struggling young teen

[Jolie40]

I don't believe teen has a personality disorder
however, she is really struggling with identity & not knowing birth parents

we adopted daughter from another country & it's unlikely to ever find birthparents or even if they're alive

today, she had another meltdown re not knowing birthparents
I said maybe she could go to counseling which I have suggested before
once again the answer is "no" because all they do is sit there she says....maybe she's heard this from other kids in counseling

when she was little, everything was great, we played, had fun, she laughed, she was happy, etc

I wish I could help her but short of finding birth parents.....
she doesn't want to do DNA at this point which some have done & sent to a database

when she's not in a meltdown, she is fine as in getting good grades, in school activities, playing with dog, etc

meltdowns are more frequent..... she is SO angry about not knowing birthparents
what can I do?

[SonofThunder]

Hi Jolie40,

How very kind and caring of you to adopt and raise a child.  I tip my hat to you. Your teenage daughter is so very lucky to have such a loving mother/mom; a caring, supportive and patient parent. 

My children are now adults and married, but both went through their teenage meltdown years.  You have given your daughter all the great options of exploration and counseling and she has so far, refused.  How wonderful of you to be supportive. 

You wrote: "when she's not in a meltdown, she is fine as in getting good grades, in school activities, playing with dog, etc". 

Imo, that is your gauge, and she seems to be a well balanced teenager who is having teenage meltdowns.  Again, great job on raising a balanced teenager! 

Also, it may be interesting for her to define the word 'parent'.  Imo, a parent, a mother/mom and a father/dad, are the person(s) who pour their lives into the physical, emotional and financial wellbeing of a child.  Being the provider of an egg and uterus or a sperm, does not make one a mom or dad.  Imo, a female can give birth to a biological child and not be a parent/mother/mom.

Again imo, you have been very gracious and generous to offer her resources.  Wishing you continued patience and joy during the hormonal meltdown years. 

SoT

[Jolie40]

Son of thunder,
we are the lucky ones to have a daughter to raise!

I have attended workshops on adoption & trauma plus read so many books
the identity issues are lifelong for adopted individuals
think of reading a book where the first half of it is missing

she always tells us "we know our parents"
I'm on other websites for parents of adopted kids & many other kids are going through the same thing
the parents don't know what to do, either

it's a huge hole not to have a beginning & have no info whatsoever on birthparents

I just wish I could help
our love is NOT enough & that is what I've heard in workshops
she has said "I will never be her mother" meaning birth mother
the first time I heard that, it really hurt but now I realize just how much she hurts
she wants that connection, especially to parents who look like her

[SonofThunder]

Son of thunder,
we are the lucky ones to have a daughter to raise!

I have attended workshops on adoption & trauma plus read so many books
the identity issues are lifelong for adopted individuals
think of reading a book where the first half of it is missing

she always tells us "we know our parents"
I'm on other websites for parents of adopted kids & many other kids are going through the same thing
the parents don't know what to do, either

it's a huge hole not to have a beginning & have no info whatsoever on birthparents

I just wish I could help
our love is NOT enough & that is what I've heard in workshops
she has said "I will never be her mother" meaning birth mother
the first time I heard that, it really hurt but now I realize just how much she hurts
she wants that connection, especially to parents who look like her

Thank you for the teaching  Jolie40.  I have zero experience in this area so good to get your educational reply.  Understanding what you taught, it seems adopted kids have a desire that can be easily shattered, if the female that birthed them cannot be located, expresses their own desire to not meet the child, or creates more emotional harm to the child by this person being a detrimental relationship.

Therefore, could it be a good exercise for the adopted child to really define what makes a 'mom' and a 'parent' ?  She can be 100% confident that she has a good one in you, and if the shatter does occur, than it possibly softened by the solid understanding foundation of comfort in you as her mom, even though the 'what-if' may still exist regarding the birth mother? 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Jolie40, there might be groups for adopted children, especially children adopted from other countries, that meet in person or online. And there certainly are other resources for people who were adopted. Can you encourage your daughter to look for and explore some of these? For example, a former neighbor (the age of my adult children) writes about adoption and adoptees. Search for "red thread broken."

