconscious, destructive, and hurtful way, some truths about her experience in your family.

Surround yourself with safety, comfort, and warmth.

[RiverPurl]

I'm not engaging with her at all. It's been years since I tried to get the legal professionals on board too. I have nothing to do with her but her focus is still on me.

There was an unwritten message and unwritten threat within her mail. Even though the words were not typed or written there was an unwritten threat in it. Almost as if to say - you can't run from me. I found the recent mail the hardest. Even though I got it before, I found it the hardest because its a new year and she's still showing her old ways and no new beginnings from her. 

[JollyJazz]

I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this! She sounds very unhinged!

I would hang on to that evidence.

Sibling abuse is not taken as seriously as it should be. Still, with the additional recent evidence, might it be possible to get a restraining order? It would then be illegal for her to contact you (at least where I live).

Anyway, definitely keep up with the ignoring her, depriving her of any kind of response will hopefully help in reducing her harassment.

I hope you can keep well and happy in the meantime!

[JenniferSmith]

I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with that.  I have a sibling who hates me for irrational reasons, but at least they don't harass me the way your sister does.  It sounds like you're doing all you can to manage it. Personally, I think you should save anything she sends you, put it in a box in a closet or somewhere out of sight, just in case anything worse ever happens. Just to have a record of it.  I don't know if this is true about your sister, but in my case, my sense is that my sibling is using me as their target to direct all their unhappy/angry feelings at. Its a very uncomfortable spot to be in.