I've brought up the possibility of leaving her, and now she's being good. Help!

moglow · February 02, 2023, 03:11:52 PM

May I suggest you don't "act like" anything other than who you are. Waiting for that anvil to drop is gonna wear you down.

IsleOfSong · February 02, 2023, 04:20:05 PM

Quote from: square on February 02, 2023, 03:09:07 PM
IoS, what is your current mode of relating to your wife? Gray rock, medium chill, something else?

If you're in GR, sure, go to MC if you like. But keep your heart.

I'm more MC than GR at this point, I think. I mean, she's being civil (if not eerily nice) to me and our kids, so I don't feel like I need to be overly cautious in the vein of GR.

Quote from: moglow on February 02, 2023, 03:11:52 PM
May I suggest you don't "act like" anything other than who you are. Waiting for that anvil to drop is gonna wear you down.

I wasn't being too serious; I was mostly marveling at the reverse "psychology" and push-pull of a relationship with a PD. Even if I wanted to, I'm not sure I could "fake it 'til I make it" at this point...

escapingman · February 04, 2023, 05:44:05 AM

I got to think about something with my STBX and when she was trying to make me change my mind after telling her I wanted to divorce her. A few years prior to this I gave her a very expensive gift for her birthday, she reacted in a way she didn't like it and the kids got very upset and pointed out to her how expensive it was. She never used the gift given to her, quite clearly she wanted to make me suffer as it was an item she normally would have loved. Fast forward to Christmas when she was trying to be good, I gave her a few boxes of chocolate just to have something for her to open in front of the kids. She reacted as it was the best presents ever and threw herself at me wanting hugs and kisses. It's freaking mad what is going on in their heads.

IsleOfSong · February 04, 2023, 02:20:17 PM

Quote from: escapingman on February 04, 2023, 05:44:05 AM
I got to think about something with my STBX and when she was trying to make me change my mind after telling her I wanted to divorce her. A few years prior to this I gave her a very expensive gift for her birthday, she reacted in a way she didn't like it and the kids got very upset and pointed out to her how expensive it was. She never used the gift given to her, quite clearly she wanted to make me suffer as it was an item she normally would have loved. Fast forward to Christmas when she was trying to be good, I gave her a few boxes of chocolate just to have something for her to open in front of the kids. She reacted as it was the best presents ever and threw herself at me wanting hugs and kisses. It's freaking mad what is going on in their heads.

This is good for me to keep in mind. Thanks, EM. (And what a waste of perfectly good chocolate!

)

IsleOfSong · February 20, 2023, 01:05:49 PM

A brief update: Wife is still being wife of the year.... we went away for a night to the wine country near us, and at different points she a) linked arms with me as we walked down the street together (I didn't respond other than to let her loop her arm into mine); b) talked about us getting a cottage there after our youngest goes off to university (I didn't respond); and c) mentioned the possibility of a summer vacation to an expensive, bucket-list location (I didn't respond).

It's the epic battle of her hoover vs. my MC/GR. Not healthy, but I'm hanging in there until I feel ready to really end things.

IsleOfSong · April 09, 2023, 12:13:15 PM

A quick update — we're now nearing four months since I told my wife I'm contemplating leaving her due to her frequent meanness, nastiness, impatience, and silent treatments, and she's still mother/wife of the year, more or less. And all without a second of therapy.

She's still being surprisingly supportive to our kids (vs. argumentative, dismissive, and controlling in the past), gives me ample space (in almost an eggshell-y) way to me and my statements and interests, and really hasn't gone silent on us much at all. There was one instance a couple weeks back where she reverted and got icy toward our son, at which point he and I had a chat about it. But the storm blew over, and they just went on a trip together in which my son reported to me there were "zero arguments and zero silent treatments."

I'm wondering just how tightly she's superglued her mask on at this point, and it all still feels like I'm being gaslit over my complaints about her frequently petulant behavior over the last 10+ years. It's hard to enjoy this shift. And I'm resentful that, if it was so "easy" for her to "change," why did she choose not to for years and years? The answer is pretty obvious — it was working for her to be a jerk, that's why — but it could have saved us all a ton of heartache.

escapingman · April 09, 2023, 01:44:45 PM

For me it was the complete opposite, when I told her I wanted us to split up she was good for 2 days then doubling down being terrible for 6 months until I had no other choice than leaving. Not sure which is the worse to be honest?

IsleOfSong · April 11, 2023, 01:23:19 PM

Quote from: escapingman on April 09, 2023, 01:44:45 PM
For me it was the complete opposite, when I told her I wanted us to split up she was good for 2 days then doubling down being terrible for 6 months until I had no other choice than leaving. Not sure which is the worse to be honest?

At least you weren't gaslit, I suppose, although even six seconds of PD antics (let alone six months!) is too much.

square · April 11, 2023, 02:33:19 PM

Whether the PD doesn't stop their abusive tactics, or stops them cold because stopping is now a benefit to them whereas they were fine being abusive before, comes out to the same thing ultimately.

It's got to hurt knowing that your attempts to communicate that you were being hurt came to nothing, and only changing the stakes for her made it worthwhile for her to behave.