[Jolie40]

Jolie40, there might be groups for adopted children, especially children adopted from other countries, that meet in person or online.

yes, our teen has taken part in these groups online through the adoption agency
when younger there was a group an hour away that we attended but it disbanded
through the last online group, friendships developed & they face timed throughout the summer

however, now teen has said she doesn't want to take part in the groups anymore
she said "I don't want you to push me to take part" I don't push but just announce when things come up
recently, teen has also said "I wish I was white"

I think overall it's just tough being a teen & then add in "being different" & the whole not knowing your birthparents
we've hugged our child from the beginning every night before bed & say "I love you"
we continue to do so.....if only this made her feel loved enough

[notrightinthehead]

Sending you a biiiiig hug! You don' Write how old your daughter is but it sounds like she is in the middle of the teenage life crisis drama.  It also sounds like you are an above averagely informed and emotionally supportive mom, so that the additional complications of different color and adoption can be compensated. 
I had teenage meltdowns because of the shape of my legs, my nose (they are fine) and my daughters had equally unsolvable problems. It might very well be that your daughter is struggling with acceptance. Who she is, her life story, her own, very personal complications, her obstacles. Sounds to me that you are loving and supportive. She is not yet an adult, but she is no longer a child. So how about you take a step back, try not to solve her problem for her but rather take the approach - this is her battle, I am here to pick her up when she falls but I leave her to do her own fight.
My daughters also hated it when I suggested counseling. To them it felt like I said that something was wrong with them and I wanted to take them somewhere to be fixed! Wait for her to ask for it.
Maybe one day she will want to travel to the place where she came from. Maybe that will bring her closure, maybe not. The best you can do for now is to brace yourself and adopt a stance of well meaning and serenity for the stormy ride ahead. And come here to vent!  It's hard being the mother of a teenage daughter.

[Jolie40]

So how about you take a step back, try not to solve her problem for her but rather take the approach - this is her battle, I am here to pick her up when she falls but I leave her to do her own fight.
Maybe one day she will want to travel to the place where she came from.

you're right, I can't solve her problems but how I wish that I could!

I'm glad we got another dog as she was close to the one we lost in 2020
this dog is smaller & she carries it around like a baby, lol
she talks to it & lets it sleep in her bed!
it might get her through the high school years which start next year

she says she does want to go back to the country she was born in (some day)

[Jolie40]

Therefore, could it be a good exercise for the adopted child to really define what makes a 'mom' and a 'parent' ?  She can be 100% confident that she has a good one in you, and if the shatter does occur, than it possibly softened by the solid understanding foundation of comfort in you as her mom, even though the 'what-if' may still exist regarding the birth mother? 

in her eyes, we are not her "real parents" as she considers the birthparents to be the real parents

we love her & totally feel she is our child from day one

however, I don't think teen totally feels like we are her "true" parents since we're not the birthparents
she says she loves us but she can't forget that we are not the birth parents

on mother's day, she writes a message to birthmother on a balloon & sends it up in the sky
maybe we need to do more to make birthmother part of her life even though we know nothing?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think her balloon ritual sounds healthy for her. You don't know anything about the birth mother, she gets to release whatever emotions she has about her that year. It's also hers, not yours. I'm not sure what you mean by "we" needing to do more about birth mother, but my first instinct, echoing others, is that this is her thing.

At her age it's perfectly natural that she be wrestling with identity and her looks. Let her. I think a parent's role in this developmental drama is to be a place of stability, exuding confidence in your daughter and her ability to resolve these existential questions. The hard part for us is to let go the need to control the process, but it's so important!

For yourself: You know your parents, yes. And here you are on Out of the FOG dealing with the trauma of it. You have more in common with your daughter than she allows. This burden of hers is probably triggering to you. Because you are trying so much to be a good mother, to break the cycle of abuse, to love her unconditionally, to spare her pain. And here she is telling you you aren't enough. And you realize it's actually true. That would hurt any mother, for sure! It will take some time and maturity to get to accepting that the birth mother wasn't enough either.

I think it's ok to set loving boundaries about the hurtful words, or how frequently you are willing to discuss this issue. It would be a kindness to your daughter too, to discourage rumination. This isn't going away, and you know that, and you support her, but it's just necessary to have other, positive focuses. As important and all-consuming as this feels, there is more to life than trauma. Let the good experiences do their healing work. Big hugs to you.

[BeautifulCrazy]

At her age it's perfectly natural that she be wrestling with identity and her looks. Let her. I think a parent's role in this developmental drama is to be a place of stability, exuding confidence in your daughter and her ability to resolve these existential questions. The hard part for us is to let go the need to control the process, but it's so important!

For yourself: You know your parents, yes. And here you are on Out of the FOG dealing with the trauma of it. You have more in common with your daughter than she allows. This burden of hers is probably triggering to you. Because you are trying so much to be a good mother, to break the cycle of abuse, to love her unconditionally, to spare her pain. And here she is telling you you aren't enough. And you realize it's actually true. That would hurt any mother, for sure! It will take some time and maturity to get to accepting that the birth mother wasn't enough either.

This. This right here.

I didn't want to jump in and risk sounding like I was minimizing or comparing something that just isn't comparable (my kids are biologically mine). But the distress and powerlessness I feel about my own teenager's meltdown's right now and my inability to fix the problem, sounds so much the same as yours. The subjects of the meltdowns themselves even sounds similar.
My son wishes he was of a different ethnicity or race and despairs at how awful and unfair having me and PD dad as parents is. We are THE most "crappy a**" parents ever and he hates us. Nobody understands because "YOU grew up with TWO normal parents and YOU weren't poor". He hates his hair. He wishes he was adopted. He doesn't want any stupid counseling.
The rage and sadness he feels is real.
And justified.
It sucks having a PD dad. It sucks having a single mum struggling to raise three teenage boys in tough economic times.  I can't change these circumstances for him. This is his childhood. He is probably never going to have the relationship, the love or the meaningful connection he wants from his dad. There will probably never be enough of me to give him all the attention that he wants. I will probably never have enough financial resources to give him all the opportunities the kids in his peer group have.
This is life. (They say it builds character.)
I keep reminding myself that I only have to be a "good enough" parent to give my kids a good chance at success. The basic needs are being met; they are safe and healthy and know (I hope) that I love them.
The older two are through this meltdown stage and seem to be okay now.
Hang in there Jolie. I feel you.

[Jolie40]

For yourself: You know your parents, yes. And here you are on Out of the FOG dealing with the trauma of it. You have more in common with your daughter than she allows.

thanks for your post which makes perfect sense!

one thing.....I know enough not to say anything about what she wears
she started wearing eyeliner to school! I don't say anything but the way she puts it on.....oh, my!
she is also wearing skirts to school which I think are too short (she made them) but I say nothing
I don't want to upset her

[Jolie40]

My son wishes he was of a different ethnicity or race and despairs at how awful and unfair having me and PD dad as parents is. We are THE most "crappy a**" parents ever and he hates us. Nobody understands because "YOU grew up with TWO normal parents and YOU weren't poor". He hates his hair.

so sorry, this ^ sounds so tough! you have 3 teens; I can't imagine how you're holding it together!

all we can hold onto is they won't be teens forever
hang in there, also!

[Call Me Cordelia]

About the skirts and the eyeliner... You might tactfully offer her help. Or ask her to help YOU. It could be fun to figure it out together if you are not especially skilled. I knew I was doing things all wrong as a young teen but didn't know how to ask for help, and if I had could be sure it would turn into a shaming session. Or maybe there would be a neutral way to offer that. For me it was an astute Girl Scout leader who took us on a "field trip" to the Clinique counter where her friend worked and she gave everyone a makeup lesson!

That's fantastic that she sews!!! My daughter does too. Giving her constructive feedback about something she did incorrectly can be difficult, for sure. She is almost equal to me in skill so we figure things out together often.

Looking at families with older/grown kids I respect, they had standards for things like skirts needing to reach the knee. It wasn't personal, just the family standard. It may be a bit embarrassing to have to address it if you haven't until now, but I think ultimately kids and teens do want an adult setting the standards so they can be comfortable in feeling they are cared for and you are on her side. She very much is wanting a mother, as you have regular proof!

[Jolie40]

thanks to ALL posters who replied & gave input/advice!

I don't know what next year will bring as teen heads to high school
hoping the transition will be smooth

I got her an a book for Christmas  (re voices of adoptees)
just asked & she hasn't started to read it yet

[Jolie40]

ALMOST 2 weeks without a meltdown!

do I dare breathe a sigh of relief?

[SonofThunder]

Yay Jolie!  Enjoy!! 👏

SoT